Oliver Tudor

A Tudor geek who is a non-binaryy trans man, on the ace spectrum and gay. Various disabilities. about me Ask Me Something

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A short poem about self harm. No gory graphic details but CW for self harm.

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Malcolm - a poem

CW: self harm and suicide

You are a silent whisper

A silent scream

The man who haunts me

The man who tells me to die.

You are vicious

A nasty voice

The man I cannot escape

The man who is with me everywhere.

You are clever

A manipulative voice

The man who makes me cut open my arm

The man who makes me tie the noose.

You are Malcolm

A voice so loud, a man so visible

Yet only to me

For no one else has ever seen or heard you.

[frenchhorntudors]

About tourettes and asking if people would still laugh if they knew the whole truth.

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A blog post and poem and being sectioned and the trauma of it.

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A blog post from 1st February about time to change day in the UK

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Ten realities of Tourette’s you might not think or know of

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A blog about being autistic and how yes it does define me.

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Sections - a poem

This is a poem about being sectioned, some of the the things that have happened to me the various times I have been sectioned.

Sections

Locked away

Days,

Weeks,

Months go by and never allowed outside.

Rights taken off you.

Medication forced upon you.

Clothes stripped off you.

Your possessions hidden away from you.

Yelled at,

Abused,

Bullied,

Threatened.

Constantly watched,

Lights always on.

Never can sleep,

Nothing to eat.

Forced to talk,

Even though the words fail.

Called names.

Jokes made at your expense.

Nothing to do,

Except stare at walls.

Plotting your escape

Is all you live for.

Alarms pulled

Restrained. With joints twisted up behind your back.

Then suddenly head against the cold floor.

Held down by 4 men, and medication injected.

Made to go to meetings.

You’re discussed, but your voice is not important.

They talk numbers and debate what to do with you,

As you sit there rocking.

You’re a list of diagnosis.

They tut as they hear BPD.

And then they question if you are faking for attention.

You scream ‘no’, yet all that does is cause an alarm to ring and pound your ears.

You need to go outside.

But until you’re deemed ‘good enough’

No chance!

Trapped inside as the days and nights become one.

Drugged up

Like a zombie

You shuffle around,

As do the other patients.

You are expected to survive this.

You are expected to not want to run away.

You are expected to remain calm.

‘How can I?’ I think.

For I am in living hell and I can’t cope.

Sectioned.

That’s what it’s really like, a living hell.

[frenchhorntudors]

Blog post Sensory overload  – The Tudors make me tic

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The reality of Tourette's Tourette’s is… – The Tudors make me tic

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Wrote a blog post about mood swings as someone with EUPD/BPD

Brain…wait for me, I can’t keep up.  – The Tudors make me tic

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I wrote a poem about bullying and put it on my blog. There's a little description before the poem on my blog which is also a content note. “What was this rule that I must be like you?” – a poem – The Tudors make me tic

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So after some friends persuaded me to set this up I’ve done it. It says what I need to say in the link. Any donation is so very helpful and appreciated and shares are equally as helpful and appreciated. Thanks

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Any shares and/or donations are really appreciated. Thanks.

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So after some friends persuaded me to set this up I’ve done it. It says what I need to say in the link. Any donation is so very helpful and appreciated and shares are equally as helpful and appreciated. Thanks

[autism-asks]

I have this thing where I walk really really fast all the time. I absolutely cannot slow down, it feels impossible. If I do try to force it, I just end up unconsciously speeding up again... do u think this could be an autistic thing, or something else? I know for sure that I'm Autistic but not if the walking thing is part of that...

This is one relatable ask.

I spend about 70% of my time (walking with my partner) being told to slow the heck down.

I also spend about 100% of my time (when walking by myself) power-walking at great speed.

It’s super frustrating because I tend to end up getting super tired and overheated but there isn’t much I can think to do about it.

I try and get some exercise (treadmill at the gym) in as often as possible so that I can release some of my pent up energy, but it doesn’t really help with walking really fast.

It’s definitely something that I relate to a combination of my autism and my dyspraxia, though.

Anyone else power-walk everywhere?

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I relate to this as well. Before my joints went all wonky, I walked super fast all the time. I was constantly being told to slow down.

- Sabrina

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Ok to hear that other autistic people experience this too has made me feel less bad that when people tell me to slow down I either can't or I do for a bit and then unconsciously speed up. I thought I was being annoying on purpose and didn't understand why I just couldn't slow down. Before being a wheelchair user yep I power walked everywhere. The only time I didn't was when really depressed or otherwise mentally unwell. My sister told me off once whilst I was sectioned cos I was walking too slowly. Now as a manual wheelchair user I zoom around and find it really hard to go slowly like super hard. My partner has a dodgy knee so I try to not go too fast but even then they tell me I'm going too fast. I always do my best to go at a comfortable speed for them but it's really hard.

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Excuse me??? Time sensitive!!! I'm new to this autism thing and executive dysfunction just gives me the creeps cause it's so relatable?? I'm scared to death... It there a cure? Idk how can I tell procrastination and ExDy appart??? I'm sCARED I am told I'm lazy on a daily basis and maybe I am? Maybe im just making all of this up?

You’re not lazy, anon. Laziness is an ableist concept made up by the capitalistic society to make people who don’t live up to their standards feel bad. I promise you you’re not lazy, even if it is all procrastination (which tends to be caused by anxiety over failure or feeling overwhelmed by the effort required, not a personal failing.)

You can generally tell procrastination and executive dysfunction apart by the urge to do something.

Do you know you need to do it but keep putting it off because you feel the need to avoid it? That’d be procrastination.

Do you feel the urge to do something and want to do it, but you just can’t get yourself to start it? That’d be executive dysfunction.

And there aren’t really any cures for it, but there are some ‘executive dysfunction hacks’ floating around tumblr that can make dealing with it easier, such as counting to twenty and then doing the task or breaking it into smaller tasks.

I promise you, anon, you’re not making this up and you’re not lazy. You’re good.

- Os

Followers, do you have any good Executive Dysfunction hacks for anon?

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If you have particular tasks that are much more affected by ED or important tasks (say eating & drinking) that you need to do when ED is bad then when it isn't in a bad episode or less worse (as personally mine at times can be less severe than it often is) then try to use those times to do a few step by step guides (however that may be) of some tasks and break them down into really small steps. So something like making toast you may not think has many steps but don't just write -get bread out, put bread in toaster, spread butter on toast etc Break everything down into the smallest steps you can think of so for example -open freezer door -open draw with bread in -get bread out -get out x amount of slices -put bread back in drawer -shut drawer -shut freezer door

Then continue for the rest of the process. It may look a lot of steps so be wary of looking at lots of steps can be overwhelming but remember each step is very small and simple and involves one action.

Maybe save some of these on your phone or print them out and put them some where. Just can be a way of having a few things you need to do written out really simply so it is easier to manage.

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Last week was mental health awareness week in the UK and lots of MH charities are very fixated on the idea of talking to others about how you feel, whether that’s a friend family member or professional etc etc etc it’s all about talking about how you feel and how talking makes you feel better. And I get it, I understand what they’re saying, because so often if people don’t talk about how they feel others don’t know they have a mental illness. Yet at the same time it makes me feel so shit and alone and like a crap person. Here’s why: 1) I have alexithymia and am autistic so understanding, expressing and talking about emotions or how I feel is so incredibly hard and often impossible for me that it can’t be done. 2) I can’t just suddenly talk to people even those very close to me. Even when they tell me to reach out to them, my social anxiety, OCD and voices kick in and prevent me from doing so. 3) even if the things in point 1 & 2 didn’t exist my PTSD stops me from speaking out as I am so scared of what talking to others could result in. I’ve been on psychiatric wards several times, sectioned a few times, and they’ve been extremely traumatic. I’ve been verbally and physically abused by staff and patients. I’ve had some very traumatic incidents. I’ve been faced with some very ableist staff, ones who called my tics ‘weird personality traits’ ones who shouted at me for curling up on the floor rocking and covering my ears cos the lights, noise and people had caused a meltdown. Homophobic and transphobic staff. Staff who misgender me constantly. In A&E where being assessed to go into hospital, I’ve had staff who have accused me of being manipulative and making things up, staff who have outright refused to assess me due to being non verbal and according to them that meaning I can’t engage even though I was willing to engage through a text to speech app but I was told I had to engage verbally. Staff who have shouted at me for stimming and my tics. So I don’t want to reach out to people as I’m scared they’ll realise how bad I am and take me to A&E and as you can see the trauma associated with A&E and psych hospitals is bad. 4) I have EUPD/BPD and have found that professionals especially have a hell of a lot of stigma towards people with that diagnosis. Stigma that means they treat me so horrendously differently. Stigma that means I am told to my face I got sectioned on purpose cos I didn’t want to tell people I wasn’t trans and therefore got my chest surgery cancelled by getting sectioned on purpose cos according to that worker people with personality disorders especially can’t be trans. (I had my chest surgery 2 years after that incident and am trans) stigma that means I am told I’m wasting resources for people who are actually unwell.

So although I get all the campaigns about talking to people and reaching out I also feel very alienated by them. Especially when they say that talking about mental health is easy and just do it. Just reach out and talk to that friend as it will make things better. Firstly for some of us it can make things worse and secondly for some of us it isn’t easy and we can’t just do it.