I Diddle Holes

[kimpossibooty]

Listen. I’ve got a new grift. I’m posing as an automated gnome fact service and confusing the shit out of people. Have someone you want me to prank? $10. $10 and they’ll be inducted into a life of gnomishness. Want it for yourself? I’m willing to talk to you too.

Venmo me @TomJGrennell and drop me a message with the phone number you want me to haunt!

This is also for a good cause which is paying off a lot of debt from emergency dental work and emergency pet surgeries and emergency car replacements and so on

[kimpossibooty]

I already have one person on the hook and they are Not Having It. Come destroy your friends’ phones with me!

[kimpossibooty]

I cannot tell you how obsessed I am with how many of you are doing this you are all my VERY favorite people and I love you so much and I will make sure your friends get your money’s worth 🫡

[kimpossibooty]

Also I’ve started an email account as well so any and all international gnome fans are included now!

[kimpossibooty]

I got banned from the texting app so I immediately made half a dozen burner accounts and resumed services. I am nothing if not a consummate professional.

[kimpossibooty]

Sorry for spamming this so much but this is truly one of the most fun things I’ve done in ages

[kimpossibooty]

highly researched (by me) and highly reliably sourced (source: me) and you can absolutely sign yourself up!

[kimpossibooty]

Updating this post so people can find this in the comments!

NeurotiCity Fact Services is now on Patreon! Doing it this way I've been able to make it more sustainable and easier to automate! I now offer both texts and emails for gnomes, ghosts, wizards, frogs, and centaurs! Email subscriptions are $3/month, texts are $7/month, and you get discounted rates if you sign up multiple people/for multiple lists! I've got some fun plans for this, so please join in the madness and have some fun! Prank your friends, destroy your enemies, or sign yourself up for a little bit of joy each day! In addition to the Patreon, I will be keeping up the original service in a limited capacity! For a one time payment of $10, you can get a week of gnome facts for yourself or a victim! Emails and other topics will remain exclusive to Patreon, but this way you can still get in on the fun without having to make an account or commit to anything longer-term! Venmo @ TomJGrennell if you’re interested!

[kimpossibooty]

UPDATE: NOVEMBER 9, 2024

Hi gang! For a variety of reasons, this will be retired indefinitely on December 1 and the Patreon will be shut down!

HOWEVER

Ya boy has bills out the wazoo so I’m going out with a bang! Instead of one week, you can get the rest of the month for just $10! AND you get your pick of topics! Gnome? Ghost? Wizard? Frog? Centaur? Choose what you want you or your target to learn about and the texts will roll in!

I’ve gotten a LOT of good feedback on this that the people receiving these texts love them, so now’s a great time to prank your friends, have some fun, and support a disabled bisexual who owes a whole lot of money to a whole lot of medical providers! Have a lot of friends? Message me and we can discuss a discount for multiple contacts!

Venmo @/TomJGrennell (or message me to discuss other payment options) with the number you want me to send texts to and which topic and they’ll begin within 24 hours! This offer stands the entire month so hop on at any time!

[blozs-blog]

[witheringsapphic-deactivated202]

please reblog this until i find my true love. i am so alone

[tables-but-with-a-very-long-name]

Made it poly friendly

[witheringsapphic-deactivated202]

oh hell yeah even better

[courtjester69420]

Made one for aromantic trans people 👍

[worthikids]

Witches On Tinder

[bogleech]

Just the vocal delivery on its own is funny every time

[chronicpaingirlie]

shaking myself (very gently) . being in pain takes a lot of energy!!!!!! being in pain is exhausting!!!!!!! you are not lazy or weak because you need to spend so much time resting, this is your body coping with how much pain you’re in literally 24/7!!!!!!!!!

[chronicpaingirlie]

addition: feeling big emotions is exhausting & takes a lot of energy!!!!!!!! needing to rest after having big feelings isn’t a sign of being weak or lazy either!!!!!!!! your body needs time to rest & recover even when it isn’t for a ‘normal’ reason

[nonebinary-leftbeef]

NO WAY

[wizard-council-bureaucrat]

I’ve been doxxed 😨

[thetetra]

I once worked on a phone campaign to disallow the trees around your crater from being cut down...

[wizard-council-bureaucrat]

I am deeply deeply in love with you 💙 Thanks so much for your conservation effort!

It’s the small things we all do together that can make a big difference! 💙💙💙💙 And you’ve done it!!!

[pacificnorthwesterngothic]

People just gotta know what Crater Lake and Wizard Island looks like

[silent-calling]

What in the Skyrim

[jenroses]

been there several times. And yeah, Skyrim feels super duper Oregon in a lot of ways.

[fitzreiley]

We gonna talk about Crater Lake, and Wizard Island and not mention the Old Man of the Lake?

The Old Man of the Lake is a log that floats around the lake. It is somewhat strange in that it floats vertically. It's roughly 30 feet tall, with only about 5 or so feet sticking out above the surface of the water. It was first 'offically' recorded in the early 20th century, though there are oral reports of it as far back as 1896 (and likely earlier still given the cultural importance of Crater Lake to the Klamath tribe of that area.

The Old Man should have rotted away long ago or at the very least become waterlogged and sank into the water fully, but nope. Over a hundred years, and there is this log still in the water just floating.

So y'know how I said the fact that it floats vertically was 'somewhat strange'? Let's get into some actual strange territory regarding the Old Man. It moves. Against the wind. It has been recorded moving in paths that do not make sense, never getting stuck on the shore of Wizard Island, nor the area of shore around the lake. Now that's strange.

So now let's get freaky: The free-floating Old Man posed a hazard to boats since it moves, and only a small portion of it was above water. (though personal boats are no longer allowed on the lake) Anyway, in 1988 a team was using a small submersible to explore the lake. The scientist figured it'd be a good idea to moor the Old Man near the coast of Wizard Island out of their way, for safety. So they tied some rope to it, to move the Old Man. As soon as they did so, the clear blue skies of a warm August day turned dark. The wind kicked up, bad, and it started to rain, then hail, then snow in the span of a few minutes...again in August. Now snow in that area is common, but not in the summer months. It gets super warm in that area in summer (like 70 to 90 degrees on average) So the scientists decided to nope the fuck out of the water, because of this freak storm. They unmoored the Old Man, preparing to get the fuck out of dodge of this summer snowstorm. As soon as the rope loosened and was in the water, as quickly as the storm had come on them, the darkened skies cleared and it was once more a fine sunny summer day.

As a kid, I spent my summers with my family who lives like... 40 some odd miles from Crater Lake National Park so I had this knowledge just kinda buried in my head somewhere.

[bogleech]

I excitedly added a thing about the old man before I checked the notes so now I'm gonna reblog this great story instead but here is the old man!!!

"The Old Man floats vertically through the lake on a calm day"

"THE OLD MAN FLOATS. VERTICALLY. THROUGH THE LAKE ON A CALM DAY"

!!!!!!!!!!

[headspace-hotel]

Finally

Cryptobotany

[fipindustries]

I cannot stand the parodies of modern major general, they're overdone and simply not as good as the original. They've done them about everything, whatever topic, big or small.

And when i notice one of them my eyes will always start to roll.

The diction's always slurry when they rush the complicated words, and adding many fricatives will turn it so cacophonous. The slanted rhymes are silly and they keep just making more and more, please someone stop the parodies of modern major general.

The scanning of the lyrics in the meter is unbearable, they emphazise the syllables in ways that are untenable, in short in matters musical, prosodic and ephemeral, i cannot stand the parodies of modern major general!

[raevenlywrites]

[punkitt-is-here]

you will probably not look like a skinny white anime girl when you transition you will likely look like someone's mom and you need to realize how swag this is

[punkitt-is-here]

I saw a picture of my mom last week and did a double take because we both realized how similar we look. skinny white anime girls are not real women but your mom is. I promise you look like a real woman

[punkitt-is-here]

Shoutouts to the funniest possible tags on this post

[our-queer-experience]

there are not many posts like this out there but shoutout to trans women who like their voices, shoutout to trans women who like having a dick, shoutout to trans women who are butch, shoutout to trans women whose transition has been ‘unconventional’, shoutout to trans women who will never pass and dont care to, shoutout to trans women who are tall, shoutout to trans women who break the binary that was reinvented in progressive spaces. you people are so fucking incredible.

[our-queer-experience]

this.

[yesornopolls]

Would you be embarrassed to show someone your last google search?

Yes

No

Voting ended onAug 3, 2024

[chrispineofficial]

i love this poll so much. i 100% respect the ~15% who don’t want to talk about it that’s real we’ve been there. but i am also so in love with the ~85% who dgaf and put their searches in the tags. i’m obsessed with us all sometimes the world is good

[flagellant]

kill the shift manager in your brain

[flagellant]

you are not wasting time you are vibing. you are not being unproductive you are literally chilling. make a grill cheese with cheddar cheese and slather a piece of the bread with some honey and maybe you'll relax

[flagellant]

Innes Keeper's Formula For Fantastic Grilled Cheeses (for nearly no extra spoons!)

Are you hungry? Do you have a hankering for grilled cheese sandwiches like, way more than a normal person maybe? Great news! I am about to give you the secret knowledge I stole, like Prometheus himself, from the Akashic Records—to bring back to Prudencia! And I’m even doing it without a ten hour long lecture about how the Akashic Records makes me think of idfk, 9/11, and how that relates to sandwiches.

I will, however, briefly say this: You gotta trust me when I say cooking grilled cheeses via this formula WILL grant you Bloodborne Insight. There is no fucking reason that making a grilled cheese this fucking delicious should be this fucking easy. I feel like I’m cheating God every time I do it because it takes (nearly) no extra spoons. And here’s where I show you why.

Scientifically Proven Perfect Extremely Easy Grilled Cheese

INGREDIENTS — SEASONINGS -butter, i usually use 2 or 3 tablespoons per sandwich -garlic cloves, I use 3 usually -a source of heat, like red pepper flakes, or szechuan peppers -a source of spice OR a source of sweetness, such as dijon mustard or honey. slather that motherfucker on a slice of your bread. -a source of herbiness, such as oregano, thyme, sage, rosemary, etc in any combination that goes well together or on its own. if someone tries to tell you that you need it fresh, they’re fucking lying, the 2$ crushed powdered sage is fucking great. experiment with other spices such as ground turmeric if you're spicy

INGREDIENTS - THE METAPHORICAL MEAT OF THE SANDWICH -two slices of bread per sandwich. this is actually a massive influence on your sandwich taste and texture as a whole. a basic white or wheat will still be fucking delicious because like I said, I stole this from the Akashic Records cookbook section and found it under “fucking perfect grilled cheeses forever”. However, if you CAN—getting bread like brioche, texas toast, brown bread, rye, or sourdough will make a sandwich already being elevated super easily to “pay 23 dollars at a fancy restaurant” level of elevation.

-one to three types of cheese per sandwich. you can get away with one type but really try for two or three if you can swing it. this is also one of those massive influences over the sandwich—listen, i know, that’s obvious, but stay with me—what matters isn’t the SPECIES of cheese, it’s the TYPE of cheese. getting the deli at your local Safeway or Walmart or whatever and asking for the cheese they gotta cut (or just in general the fancier, better-quality cheeses) is literally the only major requirement that I ask of you. If you are on SNAP/EBT programs, me too, and I promise you: Please do this. Please trust me when I say do not get the cheap Kraft-type cheese because it’s less money. I know it’s a bit extra but it’s only a bit to get like 1/4 or 1/3lb and you have no idea how much I’m actually getting a little emotional about this, because the “rice with butter and beans or top ramen every single day” life is soulsucking and sickening and it is genuinely one of the greatest sources of suffering to human beings I can imagine, I’m serious. Following this formula will genuinely change your life/mental health just a bit because you know that you have one meal that is super delicious, super filling, pretty damn cheap when it comes to how much you get, and super easy to make on days where the idea of doing more than just 15 minutes MAX is gonna make you wanna die.

super sorry for that paragraph btw i just really cannot overstate how this is a lifechanger especially when youre poor/low spoons/depressed. delicious food makes me not be as depressed. this is that.

METHOD

Take garlic cloves and crush them either with the meat of your palm or the flat of a knife or literally anything that would crush good. Take bread slices and put a source of spice or sweetness if you are using one. take a pan and put it on the stove on low-medium heat (aka a 2 out of 10).

Place the butter in the pan, as well as the garlic cloves, the source of heat, and the source of herbiness. Congratulations you have now literally done ALL the extra effort that you need to make a grilled cheese like this. That’s it. No extra dishes. No fussing with amounts or chopping or whatever. That’s it.

The butter will melt in the pan and soak up the delicious ingredients that you also put into the pan. Take each slice of bread and place it in the pan to butter it, OR just take one slice, place the cheese on it, and then put the other bread on. It’s really just a matter of extra effort.

When the bread is in the pan, turn it up to medium heat (5 out of 10) and just sorta let it sit for a bit. When you can see the cheese start to get visibly melty—or when you vibecheck it—flip it once and just do the same thing.

When you’ve grilled your cheese on both sides, take it out of the pan and put it on a plate (or just a paper towel to save on dish spoons. btw paper plates and plastic utensils are a fucking godsend if you hate dishes and/or can’t do them very easily/takes a lot of effort.)

That’s literally it. I really hope this helps.

[palisadewasp]

outta my way gayboy im making this sandwich

[palisadewasp]

oh. oh my god. holy fuck. what. how. why. this is delicious. i kinda burned my bread and my cheese didnt melt all the way but it's still the best thing ive ever tasted?????

[tiredshadowscale]

oh my god. this is so fucking good. the butter melting and absorbing the spices and herbs already smelled amazing, but then i threw the bread on and it started smelling EVEN BETTER. then i took a bite. holy FUCK this is better than sex. i legitimately believe that Innes Keeper stole this shit from Prometheus, there's no other way to explain why this is so easy to make, yet so FUCKING good, other than cheating a god.

[flagellant]

I didn't steal it from Prometheus he's my trophy husband!

[hyacinthsword]

ok me and my partner went back and made this. exact words upon eating were “we’ve cheated god” and “i feel like my world just got rocked” and then we were both energized to get back to drawing. proof:

please make innes keeper’s scientifically proven perfect extremely easy grilled cheese

[flagellant]

I'M PUTTING THIS ON THE FRIDGE (WHERE I KEEP ALL MY CHEESE)

[lexidius]

Fuck it I'm gonna make the infamous inneskeeper grilled cheese, I'm suspicious of the honey part working but fuck it let's see what happens

[lexidius]

i want this sandwich to impregnate me

[fullbodycringe]

I'm not usually in favor of content protection etc, but this person living on food stamps should get mf'ing royalties on this sandwich

[shymagnolia]

so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

[shymagnolia]

okay so i just got my dream job??? a week after applying to it?? and now i’m thinking….maybe this is the good luck post

[flagellant]

…..not even six hours later i got an offer of a well paying full time long-term job with free room and board in queens in nyc, allowing me independence and a way to escape an abusive situation and an unhealthy environment

likes charge reblogs cast, folks, this is the good luck post

[coffee-or-hot-cocoa]

i need all the help i can get for finals

[finnglas]

Hey so

the last time I reblogged this post right before I got a great job, in a permanent work-from-home position, with benefits, retirement, and a salary literally 3x what I was making before, doing something I really like. 

So you know. 

This might be the real one, y’all.

[azaraspirit]

what the hell? i could use some luck *hits reblog*

[worldheritageposts-official]

World Heritage Post

[monsoonsosoon]

reblogging again… need it bad lol 

[whispers-into-the-void]

desperate times call for desperate measures 🙏🏽

[leisamc]

I need luck in the form of a really slow and quiet week omg please

[mayskalih]

ok I don’t know what it is about this post but I just found a job advert that perfectly matches my expertise and it’s paid very decently. aaand it’s 1h drive from where I live now! (rn my office is 2h by flight and I pay taxes in another country so if I want free medical help I have to take plane)

[skritzzy]

I feel like any aliens that were prey at some point in evolution would have an odd fear of humans. Mostly cause they look like predators, act a bit like predators, and ARE predators. One perfect example is when we're focused on something like a mosquito that's been bugging us for a long time and we are just done.

Alien: "What. What..?"

Human: *HUNTING down a mosquito it saw*

Alien: ".... yeah I am really uncomfortable...."

Human: *quiet footsteps, pupils dialated, intense focus,*

Alien: *WAR FLASHBACKS*

Human: "Found you." *absolutely desimates the mosquito, squashing it into a million pieces as it's guts and various body parts liquidize into blood of the bloodthirsty, now stained on the palm of the human. A living being now reduced to a useless corpse as the human wipes the remains on their pants*

Alien: "I feel like I've just gained trauma."

[graylinesspam]

okay fucking fun addition to this post. Hunting instincts in humans absolutely still exist and are usually triggered either by fascination or anger. The polar opposite of flight is pursue. An anecdote for this is that the other day my sister, who is an avid "take the bug outside in a cup" rescues kittens in her free time kinda person, looked out the window and saw a chicken in the middle of our driveway. which is a very unusual occurrence despite us living in the country.

All she had to do was say the words "there's a chicken" and her as well as my own body language immediately shifted. We were out the door and in the yard already sorta hunched over and walking on the balls of our feet, fucking flanking this chicken. No words were exchanged. We just slowly circled this chicken like a couple of rabid dogs. totally single-mindedly focused on capturing the prey.

The chicken could feel it, it immediately began counter maneuvers to avoid us and it was faster. But there were two of us and we knew the land better, we knew how to herd it into a corner, carefully watching it's body language and lurching to counter it's escape attempts. And it was fucking thrilling.

Of course, when we both closed in on it and finally got our hands on the poor thing we simply took it into the back patio away from the cats and the vultures that wanted to actually finish the job. No harm came to the bird. We located its owner and returned him to his flock but still. From an outside perspective, it was a bit unnerving. And for the chicken, it was no different than being hunted. He was just lucky enough that we were predators who appreciated the companionship of pets and were more concerned with returning him to his humans than eating him.

Now imagine any fucking alien species watching a pair of humans, who literally rehabilitate animals in their free time, who are not soldiers and seem to be totally domesticated, just absolutely flip a switch and turn into pack-hunting pursuit predators? On a single word.

(felt like the bulldog from Rio's bird chasing monologue hit a little too hard after this)

[stitchthisfiona]

Today in niche genres of joke that I can never get enough of and will probably still be secretly thinking about four years later

[cleolinda]

[cleolinda]

[lotus0kid]

[lotus0kid]

[pomme-poire-peche]

[lotus0kid]

[sashaforthewin]

[jack-of-no-cows]

[ghirahimbo]

[thebibliosphere]

Chronic pain and illness really do skew what you consider to be normal.

I'm complaining to a friend about two separate pains I've got going on right now, pains which I would categorize as "annoying," and "distracting," and she's freaking out, like, "Go to the ER!!!!" and it's like, oh, that's right. Normal people go to the ER when it hurts to breathe.

Anyway...

(Just to clarify, I'm, like, 90% sure it's costochondritis, and I'm not actually struggling to breathe. It just feels blegh. The other pain is more distracting and potentially an issue but we'll cross that bridge if we get to it.)

[invisiblefoxfire]

Been telling my (young and abled) physiotherapist for years that I'm in pain all the time and when he asks me to tell him how bad something hurts from 1-10, I really don't know how to answer that. He'll say "tell me if it hurts" and I have to say, every time "you mean... in addition to how much it always hurts?" Anyway I love the guy, but he kept asking the same questions in the same way and not understanding why it was hard for me to answer.

Then I found this graphic here on tumler dot com (I do not remember the source but please add it in comments if you know) and I showed it to him at an appointment.

He started reading from the bottom to the top, reading each "normal" level followed by the "chronic" level next to it, and at first he was laughing. When he got to about 7/4 he stopped laughing and said "okay well this is getting less entertaining and more concerning." He went completely silent for a moment after he finished, then turned to look at me with real concern in his eyes and asked me if this chart was really accurate. And when I said "Yeah, dude" and gave him a big goofy grin and a shrug, I saw something click for the first time.

[thebibliosphere]

Oh, this chart just made me realize my migraines are a 12.

That's... yeah, okay. Printing this out.

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

*displays textbook symptomatic behavior of my own disorder that I am well educated on* what’s my deal why am I like this

[frigbob]

Person who wants to do stuff trapped in a body that needs to lie down

[kratt09]

hello, white tumblr user. before you is a serious post by a blogger of color about racism. if you are able to quietly reblog it without adding any bullshit, especially not anything starting with "as a white person-" you will be allowed to go free. the hardest challenge in your entire life begins now