this is the funniest thing I’ve seen in weeks
The “Thunk” will always kill me.
14/10 doing his best
wallacepolsom

★
Keni

oozey mess
ojovivo

Janaina Medeiros
untitled
Three Goblin Art
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
sheepfilms
will byers stan first human second
official daine visual archive
Cosmic Funnies
🩵 avery cochrane 🩵
No title available

Kiana Khansmith

❣ Chile in a Photography ❣

Origami Around
Sade Olutola
Jules of Nature

seen from Philippines
seen from Türkiye

seen from India
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seen from France

seen from Malaysia
seen from Mexico
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from Paraguay
seen from Chile
seen from Côte d’Ivoire
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seen from Russia

seen from Türkiye
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@lillyhopes
this is the funniest thing I’ve seen in weeks
The “Thunk” will always kill me.
14/10 doing his best
since it’s pride month, throwback to this beautiful cover and this wholesome interaction between two icons
Think you could take a 10x10 inch cock? Asking for a friend 👀
like is it a cube or am i misunderstanding
one day i'm going to make a post explaining how to use early modern english to y'all because i have seen too many people 1) calling it old english, and 2) wildly missing the mark with a Lot of confidence (to the point that someone took a pen and changed "shall" to "shalt" on a sign in a bookstore, which made it the incorrect conjugation of the verb for given subject!)
actually that day is today, with the caveat that i am not a linguist. i'm just an early modernist (specialized in english drama). and this is not an exhaustive course in early modern english! it is a bare bones intro to the basics. if you want to know more, read early modern works or do some googling.
what kind of english is that? let's look at some famous examples of each.
Hwæt. We Gardena in geardagum, / þeodcyninga, þrym gefrunon, / hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon. <- this is old english. note that it is unintelligible to a modern english speaker. (excerpt from beowulf)
Whan zephirus eek with his sweete breeth / Inspired hath in every holt and heeth / Tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne / Hath in the ram his halve cours yronne … <- this is middle english. it is more intelligible, but it’s still very different from what we speak now. (excerpt from the canterbury tales)
Is this a dagger which I see before me, / The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee. / I have thee not, and yet I see thee still. / Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible / To feeling as to sight? <- this is early modern english. this is so intelligible that we trust teenagers to read it in school. (excerpt from macbeth)
the english you are using to give a post a medieval or renaissance/shakespearean vibe is early modern english, not old english. (it's fine that you're using early modern english for a medieval vibe; no one expects you to learn middle english for a silly post about knights.)
how do you use pronouns?
'thou' is the informal second-person singular pronoun.
thou/thee/thy/thine
thou is the nominative form. you can use it for the subject of a sentence -> thou knowest me.
thee is the oblique form. you can use it for the object of a sentence -> i know thee.
thy and thine are the genitive forms. you can use them as possessive adjectives for nouns starting with consonants and vowels respectively. -> thy leg is broken. thine arm is broken too.
thine is also the possessive form. think about it like the word 'mine'*. -> my heart was once thine.
*'mine' is also used like thine as a possessive adjective in early modern english; you would say 'mine art' instead of 'my art'
ye and you
originally, 'ye' was the formal or plural nominitive second-person pronoun, and 'you' was the oblique form. so, it would be 'ye know me' and 'i know you'. 'ye' fell out of use and was replaced by 'you'. at that point it was already used as singular. but it was still much more formal than 'thou'.
the 'ye' you see in 'ye olde shoppe' stuff is not this pronoun. it is the way that printers who no longer had a thorn (þ) wrote the word 'the' (previously 'þe'). the 'y' in certain typefaces looked like a thorn, so we got 'ye' for 'the'.
how do you conjugate a verb?
you can't just slap a -th or -st onto the end of any verb. those are for specific conjugations. phrases like "i hath noticed" or "he thinkest that" are not grammatically sound. it's like saying "i has noticed" or "he think that".
the -st or -est ending is for (most) present and past tense verbs conjugated with 'thou'
some examples: thou canst, thou couldst, thou sayest, thou goest, thou wentest, thou hast, thou hadst, thou dost (or doest).
'thou' also has a few irregulars. some examples: thou wilt, thou art and thou wast (for 'to be'), thou shalt.
the -th or -eth ending is for (most) present and past tense conjugated with 'he', 'she', or 'it'
some examples: he hath, she sayeth, it doth, he goeth, she thinketh, it moveth
there are, of course, irregulars. the most important one is 'to be', which conjugates the same for this set as it does in modern english.
note: not every verb conjugates this way. for example, past tense verbs might use auxiliary verbs. so, not 'she cookedeth', but 'she did cook'.
by and large, the 'i', 'we', 'you' (or 'ye'), and 'they' conjugations were the same as they are today.
there were also some verbs that were used differently than we use them today, though (some of these fell out of use over the early modern period):
to be -> sometimes this verb is used instead of 'to have' as the auxiliary verb. 'i am arrived' means 'i have arrived', and 'she is come to see thee' means 'she has come to see you'.
to do -> sometimes this is used for the present progressive (i think that's the right name for it). 'he does speak' means 'he is speaking', and 'i do write' means 'i am writing'.
would -> this can be used to express a desire. 'i would i were a bird' means 'i wish i were a bird'
must -> this can be used without 'go' to mean 'must go'. 'i must to england' means 'i must go to england'
will -> this can be used without 'have' to mean 'will have'. 'you'll none of that' means 'you will have none of that'
there are a million other things i'm not covering, like different sentence structures for questions ('thinkest thou...?' as a valid alternative to 'dost thou think...?'), and different contractions ('she'll not' rather than 'she won't') but this post is long as fuck and i have things to do! enjoy! linguists, feel free to correct me on what name of tenses or declensions or whatever i have mixed up.
(psa: the point of this is not to be a kill-joy about other people's posts that have these errors. it's just a little knowledge sharing.)
wait, important additions:
'wherefore' = 'why', not 'where'. think about it pairing with 'therefore'. an example of the two in use:
'my love, wherefore didst thou pretend to see me not?' [babe, why did you pretend not to see me?]
'thy father, from whom we do keep our love hidden, did at that moment walk nearby. therefore i turned from thee that he might not espy us together' [we're keeping our relationship secret from your dad and he was walking by. i did it so he wouldn't see us together.]
'hither' = 'to here', not 'here'. there's a whole set of these, actually. 'whither' = 'to where' and 'thither' = 'to there'. these pair with 'hence' ('from here'), 'whence' ('from where'), and 'thence' ('from there'). an example of some of these in use:
'whence came you?' [where did you come from?]
(pointing to the left) 'thence came i hither.' [i came here from there.]
'and whither go you now?' [and where are you going now?]
(pointing to the right) 'my lord calls me thither.' [my boss is calling me over there]
'very well. get you hence.' [alright, get away from here.]
'whom' ≠ fancy 'who' and this one is just also true today.
'whom' works for the object of a sentence. 'who' is for the subject. in other words, 'whom' receives the action and 'who' does the action.
'whom wrote that letter to you?' -> incorrect! this should be 'who wrote that letter to you?' because 'who' is doing the action.
'whom did you write that letter to?' (or even better, 'to whom did you write that letter?') -> correct! 'whom' here is receiving the action.
okay bye again
crazy how the printer is the only piece of tech that acts up like that almost every day of its life. and we just accept it
i don't think i've ever met a printer that actually wanted to be a printer. i think most printers have dreams of being on the stage
or perhaps building Saw traps
be careful with what series you watch/read during emotional points in your life because they will forever contain a ghost of your past self within it now
booty shorts that say "I'd rather be in Ankh-Morpork, which is really more of an indictment of the here and now than an endorsement of one's personal safety and happiness in Ankh-Morpork" on the ass in very small font
i can’t believe that dragon keeps eating people. i’m going to [remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health] reform the entire police system.
Vimes at his finest
having anti punitive justice morals sucks because you want to say "man that guy sucks he should get hit with hammers until he dies" but you also want to make it clear you don't think anyone should be put in charge of the 'hit people with hammers until they die" machine.
People have been nagging me to share “the curry story” on here for ages, so alright, I’ll do it. (If you’re Indian and reading this, I am so sorry).
I swear to god, everything I am about to say in this story is true.
When I was eleven, I moved to a small town in rural England and acquired a new best friend at school. Her at that point seemingly-very-normal-parents- nice suburban house, three kids, trampoline in the backyard- invited me over for dinner, and said they were making curry and rhubarb crumble.
“Curry and rhubarb crumble”. Never in the history of mankind have words been so untrue.
The “curry” consisted of, I swear I am not making this up, a vague mixture of * deep breath, oatmeal, tofu sausages, corn, tomato juice, chopped onions, raisins, “leftover broccoli leaves”, kale, and scrambled eggs. The only spice in it was the tiniest smidgen of turmeric. All these ingredients were vaguely stirred together, undercooked, and stuck under a broiler for ten minutes.
They gave me a massive portion. I somehow, I still don’t know how, was polite enough to finish it.
“I’m done,” I said.
“No,” said her father. “In this house, we LICK our plates clean.”
He did. They didn’t make me hold it up and lick it like they all did, but they did make me clean the plate with a piece of bread and my fork until they were satisfied.
Desert came. The rhubarb crumble was entirely unsweetened. Not so much as a raisin. I can’t remember what the crumble part was, because my mind is still haunted by the memory of being forced to eat an entire bowl of unsweetened rhubarb. You know in old Looney Tunes when characters would be tricked into eating allum and their heads would shrink? That’s what eating it felt like. They made me clean my bowl of that too, and wouldn’t let me leave the table until I finished.
The next time, (I was in middle school and as yet too polite to turn down my best friend’s parents) they made “spaghetti and meatballs and salad”. The spaghetti was utterly plain and so undercooked it was crunchy, the “meatballs” consisted of a single large orb of some grey material i have yet to identify, and the salad was, i shit you not, limp boiled lettuce. Crunchy spaghetti, unidentified lumpy grey stuff, and boiled lettuce.
The fascinating thing is that, while yes, these people were obviously health nuts, it was so much more than that. They were health nuts who also cooked like aliens who had never seen human food before. Or like small children making “potions”. One of the more edible things they served to me once was a dessert they made up which consisted of halved apples rolled in cornflour with some milk poured on top. One time, they were convinced to make pizza as a treat. They decided to put an onion on it. Fair and fine, you’d think. Not in that house. They just cut the onion in half once, and stuck each unchopped half facedown on one side of the pizza.
Speaking of onions, one time, my friend decided to make a banana and yoghurt smoothie. Her dad came in, said it wasn’t healthy enough, and made her add an onion to it.
They had a homemade cereal I thankfully was able to opt out of trying which 100% looked like the contents of a vacuum bag. I still have no idea what it contained.
Amazingly, it was by no means just me who experienced this. It was a small town, and every girl in it my age had a selection of horror stories about being invited to dinner at this friend’s house in the exact same ritualistic horror-film fashion. We used to sit around comparing them at sleepovers. Age did not exempt you. One time, this friend’s six year old brother had a friend over for dinner at the same time, poor soul. His mom arrived to pick him up, and wasn’t allowed to take him home until he finished whatever crime against cooking was on the menu that night.
Every story was the same. The ritual that never varied. Every time, these people would make a huge fanfare out of inviting you over for dinner, act all hospitable and excited, set the table, and then serve you a massive helping of the worst food in the world, and make you clean your plate of it, desert included. Who the hell forces you to finish your DESERT?
It’s a mystery to me. They clearly had SOME degree of self-awareness, because after I came to my senses and started coming up with excuses to avoid eating at their house they would tease me saying things like “ohoho, you don’t like LIKE our food do you”. If they had been a bit more fun and less generally puritanical sort of people, I could totally believe this was a family trolling activity where they secretly schemed to come up with the worst possible dishes, secretly filmed themselves forcing people to eat them and watched it and laughed afterwards, I could believe it.
All I’m saying is I’m pretty sure they weren’t aliens, but the more I type this out, the more tempted I am to believe it. Fuck it, maybe they WERE aliens.
This whole thing is wild but I’ve tried to read the list of ingredients in that “curry” like 3 times and my brain just checks out every time. It’s like you’re trying to read a long passage in a textbook you don’t understand. My brain is just noping right out of there.
Describing Terry Pratchett’s books is difficult. Someone asked me what the book I was reading was about, and I had to tell them it was about banking and the gold standard, but like in a cool way with golems and action.
I don’t think they believed me.
welcome to the club
It is so, so difficult to explain to people that your favorite book is about transgender feminist dwarves, Nazi werewolves, and the mystery of a missing piece of really old ritual bread. And Opera saves the day.
yes, give us those sweet, sweet, terrible descriptions
A tortoise who’s really a god, finds an allegory for Jesus and they go on adventures in an ancient greece like place and then a desert
The chief of police averts a rerun of an ancient war, partially despite and partially because of being possessed by a dying dwarf’s graffiti
It’s like Les Miserables but Javert is the good guy and also there’s time travel.
Macbeth but it’s about the witches
Chapter one, the protagonist is hanged. Then he’s put in charge of the post office. Yes, in that order.
it’s like mulan if there were way more mulans in mulan and also pratchett is extra irritated that too many people missed the point of jingo
The bureaucrats of the universe get annoyed at the paperwork humanity causes so they decide to steal Christmas. Replacement Christmas is done by Death and replacement Death is done by goth Mary Poppins, who is also in charge of the investigation.
these are all nice and accurate reasons to read discworld if you haven’t yet
Romeo and Juliet football AU but the other team is wizards
Hollywood????
An entire clan of tattooed, hairy, kleptomaniac, alcoholic Scotsmen decide a little girl is their new best friend whether she wants to be or not and she rescues her absolutely worthless brother by discovering the power of selfishness.
@cosmictwobyfour
Someone is dying, journalism is being invented, and part of Pulp Fiction is going on in the background.
The universes burocrats want to measure everything so they pay a man to imprison time so everything will stop and they can measure things in peace. Goth mary Poppins saves the day, the fifth horseman of the apocalypse is the best Milkman in the world, and chocolate saves the day. Also someone was born twice.
Classic dynastic machinations are happening in fantasy China, to be completely overturned by a gang of elderly barbarian heroes and the world’s worst wizard and best sprinter
Death incarnate battles a shopping cart for the fate of the world.
@grifalinas
Phantom of the Opera au, except there’s witches, a cookbook that is thinly-veiled pornography, and Christine is played by a fledgeling witch with multiple personalities who can’t stop being sensible long enough to enjoy herself
Hidden heir to the throne decides an cynical, alcoholic cop is the best role model in the world.
Atlantis provides an excuse for a xenophobia-inspired war between Britain and the Middle East but it’s fine because the armies are arrested for conspiracy to cause public nuisance.
the jfk assassination is parodied in the above.
Rain is brought to australia by a lousy wizzard who runs from dropbears, steals a sheep, and invents vegamite
(sigh)(smile) All of the above.
You can defeat Vampire Fascism with the powers of violence, your debilitating anxiety disorder, and a nice cup of tea
the pied piper is a racket being run by some talking mice and a cat but they accidentally invent socialism. then of course there are also the rat horrors
there’s a camel
a wizard who knows only one spell is menaced by some luggage. there’s a tourist.
And while the aforementioned terrible wizard is having an awful time in Fantasy Australia, his colleagues try to find him and accidentally invent sex and the platypus along the way.
Have you ever wondered about the poor people whose sole role in the narrative is to rush into the room when summoned and be slaughtered by the hero? THIS is their story. Also, it’s a million to one chance that they hit the voonerables.
Fairy Godmothers fight fairytale endings with the power of Logic. There is also a very sexy cat.
death himself goes to live on a farm
In a fantasy setting, my job would be exactly the same
Epilouge:
Hey kid, look at me.
I want you to T-pose. Turn your right thumb up and your left thumb doen and look at your right thumb. Move your arms up and down a bit until you feel a nerve running from your armpit to your palm. Now turn your right thumb down and your left thumb up, and look at your left thumb. Keep your chest facing forward and your shoulders back. Move your arms again until you feel that nerve again. Keep alternating between these two for a minute, or look at each thumb thirty times each.
Now sit down. Put your left hand firmly under your left buttock, palm down. Keep your shoulders back and put your right hand over the crown of your head, very gently pulling it to the right. Do this for thirty seconds, then do it again but with your right hand under your right buttock.
These are stretches for the nerves in your arms, and are very good for people who sit behind a computer a lot, or fibre artists, or you name it. Do them daily. They will hurt in the beginning, but keep doing them, even after the pain has gone, or it will return and you'll have to start all over.
Me when I see the word beaʃte
In my head: ah! The archaic form of the letter s! Being a casual scholar of linguistics myself I am well aware that though it resembles the letter f in modern typography in fact it is phonetically identical to s! How foolish it would be to stumble into such a simple lexiconical pitfall!
Me aloud to myself every time: beeft
‘full movie watch free online’ was in the early 21st century a kind of prayer
you bottle Miette??
You crush Miette like the grape?
brick up mother in basement for ONE THOUSAND YEARS
The Cask of Miettellado