between night and day.

"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours." - Clementine

[missmitakarcloud]

how does it feel?

[missmitakarcloud]

[missmitakarcloud]

closing time?

I feel like something is closing in me while I seem to be healing.

and somehow it scares me. but why? because it’s change? maybe.

where is that feeling of closing coming from and what is closing?

It could be while I am healing that my inner child is healing. ergo my inner child gets more quite.

that’s why it might feel like something is missing

and we are more used to listing to our inner child all day long.

but the more we heal our inner child,

the more it gets quiet I guess.

and the more this silence deepens and occurred the more it could feel unbearable to stand because what is missing felt like it was needed there,

maybe for protection,

maybe simply because we couldn’t imagine a life without it.

that’s the most common reason why we hold on to things

and not always is holding on good for us.

but letting to go fast can lead in some incidences to withdrawalsyndroms that feel unbearable to handle .

so maybe that just means we should slow down our healing.

not that we shouldn’t try to heal at all

but just to give it more time

. sometimes it’s better to rip the band-Aid off slowly.

sometimes fast is good, but only if you can handle it and want it. but if you feel like you can’t handle it: slow down again.

stop for a moment and take a breath.

and think about again.

what do I need right now? like really?

what would help me right now?

if that’s not healthy too, what else could help me? not just in the moment but on the long run.

so you still allow yourself to heal, while not forcing it.

you seeing your inner child and treading it with respect. you respect your inner child’s boundaries

and hence your boundaries.

how you should have been treaded all your life and especially in childhood.

tread yourself the way you need to be treaded and you gonna accept no less then what you need into your life.

Because even if you fear losing your inner child, if you still need it; you can keep it in other ways.

playing. there are different always to play, that don’t need to hurt you in the long run,

if what you’re avoiding is pain.

sometimes we might need to welcome it in in order to be able to let it go again.

who’s gonna go before they even were there?

happens very seldom , I’d say.

so in order to let things go, you have to invite them in at least once.

and sometimes you have to invite them in more then once.

sometimes you might want to invite it in.

that would mean though inviting the pain:

you want the pain.

once you realize that after letting it in again and again.

you can make the decision not to let it enter again.

and that feels like closing.

you are closing doors.

for others maybe,

but also within you.

walking around in your brain, that is your house, that you live in. and you decide which way you go an which doors to leave open and which to close and which to never open again.

sometimes we might like to take a peak and maybe then realize how ugly it is in there and if you like the ugly go ahead. it’s your life and your choices.

if you want to avoid the ugly. put a note in that door:

you don’t want to open this.

and stop yourself. and with time the note will fade. with time the door will not be noticed as a door anymore. with time this door will be hung with pictures or a shelf will be standing in front of it.

no more way in, except with pure force.

but if all goes well you forget about this door completely and it will eventually fade.

that does feel like closing, like disappearing and that is scary, but it doesn’t have to be.

it’s up to you and every decision you make again and again and again.

everything we know and do is trained. we trained ourselves since we were babies and not able to talk. we trained ourself in the womb how to survive. and we were born and we learned how to survive. every day of our lives.

trial and error,

and we came this far.

aren’t you proud?

[missmitakarcloud]

one persons past might be another ones treasure

what I learned from you today. in a nutshell.

actually surprisingly a lot. but something that didn’t stick with me right away. something I had to think about. something, I had to process.

We are all just here to do our part ? and whatever that is for us, we need to find out.

and we probably will sooner or later on the way.

and pursuing our dreams might be in arms reach and still not possible for some reasons. maybe even out of our control.

adapting to where we are and not to be afraid too much.

that’s I guess what you taught me.

just to be you.

thank you, for sharing your energy with me.

[missmitakarcloud]

you know what’s funny?

I wouldn’t want your life. I wouldn’t enjoy being part of the life that you show out in the open.

And I am sure you wouldn’t be ready to live my life right now.

So I guess the timing just brought us different ways.

And If we would have chosen to make it work

, we would have created a really beautiful other demotion/ possible reality , where we would be a different version of what we are right now, but that doesn’t mean anything negative. We could be in a better place, we could be in a worse.

But imagining the better place is a bit addicting sometime.

I have to try to let go of that by

accepting, that the alternative truth that makes me forget and move on is probably the most likely.

at least it’s the one that’s gonna end the suffering of longing for something that you will never have.

It’s so hard to let that go.

But it can be a choice.

you just have to make it

and convince yourself of it.

[missmitakarcloud]

and…

it shouldn’t be allowed to love someone like that and then not do anything possible to be and stay with that person.

that doesn’t seem fair. I refuse to accept that I won’t ever be able to feel this again.

how is that fair ?

[missmitakarcloud]

what I can’t and even refuse to forget.

it’s already said a billion times. you just remember how people made you feel.

and I always understood that in a way.

but now thinking about you again.

this is when it made most sense.

because I remember moments we had. we shared.

flickers of my memory of you.

you. bursting into surprised laughter about something I said.

and man I love your laugh. it made me feel really funny. like you really liked my jokes. my sense of humor. I felt like we shared that sense and it was just one of the best feelings ever.

second the spark in your eye. the sudden glow in your eyes when you looked at me and just realized how much you adored me. that moment right there just made me feel so seen. so loved. so cared for.

just cause you where there with me and somehow my words or something I did triggered something in you that made you look so lovingly at me.

another flicker of a memory pops in my head, where you rub your nose gently on my forehead. just being there, feeling me so gently, so soft and wanting to give me this love. this feeling. It started as a little tingle in my chest and with every following heartbeat warmth just spread though my whole body. and the tingle felt like glitter. sparking up my blood, my body, my whole self, my life, my everything. filling me completely and utterly with warmth and love.

it was all around the energy and that feeling that you wanted to give me. it arrived and I felt it so hard. I wanted to press pause right there in that moment and feel this forever.

and yeah I guess it’s just really the way you made me feel. you made me feel loved. seen, heard, listend to, funny, special, generally good about myself.

wow what a gift.

thank you for sharing that with me. I feel honored I was able to feel your love.

because, oh, how you love so beautifully, so real, so raw. so pure.

something I have never felt in my whole life before.

damn.

thank you for loving me without telling me. thanks for wanting me to feel loved.

I appreciate it more than anything.

[missmitakarcloud]

what you need sometimes

sometimes we need to review ourselves and rewire ourselves.

do what makes you feel you, do exactly what you need right now. just give in and give yourself what you need.

what you need to feel in order to feel the way you need to feel right now, if that makes any sense?

go figure it out first if you don’t know what that is.

take your time.

and once you know: allow yourself that.

that’s what keeps you alive,

that’s what you need,

what you need.

give that to yourself.

You DO deserve it.

[missmitakarcloud]

what do I have to offer ?!

i’ll just show you

i’ll just show you what i need

if i want this to work

this is the only things i can do

try again and again

and learn how to teach you

in a good way

that makes you learn it

finally

how to love me right

the way I need it

to feel loved

and that’s the only, best and most logical way to get the love that you need too.

because what you give me.

I give back to you.

a hundred times.

that’s how my love works.

that’s my one condition .

learn to love me right

and you will be showered with the love

that you need.

that’s my promise.

that’s what I have to offer.

how’s that? not enough?

then what do you need ?!

[missmitakarcloud]

bye soulmate,

we would have been good.

it’s nearly impossible to say goodbye. how? when you are convinced from the bottom of your heart that you met your soulmate, and you still weren’t meant to be.

but you know, if circumstances somewhere would have been a little bit different here or there

and it actually might have worked out

if other circumstances were around.

well then I believe we would have become an awesome versions of ourselves. both.

maybe not the same versions we are now, but another one that would have felt good, that would have made us grow in another way, healthy way and made us feel alive in a different way, then what keeps us alive right now.

and it’s okay.

it’s okay for us being exactly who we are and what we choose to do and to live with the consequences of our actions and choices

and it just wasn’t possible the way I might have wanted it. and I might have not. a “happy ending” is not always as we expect or wish it to be.

and that’s really just it.

we would have been good still. so good. awesome people, helping each other grow and becoming the best versions of ourselves. I know we would have helped each other grow in a healthy and loving way. giving each other the freedom to be who we need to be in oder to feel about ourselves just as we want to feel. just giving each other the space to unfold our full potential. and it’s so hard to let that go, if you ever see that potential. if you ever felt that way.

but maybe one can say we weren’t supposed to be.

but maybe it was just a choice made or not made.

and that’s all there is,

a choice made or not.

life happens no matter if you make your own decisions or not.

so better try to choose it, right?

and sometimes we wish we choose differently,

just to get a glimpse, and idea of how else it could have been,

because all we have left in the end are the consequences of our or others choices that have been made.

so yeah probably not all (of your choices) are gonna be good but maybe you were able to find your inner peace with most of the consequences. maybe you found your peace in it all and if you can’t get there yet, maybe you can try

and that’s all you can to.

think about it.

so yes I say goodbye now,

weither it was not meant to be or

if it just is what it is.

that’s life, it flows on,

it finds its way.

maybe we are not always 100% in control, as we can change some outcome, we can’t change it all,

so we flow in the ocean of unchangeable things and weirdly they are holding us all together,

these things that seem not meant to be.

that’s how you are able to say goodbye to a soulmate. A soulmate. not THE.

that’s okay, things are done and it’s time to let go go, it’s time to flow.

let it go. let it go. let it go,

so you can flow.

[missmitakarcloud]

I wish I experienced that with you.

like Rachel and Ross at the End of season 2,

but I guess there was just not enough time, not enough space between.

I guess I should have stayed

I guess I should have stayed a bit longer.

I guess I should have taken the risk,

just to hold you in my arms a bit longer

so I could remember now how it felt.

Never should have left your side, but pardon me? where were you? when I needed you the most?

So I guess I know now, what I need.

they call it closure

they call it closure

It’s what I need.

can’t feel these feelings anymore,

can I have my pride back?

can’t stay stuck in a situation I was not chosen to be part off anymore

can’t hold on to what I felt,

even though it was the first time feeling this,

feeling this loved.

Guess I just don’t deserve it.

that’s what I would have told myself,

if I was a little younger,

but now I know I deserve this,

even better though, I deserve this:

someone who chooses me over everything,

someone who tries forever and more,

because they want me so deeply,

they will try to make it work,

whatever the price is.

because I never felt this.

but I guess I’m just exchangeable for you,

people are people and there are so many beautiful souls out there.

I just guessed since I felt like I’ve just been looking for you my whole life,

all events, everything finally made sense,

and I thought that’s what everyone talks about.

It‘ll all make sense once you meet that special someone.

and for me it did. that’s what happened when I met you.

everything made sense, had sense, was of sense

and it was clear to me, I finally found you.

you you you are all I need. because I finally love myself enough to accept the love so similar to mine. what I deserve, I thought.

and how do you dare to crush these feelings that you gave me, like it was nothing,

throwing it away for the next best thing,

letting it feel like nothing,

when it was everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

that’s the core of my sorrow, but surly seems dramatic, but it’s my reality,

what can I do ?

it feels so good to finally be honest with you.

that I love you from the bottom of my heart and I felt this way right from the start.

never thought I could feel this way but finally it was true, the love they talk about and everything was finally there, it was you.

form the first time I heard your voice, it just felt natural talking to you,

making jokes with you and your laugh, oh how can i ever forget your laugh. my heart beats higher, what can I do?

I’m still head over heels in love with you.

I would have moved the mountains, I would have moved to the foreign lands, anything just to be with you. my finally you.

but how could I be so mistaken and feel that way about you, while all you do is looking at the next one that would make sense to you.

not fully here, still there and somewhere else. never present in the moment? always in-between.

It’s for sure the opposite of how I feel.

so how is this possible to be suddenly so wrong, when all my life I thought I know people so well,

maybe that was my only fault.

now it all makes sense, that’s all it needs,

to finally find closure to finally move on.

I am enough and you were not for me, not enough love and spirit from you, so it wasn’t supposed to be

after all.

no matter what I thought, no matter what I hoped. but in the end it brings me to where I wanna be and that’s the present moment. that is me.

so in all that, I had to find me and it finally makes sense, once we start to accept to be happy where we are, we stop wishing to be in the past. we stop and let go.

and when that happens, we finally get closure, we finally are free.

I can’t ask you to do all that for me. set me free why won’t you babe, get out of my life why won’t you babe.

but you let me, you let me know right from the go, so why am I still holding on to what never was or will be, if it lead me to where I should be, gets mo?

[missmitakarcloud]

I always said, if there is one thing I want to know about my future it’s the place I will feel the happiest, so I could go there right away.

what I wasn’t aware of is that it’s not a place you can just go to.

it’s a state of mind. it’s an occurrence of a number of occasions, situations and experiences that lead you to where you wanna go ~ where you need to be.

because where I feel happiest, is where I feel at peace.

but it’s not a specific place that I can just go to.

it’s in my mind. it’s my peace of mind.

no matter where I am or where I go, there can’t be peace, if it doesn’t come from inside of me.

no place, no person can bring me peace, but myself.

and the occurrence of a lot of circumstances ~ it’s not linked to one particular place or event, it’s linked to a bunch of different events all happening at once. if everything just falls into place; peace of mind comes automatically. or is it the other way round?

[missmitakarcloud]

dis~connect & consequences

we are so connected always ~

it’s not easy anymore or it never has been - to find good real life connections.

but if you find them on your best days you will want to keep them and working really hard and putting so much energy in them,

because they are important to you -

and sometimes you get good connections but the other side isn’t working as hard to keep that connection up,

that’s how you know they are either not interested or they have too many connections already.

because that’s the thing,

it’s good to find good connections anywhere,

but if we get too addicted to it,

it’s hard finding out whom to give our energy to.

it’s limited, it should be saved for the most important ones.

and sometimes these change and sometimes that’s just life.

but it’s always a choice we make - we decide who we make a priority in our life’s.

that’s how you know you find your true tribe -

if they make the same effort keeping you in their lifes as well~

balance that’s the key word, always ~ even with connections.

it’s important to think about what’s important to you and who.

and then you choose and you live with the consequences of your choices.

[missmitakarcloud]

reality check.

I don’t know if you have any idea ~ how I feel about you,

even though you might not be perfect or far from what i’d like to expect- you’re still what and who I’d choose ~

if I knew you’d choose me too.

or maybe it just works, because I feel like you don’t want me badly, I really don’t know.

but I don’t think this book is over.

maybe this chapter,

but I see myself getting lost in fantasies and dreams and

yeah I’ve always been a dreamer and maybe that’s what I need,

that’s what you’re giving me now, new dreams to dream about.

the question is, where would I be happy ~ like finally ?

or is that approach just wrong ? there is no happy state to achieve ~ it’s never ending. not even when it’s good. there is no real happily ever after ~ it’s moving constantly and I just have to learn to deal with it

and decide what I want to do and then push through with it

and if I am unhappy ~ look for the source and solve the real issue, the real problem instead of running away and hoping by chasing a new dream,

I will find what I am looking for.

The thing is, that I don’t even know what I am looking for; but since nothing seems to make me fully happy ~ I think I just have to accept how things are and make the most out of what I have and the circumstances that are given -

and that’s true happiness.

accepting and working with what you have.

that’s why arranged marriages work,

that’s why we work better without getting lost in dreams and hopes of what could be.

this mindset can feed creativity as much as is can feed unhappiness ~

you can have anything you imagine ? anything you can dream can become true ?

maybe ~ just, you know - don’t get lost.

I’m not telling anyone to stop dreaming, I love it myself. All I’m saying, don’t miss out on what you already have.

I know this is what they always say, but maybe that’s just true.

So what I’m trying to do now is: keep on dreaming my dreams and being happy, getting lost in them every now and then,

but return back home and still see the beauty here. appreciating what I have ~ making the most out of the circumstances and if there is a chance, I’d take it.

and so life goes on and on ~

what will you make out of yours ?

[missmitakarcloud]

You been working from sun up to sun down

And never quite get it right

And never quite get it right

Baby this time will be different

Ain't that what they always say?

[missmitakarcloud]

no promise

one thing though :

I know I will see you again.

not even a question;

but no promise either.

[missmitakarcloud]

I need hope or what some would call - positive drama.

I need someone to give me hope, passion and inspiration-

someone who believes in me

and makes me dream and want to create

- I create from dreams.

- and hope

- and love

I need someone who inspires me to dream 
and to do whatever my passion lies in,

who believes and encourages me - no matter what.

who will always be there, when I need them most

and who knows I will always be there too.

someone who catches my eyes, my interest, my humour - who sees me for who I am
and encourages me to grow and dream big and dare greatly.

I need some kind of drama to be creative - most of all I love positive drama -

it is what is is ~ yeah but there will always be potential.