Last song: Bad Moon Rising - Creedence Clearwater Revival
Currently watching: Um, the current season of Taskmaster Australia is pretty good. And John Wolfe has been playing the Rusty Lake games, and Iāve really been enjoying that.
Current obsession: I guess the bad friend Hayden Pike tag for Heated Rivalry. Itās not that I donāt like Hayden, it just makes for such crunchy emotions!
Currently reading: Honestly, just Heated Rivalry fic. I canāt help it. Itās a problem.
Currently working on: Fuck all. There are things Iād like to get done. Things I need to get going on. But yeah. Zero gumption.
Last search: Midamerican Energy. My power went out. (Itās back)
Currently wearing: Dark wash skinny jeans, a black tee with a rib cage and orange anatomical heart, and a light weight black hoodie.
Favorite flower: Hmmm probably lilacs. But I really like anything thatās clusters of little flowers.
I don't think I've ever done this many recs that I am losing my mind about in as short of a time as I've been doing with HEATED RIVALRY--I think I'm closing in on a thousand fics in around half a year! And not even super iddy ones that I love but definitely are to a certain taste! No, I'm constantly reading top tier quality fic as fast as I can and I still have enough saved on my ereader that I'm pretty sure I could keep up this same face for another entire year, with the same insane level of quality, without even touching AO3 to pile on more. So, here, enjoy more feelings and porn, because fuck if this fandom isn't still giving me the time of my goddamned LIFE.
HEATED RIVALRY - NO I WONāT BE CHILL ABOUT THE GAY HOCKEY PLAYERS SHOW:
Hollanov's Guide to Major League Hockey by DistantStorm, ilya/shane & david/yuna & farah & centaurs & cast, 41.6k
Ā Ā Ā On the morning of July 1, 2019, with Shane Hollander set to test free agency, the Montreal Metros and their fanbase aren't worried. It's well documented that Shane Hollander has always held out for the best deal, and being a free agent is his leverage. Everyone knows that heāll sign another deal with the Metros. But maybe everyone is wrong. (Alternatively: the one where Shane Hollander finds out ahead of schedule that Ilya Rozanov is lonely.)
the coast is not clear by WriteThroughTheNight, ilya/shane, nsfw, 8.2k
Ā Ā Ā āMy flight is early tomorrow,ā Rozanov says. He bites his lip. Shaneās eyes stick there too. āYou look in hallway, yes?ā Shane sticks his head out. The hallway is empty. Would it hurt? To go another round? Rozanov has to fly out early anyway, itās hardly like theyāll be spending time befriending each other. What is one night, when theyāve already crossed the line with eyes wide open? āShit,ā he says. āThereās a couple at the end of the hallway, arguing, you know? You better wait until they leave.ā OR Shane lies, that first night, to keep Rozanov to himself a little longer. The changes spiral out from there.
hit or miss by PenAndInkPrincess, ilya/shane & cast, NSFW, 57.4k wip
Ā Ā Ā If anyone can tell him if the long list of āProhibited Itemsā heād been sent in his email a few days ago is just standard practice for big shoots, it would be Yuna Hollander. Or, hopefully, her son. āCrazy we cannot even have peanut butter, eh?ā He asks. āYou also got giant list?ā Hollander stiffens, almost imperceptibly, and Ilya tilts his head, just slightly, confused, wondering if heās stumbled somewhere unexpected. (how ilya learns about shane's allergies)
Shipping up in Boston by angel_deux, ilya/shane & cliff & svetlana, nsfw, 33.7k
Ā Ā Ā Shane is traded to Boston during the hookup era, and his attempts to act normal and professional around Rozanov are a little too successful: fans start shipping him with Marleau, instead.
scott hunter's worst nightmare by goldengalaxies, ilya/shane & scott/kip, 3.1k
Ā Ā Ā "Jesus fucking Christ, kid." Scott huffed a laugh. "You're a piece of work, you know that?" "Ah, but I am funny." Rozanov shrugged, sipping his vodka. "And hot." He winked at Kip. Kip's jaw flew open and Scott immediately pulled his boyfriend closer to him. So what if Ilya Rozanov was 100% straight and definitely trying to fuck with him? Scott still wasn't going to just stand there while fucking Rozanov flirted with his boyfriend.
The lights are too fucking bright right now by robbinscinquefoil, ilya/shane & david/yuna & cliff, 41k
Ā Ā Ā Shane Hollander is carted off the ice after getting hit by Cliff Marlow. An exhausted and still-grieving Ilya Rozanov spirals, makes some stupid choices, and accidentally finds himself hanging out with his situationshipās parents.
sunday morning (scott hunter is crying) by jujubun, ilya/shane, 6.6k
Ā Ā Ā āYouāre the worst,ā Shane informs him, after they finally hang up. āFirst, you cheat on me. Four times! Then, you tried to blackmail a senior citizen. And then, you cast me aside for a dog?ā He swings his leg over Ilyaās hip until theyāre pulled flush together, Shane straddling his lap. āI want a divorce,ā he declares huffily.
california dreaming by disastermovie, ilya/shane & david/yuna, NSFW, 11.8k
Ā Ā Ā Ilya and Shane are thirty-five, married, and living their best happily ever afterāuntil the plane they're in falls out of the sky and they wake up back in 2009. Of course they fuck about it.
the jane box by angel_deux, ilya/shane & svetlana & cliff, nsfw, 10.3k
Ā Ā Ā When Ilya is concussed during a game, he experiences a weird gap in his memories. He has completely forgotten two people he should apparently know: his longtime rival Shane Hollander, and a regular hookup named Jane.
#DontYouDareFuckingFreeMe by Airuna, ilya/shane & cliff & david/yuna & leclaire & cast, 24.6k
Ā Ā Ā āWe do not say anything about the Hollander situation,ā LeClaire tells them even though it sounds like heās already resigned to what he knows is going to happen. āOf course,ā Cliff agrees for both of them since Roz is still too busy texting someone. Itās apparently not good enough for LeClaire because he asks, āRoz?ā āJust one second,ā he answers without raising his eyes from his phone or stopping his typing. āNeed to get my Jane to agree with something. Sheās very stubborn.ā
high on hockey by goldengalaxies, ilya/shane & hayden & j.j. & wyatt & scott, 4.4k
Ā Ā Ā Ilya Rozanov: I do not understand why you are being like this but you look very pretty when you are annoyed so I do not mind. Shane Hollander: [awkwardly] Ohā¦ um. Thanks, I guess, Rozanov. Ilya Rozanov: Is true. You are so beautiful. I cannot believe you exist. So pretty. And I get to have you and love you and be your boyfriend- [Shane slams his hand over Ilyaās mouth, his expression panicked.] Shane Hollander: This interview is over! Cut the cameras, now! (the players at all-stars 2018 eat spiked brownies. cue a chaos + a hollanov reveal)
Shots Fired by boopboop, ilya/shane, nsfw, 2.2k
Ā Ā Ā 'The league loves nothing more than putting these two kids in each other's faces.' Or, the one time Shane tries to be funny and spends the next half-decade suffering (enjoying) the consequences.
I'm a Tidal Wave by PastyPirate, ilya/shane & troy/harris & bood, nsfw, 4.4k
Ā Ā Ā Shane has indulged, maybe a bit too much, in his love of how good they are at hockey. Ilya does the opposite of complaining.
a pigsty built for two by Anonymous, ilya/shane & david/yuna & svetlana & cast, NSFW, 9.8k
Ā Ā Ā Shane and Ilya get rid of their housekeepers as part of their plan to keep their relationship secret. Ilya discovers that keeping a house clean is easier said than done.
Operation Get Roz a SAP by dntat, ilya/shane & centaurs, 9.7k
Ā Ā Ā The Centaurs know that Roz is sad, and probably a little lonely. So they do their best to set him up with someone who matches his specific list of requirements. What they don't know is that their captain has already found that person.
baby, you can drive my car by mildred123, ilya/shane, nsfw, 16.6k
Ā Ā Ā or, five times ilya makes shane feel less like a passenger princess and more like a passenger prisoner + one time ilya lets shane take the driverās seat
rash decisions by UglyGreenJacket, ilya/shane & centaurs, 2.3k
Ā Ā Ā āHollander, what the fuck is that on your face?ā Zane Boodram asks in the locker room while theyāre changing for game five of the first round of playoffs. ___ Or Shane has a mysterious rash, and his teammates are very concerned.
serpentine by PenAndInkPrincess, ilya/shane & cast, 9.1k
Ā Ā Ā āAh.ā āāAhā,ā Ilya repeats, giving him a look before he looks back to the tidily stacked frozen mouse packages in the freezer and makes a face as a little badly-hidden shudder moves through him. āWhy the fuck do you have mice in your freezer, Shane? You are doing serial killer shit now? This is why you have cottage in the middle of nowhere? For serial killer things?ā āItās for Spaghetti,ā Shane says. Ilya gives him an absolutely horrified look at that and turns a little green, which makes him remember that Spaghetti isnāt just his snake's name. āNot food!ā He rushes to explain. āNot food spaghetti! Snake Spaghetti!ā
Now You Can Start by deliciousblizzardshark, ilya/shane & svetlana & j.j. & voyageurs, 14.8k
Ā Ā Ā The problem was that everyone who played for Boston, except for Ilya, was like a million years old and had forgotten what fun was, if theyād ever known. They were all, like, married with kids and their idea of a good time was a barbecue where they drank a few flat weak-ass beers and or went golfing. Ilya just wanted to have fun, okay? He just wanted to live. or Ilya gets traded to Montreal. Everything goes better than expected.
Throat Curtain? by Z1r1al, ilya/shane & troy/harris & rose/svetlana & centaurs & oc/miles, NSFW, 40.9k wip
Ā Ā Ā A missing tooth. A standard hockey emergency. When a brutal elbow leaves Shane Hollander spitting blood on the ice, he lands immediately in the hands of the opposing team's dentist. Shane thinks the dentist saw a cavity. The dentist knows he saw a secret.
Select All by Regolith (metonym), ilya/shane, NSFW, 47k
Ā Ā Ā Or: When never-hooked-up Shane and Ilya have to collaborate on a league charity project, Shane accidentally sends Ilya a nude.
MORE RECS UNDER THE CUT because further yelling about the gay hockey show will be spared from your dashes. Just not on my dignity.
The Great Divide by broccolicheddarchicken, ilya/shane & david/yuna, nsfw, suicidal ideation/themes, 16k
Ā Ā Ā The Boxing Day argument doesn't happen, Ilya doesn't seek professional help, and he and Shane keep pretending everything's fine. In the last few weeks of the season, Ilya reaches a breaking point. After saving his boyfriend's life, Shane is forced to grapple with the broken pieces, figure out what went wrong, and try to slot everything back together again.
36 Questions That Lead to Love by UglyGreenJacket, ilya/shane & harris, 5.7k
Ā Ā Ā Shane: So, what is this weāre doing again? Harris: Itās called 36 Questions That Lead to Love. Theyāre questions that a psychologist developed back in the nineties that are supposed to help couples move past the awkward stage and get more personal. Itāll be fun! Shane: You always say that itāll be fun, and I donāt think it ever ends up being much fun.
been careless with a delicate man by splatticus, ilya/shane, NSFW, 6.7k
Ā Ā Ā What was it about that night that made Shane flinch that way, like Ilya has brushed against a splinter under his skin that he didn't know he was carrying? A decade later, Ilya re-litigates Vegas.
#whorelore by prailock, ilya/shane & cliff & bears, 3.4k
Ā Ā Ā Well over a decade after retirement the public knows Ilya as the picture perfect devoted husband and father. When he's announced as a presenter and commentator for the Olympics as hosted by Toronto one online joke reminds the general public how fucking insane he used to be. Everyone under 35 struggles to square the Ilya Rozanov-Hollander they know today with Ilya Rozanov of the 2010s, fuckboy supreme.
take my hand and drag me head first (fearless) by trustingno1, ilya/shane & cast, 2k
Ā Ā Ā "Rozanov told me to thank every goal tender I scored on," Shane says, wryly, to laughter, "So I will not be doing that. "I do not take this for granted. Thank you to the rest of my line," there's a smattering of applause, a cheer from the Metros' table; he can't prove it, but he suspects it's Ilya booing. "I very literally could not have done this without you. "I would like to thank my partner," he adds, shakily, "for their support." He glances up, not towards Ottawa's table. "Thank you for always pushing me to do better." There's some scattered applause, perfunctory. This is the bail out point. He can lift the trophy with one more "thank you", a "hopefully see you again next year", or he can-
no such thing as bad timing (as long as you're here) by treescape, ilya/shane, NSFW, omegaverse, 1k
Ā Ā Ā Ilya backs him into a conference room and slams the door shut just in time. "Fuck," Shane breathes, his voice already sounding hoarse. "I didn't thinkā" He clenches his hands, unclenches them, shakes them outāas if somehow he can shake off the heat building beneath his skin. Obviously it doesn't work. He tips his head back against the closed door, and that doesn't work either. All it does is expose the line of his throat, and something in him wants to whimper for Ilya to bite him.
risk assessment by anincompletelist (soldouthaz), ilya/shane, NSFW, 6.6k
Ā Ā Ā āWe usually fuck after games!" Ilya defends. "We are off schedule. My body knows this. It is confused.ā āYeah, well, weāre not getting any closer to fuckingāat homeāunless you get the damn ointment on me. Fuckingāshit, Ilya.ā His entire face scrunches up when Ilya, now kneeling on the floor in front of him, slightly readjusts his leg for a better angle.
Google Translate by Hayley Mercury (SnarledCello), ilya/shane & david/yuna, 3.7k
Ā Ā Ā Ilya and Shane both go down on the ice in season 5. In the hospital David uses google translate to try and better communicate with Rozanov, and learns a bit more than he intends. Or Relationship reveal VIA Google Translate and helpful David Hollander.
Map Contact by Regolith (metonym), ilya/shane, NSFW, 78.5k wip
Ā Ā Ā Ilya Rozanov, celebrated hockey star, gets perilously lost in the wilderness. Shane Hollander, wilderness expert and #1 Rozanov hater, finds him. They're stuck in the woods. Completely alone. Together.
Thank you for pasta and phone calls by TheLoonlyProfessor, ilya/shane & yuna, 2.2k
Ā Ā Ā The day after the Outing Pasta Dinner, Ilya gets a phone call from Yuna. It does not go as either of them expected
To Catch a Hollander by ilokheimsins, ilya/shane & bears, 4.4k
Ā Ā Ā After two months of being on Rozanov watch post him being dumped by Montreal Jane, the Raiders all breathe a sigh of relief when their captain goes back to his usual happy self after All-Stars. Cliff, Victor, and Connor notice that the timing of Ilyaās good mood coincides strangely well with the speculation (read: open secret) that Hollander and Rozanov definitely banged it out sometime during that weekend and after some theorizing, theyāre pretty sure their captain has had a years long crush on Hollander and that his happiness hinges on making his giant crush on Shane Hollander come to fruition. Of course, as his friends, they need to help him to the best of their abilities.
Mr. Real Estate by dottiedoesotherfandoms (dottie_wan_kenobi), ilya/shane & ocs, 15.6k wip
Ā Ā Ā Itās Ilya who brings it up. Heās in his kitchen, making himself some kind of soup that Shane is already searching for recipes ofāitās called rassolnik. Leaning with one hip against the counter, he asks, āWhat about your sex dungeon?ā āI donāt have a sex dungeon,ā Shane says, both grossed out and intrigued by the idea. āThe apartment, moya lyubov,ā Ilya replies, fondness sheathed in annoyance. He slurps loudly, laughing when Shane makes a face at him over their video call. āWhat will you do with the apartment?ā āSell it, maybe.ā -- Or, Shane doesn't sell the secret-sex-apartment building. He starts renting it out, and somehow ends up with a gaggle of Russian tenants-turned-friends, several stray cats, and one very spoiled hamster.
HOLLANDER & ROZANOV ARE DEAD by eurydicees, ilya/shane & scott, 13.2k
Ā Ā Ā It is December, and Scott has been out for long enough to pretend to be used to it, and things are not perfect but theyāre fucking good, and Ilya Rozanov is at his apartment for dinnerāhas been for over an hourāand heās still waiting so stupidly hopefully to introduce a boyfriend who very, very clearly isnāt coming. (Or: studies on coming out, learning patience, one-sided conversations, and other absurdist waiting games.)
on photoshoots and inconvenient erections by UglyGreenJacket, ilya/shane & centaurs, nsfw, 3.4k
Ā Ā Ā āStorytime!ā Ilya says in a sing-songy voice. Thereās clapping and suggestive cat-calls, and Shane can already feel his cheeks heating up. Ilya looks at him expectantly, holding out his hand, and any optimism Shand had of getting out of this dies in the brightness of Ilyaās grin.
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow by Goodkwuestion, ilya/shane, 4.5k
Ā Ā Ā The world is a cruel place, and Ilya Rozanov suffers greatly on a near-daily basis.
Slipping through my fingers all the time by phlebotinxm, ilya/shane & david/yuna, 8.2k
Ā Ā Ā Or, 3 times Yuna is surprised by Ilya Rozanov and one time she isn't anymore.
Pivotal by 409_conflict, ilya(/shane) & yuna, 14.1k
Ā Ā Ā Itās strictly a business trip. Ilyaās her client, not her friend, and they have meetings with Porsche. Sheāll probably see him for a few hours here and there, and sheās content to amuse herself for the rest of the time. Ilya seems to regard her trip differently.
Antipathy by AC91, ilya/shane & david/yuna, 9.7k
Ā Ā Ā Yuna canāt help it. Thereās just something about Ilya Rozanov that rubs her the wrong way.
Do it Scared by lark_ral, ilya/shane & cast, 8.1k
Ā Ā Ā Shane Hollander's five rules of how to not look gay (and how he breaks them for Ilya Rozanov) + one time he doesn't have to.
#AskIlyaRozanov by fbiyaoi, ilya/shane, 2.7k
Ā Ā Ā Alternatively: the most chronically online NHLer continues to be chronically online, this time under a new username.
who the f*ck is jane by goldengalaxies, ilya/shane & centaur wags, 2.9k
Ā Ā Ā (the ottawa wag chat finds out about jane. cue them finding out little bits of jane lore until some things add up)
but what came spilling out that day was the truth by sargeantwoof, ilya/shane, 4.6k
Ā Ā Ā OR: Shane & Ilya get a moment to breathe in the final Boston year.
I'm a hot girl and I come in different flavours by rollercoastar, ilya/shane & svetlana, 9.4k
Ā Ā Ā Ilya goes clubbing, and Shane shows up late. While thousands of strangers on the internet completely lose their minds, Shane and Ilya are enjoying themselves.
eleven out of ten by gurlsrool, ilya/shane & centaurs & voyageurs & admirals, nsfw, 12.3k
Ā Ā Ā In which the women Shane has slept with share their experiences on social media, Shane and Ilya both react totally normally, and Hayden would like some clarity on his best friend's sex life A sequel to "ten out of ten"
downward-facing dog by UglyGreenJacket, ilya/shane, 1.3k
Ā Ā Ā [Shane glares and flips off the camera. Anya can be heard barking happily.] Ilya: Isnāt yoga supposed to make you calm? You do not seem very calm. Shane: Letās just get this over with. Ilya: Now you are speaking my language.
Iām going to level with you. I have listened to The Devil Went Down to Georgia for most of my life. We were a country music household, this was a staple of my childhood along with Johnny Cash, Garth Brooks, and that one Chipmunks country album.
I have no idea what āFire on the mountain run boys run/The Devil's in the house of the rising sun/Chicken in the bread pan picking out dough/Granny does your dog bite no child noā means and at this point Iām too scared to ask.
this is the key part of the song, that a lot of people miss. people have this misconception that the contest between Johnny and The Devil is about who is the better fiddle player. but it isn't. its about who is the better fiddler.
in a time before things like radios and record players, every time you heard music was because there was somebody in the room with you playing an instrument. and many, many, many social events involved dancing, which requires music. so, if you're planning any kind of gathering in the american south or appalachia, you need to find a fiddler. and the fiddler's job is to play music that everybody knows and likes and can dance to.
the mistake The Devil makes in his bet with Johnny is that he misinterprets the contest as being about technical ability, so he has this big flashy song. he plays fast and impressively with a band of demons playing unfamiliar instruments in unfamiliar rhythms. he's definitely more skilled at playing than Johnny, and thinks he has it in the bag.
but Johnny wins because the contest is about being the best fiddler. the song uses these lines mentioned above as a shorthand for saying that Johnny is playing these songs. Johnny launches into a set of the most popular songs, played well, and that's what gives him his big win. A good fiddler knows all the hits, and can read the room to know what to play next. The Devil loses because he completely fails to read the room, and doesn't know the right songs.
i have spent most of the day staring at the wall, imagining how you fiddle "the house of the rising sun" because i wanted to think about it (every version ive ever heard is a dirge), and then i looked it up, and i was not disappointed (the link above is also good, but i love the lyrics a lot)
so cool how advanced the algorithm has become, it literally only takes like a decade or more of spying on all my internet activity and then it can expertly curate a selection of 15-20 youtube videos that i don't really want to watch, and then keep showing me those videos over and over again for a week so i can scroll past them again. the future is now
can you imagine though, thinking you have to morally agree with everything that gets you horny. thinking that every single horny thing has to be legal and good to do irl. life must be so boring, I'm kind of sad for them yk?
literally broaden your horny desires, man. it's good here on this side
we have dandelions EVERYWHERE, they are basically our State Weed, it is absolutely impossible that my mom has never interacted with a dandelion before, this requires further investigation
So after extensive interrogation I have an update:
my mom is in fact aware that dandelions exist. she temporarily forgot the name and there was some miscommunication.
the truth is actually weirder
sheās aware dandelions look like this
she is familiar with this flower. she knows the name of this flower. she declines to believe, however, that these are also dandelions
she does not believe these are the same plant. I tried to explain, and she thought I was either misinformed or lying. so I asked her what exactly did she think the yellow ones were called?
she answered, with complete confidence: Daffodils.
ābuttercupsā is a name applied to MANY flowers. in my part of the south it was this one:
imo thereās correct identifications of dandelions, daffodils, easter lilies and marigolds in this thread, but buttercups are simply impossible to agree on and the only solution is for everyone to post pictures of their local buttercups
When Ilya accidentally posts on public and the centaurs just āRIP Cap, it was nice knowing you ššļøā bc they know Shaneās gonna rip him a new one
I think that part of what irks me about AI being used even for "small" stuff like meme graphics (aside from all the larger problems obviously) is like.... the time spent on it was part of the humor. "this is a silly inconsequential joke but I had to stop everything and spend 5 minutes making it" was, at least for me, part of the joke. Someone really took time out of their day to make me look at something silly they took time out of their day to make. Now it's like someone took time out of my day to make me look at something no one even made. Stop wasting my time if you aren't wasting yours too.
formerly songofthecuckoo @poisonplaces - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
