Primum Non Nocere

Space. Disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence. These are the voyages of the damned tin can. Its five year mission? To explore strange new ways of almost dying. To seek out new life and new ways to give me ulcers. To boldly throw up on you...

[s-leary]

[homunculus-argument]

Some situations in life are like when a cat chases a bear up a tree. Logically, you know that a bear could kill the cat with one blow with no effort at all. But a bear has no concept of how cats work. To a bear, everything that's made out of meat will fight back before becoming prey, once escaping this fate is no longer an option, but nothing that could flee would choose not to, and attack the bear first. As far as a bear is concerned, there is nothing out there that would attack a bear without an absolute confidence that it could kill a bear. If something hits you first, you fucking run.

And cats have no concept of how anything works. As far as a cat is concerned, if there's something in your face that you don't want in your face, you just fucking smack it. And if something starts fleeing from you, you chase it.

Sometimes in life there are situations where there only seems to be one logical outcome, the common sense one that seems foregone conclusion. But it only looks like that because you have a clear and realistic view of the big picture. Then the only logical conclusion doesn't happen, because nobody actually involved in the situation has a realistic understanding of what's going on.

[c3rvida3]

I was a professional juggler for like five years and all of my friends politely pretend it never happened.

[c3rvida3]

Sometimes I will be holding three or more similarly sized objects and they will all shoot me the kind of warning glances typically reserved for cats who are about to swipe a fresh and crispy fish stick from a small child’s hand.

[c3rvida3]

I gaze wistfully at a basket of apples and they all think, “Don’t you FUCKING dare,” so hard that I take psychic damage.

[unclefather]

[keeperofseeds]

[allerod]

[recuperationdisliker]

what the fuck is going on with this post

[betadunsparce]

this post is blocking the next post from having access to the tumblr blue sea

[piteousgate]

hey everyone i’m swimming lol

[pancakeke]

for mobile users

[classic-jorts]

has any cryptid ever been bullied harder than goatman. shane and ryan stole his bridge, ruined his reputation, and he didn't even get a shout out on their top 5 beatdown ep devoted to cryptids. lmao

[txttletale]

THE FRENCH????????????????????

[insomniac-arrest]

People with French. People experiencing France. People with France illnesses.

[inhumansandwiches]

[maangoes]

ghostbat

[average-smoothie-enjoyer]

My favorite “humans are space orcs” idea is that trope where aliens kidnap some humans for their zoo, except it ends up like Jurassic Park. And the poor Alien Humanologists who were invited to the park are like:

“You mean you locked up a pack of curious, highly competitive persistence predators with NO enrichment in the enclosure? You FOOLS! If you had bothered to throw a basketball or half a box of Legos in there, KE-X9 would still be alive!

“Well of course they climbed the retaining wall! Did you think to study their evolutionary lineage AT ALL?”

[what-even-is-thiss]

The humans would find a way to use the basketball and legos to escape. I mean one time a guy somehow escaped from a prison in Mexico without breaking any laws so his escape would be legal so honestly given enough time the Jurassic park situation is inevitable.

[elidyce]

Jurassic Park would be awesome, but now that I think about it I also kind of love love the idea of humans as the alien zoo equivalent of those octopuses that climb out of their tanks and wander around taste-testing other exhibits or throwing sub-par shrimp at handlers. 

Like they’re totally unable to figure out what’s happening because the cameras keep going out, but every night things get moved, or stolen, exhibits are disappearing, WHAT IS GOING ON, they’ve moved facilities twice and it’s still happening, are they haunted, are the ancestors angry, WHAT IS HAPPENING!?

And then a weary humanologist is all ‘… your humans are getting out’. 

“That is impossible.” 

“They’re getting out.” 

“That enclosure is COMPLETELY SECURE.” 

“And yet somehow they’re getting out.” 

“THE HUMANS ARE NOT GETTING OUT.” 

“Oh yeah? I bet you twenty glarks they’re getting out. Stay after closing time with me and I’ll show you.” 

*next day*

“… the humans were getting out.” 

“… why did they keep going back in, then?!”

(In a deeply embarrassed mumble) “They said they weren’t going to escape until they finished their behavioural experiments. Uh. On us.”

[snorlaxatives]

no offense to people named aaron but who the fuck decided two a’s were necessary??? now i can’t converse with someone named aaron without calling them a-aron

[unculture]

not to be That Bitch but it’s another example of an anglicized disaster of a name from biblical hebrew, which was aharon and imo infinitely more badass than aaron others in this cursed category: elisheva (elizabeth), yirmiyahu (jeremy), mikha-el (michael), matisyahu (matthew), shoshana (susanna)

[snorlaxatives]

you really are that bitch huh i feel educated as fuck right now

[ground-zoro]

arán is Irish for bread :) 

[hilariously--tragic]

Two types of people

[runby2]

in recent events of that zoo losing the clouded leopard, it reminded me of the time i went to a large petting zoo and there was a free roaming little black sheep. cutest little guy i ever saw, soi went to the zookeeper nearby and said ‘i think its really cute how you have a sheep thats allowed to just walk around. ‘ then the zookeepers eyes widened and he grabbed his walky talky and ran 

[saxophonechihuahua]

[triskeleaficionado]

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

I can’t wait until my sense of taste is back. This cup of tea tastes like hot water. :(

[wielderofscythes]

Don’t worry, that’s normal for tea.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

#girl all your post have ‘tumblr heritage post’ vibes like there’s so much 

Tags that make me indecisive about whether I should be flattered or horribly offended

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

My senses have returned and tea tastes normal again.

[zwoelffarben]

So, like hot water then?

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

[egberts]

Text: PSA to anyone with a tree nut allergy who frequents starbucks. We have a new drink called the pistachio cold foam cold brew and our pistachio sauce not only has real pistachio in it, the syrup sticks inside the blender and will 100% not fully wash off with the rinsers we use (its just water). I highly suggest if you want a cold foam drink during Jan-March you request it done in a sanitized blender to lower the chance of having a reaction if you are at risk.

[merps]

Some baristas are also suggesting holding off on frapps as well (reddit thread)

Also highlighting one comment:

We do use almond milk, and people can request an almond milk cold foam, so if someone has a bad nut allergy, they should be requesting sanitized smallwares, no matter what they are ordering, any time of the year.

[pencilscratchins]

i cant wait for the number one and spock friendship. its everything ive ever wanted

[motherfucker-unlimited]

[albertcamusofficial]

[incorrect-trekquotes]

bones: request for you to not be a bitch

spock: request denied