One thing that plagued me after escaping abuse was how often I thought 'My parents would use this as a proof that I was stupid for leaving.'
It could be any kind of struggle; not knowing a basic skill, having financial issues, a medical problem, an accident, doing something poorly, having a crime committed against me.
Every time, I would hear that nasty 'See, you can't take care of yourself. We told you so. You should have stayed in your place. We told you this would happen if you left.' I would become overwhelmed with shame of being a bad human and proving them right. Even if I never went back, the humiliation would sit with me and I would feel consider whatever happened to me, completely my fault.
This happened because abusers connect inevitable life struggles against victims; it just isn't connected. Their twisted logic says, if you escape and then fail at being perfect, it's a proof you never should have gone. If an accident or crime happens to you, it means you're stupid just as we suspected and also somehow means you now deserve to have your agency taken away from you and be tortured forever.
People have accidents every day, they mess up, do things poorly, they struggle, and get sick, and they deal with crimes. And nobody says to them 'this is proof you should go back to being tortured' because that's nonsense! If those people have good family, what they hear instead is 'Oh my god, are you okay. How can we help you. It's not your fault. You'll get through this. It can happen to anyone.'
Nothing is taken away! Nothing is threatened. Their agency and their life remain theirs, despite the accidents, or mistakes, or struggles. Getting trapped and controlled is not a logical consequence to struggle! It isn't done to anyone else, so why are we the only ones singled out and told that anything short of perfection means pain and control.
The answer is abusers. They changed the rules for us. They decided every mistake or accident should be used to strenghten their hold on us. They created this twisted world where we can't do anything without getting punished. And for what. Because it makes them feel good and gives them power over us. Disgusting. Being a toy in their world is more important to them than us having agency and freedom to learn and navigate the world on our own.
You can mess up as many times as you want and nobody should hurt you. You deserve a warm offer of help to get through it easier, and absolutely nothing taken away from you.
working in a self checkout has taught me that every type of person of every age struggles and makes mistakes. a lot of people just joke around about their struggles. i go out of my way to make sure people DONT feel stupid, even if its something "simple" because they are NOT stupid its just that self checkout is different in every store. i dont go to other stores a lot so when i do can get a bit overwhelmed and forget stuff i already know, why get mad at others for having the same problems. i dont get mad or impatient because whats that going to do to help anything?
its also how abusers get the upper hand because they will not teach their kids a damn thing then get mad at their children for not knowing how to do "basic stuff" and struggling. how is yelling, threatening, hurting, etc going to help teach life skills that are only learned through experience? they just want to be in control of everything and feel like they are the smartest best human ever, when in reality they failed to teach and guide their kids through life.
you cant shame yourself into change. mistakes should be treated like a learning experience and struggling should be met with support and kindness not shame and abuse. never let anyone shame you into thinking you're not good enough for freedom. you escaping against all odds is proof enough of your skills.
being self taught always comes with trial and error.
