nothing at all

hi im merlin ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[paper-mario-wiki]

It's 2023. It's time to make a new trollsona.

[paper-mario-wiki]

NAME: Kippyr Wulton

HANDLE: eclecticConservator

TYPING QUIRK: "shortenin stuff where i can. cant be typin all day. you got somethin for me? spit it out. i got somethin for you? i'll keep it to three sentences or less."

(Preference towards shortened sentences with clipped words. They prefer brevity and function in communication over flourish and theatrics.)

LUNAR PREFERENCE: Derse Dreamer

CLASSPECT: Seer of Mind

Your name is KIPPYR WULTON. You live in a SHACK in the WOODS. You've always preferred a life of privacy, and you love all of the not worrying about being killed in your sleep that not living in a city affords you.

Another perk of your rural living choices is the absolute wealth of STUFF in the willderness. COLLECTING and APPRECIATING all of your WICKED COOL TREASURE gives you life. You tend to have a keen eye for value in what others might see as usless. Your friends often call you a KLEPTOMANIAC and a HOARDER, but you prefer to see yourself as an APPRAISER and CURATOR. This interest of yours is fueled by the fact that the woods surrounding your house are jam-packed with DUNGEONS and CRYPTS, ripe for the picking! You can't keep everything in your pockets, even if you are wearing your iconic TWO JACKETS, so you try not to leave the house without your trusty SATCHEL.

Whenever you're not plundering and indexing your many prizes and curios, you're otherwise a HABITUAL DABBLER. You absolutely love getting little tastes of everything. Yesterday you picked up beatboxing. The week before that you were learning to weld. Tomorrow, who knows! You've heard that SPEEDRUNNING is pretty fun, maybe you'll get into that. Most of the time, however, you tend to just FUCK AROUND and PHILOSOPHIZE about utter bullshit. Everything is connected somehow, and you love to TRACK PATTERNS in all things.

Kippyr's main ability is their research and development into the RPS chart, which is of course an ontologically infallibe rulebook to the warring forces of the universe (it's Rock Paper Scissors).

At the start of the story, the RPS chart is fairly small, looking something like this.

Though as their session continues it grows larger and larger, until it contains a comprehensive list if all things (physical and conceptual) in the universe, including how they connect and interact with each other.

Kippyr's strength is that they can access anything they might need in their satchel, which is eventually upgraded to act as effectively infinite hammer space.

As a Seer of Mind player, they break down problems into steps and work backwards until they have a solution. Most of their session involves progressively crazier and more bombastic reveals, like how they figured out "Two-ton steel porcupine" instantly beats "Gate 1 boss, Tr'ullia Gobmaw", or the shocking reveal that the perfect counter to "Lock carved by the ancients" was, in fact, "Napkin folded up into a paper frog and set on the ground for a week".

Studying this list is something Kippyr dedicates YEARS of their life to. Their end-game gear allows them to access different volumes of knowledge stored on external mental hard drives, as their limited mortal mind couldn't possibly understand the RPS fractal all at the same time. Also, when they need to fetch an ID number for an item on the chart, it's represented by a double-sided barcode printed out on an old timey stock ticker.

Also here's their planet.

It's 2023. It's time to make a new trollsona.

[onepeachymo]

i could not resist

[paper-mario-wiki]

YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK YES DUDE!!!!!!! FUCK YES!!!!!

[paper-mario-wiki]

retcon

she/they now. motherfuckers

[lesbiancolumbo]

Actress must have no mouth no feet shoulder girdle hangs light hanging so-o-o loose everything focus my thought on the partner— feeling in the end of my fingers

an unnamed fragment of a poem by Marilyn Monroe, written circa 1951

[tropiyas]

do you prefer your coffee rebecca black or with rebecca sugar

[animentality]

[spideronamountain]

Hopped onto the train after being reminded of a post someone made

[targetedknowledge]

[aqueerkettleofish]

For those who have missed it, a tourist in Hawaii decided it would be fun to chuck a rock (a BIG rock) at a monk seal. He missed, but he was captured on video, and when told it was illegal to interfere with them, said "I'm rich, I can pay the fine."

Is the best part that he got doxxed? No.

Is the best part that he got tracked down by a local and beaten? No.

Arrested on state at federal charges, looking at up to 5 years and 50K? Nope.

The best part is the local city council's reaction.

And the best part of that is the look on the attorney's face.

[ralfmaximus]

More of this please, everywhere.

After the incident, another video went viral showing what appeared to be that man getting a beating. The Maui Police Department said they had no record of any reports of disorderly conduct or assault related to the monk seal incident.

Even the local police are being cool about this.

[nearlya]

Li Hongbo. Flexible Woman

[raccoonmilf]

When I was in grade school I used to send emails to biologists and zoologists asking them questions to get answers to include in school projects I was working on, and would cry when they did not respond because I thought I was stupid for thinking that some random kid would ever be deserving of a response from someone who does something as smart and cool and important as *checks notes* studies frog fungus.

Now, at 29, I’m lowkey having a panic attack because my academic email is filled with middle schoolers wanting me to answer their questions about pygmy raccoons and I keep putting off answering them because I’m so overwhelmed with all the other raccoon stuff I have to do.

Anyway, greatest apologies to any scientist I ever emailed as a child and also an adult.

[raccoonmilf]

I know your research is really important and I appreciate all you are doing but this is so fucking funny

[hellenhighwater]

Gonna get myself a fun little surprise I guess

[hellenhighwater]

This is better than I'd ever hoped for, I bet a rat could kill you with that thing by firing a laser back in time and electrocuting your grandfather

Just look at this thing

[hellenhighwater]

The rat gun is hereeeeee!

[hellenhighwater]

This is getting notes again so I will admit that "rat gun" was an autocorrect error and it was supposed to be "ray gun."

But it'll always be a rat gun to me.

[hellenhighwater]

The most expensive thing in these pictures was the cat, and he was $60.

[hellenhighwater]

I'll be honest--I forgot that the pump organ desk/bar was visible in the background, and it was NOT under $60.

It was actually $75.

The chairs, however, were paid for in human life. I inherited them; they were originally my great grandmother's. But they're not particularly rare-- you can find these exact chairs without a lot of effort, in reasonable shape, for not that much money. They made a lot of them.

[theworsethingsgettheharderifight]

your gazelle has a pearl choker

[hellenhighwater]

That's Hadrian. He's a bush buck and he loves fashion.

[hellenhighwater]

Hi you asked this question and I immediately went to the pottery studio to make a calcifer to put in my woodstove.

Will update if he survives the kiln.

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

i am still on tenterhooks vis a vis calcifer 🥺🥺🥺

[hellenhighwater]

I just brought him home from the pottery studio and wired him for light. He lives!!!!!

[thebisexualwreckoning]

OP just wondering do you like have the closet to Narnia tucked in there somewhere?

[hellenhighwater]

Dude, c'mon, these things take time.

Give me a couple hours.

[hellenhighwater]

Okay!! We have doordrobe! It's not quite done but after nearly turning myself into an hellpancake while carrying this in from the garage to the house, I feel like I should call it a night.

Right now it's not going into a secret room (but the Angel of Death (And WiFi) behind it does have a secret compartment for my router? Does that count) but Malice and Vice are still exploring it like it's a whole new world.

The House of Horrors continues to be...well, exactly what it is.

[hellenhighwater]

Oh, no, all radioactive materials go in The Box.

[copp3rtop]

please explain. Do you actually have a lead lined box for radioactive objects, or are you just talking about the router behind the painting?

[hellenhighwater]

The Box.

[hellenhighwater]

Not people's teeth, no.

[chaoticgremlinmakingart]

Holy shit. This just keeps getting better and better. Absolutely marvelous house. What other treasures do you have in that house?

[hellenhighwater]

I recently got some very silly dishes and a telescope!

[hellenhighwater]

All of these accusations of witchcraft! As if the vibe in this house could be any more clearly Artificer.

[joy-and-whimsy-official]

Joy and whimsy detected! This house is joyful and whimsical!

[rozzed]

why not have the reader re-read a sentence now and then? it won't hurt him....

[official-cisphobe]

here's a random word generator--whatever word it gives you is now the thing you are the deity of

[pisces-core]

[packs-pngs]

[merlinknowsnothing]

manifesting delicious breakfast

[marshosaur]

“how long has it been?”

[dwarven-beard-spores]

Starting a gofundme for my friend Bunbury who's a terrible invalid,

[muffindemirtilo]

Well, I'm starting a gofundme for the funeral of my brother Ernest, who died in Paris of a severe chill,

[foldingfittedsheets]

During one semester of PE in high school I got put in a section called Team Sports. This was significantly better than a regular unit because the athletic kids were able to play and I largely got to sit and watch.

Months were devoted to what they called Pickle Ball but I’ve since learned was basically ping pong with larger than average paddles. The paddles had been through the absolute wringer, all padding had been rubbed and torn off by a relentless stream of bored adolescents like myself.

This presented me with a unique opportunity. I had a pencil, nominally used to keep score. I had a blank wooden panel. And I had large stretches of time sitting on the sidelines.

Every day I’d pick a blank paddle. I’d doodle little animals, bizarre monstrosities, and a bunch that were just a huge eye in the middle with the words “Big Brother is Watching”. What can I say; I was reading 1984 at the time.

When we finally finished with the paddles and moved on to badminton I completely forgot my dozens of illustrations.

It wasn’t until several years later that it got brought up again. I was hanging out with a friend and their younger sibling. We were listening to them lament their high school experience of the day. “But I won the Pegasus paddle, so that was cool.”

“Wait- what?”

“Yeah, most of them are just Big Brother, so they’re not exciting, but there’s only one Pegasus so we fight over it. Last week I had an elephant I really liked though.”

“You guys fight over the paddles with art on them…?”

“Yeah!”

My friend turned to me and asked, “Didn’t you make all those drawings?”

Their sibling lit up, “You made them?!”

I sat in silence as the complexity of the world and the waves we leave behind as we move through it washed over me. I contemplated how intertwined I was with the rest of existence to create such a beautiful moment.

I had made art on a whim out of boredom and it had an effect on someone else’s day, someone who through random happenstance years later was telling me about it all unknowing.

Their sibling was delighted when I drew them another pegasus on the spot and announced that they’d be the talk of PE now that they’d uncovered the mystery artist.

[newsandstuffisee]