Pairing- Park Jimin x Reader
Genre- Angst, eventual fluff
Warnings- Quite some negative thoughts in the middle. Oh, and it’s pretty long. Thought that should be a warning too?
A/N- A friend to whom I showed my drafts told me to post this, it’s been there since as long as this blog has been lmao. idk I just don’t feel satisfied with this piece of writing? please tell me how it is!
You had finally reached home. The five hours of overworking nearly killed you. They made the whole situation you were in, worse.
Your mind had lately been engulfed in dark thoughts. You thought those days had slowly faded away since you had started dating Jimin. But if you’ve ever had depression at some point in your life, that doesn’t stop you from being a victim again.
And this was such a wrong time. Jimin was touring. The man who managed to heal most of those scars wasn’t with you. Your fingers itched to speed dial his number and just hear his voice, hear his whining, or his soft giggles. Or how poetic he sounds when he tells you he loves you. But you held yourself back, because a part of your toxic thoughts made you feel like you were too clingy a girlfriend. You don’t want to be a burden on him when he’s miles away, you thought to yourself.
The past week had you reflecting on your past- your broken self from a few months ago, and the start of your relationship with Jimin. And then came the negative thoughts; had Jimin started dating you because he pitied your shattered self? Haven’t you been so dependent on him? Aren’t you always crying about your sorry self to him? Isn’t that so selfish of you? What have you done for him?
You threw your bag on the couch and trudged towards the bedroom. Don’t you think you’re pulling him down? Weighing him down? You opened the bathroom door and leaned on the sink. Isn’t he missing out on so much because of you? You stared at yourself in the mirror for a few moments. Who are you, really? Clearly, you’re way out of his league. Or anyone’s, for that matter. No wonder they all left you. Why don’t you stop trying?
You backed out into the bedroom and slumped against the wall. You were sad, you were frustrated. You knew why, but didn’t, at the same time. The tightness that remained in your throat throughout the day was slowly going, because you finally let it all out.
You began to sob uncontrollably, and your frustration made your hands want to claw at something. That something soon turned out to be your own arms. Your nails left bright red lines along your arms, and they slowly began to burn. Your face ended up with those lines too. Your face was burning, and the tears made it worse.
You bitch, no one’s going to love you! The memory of the last thing your ex said flashed before you. It made the tears come faster. It made you feel small and worthless in this big, big, world.
But at some point, exhaustion took over you and you fell asleep.
You were sitting on the floor with your knees hugging your chest. The place you were was so narrow, that it wasn’t even a room. You couldn’t even spread your arms and legs. But the ceiling was so high that you couldn’t even see it, all you could see was blackness.
You grew restless with suffocation and looked around for an exit.
And then water started to pour over you from the top. You couldn’t even see where it was coming from. But it was slowly filling the small place you were trapped in. When the water level reached your chin, you flailed around to prevent yourself from drowning.
It had reached your eyes now, the water. Your eyes were burning and your lungs ached as they filled with water. You tried to swim to the top, only in vain. Everything around you was sickly grey, the colour of the walls, and it slowly turned black as your vision disappeared...
You woke up in cold sweat, tangled in sheets, gasping for air.
You didn’t realise you were choking on tears till you let out a sob.
And soon, your crying escalated to a point where you couldn’t breathe. You gasped for air but your cries made you feel suffocated.
You don’t know how, but you found yourself dialling Jimin’s number. You couldn’t even think of cutting the call instantly, because he picked it up in a single ring.
“Y/N! I just clicked a picture and was sending it to you!” And then he paused. “Wait. Isn’t it like 2 am there? Why are you awake?” He added. His voice was high-pitched, trying to speak over the noise in the background.
When you didn’t reply, he said, “Y/N..?”
“Jimin” You managed to gasp.
“Oh my god, what’s wrong, baby?”
You tried to say “nothing”, but, you know those times where if you try to speak, you’ll end up crying even more? This moment was the best example.
“N-no...I-” Your voice quivered, but you couldn’t. So you began to cry your breathless ones.
“Oh god, Y/N. Calm down or you won’t be able to breathe!”
“Shhhh. Breathe as I count, okay?” Now his voice was softer, probably because he went to a quieter room.
You tried to take long breaths as he counted slowly. You could hear the tension in his voice and hated to be the one to make him worried for you like this. You really are no good, are you?
Your breaths came out shaky but you felt better.
“I don’t know what made you break down like this... I wish I did. I wish I was there next to you right now... Shit, I feel so useless. Damn this tour and-”
“N-no! It’s not your fault! I just, haven’t been myself lately, that’s all. And I should be sorry! You were probably busy with everything and-”
“All that doesn’t matter when you’re crying so much that you can’t even breathe! I couldn’t care less about practice if it’s anything with you involved.”
“I love you so much, Jiminie. I’ll...try to sleep now? Sorry, again.”
“I swear, Y/N, if you say sorry again-”
“Y/N.” He said in a fake angry voice.
“Okay, well, then, I apologise for that.” You giggled.
“Can I sing you a song while you try to sleep? Okay wait, that wasn’t a question, I am.”
You always found his voice beautiful. You liked all of his band’s songs, but his voice especially. You’d repeat his parts all the time and never get tired of it.
But in this moment, it sounded so much more beautiful, so much more melodious, and so much more emotional, and you didn’t think that was possible.
You woke up at the sound of your phone ringing. You tried to ignore it at first but it rang again. The screen said BOSS. “Oh shit.” You groaned.
“Um, hello?” Your voice sounded hoarse with all the crying so you were praying that asking for a sick leave would work.
“Y/N, why aren’t you at work yet?”
“Uh, sir...I came down with a fever last night. Is it okay if I stay at home today?”
“Hmm. Fine. But I need you here tomorrow no matter what, okay?” And he cut the call.
You sighed. Well, at least you did something good in the past few days, you thought. Maybe you aren’t as worthless as you thought.
Wow, it hurt to even blink. You really did cry a lot last night. You felt so tired to move that you just lay there for who knows how long, and drifted to sleep again.
You woke up to the sound of the doorbell this time.
Doorbell? Wait, who could it be?
You, in your dishevelled state, somehow managed to make it to the door and opened it without a second thought.
“Jimin” you gasped, this time in surprise. There were tears in your eyes, this time because you were happy.
He ran to hug you so hard you thought you’d be crushed. And then he stepped back to admire you. And then worriedly took your face in his hands. “What’s this? What’re these red marks on your face? Did you fight with someone while I was gone?”
“No...” You faltered. “I think it happened when I was crying yesterday...”
And to your surprise, there were tears in his eyes too. He led you to the couch, made you sit at the edge and kneeled before you. “Now, I need you to tell me what happened.”
“It was nothing.” You said with a sob.
“But you’re crying again.”
“And so are you.” And then you both giggled. But it didn’t last for long.
“Y/N...please. I need to know.” He pleaded softly.
“I don’t know... I’ve just not been myself lately.” You said again, like last night.
“That’s not a valid reason. You know you can’t hide anything from me. Tell me.” And then he took your hands in his. “Or I won’t let go of your hands.” He added.
He took a sharp breath when he saw the scars on your hands.
“Have you...been hurting yourself again? Like before?” He asked. His voice was dangerously soft.
“No! I-I didn’t do it on purpose! It’s just something I can’t control...My hands just... scratch whatever they find...” You trailed off, realising how stupid that sounded.
“Your own arms? Your own face?” He asked, trying to understand where you were coming from. You could only shrug in response.
“You’re having those thoughts again, right? About you being worthless, and selfish, and not good enough, and whatnot?” His fingers made air quotes for worthless, selfish, and good enough.
At that, you couldn’t look at him in the eye.
“Just like the time we started dating. You were like this then, too. I...I thought being with me changed you. That you forgot all those thoughts of yours and moved on. And I guess it was my fault for forgetting about your past.” He said. “But tell me, do you not believe me when I tell you I love you?” He added, a moment later.
You tried to blink the tears away but you couldn’t. You cry so damn much, Y/N.
“It’s just that...I feel like I’m such a bother! I’m tying you down when you should be having the time of your life...and then there’re times where I just keep weeping about my pathetic self to you...I feel like I’m such an attention seeker? I only talk about my problems, and you do everything to cheer me up and ask for nothing in return...It’s no wonder my ex left me, and I’m scared you will, too, and I don’t know what I’ll do then-”
He put his finger to your lips.“Okay, first of all, stop badmouthing my girlfriend. Secondly, he’s your ex and he’s not a part of this discussion. He and I don’t get along even in the same sentence.” You always found it cute how he got worked up over your ex and you couldn’t help but smile this time either.
“Thirdly, I have no clue why you think you’ve never done anything for me. The reason I even feel alive is because you’re in my life. You find my voice beautiful, don’t you? I sing with all I’ve got because you’re all I’ve got.
“And lastly, I won’t ever leave you, Y/N. I knew I wouldn’t, the day our eyes met across the room. Sounds cheesy, but I mean it. And I want you to tell me everything from now on. No holding back.” And then added jokingly, “Because I don’t think I’ll be allowed to come back on such a short notice while I’m on tour, and I need to be convinced that you’ll be fine on your own for a while. How will I sing my best, otherwise?”
And you realised with a start that he wasn’t even supposed to be here.
“Oh my god, why did you even come back?” You asked worriedly.
He put his hand on his heart as if hurt. “Ahh, Y/N, that sentence wounded me. Do you not want me to be here?”
“Of course I do, but I feel like shit for making you ruin your routine on tour.”
He laughed his soft laugh. The one you love. “Nah, it wasn’t such a big issue. We had a two-day gap between our concerts. And like I said before, it doesn’t matter if it’s you.” He bopped your nose, and you both burst into giggles.
“But I’ll have to catch the first flight tomorrow morning and head back...” He said. “Are you sure you’ll be fine? Do you want to come with me?” He added worriedly.
“No!” You said all too suddenly. You lowered your voice and continued. “I mean, no, I shouldn’t come with you on tour. I can’t ditch work, anyways.” You said. “And I wouldn’t want to distract a certain someone” You added flirtatiously.
“Oh, you already did. And he flew all the way to see you.” He pushed you down on the couch, you between his arms.
Your smile faded at that. “You didn’t need to! I’m sorry that-”
He leaned down and kissed you deeply.
“I told you not to say sorry, didn’t I?”
There might be a few mistakes in the story. Like I said, it’s a very old post. I feel like it loses its point somewhere along the line? In terms of its genre, I mean. I guess it was the first piece of fanfic I wrote. I don’t remember😂
But please do tell me how you found it, I’d love some feedback💕
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