What is "Evil", Anyway? @evilaesthetic - Tumblr Blog

Evil-Mart provides a vast array of tools and gadgets that is essential for the common villain-of-the-week. You work as a cashier there. Unfortunately all your coworkers mysteriously called in sick today, so you alone have to handle the long line of increasingly disgruntled customers.

dycefic

Everyone has that one story about the time EVERYONE called in sick and they had to work a shift totally alone. Mine was a little different, though.

See, I work at Evil-Mart. It’s actually a really good job – benefits are top notch, pay is excellent, and management really cares about the wellbeing of employees. For good reason – most of us are, if not family, certainly part of the Family. All the staff are from the families of henchmen and minor villains. It’s easier for everyone that way.

Unfortunately, while the official ‘bad guys’ excel in many areas, catering isn’t one of them. I don’t know why, but it’s just not something we’re good at. Anyway, there was a big team dinner for Evil-Mart one night, to celebrate the store’s tenth anniversary. And the next day, nearly the whole staff were out with food poisoning. And by nearly the whole staff, I mean … well, it went like this.

I was on the opening shift, and usually when I get there, there’s already two supervisors there. This time… nothing. The door was still locked. I knocked a few times, then called the front desk. Still nothing.

The third time I called, a voice answered that I didn’t recognize. “Who is this?”

“Rebecca Kahn, I – “

She sounded like she was about to cry. “Are you calling in sick too?”

“No, but the door’s locked and I can’t get in.”

“You’re here? At the store?”

“Yes, and I only have two minutes or I’ll be late clocking in and – “

“Wait right there! I’ll be right down!” The phone slammed down, and a couple of minutes the door swung open. “Thank God!” the woman exclaimed. I vaguely recognised her from meetings, but we’d never spoken before, but now she grabbed my hands and squeezed them as if I was a long lost friend. “Did you have a special meal last night?”

At that point, light began to dawn. “Yes. Knuckles Levy from the warehouse and I both had the kosher meal.”

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#evil mart #short story #part 1

dycefic

Have An Evil Day

No prompt this time, just a sequel to ‘Welcome To Evil-Mart’

Working at Evil-Mart is usually… well, it’s retail. It’s physically exhausting, you have to deal with a lot of idiots without being overtly rude, and your feet hurt. Even though the hours and pay are very good, the benefits are great, and our bosses treat us well compared to most retail employees, it’s still not what I’d call a fun job.

But it’s not what I’d call dull, either. Especially not on days like today.

I was promoted to supervisor after the Food Poisoning Incident, so I have a little more authority and a little less obligation to be pleasant and I got issued a weighted cosh because sometimes Evil-Mart customers get… feisty. I’d never had to use it, though, because those who hadn’t seen what I did to Majority Rules, either in person or on one of the cell-phone videos that circulated afterwards, had at least heard about it. They didn’t give me any trouble.

I was halfway through my shift, and the worst things that’d happened had been running out of croissants and a machine oil spill in Aisle Seven, when our greeter pressed the alarm button, which sent an alert to my handset. As front-end supervisor, that meant me, so I went over. Sam, who is unusual in the henching community for having actually aged out rather than ‘being retired’ jerked his chin in the direction of a tall, swaggering figure. “He just came in,” he whispered.

I did a full double-take before I took it in. Superdyne. Fucking Superdyne.

We’d all heard about his dramatic heel-turn a couple of months ago. The whole world had heard about it. Superdyne, who’d skated closer and closer to the line for years, had decided to cross it in a blaze of bloodshed. He was a villain now, he said. There’d been a whole speech about how ingratitude had driven him to it blah blah blah.

I work at Evil-Mart. I’m from a hench family. If someone becomes a supervillain because they hate Mondays or want to turn us all into dinosaurs or whatever, I don’t judge. I will sell depth-charges and laser guns to anyone who can prove they’re over eighteen without hesitation. But even we get kind of grossed out by the ‘I am forced to turn evil because I haven’t been given enough love’ thing. People who are actually so fucked up by emotional abuse or neglect or some superhero killing their family, we’re fine with them. But they don’t say that’s why they do it, and most of them need a lot of therapy to even realize it. People who actually say that’s why are entitled dickwads.

And now the dickwad had walked into Evil-Mart like he was entitled. Like he thought he was one of us.

Keep reading

#evil mart #short story #part 2

watchtow3r-m

I had to

#evil

beemovieerotica

I know people on tumblr looove stories of underwater cave diving, but I haven't seen anyone talk about nitrogen narcosis aka "raptures of the deep"

basically when you want to get your advanced scuba certification (allowing you to go more than 60 feet deep) you have to undergo a very specific test: your instructor takes you down past the 60+ foot threshold, and she brings a little underwater white board with her.

she writes a very basic math problem on that board. 6 + 15. she shows it to you, and you have to solve it.

if you can solve it, you're good. that is the hardest part of the test.

because here's what happens: there is a subset of people, and we have no real idea why this happens only to them, who lose their minds at depth. they're not dying, they're not running out of oxygen, they just completely lose their sense of identity when deep in the sea.

a woman on a dive my instructor led once vanished during the course of the excursion. they were diving near this dropoff point, beyond which the depth exceeded 60 feet and he'd told them not to go down that way. the instructor made his way over to look for her and found a guy sitting at the edge of the dropoff (an underwater cliff situation) just staring down into the dark. the guy is okay, but he's at the threshold, spacing out, and mentally difficult to reach. they try to communicate, and finally the guy just points down into the dark, knowing he can't go down there, but he saw the woman go.

instructor is deep water certified and he goes down. he shines his light into the dark, down onto the seafloor which is at 90 feet below the surface. he sees the woman, her arms locked to her sides, moving like a fish, swimming furiously in circles in the pitch black.

she is hard to catch but he stops her and checks her remaining oxygen: she is almost out, on account of swimming a marathon for absolutely no reason. he is able to drag her back up, get her to a stable depth to decompress, and bring her to the surface safely.

when their masks are off and he finally asks her what happened, and why was she swimming like that, she says she fully, 100% believed she was a mermaid, had always been a mermaid, and something was hunting her in the dark 👍

elodieunderglass

👍

mousenoseopera

The ocean is scary.

ominous-signs

#the ocean is scarier than anything else on this blog #(not that that's saying much)#thalassophobia

retroactivebakeries

the principal aim of lying is to accomplish your goal in as few lies as possible, and with the least amount of effort necessary to keep those lies going. It follows naturally that the world’s greatest liar speaks only the truth.

(nods) the fae.

In science it's important to resist the natural human impulse to ascribe telos to inanimate things. The things we study simply are; while their interactions may reliably produce certain outcomes, this does not imply that the production of these outcomes is what those things are "for". So, yes, the ray often causes death, but that doesn't make it a "death ray".

#supervillainy

evilwizard

hey guys so the hero that keeps barging in my tower seems to be using some sort of chronomancy called “quick saving.” have we figured out any counters for that yet or what’s the deal

evilaesthetic

If you're significantly more powerful than they are, you should be fine; most adventurers eventually figure out when they're outmatched and give up. (They might do a training montage and come back later, though.) Otherwise, I dunno, have you tried also using chronomancy?

#wizardposting

alexanderwales

Here's a legal PSA:

If you've committed a crime and a detective gathers everyone involved in the room, especially if he's not actually a detective and is instead a novelist, puzzle-setter, psychic, fake psychic, dog, chess grandmaster, etc. ...

YOU SHOULD NOT CONFESS.

Every year, hundreds of people are put away by non-traditional "detectives" who have either inserted themselves into the case or are working with the police in a dubiously legal capacity as advisor. In 99% of these cases, the murderer gives a full confession even though the evidence against them is circumstantial at best and often requires a long just-so story which can only guess at motive.

If this happens to you, stay quiet, do not attempt to defend yourself or talk your way out of it, only say "I want a lawyer".

Now if you find yourself being investigated by a boy genius, magician's assistant, anthropologist, classics scholar, or philosopher, it's likely that refusing to talk to the police (or investigator with no legal authority) is merely the end of the second act, and by the end of the third act they will have you dead to rights.

YOU SHOULD STILL NOT CONFESS.

Make them take it to court. Force the eccentric detective and his straight-laced police partner to take the stand and explain their methods to a jury of your peers. Have your lawyer look at the chain of custody on the evidence, especially if you believe it to have been handled by someone who has only bumbled into detective work through their natural charm and/or unique set of skills and outsider perspective that come in handy more often than they should.

Know your rights. Don't let eccentric detectives put you away.

#legal advice #(not actual legal advice except when it is)

eatcopperwire

#mad science #experiment

gutsandeverythingg

Who are you and why do i follow you

do i really have to do this every time. you are a mindless ghoul. i own you. you dig my endless pit. BACK TO WORK

#unreality #evil #necromancy #undead

where-wolf-girl-go

mentioned to someone that my transformations on the full moon have started lasting through the day (longest has been 66 consecutive hours). she was like “oh I’m so sorry that has to be so frustrating” which, I understand as a response, but also it’s not like I was getting anything done those days anyway lol. I end up doing what I normally would (sleeping) just in dog mode

this is also like, Weak Shit lmao. I talked to a guy on a forum who’s a wolf full time except for like four days around the new moon. he lives outside till he’s bipedal again then crashes at his brothers house. I asked if that’s like, safe and shit and he just said “absolutely not, but I’m really really good at being a wolf”

but. yeah jokes aside it Is inconvenient. just not a New inconvenience; like I said the exhaustion has always been the real killer. because like. obviously you don’t Get Sleep on those nights even if you turn back. still need to get formal accommodations for it for school; thankfully my professors this semester are chill (painting instructor last semester probably would’ve tried to get me to fuckin. hold the brush in my fangs or smth)

however!!!! my new doctor is like Actually Competent and gives a shit so I have meds. that might actually be Functional for once? wonder of wonders he listened to me when I said I don’t care about stopping physical transformations, I just wanted to regulate the risky behaviors. and the stuff he got me does that really well; also helps keep me feeling like. more “domesticated”? like I’m more adapted to human stuff even on a full turn. very very good bc now I don’t get half as stir crazy indoors and, more importantly, I’m way more cooperative with humans (especially people I know). so I’m safe to be around and my friends can just like. take me for a walk. genuinely a really good time. we played fetch last week and I have to confess: It was The Shit. maybe the most fun I’ve had in my life. ten thousand years werewolf joy and whimsy ‼️

(however bc physical transformation isn’t regulated at all anymore my dietary needs are weird again. really really miss chocolate and coffee but it’s a small price to pay for having an appetite again and kicking that god-awful insomnia from the old stuff)

#unreality #werewolves #lycanthropy

weepingveil

#theophagy #blasphemy #photo

conzoop

malls are dying because they don't have blacksmith, apothecary, alehouse or peddler's

yaza-con-queso

We must create dungeons that expand for miles under the earth and malls are the hub areas where warriors gather to venture deep beanth the surface for treasures yet discovered. It's the only way to save the economy.

conzoop

👆It's is the only way to save the economy

#dungeons #evil lair

inbabylontheywept

i am banned from eating my herring inside. they make me eat it on the smoking area by the loading dock, under the theory that it already smells bad there. but it was raining today which was preventing my breakfast, so i was feeling sad and hungry and then i realized that there was a large cardboard box in the dumpster from a previous delivery. like a fridge sized box. so i fished it out of the dumpster, then tipped it on its side and had a nice little cardboard cave to watch the rain and eat my fish in. which was a great experience. very soothing. very zen. at least until the security guard from the day before stepped outside to smoke. then i tried hiding from him by crawling deeper in the box, which unfortunately did not work. instead he saw a sort of damp sniveling pale hairless creature eating fish in a box, and delivered the verbal killshot of "good morning, mr. smeagol." which is how my day was ruined before 8 am.

#smeagol #gollum #swamp creature

bogleech

You know, as the concept of “zombifying fungi” becomes more and more popular, I notice it still referred to everywhere as like a “brain parasite.” So I guess a lot of people overlooked or forgot how in 2019 it was discovered that cordyceps and other similar fungal parasites leave the brain and nervous system completely untouched. They only control the muscles. They use chemical signals to make the muscles flex in real time where they want to go :)

bogleech

It’s funny how many people are replying “but that’s worse!” like you didn’t know that’s exactly why I put a smiley