[lesvegas]

passing in public makes me feel like white shrek

[lesvegas]

literally how it feels

[welpnotagain]

[katlovesshrimps]

many such cases

[inber]

sad they give tissue boxes plastic labia folds but no clitoris

[cipheramnesia]

I'm begging everyone to get their flu shots

[kenxyro-deactivated20200731]

The Value of Your Life

[surskip]

this is killing me it's so cute

[sunnysatori]

@funnier-when-objectum

[the-silliest-stiltwalker]

[lakevida]

boy are you a werthers original cause i could suck you for about three minutes

[subcultureblues]

but after that im chewing on it

[southernsolarpunk-deactivated20]

Original

[chicorystreetcoffee]

[peanutbuttaz]

[hppjmxrgosg]

"going out to get milk" is a common turn of phrase used to describe a man abandoning his family.

the "milkman" is a common figure in stories depicting a woman's infidelity and adulterous affair.

this implies that the ability to provide milk would both decrease the likelihood of a man abandoning his wife and children, as it would eliminate the need for leaving to get milk AND would secure that man's marriage, as his wife would have no need to seek milk from an extraneous source.

therefore, all men should produce milk, through various means such as:

- being a cow

- being an almond

- being a woman

- being a coconut

- being in the omegaverse

- being an oat

(list is exemplary and not finite)

in this essay, i will redefine the nuclear family and explain the seductive and inflammatory nature of the 1993 "Got Milk?" commercials.

[hppjmxrgosg]

you shut your mouth.

[hungwy]

people born in 2000 should be like 12-14 now. but they’re not. that’s how fucked up our world is now

[how-not-to-human]

The older this post gets the funnier it becomes

[duchesspeggy]

My cousin born in 2000 is a licensed psychologist.

[shepardoftheearth]

that’s how fucked up our world is now

[glowwormcentral-deactivated2021]

[lawyer voice] mothers and fuckers of the jury-

[hellenhighwater]

DO YOU KNOW HOW OFTEN I THINK ABOUT THIS POST??? IM IN LAW SCHOOL THIS POST IS GOING TO RUIN MY LIFE

[toontwink]

reblog to ruin a law student’s life

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

oh hello you’ve returned to us

[hellenhighwater]

Hi. I’m a trial attorney now and every last one of you is a motherfucker.

[dogpuppy]

[micro-usb-deactivated20230625]

[froggribs]

[gailynovelry]

The fastest way to accomplish The Project is to cease being afraid of The Project. The Project cannot maim you. The Project cannot kill you. The Project is more afraid of you than you are of it. It is okay if The Project turns out differently from how it was in your head, and it is okay if it has flaws. You are capable of engaging with The Project.

[plague-vulture]

oh yeah i was at an aquarium the other day and they had dolphins and a group next to me starting going "oh my god dolphins are Literally Evil though,," and i was filled with rage like theres no image that depicts biologist rage but i was full of it

[borgevino]

so fucking stupid that meds literally work. "swallow this pebble it makes you think" hateful

[hellish-undeath]

i love medications and swallowing pills #mypebbles

[chloecat]

don’t forget to swallow your pebbles today girls

[audrocur-deactivated20221128]

wow millennials are glued to their i-phones and laptops so much they cant even be bothered robbing in person anymore!!! maybe these trust fund babies should stop phishing credit cards while sitting on their butts and go out there and put some elbow grease into their thievery!

[thesnadger]

[weaselle]

I know exactly what happened. Because it happened to me.

I trained for years to be a con artist. I told my friends and family that I wanted to be a magician, but that was just a cover for why I was constantly practicing sleight of hand. 

In junior high and high school, I would shop lift a bunch of candy on my way to school, sell it to kids at the morning break, and use that money to run a crooked poker game at lunch.

Finally, when I was 19 or 20, I felt I was ready, and I picked my first pocket. I was on the bus, bumped a guy as I passed down the aisle, got his wallet, super clean.

In the wallet was several hundred dollars. A huge first score, I had been hoping for a couple twenties. I sat there looking at the, like, 400 bucks, thinking.

That was my rent at the time. We were both on the bus. It was likely his rent too. Lord knows the only reason to carry that much cash on the bus is you’re on your way to pay a bill. We were both on the bus, you know? That’s not someone I was comfortable stealing from.

I tapped him on the shoulder and told him “hey i think you dropped this” and gave it back to him with all the money still in it. It was the first and last time I ever picked a pocket.

Picking a rich person’s pocket is a loosing game. They probably have credit cards and not cash, those credit cards probably have the best anti-theft measures their bank can provide, and you probably can’t get close enough to those people to pick their pockets unless you’re already rich yourself.

The people who’s pockets you can reliably pick are the people around you. The people who are also on the bus, who are in this same shitty situation with you.

As wealth inequality becomes more drastic picking pockets has very clearly become “stealing from other poor people” and it’s not satisfying. I want to steal from Google and Apple and Fox and Facebook and General Mills and Hershey and Tesla. Not the person next to me.

[isuggesteatingtherich]

i have a suggestion