The cold wind gushed by, Felixs hands still trembling but not because of the wind, rather because of his spiralling thoughts.
Forcing his head down, he placed shaky palms on his ears as a lousy attempt to hide from the constant noise. If only it was the room and not his own mind that was creating the insufferable sounds.
He stared at his legs that felt weak unfamiliar but soon the rapidly running drops caught his attention. Was he crying? He didn't deserve to cry, he didn't deserve to feel. Forcing his eyes shut, he tried to stop his breath, hoping it would come back to normal as he let go. He felt tried, not that he deserved too, he had barely done anything today. Stressing over minor inconveniences, how pathetic was he really?
Everyone had problems, everyone had issues and Felixs weren't that important compared to others anyway. Maybe his family was right, maybe he was over-reacting, or being over-sensitive.
'Deep breaths, in and out, in and out, in...' he repeated the mantra, over and over and yet it seemed to bring more harm then good, 'like me', he giggled to himself about his own little joke, ignoring how messed up it was.
Felix deep down wanted the members to notice, to care, to help but that was just his wild expectations right? They were all merely co-workers, roomates at most, expecting them to comfort him was too much, he should listen to his family, they know best.
The tears were running dry, his face felt numb, his body felt numb and he knew soon he’ll be numb too.
It was always like this, a brush of sudden excessive emotions and then black, pitch black. He didn't feel sad anymore though, that was a good thing right? He thought to himself.
'I'm not sad, that means I am OK right?' He'd often ask himself, but every single time he knew, he knew this was worse. The numbness, the apathy. He was slowly but surely deteriorating into a hole of nothing.
_________________________________
"Hey we have practice later so we are gonna go eat now, wanna come with?" Jisung ever-so-sweetly asked, he and felix always had been close, maybe because they clicked so much, or maybe because they were the same age or was it was because jisung was one of the few people who knew about felix's.. problems? Maybe.
"Nah, you go ahead" he didn't want to repeat what happened last time. The annoyed waiter tapping is foot rapidly waiting for him to choose, his mind hazzy from the bustling noise of the busy restaurant, he remembers feeling suffocated while his eyes and mind were everywhere but the menu, he probably annoyed the members too right? Who wouldn't be annoyed.
"Ya sure? No one is cooking later tonight since we're eating out" jisung inquired again, making sure Felix wasn't just saying it because he didn't want to move.
"Yes yes, go already, others are probably waiting"
"Oh they can wait for this magnificence that is thy" he mumbled the words with sass and he closed the door on the was out, waving a lazy goodbye towards the latter. It had been a while since he went out with them, maybe he should have gone? But he didn't want to though, well what If they thought felix didn't want to be with them? And down he went, dragged by the weight of his meaningless thoughts into a hobbit he was all too familiar with.
____________________________________
Life was weird? Sometimes he felt as though he was falling into a deep dark hole with an limitless end but for a while it all seemed to disappear. Maybe it was a mirage in his dayless dessert, whatever it was he never seemed to be able to enjoy it. He felt whole with his anxiety as much He'd hate to admit, it was a part of him that was just there.
While in this seemingly paradise he felt out of place, guilty even.
Today was not one of those days though.
Maybe because he felt okay, good even that things came crashing down. He had felt productive a few hours prior, he practiced for his language, dance and vocals classes and even managed gaining broken compliments from his stingy trainers, he went out with the members, ate, maybe not something healthy but at least it wasn't forced down this throat while he cluched his thigh.
The headache was the first sign he choose to ignore, the lack of concentration though he couldn't. It wasn't that what he was doing was considered 'work', he was plainly looking for shows to bringe with a bag of 'healthy' chips.
Click
Vinland sage; 7 minutes
Click
Big bang theory; 12 minutes
Click
Space force; 6 minutes
Click
The office; 14 minutes
Maybe he should draw? Nah, hyunjin was better then him anyways, though it didn't occur to him why that was his first thought. Yes, he should play the guitar- he always wanted to learn the instrument for stay.
He walked down to Channies room and grabbed the extra guitar, grabbed a pick from the jar on the table next to changbin's laptop and went back to his shared room with jisung, though jisung was hardly there, cuddled up in minho's bed, which was apparently way more fluffier than it seemed. Sitting on his bed he sighed and waited for nothing in particular, shoulders drunk down, eyes worn out and tried.
__________________________________
Nights were weird, sometimes he would sleep soundlessly some nights he’d lie awake busying himself with work.
But tonight was different, well not that different, these feelings came back time to time, though he could never pin point when.
In these nights,
he was hungry, but couldn't eat?
Was tried, but couldn't sleep?
Wanted to do something, but couldn't concentrate?
Sitting in the corner of the shared dorm room, felix curled up in middle of the intersecting walls, next to the bunk bed he and Jisung shared, who was probably as usual cuddling with Minho in minho's and chan's dorm while chan stayed up like himself, just more productive.
His head hurt, body hurt and yet he found himself pulling, twisting and pressing the fresh peircing on his helix, something he got a few day ago. It hurt, it hurt bad but that didn't stop him from doing again and again and again and again.
Pulling, he winced eyes shut close for a brief moment and he internalised the pain, after all it helped him stay grounded.
Twisting, he instinctively tried to pull way but he pulled through, the fresh wound throbbing with pain, it helped him stay conscious, stay sane in a weird sort of way.
Pulling, blood slowly tricked down his ears onto his fingers towards his palms, ears really did bleed that much huh?, it helped him concentrate, concentrate on the flowing bright blood and it trailed down, spreading all over.
Shutting his eyes close he banged the wall behind his head, eyes squeezed shut, guilt creeping up him. This was not self-harm right? He was getting better right? He didn't just relapse right now through a fucking piercing did he?
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