Please explain non-binary genders to me in a manner that isn't over simplified... Everything I find is either from a terf bigoted bullshit perspective, or just kind of a vague love is love be a decent human being that does nothing for those of us who try to be decent even when we don't understand.
Okay. So. We need to start with two facts.
Gender and sex arenât the same thing. Your biological sex is pretty much controlled by your chromosomes and the development of your body. Now, looking at these in a binary fashion, i.e., people either are one or the other, is an inaccurate oversimplification of things. But thatâs a bit really why weâre here. Weâre here about gender, which brings us to9
Gender is a social construct. Thereâs no specific universal definition for what counts as masculine or feminine or any other gender in the world. That shit varies from culture to culture and from time to time. So anyone who tells you something along the lines of âThis is what a Real Man doesâ or âThis is what makes you a Womanâ or anything in a similar vein? Look, theyâre full of shit, theyâre either pushing conservative rhetoric or radfem bullshit, which are really not nearly as far apart as either of the aforementioned groups wants to believe they are.
So! With those two facts in mind, hereâs what we get with our current gender situation. White western christian-influenced culture, in which most of us are soaked, pushes the idea that thereâs two genders- masculine and feminine, whatever synonyms of the roles you want to take up. They want to take those two roles, cast them as opposing roles, and split up various traits in life by what side they think they should belong to.
This is bullshit on multiple levels.
First of all, those traits are arbitrary. According to society, where do some things fall out? Physical strength is masculine, empathy is feminine. We see confidence as masculine while tact is feminine. And they get ridiculous, too. Wearing pants? Masculine, apparently. Crying? Itâs feminine to acknowledge pain of any sore, I guess. Thereâs whole lists of this sort of thing if you look into it, but the fact is that western society spends a lot of energy reinforcing this idea.
Did I mention this is bullshit?
Theyâre arbitrary. They shift as time goes on- a hundred years ago, pink was a âstronger colorâ that fit boys better while blue was âdelicate and daintyâ and thus obviously a color for girls. Pants were previously only for men.
These fucking ridiculous norms are, then, entirely entirely subjective- and they are weaponized far, far too often by people who want to attack someone whoâs not appropriately manly or lady-like for their taste. It was some standard bullshit that got thrown at the Obamas- making fun of Barack for not being Clint Eastwood macho, insulting Michelle as being too manly. (Thereâs also a fuck ton of racial weight to this specific instance here, too, and Iâll have to admit, Iâm not a person qualified to do that justice. Do some research, thereâs people who have addressed that aspect of it better than I have.)
So this means that forcing people into these standardized roles isnât about helping them find self-confidence and who they are, theyâre about ensuring obedience. Theyâre about punishing people for stepping out of line. Theyâre about reinforcing the strictures that our society wants us to have to spend energy adhering to, making sure that weâre more scared of being out of compliance with societyâs expectations than we want to find the truth of the life we should be living.
(Every dude out there whoâs blamed feminism because he was angry that his girlfriend didnât need him to help carry a heavy box for him? Yeah, buddy. Thatâs you being suckered into thinking the cultural gender ânormsâ are more important than acknowledging that maybe your girlfriend doesnât need you to lift boxes and fix leaky pipes, because itâs easier to get angry at feminism for that than to consider what else you can bring to a relationship other than simple mechanical abilities.)
Another reason theyâre dumb? Because very, very, very few people are strictly one side of the register or another. Especially when those registers are politicized in their own way- negative gender stereotypes would tell us that traits of femininity make them gossipy, illogical drama queens, but then traits of masculinity make them territorial, egotists who act without thinking, and is there really much of a difference, or is there just something recursive about trying to describe similar traits in different ways to fit what youâre trying to argue?
And Iâm not even qualified to get into the idea that a gender binary is a pretty specific idea. Thereâs other cultures out there that believe in more than just the two. But White western christian-influenced culture had pushed the idea that thereâs men and thereâs women and thatâs all.
And itâs a pretty bullshit idea, at least to me.
Which. Well. I guess finally gets us to the point of your question here. And the answer is that while thereâs all that standard, strict arguments of what counts as masculine and feminine up there? Thereâs also⌠everything else. Look, Iâm not going to say that I have all the answers to everything. Iâm not entirely joking when I say things like my gender identity is a vague handwaving motion. Itâs something Iâm trying to figure out. Itâs not something thatâs really got a straight answer to it. All I can give you right now is this.
Yeah, my body is pretty masculine looking. Got the beard, got a dick, got all that. But when it comes to all of those traits that are supposed to be masculine and that are supposed to be feminine?
I look at the masculine side of the register. A lot of that doesnât fit me. A lot of that isnât things I want to aspire to. There are things that do fit, but looking at them, do I feel thereâs something inherently male about them? I donât think so.
I look at the feminine side of the register. A lot of that doesnât fit me. A lot of that isnât things I want to aspire to. There are things that do fit, but looking at them, do I feel thereâs something inherently female about them? I donât think so.Â
And I think that means the only option I have left is to figure out what a third option is that fits me.
I donât feel comfortable describing myself as masculine. I donât feel comfortable describing myself as feminine. So. I have to figure out what I do feel comfortable describing myself as. For the time being, thatâs genderqueer. Itâs a work in progress, and it may never be something I figure out entirely, and Iâm okay with that.
Acknowledging that I donât know was, in and of itself, kind of a relief.
