#boundary violation

[nemfrog]

The nap. The Little Red Riding-Hood Picture Book. 1865.

Internet Archive

[the-healing-mindset]

Sometimes, a person will try to control the narrative surrounding their presence in your life.

For example, if someone is doing wrong by you, i.e., they continue to violate boundaries that you have set, they refuse to respect your wishes, and they continuously go against everything you have asked of them, then they will try to get out ahead of your decision-making by asking you leading questions surrounding the relationship.

They will try their best to make themselves out to be the victim. They will tell you that you're only taking advantage of them and their kindness by not having any goals set for your connection with them. They will tell you that you are just wasting their time by not giving them any indication of where they stand in your life. They will make it seem as if you should be caving to whatever deadline that they have set for themselves because, for them, "time is ticking".

Every way that you try to grow and improve with them will become an argument or a battle. They will push back against all potential ways that the relationship could thrive, thus holding you back. You are more than justified in being cautious with how you proceed with them.

Not once will they pause to consider that you may be valid in not wanting to take things much further with them because of what you've observed. They will not take stock of their behavior and realize that it is very much a determining factor in how far the two of you go. No, leading them on is not what you intend to do. If you have to prepare yourself for loss, that's okay.

It's a difficult position to be in, but if you have communicated to them what you will and will not tolerate and have expressed to them why you prefer to operate a certain way in life and they can't get with the program but continue to try to get you to live beneath where you've grown to so that they can be accommodated, then they do not deserve to come along.

[paperboy-pb]

I find that paras often have boundary problems. (Unfinished PB panel.)

[furiousgoldfish]

me after my boundaries are violated for 189th time: if this happens One(1) More Time... then I will Say Something 😤 I will Not allow myself to be treated this way anymore..!

[askdragonbladetalon]

ff+vladimir

Send me “ff+” and a character name and my character will react to finding and reading a graphic and sex-filled fanfiction of themselves and that character.

“Everyone’s watching,” Talon hissed, fingers curling to tightly grasp Vladimir’s forearms. He turned his head to a side, the cool bricks pressing against his cheeks as he tried to ignore the curious looks of the nobles.

“So? Let them watch.” Vladimir ignored the tight grip on his arms in favor of nuzzling another bite-kiss to Talon’s throat, scraping his teeth over the sensitive skin in just the way that he knew Talon liked.

“I don’t want them to.” Talon shuddered, trapped between Vladimir and the wall, and let his eyes drift half-shut as his fingers scrabbled against the brick.

“Are you scared they’ll see how much you enjoy this?” A sardonic smile curled over Vladimir’s lips as he bit down again, letting Talon’s heartbeat pulse against his tongue. He slid his other hand under the waistband of Talon’s trousers, feeling the moment that every muscle in Talon’s body locked up as he pressed back against the wall to escape Vladimir’s wandering hand.

“How much you enjoy it as long it’s my touch?” The delight in touching the lean muscles and scarred skin came secondary to the thrill of power Vladimir felt every time that Talon allowed him liberties that another would lose their hand for. He knew well what Talon liked and equally well what Talon disliked.

To be trapped in the open, to have others watching his disgrace, to be touched instead of the one doing the touching… All of those set Talon to fighting his own body’s reactions, faint tremors running through him as he tried not to stab Vladimir and as Vladimir gave him reason after reason to fight. With Talon’s silence and his sharp blades, he might even be a challenge for Vladimir if it came to a fight – but it never would. Vladimir would back off right before the tipping point, right before Talon snapped. And each time, he could push Talon a little more. It was a slow, painstaking process but over his centuries of life, Vladimir had learnt that sometimes the best payoffs corresponded to how much work they took.

“Stop,” Talon said through gritted teeth. The curve of Vladimir’s hand around his cock, sure and cool, was enough to have Talon bringing the dragonblade up against Vlad’s side in warning.

“So soon? You can take more.” Vladimir’s laugh vibrated against Talon’s throat as he pressed his weight more securely against Talon, looking down into pupils so dilated that Talon’s eyes were pools of black trapped within red rings.

Talon could so easily blink away if he didn’t want to be claimed so publicly – but ah, did the little assassin think that would be the same as running away? Talon was so young compared to Vladimir for all that Talon thought of himself as some sort of apex predator.

All too soon, the assassin would be nothing but dust and ash. Vladimir would have his fun with Talon while he could.

Very carefully, eyes blank, Talon folded up the manuscript and tucked it into one of his pouches. If his fingers weren’t quite as steady as they should have been, what of it? There was nobody there to see his hands shake. Not even Vladimir.

[furiousgoldfish]

You are not obligated to forgive or forget the abuse just because the abuser has 'changed'. Them changing doesn't undo any of the abuse they did, or erase any of the damage you suffered. Abusers promising they've changed is often a tactic to lure you back in, and you're more than justified to keep your guard up and to never expose yourself to even the possibility of being dealt more damage.

A person who isn't abusive doesn't need someone to come back into their life who doesn't want to, or feels unsafe and uncomfortable doing so. A person who isn't abusive doesn't ask for rewards for 'not being abusive anymore'. They will not feel the urge to violate your boundaries or to guilt-trip you because 'how can you be so heartless don't you see they've changed'.

Ask them why they want someone in their life who they've already hurt before. Why do they want someone who feels uncomfortable in their presence. Did they change just to get a reward, a benefit out of it, that they could ask of other people? Wouldn't it be painful for them to be constantly reminded, how horrible they've been to you? Would they not be overwhelmed with guilt every time they look at you? Would it not be safer for them to stay away?

Abusers asking victims back into their life is rarely a honest or well-intentioned act. If they've actually changed, they would have respected your space and your boundaries you set when you cut contact. Lack of respect for your comfort and safety is what caused this mess in the first place, they are now expecting to get rewarded for doing more of it. Whether you want to allow them back in your life, is your choice alone. You should never be pressured or guilt-tripped for deciding you don't want it.

[starlightdotpink]

Reaching

You're reaching inside of my mind,      you can't understand what you find. You're reaching, you're reaching inside:      grabbing and tearing what's mine.

You're lost, and you're feeling confined,      just like your world designed. You're seeking for silence so kind,     even though I have declined.

You're reaching inside of my mind,      you think I might help you unwind. You're reaching, you're reaching inside:      you know that we find this unkind.

You're teaching, you're preaching, designed:      a closing loop, you've resigned.

[5ellaal5]

Cross vs Violate: some definitions about boundaries

Regarding boundaries: respecting them, crossing them, and violating them.

The practice of establishing and holding boundaries is a looong discussion to address at another time (and I've done a 2-part plus epilogue podcast episode about them in another place). The summary is: we all have many, many boundaries at all times. They vary between being permeable to being rigid, and are hopefully mostly responsive and appropriate to life and circumstances. Most of us, with some important realms, have trouble with them and getting them at the useful settings and the useful responsiveness.

The important thing about setting and upholding boundaries is that it comes from within. The individual person, the group's leadership, the event parameters, the social media platform....

But then respecting boundaries comes from everyone else: other people who interact with that individual, the people in the group, the people participating in (or viewing) the event, the users of the social media platform....

So in counseling (and some other fields) we talk about two forms of not respecting boundaries, and it's important to distinguish them.

Crossing a boundary.

Violating a boundary.

I'm sure there are academic or pop-psych definitions of these but I'm going to give it my impression. I'm going to borrow names from another great writing I read recently: Jordan and Quinn and Sam

Crossing a boundary is often inadvertent (accidental or too much enthusiasm or was "forced" by external circumstances or didn't look for a boundary)

For example: Jordan has a boundary (as most people do) about being touched on culturally-sexualized body parts when in public by peoples unknown. Jordan and Quinn do not know each other. They are in a grocery store, and while Quinn was reaching towards a middle shelf, Jordan was reaching towards a lower one, and Quinn accidentally brushed the back of a hand against Jordan's chest and specifically against a nipple. They both notice this happen. freeze frame

Violating a boundary is intentional. The boundary is known or could be reasonably understood, and is pushed past.

For example: Quinn has a boundary (as most people do) about being touched on culturally-sexualized body parts when in public by peoples unknown. Quinn and Sam do not know each other. They are in a grocery store, and as Quinn reaches to a lower shelf, Sam grabs one of Quinn's ass cheeks with finger tips very close to the anus. They both notice this happen. freeze frame

In both of these cases, there are easy-to-assume boundaries:

They are in a publicly accessible place where culturally-sexualized behavior doesn't take place without societal or legal consequence; the venue itself has stated or presumable boundaries (rules, laws) about the behavior that is permissible inside

lack of prior relationship between the people involved

activity context: grocery shopping is not expected to be a place to negotiate sexualized physical contact

(this one is complex in that showing skin is not evidence of a lack of a boundary but...) clothing is typically designed to cover areas that we don't want people to access without negotiation or prior relationship

attention and engagement: were the various people even aware of each other a few moments before the interaction?

Anyway, I could go on with examples. There's also variable individual boundaries. E.G. sometimes people who have nursed children have lowered (or heightened!) boundaries about touch on their chests since they get touched so often and it might not impact them as intensely.

The thing is, a boundary crossing has indeed breached a boundary.

The boundary violation has definitely breached a boundary.

The thing that turns a boundary crossing or violation into violence and assault is not only the breach, but what happens next.

In a crossing, if the person who crossed the boundary (Quinn in the first example) pulls back, acknowledges the boundary, indicates regret/remorse and apology, and demonstrates they will respect the boundary henceforth, the touch may still be a triggering event or it may be a humorous anecdote. It depends on that person who experienced the boundary crossing. But a crossing is easier to repair, especially if the boundary is then recognized.

"Oh, gosh! I'm so sorry! I didn't intend that! Are you alright?! I'm so sorry! Here, you go first! I'll give you some space and wait until you're done."

In a crossing, if the person externalizes blame, says that it's the touched person's fault for putting body parts in the way of their hand, or insists there was no boundary and they did nothing wrong, etc. etc. etc., the clear lack of respect of the boundary crossing has become a boundary violation.

"Ugh, get out of my way! What? Why are you making that face? You're the one not paying attention. Just wait for me to get what I need. Jeez."

In the boundary violation, it would have to take quite a lot of genuine reasons this was an accident/mistake (mistaken identity for someone that the groper has a previous relationship with nevertheless ignores all the larger group boundaries e.g. grocery store implies bystanders who also haven't consented) to even get to the point where respect of a boundary could be re-established in that moment.

So many assumable boundaries were crossed in that action (location, situation, relationship, clothing, physical proximity, etc.) that it is much more likely to be felt as violence and assault, and it will take a proportionately weighty act of contrition, apology, and repair to smooth.

"Oh!!! I am so sorry! From the back you look like my partner and we're on a date, and I thought I checked that there weren't cameras or other customers in this aisle! I'm so sorry! Wow, that was so inappropriate! Are you okay? You must be so shocked, I'm so sorry! Who would expect to get grabbed like that!? Is there anything I can do to make up for it? Umm, do you want some candy or a drink or anything? I'll leave it at the register and leave you alone right now! I'm so sorry! Right, right, leaving you alone now!"

Even with a genuine apology and repair or extenuating circumstances, it was a violation. I'm sure people reading the example could do so either with awkward and embarrassed patterns of speech or also smarmy, insincere, manipulative patterns of speech. Figuring out which might also require further observing of their behavior. (Are they still watching the person they touched from another aisle? Do they go on to do the same maneuver with another person who isn't "their partner"?)

And, there are rarely extenuating circumstances for an action that pushed past so many obvious boundaries.

Add in things like gender presentation, race and ethnicity, relative cultural dominance (whose side will either the Management, or The State's Monopoly on Violence, take if called in?) that make the crossing or violation even more intense.

Anyway, I feel like with revelations about fantasy authors, fascist-pandering and predator-protecting social media sites, it's good to get some useful words to describe things that happen.