I know all these individual words but this sentence makes no sense to me.
I know roughly what this sentence means but i refuse to believe that it is real
Update: Ole Miss got a touchdown with four seconds left, one of the players lifed his leg like a dog peeing on a fire hydrant and got a flag for excessive celebration, and the kicker missed the goal post which cost them the game
Iām sorry, why the fuck are there rules against āexcessive celebrationā? why canāt people be happy about scoring a touchdown? Like Iād understand if he got in the other teamās face or whatever but he just did something silly. That shouldnāt cost a team a game
The excessive celebration rules come from the 1960s when free love and drug use were rampant. The rules were first suggested when Thaddeus Hopper of the Philadelphia Bells scored a touchdown against the San Antonio Alamos. He celebrated with an on-field party that held up the rest of the game for seven hours, and resulted in no less than 17 drug arrests among players alone.
But it was not until the infamous Touchdown of Orlando in the summer of 1968 that the rules happened. Late in the 7th inning, Chaim Levi of the Orlando Blooms scored a touchdown against his teamās longtime rivals, the Sacramento Mints. The crowd went wild, and at Leviās lead, they stormed the field and participated in what would be called by announcer Harry Caray,Ā āThe largest orgy since the inauguration of Calvin Coolidge.ā Estimated to have had over 3,000 active participants, the touchdown celebration not only established the excessive celebration rules but 197 pregnancies, 104 arrests for indecent acts committed upon astroturf,Ā and somehow, the extinction of the Florida Condor.
At first however, the rules only designated 5 minutes in the penalty box for the responsible player. The rules did not achieve their modern consequences until 1971:
It was a bright summer day when the Omaha Holdems faced the Salt Lake Salt Licks. Omaha was up 6 points in the final period with 12 meters down. Holdem star Doyle Kaplan dribbled the ball 11 meters toward the goal and in a move that football announcer John Steinbeck (no relation) calledĀ āThe pinnacle of this sport we call live-action-foosball,ā Kaplan spiked the ball into the Salt Lake teamās score-orifice and began his illegal celebration.
The actual details of his celebration have been censored and redacted since the event to prevent copycats, but here is what we at FIJMUĀ have been able to ascertain about the excessive jubilation:
Between 37 and 68 people died or lost limbs
The state emergency tequila supply was fully depleted
Both teams were disbanded and both cities were banned from the sport
85Ā Georges MĆ©liĆØs films were lost or destroyed
The ball pit was pathetically small
Pollution and Climate change, unheard of previously, existed ever after
Jimmy Hoffa was never seen again
Christianity is now a distinct religion from Judaism
Bessie, the prized cow of Omaha, was skeletonized by piranhas
Satan, laughing, spread his wings
Billy McFarland (no relation) was charged with fraud
The Hindenberg crashed
The Titanic sank
Ronald Reagan was elected president
PeopleĀ āsneezeā now
The ongoing censorship of the actual nature of the celebration has kept the event one of lifeās great mysteries, as the footage was destroyed, the announcer was sworn to secrecy, the players were given gag orders, and the audience was forbidden to even tell anecdotes of the day (no relation).
tag yourself
iām āthe state emergency tequila supply was fully depletedā
Iām one of the 85Ā Georges MĆ©liĆØs films that were lost or destroyed.
Satan, laughing, spreads his wings
Oh Lord, yeah!
āThe largest orgy since the inauguration of Calvin Coolidge.ā
Perhaps that event deserves an explanation.
In ancient Rome, it was common for a newly elected senator to celebrate with an orgy in honor of Bacchus, who in addition to wine and entertainment was also the god of gerrymandering.
This tradition was prohibited by Emperor Constantine when he converted to Christianity, but was still enacted in underground circles, leading to the creation of secret societies such as the Freecarpenters; Ordo Templi Occidentis; the Hermetic Order of the Slutty, Slutty Dawn; and the Skulls and Boning Society of Yale.
President Coolidge, in his days as Governor, joined one such secret society called The Beatnik Orchard. Of this society, little is known, but it still exists today and conducts secretive rituals surrounding the elections of its members. One of the few insights into this society comes from Coolidge himself, who in his last will and testament revealed the nature of his inauguration orgy. Details will not be written here as they are far too graphic, explicit, and disturbing to be repeated on the internet, but the celebration is said to have involved over 2,000 individuals including 2 ex-presidents,Ā 14 governors, 99 senators, 149 members of the house, 989 various politicians, and well over 12 women, most of whom were present only as observers.
The event took place in the White House, which was, in the words ofĀ Edward R. Murrow, āso desecrated and befowled that the entire structure had to be razed, the earth salted, plowed over, encased in a concrete dome, and buried 500ft beneath the new White House,ā which stands to this day. Also standing to this day is the record of ālargest American political orgy,ā an event that has lost its stature in modern times, with George W. Bush having only a local gangbang, Obama merely spending the night with his wife, and Donald Trump only managing to assemble a bottle of lotion and an oldĀ Frederickās of Hollywood catalog from 1998.
