#szpd vent

[schizoidnarcfreak]

when i'm alone i actually have a pretty good grasp of what it means to be "myself" but when i'm around other people i feel like a corpse being paraded around for their amusement. and sometimes it's fun or interesting to be a paraded around corpse but it often doesn't truly make me "happy" and i'd rather be alone.

[errrr-vent-blog]

god gives his siilliest schizospecs the woorst days of theiir lives every siingle dayy non stop.

[crownedhades]

i wish i could say "i need space" without people getting upset by it

i wish i could be alone without people thinking im angry at them

i wish i could just ,, breathe and process on my own terms , without people getting impatient and overwhelming me.

because "i need space" doesn't have the common tone indication with me. im not implying that im frustrated with you--its fundamental to my disorder.

but even when i explain this ,, they don't understand.

i wish people understood. but they dont.

[urnmom]

i will never be able to maintain friendships without pretending because everyone is a fucking bother. theyre either better than i, or im better than them. im tired of acting like i give a shit. no one is special. i hate them all

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[schizoidnarcfreak]

being schizoid is so ass. nobody can respect my fucking boundaries and i can't set them unless i feel like i'm "allowed" to so it all just goes to shit

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example:

me, who hates being vulnerable ever and has put off this conversation for like 2 years: hey can you maybe ask me before initiating a conversation with me i need to be alone sometimes.

them: oh yeah just let me know if you need space :)

me: no i need YOU to ASK me BEFORE you start talking to me because i have trouble saying "no" unless i feel like i'm allowed to say no. and you don't make me feel safe enough for me to feel like i'm allowed to say "no" to you

them: oh of course you can tell me you need space, that's totally valid, just let me know! :)))

me: okay. fine. whatever. you're still not listening to me but if i'm allowed to say no then i'll just say try my best to say no i guess?

(a week later)

them: (talking about some shit i obviously don't care about at all)

me: (obviously not in a good mood, unable to even fake smile, not reacting beyond "mm-hmm" and "ok" hoping they just finally get the hint)

them: (still not taking the hint)

me, thinking to myself: damn. guess i'll have to bite the bullet and set my boundaries. surely it'll go over well because i got PERMISSION to set boundaries like this, right?

me, to them: hey no offense but i don't really wanna talk, i just can't handle talking to anyone right now. sorry.

them: YOU HATE ME??? YOU WANT ME DEAD???? OKAY WELL FINE YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO YOURSELF OVER THE WEEKEND SO I GUESS I'LL JUST SHUT UP :(((((((((((

me: (suppressing the nastiest most vitriolic words and homicidal wrath imaginable) um ok. bye.

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i am so fucking tired and done with everyone i think everyone should die and leave me alone forever and ever. how am i supposed to better myself when everyone around me fucking SUCKS and gets oh-so-offended at me expressing the bare minimum of boundaries.

now i want to put him in his place because he is so Beneath me he deserves to suffer tenfold but i know i'll never do it because it's literally just easier and safer to be a doormat until i'm out of this place and hope i have more of a spine with whoever the next roommate(s) will be. if i can survive living with them

[urnmom]

vagueposting with a doodle

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[urnmom]

okay but what purpose is there in life other than to make your brain produce the happy chemical and why cant i develop a major substance abuse problem to do it

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[schizoidnarcfreak]

Haven't been posting on here as much bc 1. Very busy but mainly 2. Moved into a studio apartment w no roommates and damn .. just don't have as many problems anymore lol. Like yes we still have issues, but having a roommate was so overwhelmingly terrible for us that now that we're out it feels like our life is significantly better, even if functionally not much has changed in terms of financial situation . Like fuck "recovery" we can do that shit later, I never want to live in close proximity to a stranger ever again

Tldr living on our own is the best possible decision we could have made, fuck having a roommate