@wlw-orchids replied to your post âFemme bi women married to men still have stories about queerness toâŠâ
actually femme is a lesbian term but bi women can use stag/tomcat/doe!
1. Tumblr is the ONLY place Iâve ever seen it claimed that âbutchâ and âfemmeâ are lesbian-exclusive. EVERYWHERE elseâLGBTQ+ organizations, wlw magazines, drag shows, pride parades, academiaârecognize that while many different groups under the LGBTQ+ umbrella have had special histories with the words âbutchâ and âfemmeâ, the terms actually originated in straight culture and have been used by people of EVERY sex, gender, and sexual orientation, for decades.
2. Bi women CAN use stag/tomcat/doe, if they want. But overwhelmingly, we DONâT want to, and ACTIVELY resist having those terms shoved on us. The doe/stag/tomcat paradigm was invented in 2014 by two bi teenagers who were bowing to pressure from lesbian exclusionists; bi women have called themselves butch and femme for as long as lesbians have. (Until the 1970s, âlesbianâ historically meant âa woman who has been known to love/have sex with another womanâ and wasnât very strict about its definitions; historical âlesbiansâ include people who today would be recognized as bi, asexual, trans, or nonbinary) And if a large number of bi women WERE willing to give up the identities theyâve carried since forever, which is dubious, it would NOTÂ be for terms as dehumanizing, and sex-essentialist, and hypersexual as doe/stag/tomcat..
3. Iâm really disturbed by how much this claim is being pushed on Tumblr, because a lot of Tumblrâs audience is teenagers and people newly discovering their LGBTQ+ identities, who donât have a ton of LGBTQ+ and allied friends to give them support and community. And, well, a lot of LGBTQ+ people, a lot of lesbians, really disagree with the idea that everyone should get scolded for using words theyâve always used. But Tumblr discourse primes teenagers and newbies to think âAnyone using butch/femme incorrectly is bad,â so when they go to their local pride parade or safe space or LGBT center or queer community, theyâll see ways those groups have talked about themselves for over fifty years and assume these are bad people who wonât support them. It teaches new/young people to look with suspicion and distrust about people who can be really valuable in their lives, and to interact with them in ways they donât know come across as really hostile.
That keeps newer/younger LGBTQ+ people from forming friendships with or learning from other LGBTQ+ people outside a small circle on Tumblrâand when someone is isolated, and has been taught they canât look to any outside source or do any independent research to tell them about their history or identity or what makes a relationship healthy, they are very at risk of being preyed upon, with no knowledgeable outside friends to say, âHey, some of what your online friends are saying sounds really extreme. Are you sure letting them tell you what to call yourself, what to watch or read, how to dress, or who to sleep with is really healthy? Maybe you should tell them to back off and let you decide those things for yourself.â
