I have felt like this! For a little bit different reasons, but a similar pool. When I was querying my pirate trilogy for traditional publishing I got so out of sorts about my place as a writer that for a stretch I didn't write anything at all for like 2 or 3 months (sounds like not that long but it is for me, like I wasn't even scribbling fic to myself in my email or anything). I eventually had to get down to the brass tacks of why I would publish those (or any novel) and it was that it was important to me to get them out into the world. So, I've claimed my place as a very small time indie writer (not the kind quick drafting and putting out a book every three months which is fine for some folks! But the genre I write in just makes that ... not possible. And it's not how I function).
And I def have moments where I get frustrated with fandom and feel like "is my fic worth it." I feel like there's a strong pull these days in fandom to latch onto a mega popular pairing or fanon and write that to get readers quickly, and that's you know, fine, I guess, but not really how I perceive what fic should be about? For me, fic has always been about a drive for a certain character, plot idea, or character relationship (platonic or shippy), something that gets you excited and drives you forward. That's pure, undistilled love of the game, babey! But, it can be a bummer if I put up a chapter and don't get a lot of engagement, or if an older fic of mine keeps getting engagement but a newer one doesn't get as much, etc. My wife will tell you that I lay around very dramatically sometimes like "am I DUMB for even WRITING this??" but then I have to get back at the foundation of why I'm doing it. Am I still excited? Am I having fun? Does it mean something to me? Then yes, I should keep doing it. I think one of the tricky things with longfics in particular is things very much DO ebb and flow as far as engagement because people might not comment on each chapter, they might wait until the end, or any number of situations. I have had to learn that even if I'm feeling sad or frustrated for a moment, someone will come along with a comment or a message or anything like that at some point that will bolster me right up. And, even if they didn't, I have to allow myself to be excited about what I'm writing for my own sake! Sometimes, in my case, my OCD is like no!!! You're not Allowed to be excited just because!!! Which is silly but a thing I do have to combat, and combatting that is worth it. Creating itself truly is its own reward in that way. It sounds so cliche to say, but I really do think putting something you love out there in the world just because you want to will likely draw people to that work whether now or later. I think fandom could use a lot more genuine love in it, these days. I also think having a few friends who you can babble to about what you're working on is really important, too!
And I think like, AI is fucken. Frustrating and obnoxious, but the thing I find to be more of an issue in fandom these days as a longfic writer is the way that consumption has become a lot more of a prevalent attitude. Like, authors want to be talked to! Comment on chapters, reply to posts, send messages, whatever works, you know? But, yes, I definitely get feeling this way, sometimes, and I think what helps is just getting back to remembering WHAT made you excited to create for this piece of media in the first place and have FUN with it.
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