Lila's boudoir

Where I reblog and post my crazy fan stuff.

[cochleacochlea]

Series 1. Overwhelmed

Mio Im (@cochlea1313) • Instagram photos and videos

101K Followers, 67 Following, 617 Posts - See Instagram photos and videos from Mio Im (@cochlea1313)

ⓒMio Im

[inkskinned]

by march of 2025, it was official. i had been dangerously suicidal for an entire 3 straight years. no hotline was going to help me. i had no money for inpatient care or therapy. i spent most of my days so numb it was terrifying, became a void of a person. suicide was no longer a choice so much as an inevitability to me: it all made a terrible, dark kind of sense. it was as if i was writing a very long equation and kept arriving at the exact same answer. it was a twisted but peaceful kind of self-forgiveness - my dog would be happier with my brother, my family would have less to worry about.

i had tried everything. everything on earth i could think of to try. distractions and burnout and medication and all of it. i integrated with my community and practiced my hobbies and tried to make smart choices and exercised regularly and kept putting it off until tomorrow. i would wake up and think - what if i am just like this, forever? three years into the worst depressive spiral of your adult life, the sensation of it becomes almost smooth, like a worrystone. nothing matters. it is almost a bone that never healed correctly. i was never quite mentally healthy, this was just the crystallization process.

i genuinely thought i was never going to recover, ever. that it would just be an eon of that experience, forever and ever.

my happiness did not come back like a bolt of light. i saw one very-small flicker and i snatched that moth out of the sky with my teeth, held her pinned against me. i worked so hard it felt stupid; i faltered; i continued.

on saturday, i had the best day of my life. it didn't start out that way. it just unrolled into one beautiful moment after another, even though i expected nothing from it. i spent the entire ride home grinning so widely that my cheeks hurt. i watched the sunset in silence. all i could think was holy fuck i'm glad i didn't kill myself.

in the bad place, i couldn't see the happiness coming for me. it wasn't like i wasn't aware good things could theoretically happen (and did sometimes happen even to me), it was that i just genuinely believed joy was no longer a possibility. i had tried to fix joy against my ceiling, after all, and it had bled down and spoiled in the air above me. i assumed that i had simply run out of the opportunity - that if i did experience joy, it would be difficult to parse, muted. a mumble instead of a shout.

the shout i am feeling is still echoing inside of me. i am joyful when i touch moss and i am joyful when i stand in the sun and i am joyful when i make my dinner. i am joyful when i text my friends and when i skinny dip and when i sing off-key to my girlfriend. i am joyful and i dance in the rain like a stupid lesbian manic pixie dream girl and i build little forts for mice to hide in and i hug trees without warning and i am joyful about the cringe of it all, about the silly abandon i feel.

i have bad days, but the good outshines them. i cannot fathom that. last year at this time, the bad days were still outnumbering the good by a margin so wide it was the difference between a pond and the ocean.

but the good days were there, which was new. and if they were there, it meant they could exist, and i could multiply them, and i could get out and get through. if the good days were there, laid out in white stars along the black beach of my life - i could pick them up gently and carry them, one at a time. each new one so blisteringly precious.

i can't tell you when i became overwhelmed with happiness. i think it snuck up on me, a blade in the night. i just woke up one day, and i was so intimately, wildly glad for it. for the gift of my one and only life.

[shinelikethunder]

today's wikipedia hole brought me to the theory of the cognitive miser, which made something go "click" in my head about art (writ large: visual, poetry, fiction, etc). namely the role of freshness, detail over generality, avoidance of cliché, etc in judging art: it's not about demanding absolute originality, it's that one of the joys of good art (not the only one but a major one) is the experience of having your attention drawn back to details your brain habitually skips over. the ones that get dropped in the shortcuts, schemas, pattern-matching, and intuitions it has to use to navigate daily life without total overload--or even abstracts away so completely that you don't even realize you've never noticed them.

this can happen by constructing a scene where those details suddenly become relevant to the thing being depicted and the schemas the audience is using to think about it, or just by the simple act of being invited to dwell on them or having someone else's observations shared with you. and like, sure, this can be #edifying and raise the salience of #important things that are overlooked when they shouldn't be, but the fundamental mechanism at work is that when they're in the headspace for it, people enjoy the act of having their attention drawn to something they weren't even thinking about that makes them go "ohhhh." it produces that satisfying "click" in the mind, even a sense of wonder. we all have a miserly Heuristics Brain running at all times, guessing ahead and taking shortcuts to produce our initial impression of what we're seeing, and it's fantastic at its job of quickly processing loads of information. but we're all also constantly in the process of deciding when to go back and check its work. and there's a particular pleasure in the exercise of letting an artist shape that process, letting them pick which "irrelevant" details to guide you back to for reconsideration. like being walked through a wing of someone else's brain.

this is why the non-sequitur weirdness in little kids' stories and poetry is so much fun: the partially-constructed schemas of the world that they're operating on still leave a ton of those details unprocessed, and often lead to some really unexpected linkages and conclusions that force you to examine why it would never have occurred to you to think that. it's not mature art in the sense that most artists are aware on some level of their audience's expected shared ways of seeing the world, and are often skillfully playing games with them, or at least accounting for them. but the raw material for that play, for the mechanism that makes the game fun, is the unexpected details that come from noticing things we're primed to skip over. and kid weirdness has that in abundance.

i think this is also one of the joys of learning to identify plants, or bird calls, or architectural styles, or unlabeled bits of roadside infrastructure. it's a new schema that changes the way you see the world around you, by drawing your attention to previously unremarkable patterns that are now rich sources of implication to decode. the satisfaction isn't just in the additional info you've unlocked--it's the way it changes and shapes the act of noticing.

[johannestevans]

A vital piece of trans allyship is actually in supporting children's rights to bodily autonomy from the out.

Someone is complaining their child wants to cut their hair short or grow it long? Point out that it's the child's hair. Why shouldn't they have it how they want it? Why is that parent upset?

Support all kids' rights to do sports or dance or whatever - be a little judgemental, make concerned faces, if someone is pressuring their child toward an activity they don't want.

Let kids play with whatever toys they feel like.

Exclude creepy uncles or similar entirely from family gatherings.

Teach kids language to advocate for themselves. Respect their no, encourage them to express their feelings, listen when they cry. Criticise and argue with people who automatically ignore or shut children down.

Stand against beating and other forms of physical "discipline"

Every child deserves to feel ownership and autonomy over their own body, and regardless of their gender, an issue some trans ppl run into as they grow older is a sense of tension between what they want and who it feels like their body "belongs" to - their family, their future spouse, society

Your body is your body. Every child's body is THEIR body. Support children's bodily autonomy; support bodily autonomy for all.

[wiisagi-maiingan]

I will remind people that one of the biggest signs of a scam is urgency. A scammer does not want you to look away or click out of the tab or hang up the phone. They make you feel like there's a very close time limit, like you have to act NOW if you want to protect your bank account/not get arrested/help your (grand)child/save an animal/save a person/etc, and they will use manipulation tactics like guilt tripping and making you feel rushed to keep you from taking a step back and having a moment to think.

If someone who is asking for money is rushing you, making you feel pressured to give them money immediately and making you feel guilty or like you're in some sort of danger if you have any questions or doubts or hesitation, they are scamming you. They are doing everything they can to get your money before you have time to think or do any research, and then they vanish as soon as they get what they want.

[polutropos-puppyboy]

i have for a while been using stepping on somebody's toes as a metaphor for misgendering. and i genuinely think that it's kind of a good one.

[polutropos-puppyboy]

if you keep stepping on somebody's toes for a long time at minimum they're probably going to start really hating you and at maximum you might cause them lasting damage.

if you do it on purpose you're a dick. if it's on accident but you keep doing it that person is still going to be mad at you because you don't care enough to try not to step on their toes

[polutropos-puppyboy]

if you give a grovelling begging apology after accidentally stepping on somebody's toes one time you're going to make the whole thing awkward, but not giving a quick "sorry" before moving on is still kind of rude.

[phantomrose96]

I'm thinking about AI again because we're in the Nexus that creates Torment for profit.

And there's a thought rattling around in my head over the fact that a lot of the issues with AI are not brand new to the technology era--a source of chronic and easy misinformation; a technology that causes people to withdraw and isolate and often self-harm; an environmental scourge; an absolute machete to critical thinking, disciplined learning, and meaningful study because why bother with hard and long tasks when you can get fast and easy dopamine hits--all of these can be applied to social media as well.

But something makes AI so foot-to-the-gas-pedal worse in such a festering and pervasive and sudden way, and I think my conclusion for that lies in this emergent technology debuting to the public already under the control of big tech mega-conglomerates who--and this part is critical--were absolutely panickingly desperate at the exact moment ChatGPT hit the scene.

And I'm going to bother you with graphs about this. Because I think it will help explain a lot of the Full-Shove-Down-Throatedness you've no doubt noticed with AI.

And like to back up a second--modern social media is controlled by these exact same mega-conglomerates. But the social media platforms didn't start that way. They were a lot of guy-in-his-basement style inventions--tumblr included--which developed to serve an organic and natural niche people wanted. No throat-shoving yet. Most of us (tumblr demographic) were probably sparkle-dogging on deviantart and--yeah whatever--superwholocking over here. And that was by no means perfect or necessarily even good but there was opportunity to ease in and learn the good and bad.

THEN the mega-conglomerates got it and Facebook is a festering cesspit and Twitter is Like That. But there was a bit of a gradual enshittification there, and I imagine most people following my blog are old enough such that you were able to recognize what enshitted itself and disengage appropriately.

AI--for all the way its ills mirror social media--was born a fully formed fucking asshole directly into the cradles of big tech. And it's weird to consider the technology behind LLMs is not, inherently, evil. And that feels weird because it never really had the chance to exist in the public eye in any capacity before it was the throat-shoved and desperate weapon of big tech downright begging you to rot your brain out your ears and steal your work and pollute the earth and stop thinking and stop trying and stop learning.

Which maybe then begs the question, WHY the crazy desperation? Why the complete disregard for sense, law, legal ownership, and customer voices? Why does 'fetch' need to happen and why do Tech CEO's talk about it like they're gonna bite the cyanide pill in their molars if you don't buy a fucking gemini subscription.

Well I promised you graphs.

Here's your first graph. And here's a little fun fact for those following at home: ChatGPT came out Dec 20, 2022.

This graph shows the stock price for Amazon, Google, Microsoft, and Meta (nee Facebook) between August 2016 (10 years ago) and Dec 20, 2022.

Now see that peak right before the start of 2022? Cover the downward side of it with your finger. Go on. Don't you see a beautiful exponential future of infinite growth? Don't you love when exponential growth is forever? Some of those returns were 400% in just 5 years. Sure, Covid caused a blip but what's a global pandemic in the face of a bullish stock run?

Okay now uncover the right side. That side is the screaming crying sobbing coaster of rich people feelings. And they were so very in their feels.

I'm zooming in on the graph for you. Welcome to November 2021 to Dec 20, 2022.

If you bought Amazon at peak? You were down 50%. Meta at peak? Down 60%. And every rich person investor is a money genius until the market turns, at which point it's panic to right the ship.

There were whispers of recession all throughout 2022 and it made the tech market crumble, because tech stock prices are highly speculative, and they ride market whiplash with more aggressive slingshotting than companies grounded in material value.

And then something happened on Dec 20, 2022. Obviously you know, I've said it 3 times. ChatGPT released. And oh boy.

Companies started promising AI. Investors started listening. The stock prices got happy.

Welcome to the graph 2022 to current day

And if the dance is working, they don't fucking stop dancing.

Do you WANT AI? Do you NEED AI? Will it actually help you? Might it in fact harm you? Will it harm the planet? Will it harm learning, and discipline, and the vulnerable, in the exact ways big tech companies are shoving it down people's throats?

Who give a shit! Whogiveasshitwhogiveasshitwhogiveahit. Money up! Desperate crying tech company HAPPY now. Money happy now!

Now the entire 10 year graph looks like this

And that scary scary scary scary drop off in 2022 that course corrected itself nigh exactly on December 20, 2022?

Well, you love AI, don't you? 🙂 As long as it's shoved down your throat.

[amerlcanapparel-deactivated2020]

when she says she doesn’t send nudes

[straighthater]

when guys objectify women and expect them to send nudes

[timelordpillbug]

when someone asks you about your nuclear plans for russia

[hikingnerd]

When Russia sends you nudes

[dr-thackery]

[dismantlerepaired]

[ilovepretzelrods]

[thegingerbalrog]

[onwardwall]

[miss-jaxon-flaxon-waxon]

#what the fuck happened here

[her-eyes-dared-me-with-danger]

This is my favorite post in all of tumblr

[kyloschuyler]

reminder that this post is now illegal in Russia

[tree-of-blue-squirrel]

reblog it, because Russia can´t

[maradaisykat]

Thanks Obama 

[my-sisters-eyeball]

Wtf

[roomba-with-knives-taped-to-it]

When Russia makes this post illegal

[earthnicity]

I HAVE ONLY SEEN THIS IN SCREENSHOTS

[dovahdez]

I will reblog this every goddamn time I find it on my dash

[a-wondering-thought-deactivated]

I have a piece of tumblr history on my blog now

[hellsitegenetics]

String identified: atgctactttaatcaaaaattcaTattattatttgaagtcaacatTaaataattgaATCTgtgattaaacttg

Closest match: Bombyx mori BmN4 cell DNA, chromosome 24, sequence Common name: Domestic Silk Moth

(image source)

[willifolts]

When the domestic silk moth sends you nudes

[scp-threats-is-back]

Domestic silk moth is just being friendly

[yoink-a-doink]

Now the moth is banned in Russia

[fantasylover4538]

…well what the fuck is this

[kingofkaumidy2]

Art.

[shower-thoughts-last-responder]

[sodom-hussein]

Old iconic tumblr posts gather gimmick blog comments the way DNA mutations accumulate over time

[starmaker-astral]

This is why I love tumblr

[septembercfawkes]

PSA: Just a friendly reminder that whenever you start a creative project, you will invariably hit a phase where the Thing™️ appears horrendous and you start asking existential questions. But if you keep working, it invariably passes and starts to resemble something less like the devil’s vomit. Doesn’t matter if it’s art, writing, or what–this happens repeatedly. Carry on.

[captain-price-returns]

The difference between "There used to be hot summers too,” and a climate crisis.

[propheticfire]

Look, we all know this is true. But there isn't a SOURCE for this, and the graph itself is basically illegible beyond "ooh colors". If we want to be good stewards of our informational resources, we need to cite our sources.

From a reverse image search, I found the website Show Your Stripes, run by the University of Reading in the UK, which is likely where the above graph originated. It provides temperature data for various regions of the world from approximately 1900-2025. For example, here are graphs for Canada, India, and Papua New Guinea:

All clearly show a sharp rise in temperature beginning around approximately the 1980s, which corresponds with the graph in OP's post. But now we know where this data came from, and we can verify its validity accordingly.

[weltenwellen]

An Interview with Richard Siken

[creekfiend]

many women are excited to get old and weird, but i have great news that it's fully possible to become weird now, before you get old. just imagine the heights of weirdness you will be able to reach in fifty years if you get started now. that's what I think

[what-even-is-thiss]

The reason your snacks are unsatisfying is that you need both carb and protein.

Carb starts your engine, protein keeps it going.

No carb, engine don’t start. No protein, engine dies out fast.

[what-even-is-thiss]

Easy carb add on:

Cookie

Fruit (canned or fresh)

Chips

Piece of bread

Popcorn

Crackers

Easy protein add on:

Nuts

Spoonful of nut butter

Cheese

Roasted chickpea snacks

Glass of milk (dairy or non dairy)

Small canned sausages or similar

[what-even-is-thiss]

Sugar in there.

[what-even-is-thiss]

I am pleased by people messaging me telling me that after adding a carb or protein to their snacks or meals they feel more satisfied all day. Yes, my plan is working. People are getting through their days with less hangry.

[memewhore]

[2urban2fantasy-deactivated20241]

Woman murders man in broad daylight

[theknightinslippers]

[halorvic]

[no-one-offical]

‎

[crypticgoose3]

beautiful like to reblog ratio on this

[drtanner]

That's because people are reblogging it every time they see it. Like I'm doing right now lmao

[ishimarukiyotaka]

literally the worst way of ending a series is “all the survivors are happily straight married with tons and tons of babies!” 

[ishimarukiyotaka]

people still getting mad at this post i made in 2014 so I will add here. in 2026. that the point of this post isn’t “happy endings bad” its when the story’s only way to imagine a happy ending is a heterosexual nuclear family for everyone.

[armengoldira]

[headspace-hotel]

this what we need to be doing with our technological capabilities. Fund this shit. ten millions dollars

[captain-price-returns]

The difference between "There used to be hot summers too,” and a climate crisis.