spencer byron nicholls.

[keepcalmandcarriefischer]

The spy chasing me throws a tracking device at my car. The throw is perfectly timed and the small, round device hits the bumper perfectly flush. However, since the tracker is magnetic and my shitty car is plastic, it bounces off

[keepcalmandcarriefischer]

The spy is following me as I walk down the street. I bob in and out of shops. Pause and accelerate my pace randomly. Stop to tie my shoe so he loses sight of me. I stay perfectly out of his reach. This is all due to being sleep deprived, confused, hungry, and lost

[keepcalmandcarriefischer]

The spy freezes my bank account. I do not notice for three weeks and only because Netflix sends me an email about non-payment

[keepcalmandcarriefischer]

The spy chasing me does a stakeout at my house. After 4 days of trying to match my sleeping pattern he has to call HQ for backup

[hubwalker1]

What did you do that requires a spy to follow you so thoroughly?

[keepcalmandcarriefischer]

Honestly I have no idea. My best guess is that it's a misunderstanding

[queen-mayhem]

protestants: god is not an absent father! talk to god like a friend! god is always with you! bring your problems to god, no matter how small! it’s not at all weird to call god “daddy!”

catholics: god is far too important to give a fuck about your lost keys or your algebra exam. please address your petty concerns to one of god’s ten thousand holy secretaries. if it’s really important, consider asking his mom.

[arsondotpng]

catholics can’t get in touch with god because he’s always on the phone with a protestant

[theycantalk]

happy halloween

[coolfeistyowl]

[breakingnewsin-no-oneasked-deac]

Mrs. Pots snapped

[queenstravelingdarling]

Mrs. Pots sick of the shit!!!

[clear-page-deactivated20201125]

“Listen Karen I don’t care.” love it

[lizclimo]

[catchymemes]

[rosetintmyworld84]

[kingscrown666]

This was better than I imagined

[gerrycanavan]

 I’m afraid of Americans

[lindsayribar]

This is super real.

[justgot1]

Completely accurate.

[next-time-you-invite-pam]

@pre-successful America exposed. 

[themightyglamazon]

It’s hilarious watching non-Americans react to this with fear because I read it just nodding along like “yes, in fact this is How Things Are, there you go”

[sexycraisinthanos]

If you ask an American how they are and they respond “Super.” that means they want to die

[themightyglamazon]

ACCURATE

[nyanbinyuri]

If they say they’re peachy it means they’re tired of existence

[drneverland]

If they say “Living the dream,” it means “please kill me, I hate my job so, so much.”

[accordingtomyresearch]

also “that’s a great question” means “I have no freaking idea”

[aampharros]

if asked “how are things going?” and they reply “its going” it means theyre in the middle of a mental breakdown

[harvestspriteirl]

In America if you ask “How are you this morning?” and you get “Still upright” that means “God hasn’t found a way to kill me yet” and I think that’s beautiful

[eeriefeelingsat3amuwu]

Whoa, are you guys like, Okay? I’m not, but at least I say it clearly. You guys are weird, but in a kinda good way lol

[exhaustedarts]

Dont @ us. We’ve just been trained by the school people that we’re worthless but if we explicitly say it we get sent to the principles office, so we developed a code and it just stuck. I think thats how it happened anyway…

[yetizeus]

ok but if an american ever says they are “peachy” or adds an emoji not a word as an emotion, it means they are on their way to the graveyard right now to throw themself in the nearest open grave

[midiport]

i know vitamin c basically neutralizes adhd meds but lemonade good

[midiport]

yea lol

ADHD Medication information sheet

[strawbebbynya]

[britnxyspears]

So pretty much everything most poor and busy people eat… lol this is why it’s important that they judge how effective drugs are in lifestyles behind suburban people and people in institutions with no control over their life.

[nichollsspencer]

I have had ADD my whole life, and been on meds for most of it. This is the FIRST TIME I’ve ever heard about this.

[arktikosokeanos]

guys i found azula on tiktok

[typhlonectes]

[sufficientlylargen]

Every time I see a post about updog I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help the poster complete their joke.

[tommyeatseaton-blog]

okay but what’s updog ?

[jaiwithanadult]

Updog is a long sausage in a bun often served with ketchup, mustard, onion e, and/or relish.

[yumantimatter]

No, that’s a hotdog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released

[defectivealtruist]

You’re thinking of update. Updog is when you end a sentence with a rising intonation.

[ghostpalmtechnique]

No, that’s uptalk.  You’re thinking of the fourth-largest city in Sweden.

[argumate]

surely that’s Uppsala, whereas Updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.

[regexkind]

That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs

[another-normal-anomaly]

You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.

[yieldsfalsehoodwhenquined]

no that’s an updraft

updog isn’t a noun at all, it’s a verb; it basically means to chew someone out, or harshly lecture them

[identicaltomyself]

No, that’s upbraid. An updog is a small dog that likes cuddling on people’s laps.

[speakertoyesterday]

No that’s a puppydog. An updog is when the Mets win.

[mistbornthefinal]

No that’s an upset. An updog is the modern version of a henway.

[yumantimatter]

What’s a henway?

[eversolewd-deactivated20250517]

Oh, about 5 pounds.

[humphreybogie]

Not to screenshot my own tweets on main but yall need to see this too.

Bonus:

[visualvexation]

[visualvexation]

[existenceisanillusion]

Life’s too short not to eat devastating, irrational amounts of cheese.

[omghotmemes]

Poor Dan

[damianwaynerocks]

ok but if bruce wayne somehow came upon zuko fresh out of banishment he would lose his mind.

black hair? check. bad parent(s)? check. trauma? double check.

bruce: how’d you get your scar?

zuko: my dad got mad at me for saying that killing people is wrong so he lit my face on fire and banished me.

bruce, vibrating with excitement, already pulling adoption papers from his utilility: that’s terrible. how do you feel about capes.

[explorerrowan]

Zuko: Do you mind if I wear this blue demon mask?

Bruce: *sniff, tear in his eye* Not at all.

[kitt-the-werefox]

*Zuko fighting the Joker*

J: "wan na kno w h ow i go t thes e sc ar s"

Z: *rips off mask* i don't give a fuck

[fefeman]

I’m still stuck at the “batman has adoption papers in his utility belt”.

“Quick, it’s time to use the Bat-adoption papers!”

[silverscreenx]

Bat-option papers

[phantoms-lair]

Okay, but you’re missing the best part of this.

Alfred and Iroh complimenting each other on tea while they discuss their overly dramatic children.

[damianwaynerocks]

iroh: once, i told zuko that he needs to work on his inter turmoil. he screamed at me that he had no such inner turmoil, and then proceeded to go to a cliff during a thunderstorm to scream at God to strike him with lightning

alfred: master bruce and i have that interaction at least three times per week.

[coffeebuddha]

@absentlyabbie​

[animate-mush]

I see your "Alfred and Iroh as tea bros" and raise you "Alfred and Iroh as tea rivals"

Consider

Iroh: you too must learn patience. Boiling the water ruins the delicate flavor of the white jade

Alfred: oh I'm dreadfully sorry - for some reason I expected this tea to have TEA in it

(later)

Alfred: *aggressively laying out full tea service with milk, lemon, sugar, and, just to drive his point in, jam*

Iroh: *dying inside*

[damianwaynerocks]

excellent addition

[whetstonefires]

hey bruce spent a lot of his bat-study abroad in the far east and has kind of a weeb weapon collection so proposal, what if Bruce appreciates Iroh’s tea

while Zuko is enthusiastic about cream and sugar

further fueling their dad-figures’ passive-aggressive rivalry?

[princesscolumbia]

You had me at Zuko vs. Joker, I was crying by the Eastern vs. Western tea service

[supreme-leader-stoat]

Wait a minute. Batman and Zuko have the same arch-nemesis.

Mark Hamill