Ironic Positive Nihilist

21 | Lesbian | Agender (they/them) | Frequent Shower-Singer | Public Relations Major | Expect lots of gay and lots of dogs | Worth One Grandma Goat

[scoutsmoocrew]

[leghorn]

[mr-downer]

yeah how come there isn’t male cow milk 🤔

[scope-dogg]

There is but I wouldn’t recommend it

[in-the-name-of-mushrooms-deacti]

I still think about this one time in biology when we were talking about yeast, because apparently people don’t know yeast is alive before you cook it??? And I was explaining how it’s alive, which is why it rises when you make bread, and then when you cook it, they die.

And my friend goes, “Check mate, Vegans.”

And the whole class loses their shit laughing.

[severelynerdysheep]

How is it funny though? Vegans arent vegan out of opposition to exploiting/killing all living things (my fingernails are alive and you bet ya that I cut them) Veganism oppses the exploitation/abuse/murder of sentient beings. Yeast isnt sentient. Dont jokes have to have some kind of basis in reality?? 

Gosh if a whole group of people found that funny, well thats incredibly sad…I hope this was a clas of pre teens.

[sqokscreams]

is it part of nonvegan tradition to be this unfunny

[cannilyuncanny]

Not only unfunny but unoriginal. Non-vegans have a variable experience with how many vegans they know or interact with in their individual lives, but if you’ve been vegan for any length of time, you’ve heard pretty much ever anti-vegan argument/joke, since they’re repeated so much. Yet so many tend to present these statements like some unique, galaxy-brained epiphany.

[vegannerdgirl]

Non-vegans are deeply unfunny and y’all just don’t know about it because vegans are far more polite than you ever give them credit for

[leghorn]

anybody in this thread smoke weed

[agro-carnist]

Imagine being this offended and going this apeshit over a mundane joke like this Jesus fucking christ

[laurbyboom]

I’m going to be honest, this is probably the funniest thing a straight person has ever said

[psyducked]

a true martyr

[fuckyeahkatnep]

Sir that’s my emotional support homophobic slur

[teaboot]

1.7% of people are intersex, 2% have green eyes, and 1.5 percent are redheads, but yeah red is a natural hair color, green is a natural eye color, and being intersex is a 'deformity'. Keep pretending gender isn't a social construct

[rogha]

0.0006% of people in the world live in Ireland and we all agree that People Live In Ireland.

[mxnrique]

i truly cannot stand this man 😂😂😂😂

[thoodleoo]

do you ever think about what it must have been like for the first ancient greeks to discover catharsis

[thoodleoo]

me in ancient greece after watching the first tragedy: being sad slaps actually

[thatgirlonstage]

Visit Original Link

I’ve been working on this for months and the truth is I could continue to add to it forever but I want you all to enjoy it with me

[gnomebud]

transcript:

Griffin: [as Jenkins] A witch kissed me and cursed me so that anytime anybody yells a secret word, I have to attend to their every need, and that word is my fucking name, Jenkins. Justin: [snickering]

G: Are you naming your goddamn wizard Taako?

G: Oh- shit. Oh, god, oh, god, where’d it go, oh no, no, no!

G: If possible, I would love to- to avoid a shitting-based solution? Uh, A, because I don’t want to know what exists beyond the explicit tag in iTunes? [Justin laughs] I don’t- like, is there a fucking NC-17 rating? I don’t wanna- I don’t think I wanna be a part of that. But also- Justin: [crosstalk] Hey! G: I would also not like this scene to drag on out as long as- as a human being’s digestive cycle.

G: [background laughter] Fun show, fun show games!

G: And I think I just described a plant orgasm. And this has been Fifty Shades of Green [Clint laughs], starring four idiots.

G: So the end of that sentence that you cut off was- and I- so I won’t be able to put up with any shit today, but the problem is I already have? Now people will stop tweeting about me that I said one of Barry’s favorite things is swimming in a cold lake on a hot day, and then in two episodes later say he didn’t know how to swim.

G: ‘Kay, you and the box both drink POISON! And you survive, but the box has died. Clint: That means it’s open, right? G: Yes, with that the box pops open and it has 900 gold pieces inside. Everyone: Yeah! [cheering]

Travis: I get it. Justin: Damn, that’s a good door! G: No, it’s- [yelling] let me finish describing what happened to the door! I’ve been trying to tell you what happened to the door for like ten minutes!

Travis: I tap it with the Glutton’s Fork and I swallow it. Justin: [muffled wheezing] Griffin: What the fuck!

Griffin: [laugh-crying] You’re gonna turn him into a man tube? [wheezing] You- you’re gonna turn him into a bag or a shelf with the rock sitting on it-

Griffin, loudly: What the fuck?! [audience laughter] Travis: Double damage is- 4 and 3 plus 4 and 1. Griffin: I didn’t give Marvey HP!

Griffin: Is the stapler in here? Anyone want the fucking stapler?

Griffin: Oh, Jesus, you love this shit! [Travis, crosstalk: I’m sorry-] It’s your- You’re a fucking pervert! Fetish- you’re exposing everybody to your fetishes! Travis: I’m so sorry!

Griffin: Uh- it is an uneventful climb to the twentieth floor. And, uh- as- Travis: Floor twenty! Griffin: as- as- What? Justin and Travis: [snickering] Floor twenty! Griffin: [pause] We’re not gonna say anything better than that- Travis: Griffin, we have to fight some weeds at floor twenty. Griffin: We have thirty minutes to go, and we’re not gonna say anything better than that. Did you even think about that?

Justin: I grow bored with this fight. [laughter] Griffin: Okay. [crosstalk] Justin: I’m- I’m casting polymorph on myself- Griffin: Oh, fucking- wow. Justin: Griffin, I’m texting you- [Griffin: oh]because you’re going to need this information. Griffin: Oh my god, Justin. Justin: Yes. [Wonderland music starts] Griffin: Taako’s arms sink into his chest, so that he’s just got, sort of, little arms, and his head gets really big, and really long, [Clint laughs] and his teeth get very sharp, and he grows a tail, and he turns into a tyrannosaurus rex.

Griffin: [yelling] Oh, NO! Are you keeping track of how many times you rolled as well? Clint: [crosstalk] To be honest the educational system in Huntington, West Virginia sucks- Travis: Twenty-five! Twenty-five! Four, four! Twenty-five! Twenty-seven! [overlapped with Justin] Griffin: it’s dead- STOP! Stop! You’re killing him! Travis and Justin: Thirty! Thirty-six! Griffin: Stop! He’s already dead! Travis: One more, one more, one more- [Clint: C'MON!] Travis and Justin: Thirty-seven! [A pause as the audience laughs] Travis: His parents feel it! Griffin: You fucking- you fucking- this turtle’s- this turtle’s parents- Travis: [crosstalk] Is that where the turtle’s brother dies? Griffin: -forget about him. This turtle was a successful turtle author, and the words on his books fucking vanish. [audience laughter] You have erased this turtle from existence.

Travis: But my butt- Griffin: [yelling] Come on, I’m in hell! [crosstalk] I’m dead and in hell now! You opened the door! You built the fucking door! Out of wood! Shitwood! Shame on you and shame on us!

Justin, as Taako: Garfield? Griffin, as Garfield: Yes? Justin: I have something I think is really going to interest you. Griffin: [yelling out of character] OH MY GOD! Justin: This is the Slicer of T'pire Weir Isles [background laughter] and I notice that you have a really cool sword. It’s a Flaming, Poisoning, Raging Sword of Doom, I believe it’s called. Griffin: Oh my god… Justin: And- I’m looking at your entire stock and it does seem to me that’s your most valuable posession, would you say that’s accurate? Griffin: [laughter, as Garfield] Yes, it’s absolutely the most valuable thing in the store!

Griffin: [very tired] I didn’t expect it to go like that. [audience laughter] Um- and- Travis: What did you expect to happen? Griffin: [yelling] For you to catch a fucking fish in my fish mini game! [audiene cheers] Is that so- Am I out of my mind? Is that an unreasonable expectation? To give them a fucking fish mini game- Taako makes the lake float, Travis jumps in with a rapier, like, “let’s get it done!” and Dad makes, the- the fucking shit teleport away! [audience laughter] Clint: Welcome- welcome to The Adventure Zone, Griffin.

[thatbastardlass-deactivated2021]

[the-memedaddy]

Meirl

[yesterdaysprint]

Pittsburgh Daily Post, Pennsylvania, August 4, 1912

[ubifidesibiamor]

Fake. They couldn’t underline in newsprint back then

[springbeanz]

Takes like less than a minute to check yourself.

[strawbebehmod]

Looks like you wrecked yourself

[dulect]

when that one person you hate in your class speaks

[motherhenna]

me, holding my newborn child: what are its stats?

[tastefullyoffensive]

[assassinationtipsforladies]

Fun fact: Dolly Parton is not blonde. All her blonde dos are wigs. When she goes out with her husband, because he doesn’t want to be in the public eye, she has her real hair and wears more typical middle aged southern lady outfits and people just…. Don’t recognise her. She just Clark Kents her way into maintaining a private life.

[spinja]

She’s the real life Hannah Montana

[miss-jayjayy]

Wasn’t she Hannah Montana’s aunt 😭?

[aphony-cree]

I have to add some details because their story is pretty cute

At 18 Dolly moved to Nashville. The very first day she was there she met a guy outside the Wishy Washy Laundromat. Her husband, Carl Dean, has said “My first thought was I’m gonna marry that girl. My second thought was, ‘Lord she’s good lookin.’" 

After 2 years of dating they wanted to get married but her record label said no because women are more profitable if they’re single. They eloped at a little church before the label could stop them and put off their honeymoon so Dolly could focus on work

In 1966 Carl accompanied her to a dinner/awards ceremony, it was his first time going to an industry event. After the dinner he said to his wife “Dolly, I want you to have everything you want, and I’m happy for you, but don’t you ever ask me to go to another one of them dang things again!’” And she never did

He lives a quiet life in Nashville and runs an asphalt business

For their 50th anniversary they renewed their vows at their home in front of family and friends, it was the wedding they’d wanted but couldn’t have when they first got married

[official-mugi]

I know the tweet is supposed to be some kind of “haha men bad” but honestly he’s the goals there. You have a great and super rich wife and no one ever bothers you

[kakashibestie]

[one-time-i-dreamt]

I didn't know bucket toothpaste was only a thing here!

[one-time-i-dreamt]

WAIT! How do people in other countries put toothpaste on their toothbrushes??? You d-don't use your toothpaste spoon????

[one-time-i-dreamt]

You keep your toothpaste in condiment tubes???

[one-time-i-dreamt]

This whole thread is making me so sad 😔😔

[one-time-i-dreamt]

[one-time-i-dreamt]

[nameless-glitter-official]

For the americans out there, 1kg is about 2lbs. Rewriting this bost gives:

"To answer a lot of people's question: this package is [4lbs] there's also, [10lbs] and [20lbs] ones (which used to be sold in most stores, but you can find them only in specialized ones nowadays). There are some tiny ones, like 1lb! Those are the ones you buy to carry when you travel."

Croatians apparently take a pound of toothpast with them when they travel.

I now live in fear of the Croatians.

[one-time-i-dreamt]

[whitepeopletwitter]

[scenicroutes]

[walks around with an entire big mac in my mouth but never actually biting down] It’s a metaphor, see: you put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don’t give it the power to do its killing.

[sweetstardrop]

you took this from a fault in our stars augustus does the same thing only with a cigarette ok ok

[scenicroutes]

i don’t know what you’re talking about this is an excerpt from my upcoming 100% original novel “the fart in our stalls”

[gangler]

Barnes and Nobles is gonna start serving food and alcohol.

Everybody’s cracking jokes about how it’s a desperate attempt to stay relevant in the age of Amazon.

But you know what? Props to them. This is exactly what Blockbuster didn’t do. At no point was Blockbuster like “Hey, movie rentals aren’t the lucrative enterprise they once were. Perhaps it’s time we become known for our cheesy garlic bread.”

[mackasaurussex]

Okay but…if someone wants to take me on a date to a Barnes and noble and get me dinner and a drink and then let me peruse the stacks like I’m not saying no. A sandwich, a beer, and 2-5 books on various topics I hope I’ll someday read about? Good night.

[silvysartfulness]

The Swedish equivalent of Blockbuster is now best known for its candy, snacks and sodas.

[thestraggletag]

This is El Ateneo Grand Splendid, an old theatre turned bookstore in Buenos Aires:

The stage itself was turned into a cafe:

You can’t even begin to comprehend the massive amounts of money this place makes, despite the fact that they turned the theatre boxes into reading nooks like this:

I’ve literally spent days holed up in there reading books for free while also consuming massive amounts of coffee and pastries.

Adapt or die, people.

[emospritelet]

OMG that’s AMAZING!