The things I've seen

[the-things-ive-seen]

Reviews or venting?

Hello, everyone.

This will mostly cover several topics. TV shows, comics, videogames, anime, movies, recent political drama, and philosophy.

I mostly want to oust my opinion while make some funny jokes along the way. I don't want to offend anyone or target people.

Just trying to vent in a healthy way. If anything about this can be considered healthy.

Thank you for stopping by.

note: I should've pinned this a while ago. whoops

[the-things-ive-seen]

Wonder Woman: Earth One

Volume 2

Oh god. I sat through the entire last two volumes.

I'm genuinely in shock. This entire series goes nowhere. Well, it goes somewhere, but damn. All the strawmen, the nazi imagery, the obsession with bondage and submission...

I'm getting ahead of myself. Volume 2 is bad.

Not bad, like for canon Wonder Woman- that ship sailed years ago. No, this is 'I've lost track of the point I'm trying to make' bad. Like, 'I'm simplifying touchy politics' bad. 'Wonder Woman sold me into slavery, and it's her family business' bad. It gets really fucking bad, guys.

A story scissored up into fragmented pieces as Grant Morrison tries to convince us that an island of technologically advanced women are a threat to America and the world, assuming that Wonder Woman is plotting to wage war.

(And they're right)

Meanwhile, Dr. Psycho is given the distinct job of breaking Wonder Woman... for some reason. I actually don't know what his job adds up to. I feel like, in reality, anything he forced Wonder Woman to do can be undone through basic negotiating. I don't think he's responsible for the invincible nazi lady, but he still knows about her. But whatever, this is all just a prologue for Volume 3. So if anyone loved it, there's the perfect excuse: "It's not a complete story because it'll all be explained in volume 3!"

(it's not)

Sigh... at least summarizing everything will be easier.

The nazi thing I mentioned? Apparently, at some point during WWII, nazi's successfully reached Paradise Island (not Themyscira, never call it that, it's wrong). The Amazonians fight with powerful purple beam weapons that cause pleasure and orgasm sounds. They seriously hate the selfish and all-consuming nature of men, so they send the nazi's to a planet where they will be brainwashed into being complacent and receptive to love. Then Paula, the superpowered nazi woman, fist-fights Hippolyta, but is secretly bad at wrestling. They force her to wear a belt that brainwashes her. That's going to be a common theme. In her highly obsessive state, she sees Diane next to Hippolyta and notes how similar they are.

We're literally in the first scene, and I can already tell any high-roading by Wonder Woman or the Amazonians is purely ironic horseshit.

Supervillain plotting aside, Diane is famous! It kind of just happened; we're skipping the build-up and bypassing the wealth and alien boundaries. Wonder Woman hosts TED Talks. As anyone would predict, a local radical teen suggests that Wonder Women take over the world and fix it (not in those exact words). She thinks about it, because this is standalone novel, 'defined by her culture' Wonder Woman, and the question needs to be taken seriously. She talks about this with her mother, who tells her that without immortality, her failure to save Earth's women is inevitable. Also, the Nazi woman is still around being sus picious.

During a plane race, Steve lets Diana know she can't trust the government. So, we view the government guys plotting to destroy Diana.

Note: The biggest trend amongst all the Earth One books is an active rebellion against authority. Governments aren't strictly evil, just easily co-opted by evil forces. Here is no different. A war between an island nation with good, expensive tech and "the world" is intentionally triggered because Man's World = Bad. Instead of focusing on that, we hop between Wonder Woman establishing (and losing) her authority and Hippolyta planning her death. The 'governments are bad' motif ends up becoming filler, leaving the question of how regular governments would react to an unexplained Mediterranean Wakanda unanswered.

The government guys ask her to save an agent from a Middle Eastern country, Wonder Woman goes in a new dress and rescues the agent and a bunch of women who are there. When they reach base, Diana and the agent, Dr. Zeiko, have a long pretentious conversation about women's rights and tyranny and how Paradise Island is actually North Korea Island. Like ten pages of 'were still talking about Themyscira,' just for a villain reveal. Meanwhile, government good guy Darnell Phil and bad guy Maxwell Lord talk about Project Ares, the project that will, for sure, destroy Paradise Island. A bunch of robots with guns. Phil tells Steve Trevor about the plot.

Steve warns Diana about Zeiko, but she doesn't listen because we're only halfway through. Zeiko convinces Wonder Woman to let her guard down and rely on the Lasso of Truth, which specifically hypnotizes people into compliance. Zeiko reveals he is a psy op manipulator, but still convinces Diana to come to his house. In a show of trust, she lets him bind her with the lasso. He hypnotizes her, providing instructions and twisting her beliefs. Steve tries to save Diana, but she's half conciously puts him down.

...I think I'll pause the summary here to say Dr. Zeiko is the best character. He's nothing like the guy from the main canon, but is still incredible and terrifying in this volume. Still, between the character design and how this all ends, I feel like Dr. Zeiko is the biggest sign that Grant Morisson misses the point. Everything Dr. Zeiko was was both a representation and an explanation for how shitty he was. Now he's handsome, secret agent who can manipulate anyone and has an unexplained grudge against women. He's not a villain anymore; he's just an insufferable douche. I can't even enjoy how he loses.

Anyway, Diana's mom prepares for her potential death. Paula has been reactivated via radio. She steals Hippolyta's girdle and kills her with no resistance. Meanwhile, Diana gives a speech declaring war on the world. Meanwhile, again, Maxwell Lord reveals that he triggered Paula with mind control technology (huge plot hole, but whatever). Diana reels from her declaration, and Zeiko strolls by to tell her that her Mom died recently. Literally a second later, Paula hops in and shows Diana the beating heart of her mother. Wonder Woman cries, and Zeiko takes a selfie. Obviously, everyone loses their shit and starts beating the crap out of both of them. I guess there wasn't a strong endgame after this.

Wonder Woman lassos Paula, which lets her confess her motivations for killing Hippolyta. See, Paula is always under the compulsion of the mind control tech, and the fates claimed that only the death of the queen would allow Diana to return to Paradise Island as its monarch. She murdered Hippolyta so Diana would become the Wonder Woman who would cure her and save all women.

...I think this is where the story comes together for me. Where all the spaghetti straightens out. This entire series is about Wonder Woman becoming the person she's supposed to be. The legendary sovereign that beats man's world into loving submission. A corrupt servant seeking only to be saved, a legendary queen willing to let her story end, and a princess pursuing the path to peace and prosperity. All coupled together with a 30-year-old professional incel and a war dog who makes war machines and war.

I'm willing to give this series props, but only if I can shit on its hokey horseshit.

The military is pursuing Diana for... declaring war? (That's still not how that works.) Steve and the Amazons show up with planes. The Holiday girls have Zeiko gagged and tied, and the Amazons just take him away. Diana says her goodbyes, and Steve Trevor is arrested for treason.

Dr. Zeiko is sent to the world of Aphrodite, and Diana becomes the queen of Themyscira.

So... some good points. More bad points. Some nightmare fuel I'll never unsee. I like all her outfits.

I think I was pretty lenient with Volume One, because it was the first of an expanding story, and it really could have gone anywhere. Now I know that anywhere includes nowhere. Specifically, Paradise Island. I was f*cking dreading the idea that this entire series is centered around a fictional island and it's paper thin political rhetoric. That we would be talking in circles about how the world's f*cked up and this one isolated island nation seems to have it figured out despite having literal magic. And now we're at war with the goddamn island because AMERICA IS BAD AT TRADE NOW.

Look.

Was it fun? When it wasn't boring, sure. Was it dramatic? Primarily toward the end. Was it iconic? In more ways than one.

Was it good? ...Let's put it this way. Dr. Psycho manipulates Wonder Woman into letting her guard down, hypnotizes her to declare war so the US can engage, and then takes a selfie of her crying when she finds out her mom his dead. His punishment? Being dragged off to a parallel world to serve an eternity in hypnotic servitude. I don't like or forgive anything he did. But I can acknowledge that this punishment seems... disproportionate to everything we've seen him do. There's a lack of buildup, sense, and even the climactic loss is as simple as him being caught bragging.

When Volume 2 ends, I realize I'm not really satisfied with anything that just happened. I have more questions than answers, and I have less to say about Wonder Woman herself than anyone else. It's not really about her this time around; it's about what she represents. That works and all, but it's still 118 pages of "This Amazonian Princess thing might be a problem."

As for Volume 3...

I can never take Volume 3 seriously, and I have no intention of genuinely reviewing it.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Wonder Woman: Earth One

Volume one

What the fuck.

Where do I even start? Themiscyria being covered in clamshell imagery, Wonder Woman being depicted so terribly in the most frustratingly predictable way possible, or maybe the scene of the black guy being offered a collar.

I think I know where to start.

Fuck. You.

Author Grant Morrison and artist Yanick Paquette, this is just... not ok. This is past crossing the line; you jumped past the equator and reached the north pole. I'm fucking ice cold.

...I've taken time to cool down.

I want to condense my feelings about this graphic novel comic into two parts. The history and the plot. I feel like I would be misleading everyone if I didn't say my knowledge of Wonder Woman didn't affect my bias, so I'll be spilling some basic details while describing the plot.

This is the most basic interpretation of Wonder Woman's Origins. Most people have seen or heard it.

Diane is an Amazon princess living in Themyscira, an isolated island nation with only women, magically supported by Greek gods as a paradise. Steve Trevor crashes on the island, and Diane realizes the outside world is in trouble. After arguing with her mother, Hippolyta, she leaves the island with Steve, entering the real world as the legendary Wonder Woman.

Got it? Good. Here's the plot for Volume One.

Themyscira- no... Paradise Island is a technologically advanced future isle filled with the original Amazonian women from the past 3000 years. Diane is the SA baby of Hercules, and her mom, Hippolyta, has been secretly training her to destroy the world of man, but more on that later. Steve Trevor crashes on the island, but can't be healed by the purple healing ray gun because it only works on women. Diane uses this as an opportunity to see the world of man she's so curious about. She wins her girlfriend Mala's sentient telepathic invisible plane in a contest against her, argues with her, and then whisks Steve away to America.

Also, this is mostly a flashback to a trial Diane is put on.

I think it's fair for me to assume Earth One Wonder Woman is warped, bizarre, and full of shit, but who knows. Maybe deep down, this is a really good fanfic.

I haven't finished describing the volume yet.

Hippolyta is mad at Diane, so she awakens Medusa to bring her back just kill random people? Diane enters the 'Man's world' and is completely shocked to find it ruled by men. I guess I should also clarify that Diane is not used to a world without paradise-like standards. She gets shocked that people can die here, and after she complains about most women's weight. Later, she lifts a car to establish her authority to the military, and I will not provide more context to that. We're in the "stuff is just happening now" section. Diane literally catches a bus with sorority girls, and they give her a makeover. We see that Steve was supposed to find Themy- 'Paradise Island' for the military, but Wonder Woman walks in and offers to take over the world by demanding they submit. Also, she speaks perfect English now, because this character definitely does not need magic to even exist.

I've got to finish this description. Need to make it to the end.

Wonder Woman has a slumber party and gets makeup from Sorority girls. Medusa appears and kills random people. This does not lead to a fight scene; it's over in three pages. Steve is dead. The Amazonian war party confronts Diane and the sorority girls before they call them fat cows. Diane surrenders so her Amazonian friends don't get shot... or because she didn't want to humiliate them herself. The Trial flashbacks stop, and we are all caught up. Using the purple ray, Steve comes back to life (yes, it is a plot device that can be metaconceptually recalibrated; It conveniently works and doesn't work when needed). Steve Trevor swears he won't tell his undefined bosses about Paradise Island. Diane defeats her mother by forcing her to tell the truth, probably the most relatable thing this book has accomplished. She attempts to retire from being the queen of the island, but she can't because of... I guess not magic, so symbolism and immortality. The trial ends, Wonder Woman gets a new suit, and then she says Hola while speaking English to a crowd of townies.

When I first read this, I thought, "This single worst Wonder Woman adaptation, inspiration, or even a piece of standalone media I've ever read." But I don't want to just be a guy ragging on something without considering all angles. I'm trying to learn more about writing and art, and how to interpret them.

So, after reading it again, seeing it as a vacuum project that revives golden age Wonder Woman while not using any external interpretation... I still think it sucks. It's not vile by that metric, but it still isn't any good. The story just wanders around lost when they leave Themyscria, and they have to come back just to have something even remotely impactful or emotional happen. There are holes in the world-building so anomalously big that I wonder why the story is even set up this way, like non-magical Paradise Island, but then Medusa and Hercules.

And I obviously can't unsee the clamshells you fucking goons. Did you really think no one would notice the excessive use of clam imagery? "Oh, they're on a tropical island." Fuck off.

I think what bugs me the most is just the Themyscrians. An island nation of peace and paradise, and all I feel is spite and contempt for them. And the feelings are mutual. Snotty privilege and unrelenting hatred towards a world they certainly know doesn't have what they have. Grant Morrison turned a group of uniquely respectable Greek worshipers into fey-like, alien snobs with not an opinion or idea outside of 'we're safe here'.

I wanted to like this series. I went into it thinking, "They could only mess up if Wonder Woman doesn't do anything cool." Well, she did a number of things I can never unsee. Mostly make me twist in discomfort and yell in pure shock. Remind me how sick I am of seeing straw men and scarecrows. I expected a lot, and had to come back expecting only a little. What did they do right? What did they fuck up? Why is Steve black now, and did that actually change anything?

I suppose I can only finish the other volumes to know for sure, but this is not a strong start, and I'm scared for my sanity.

Also, the art is great, but that's still not a huge plus to me. And I think the faces look weird.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Female Furies (2019)

Why writing about Feminism isn't an "easy win"

Comic Book stories like 'Female Furies' are a reminder of why I read and watch trash all the way through. That adrenaline rush I get from being consistently pissed off from low blows, crutch tropes, and dumbass ideas makes me feel alive during these hard times. I would do anything to feel the intense rush again, even if it means I have sit through the mastaboratory fantasy of someone trying to speak for another gender. I expect the disappointment to be even greater each time in order to feel that rush again, and today, after several years of this looping behavior and finishing the FNAF 2 movie, I felt it again.

Female Furies is incredible. I've never seen so many character assasinations, retconning, or even unsalvagable canon before in my life, and I'm an MCU fan. And the dialogue? Hate-laughter is uncommon for me, especially during scenes post sexual assault. But if I were immature enough to write like this, I would also constantly insist that what I was implying was deep and introspective and not a shallow reflection of someone else's narrative. I would also use an alien comic book world to express these ideas instead of a grounded setting where literally anything or agenda I'm depicting might accurately apply.

That, and the series just really sucks in general. It keeps glossing over important events and fights, all so it can get back to... whatever the hell it's trying to push.

God, I'm going to have to go through it again, aren't I?

The story starts with Granny Goodness (that's her name) flashing back to when she and Darkseid (God of Evil) fought his mother to take over her kingdom, Apokolips. Desaad, evil wizard guy, tricks Goodness into poisoning the queen, then takes credit for killing her. This is probably the first red flag in this shitstorm, but since it was clever, I actually let it slide. Granny also interprets this as Darkseid testing her, but then she starts arguing with Darkseid's inner circle, Dasaad, Willik, and Steppenwolf. They all undermine and talk down to her. This triggers another flashback where Darkseid forces Goodness to have sex with her-

No, this isn't a exagerration, nor is it a test. I don't even care if this is the original canon; it's seriously that unbelievable and out of character. But we're not done.

- Goodness arrives late to the meeting because sex. Darkseid, presumably because of the meeting, assigns his best warrior to the orphanage duty. It's seen as demeaning by everyone, and Goodness swears revenge on all of them. When the flashback ends, we see six of the furies training under the gaze of Darkseid's inner circle.

I feel I should mention that when I said the dialogue was terrible, I mean that there hasn't been a single line of non-harassing dialogue from any of the male characters, which continues to the very last book. There are only two exceptions, and one is Darkseid, who suspiciously has the least amount of dialogue.

After the training, the furies were placed under a secondary inspection only for women. They are placed in a bake-off, an evening gown contest, and then a smiling contest. Unsurprisingly, the trained warriors failed each challenge, and Darkseid- yes, Darkseid- declares them unfit for the battlefield.

Willik shows up at the Furies' training room and requests Aurelie for special training. The Furies, apparently having no experience being women around men, are all jealous of Aurelie. We get a rather uncomfortable scene of Willik molesting someone mid-combat, and Aurelie storms out. Unfortunately, Willik threatens that he can have her demoted, so this isn't over. Barda, still operating under the strange, childish notion that Aurelie doesn't have it that bad, heads out on a mission with her to kidnap a child who wants to escape Apokolips.

It isn't explained here or strictly later, but all the characters are also under the belief that there is no meaningful life outside Apokolips. And that's relevant because, since none of these characters are evil anymore, they basically all have the same backstory of ignorance.

Anyway, a guy shows up, and after criticizing them for... objectively no reason, he tries to kiss the girl they're kidnapping. This prompts Aurelie to slit his throat, which at first I was like, FINALLY. But then I have to listen to Aurelie rationalize her actions, and then I have to listen to Barda rationalize the random guy's actions, and I just miss how the real Apokolips worked, where these dipshits aren't trying so hard to use logic and reason and fucking restraint for loyalty points instead using brute force wherever they can. This entire story literally happens because Aurelie didn't immediately kill that gee Willikers guy the moment she felt uncomfortable, and Apokolips is literally the one place where that would have been the right choice.

Anyway, that random guy was Steppenwolf's illegitimate son, so they secretly buried him in space.

And that is where the first issue ends!

If any of that seemed weird, pointless, or surprisingly related to real issues you might've face in real life but dressed in clown shoes and a funny hat, now you know I feel explaining it. I literally didn't skip anything, and the actual dialogue speaks for itself.

I can't really post more of the story here, mainly because I didn't realize just how insane describing the first issue would be. The series is too chaotic and... I could say, predictable.

It's a female empowerment story. It's a poorly made female empowerment story, so immediately after the sexual assault arc, it's about one woman's search and instantaneous obtainment of freedom, and then it's about freeing lots of women from the shackles of oppression, specifically male oppression of the patriarchy in Apokolips. Then Granny just kind of beats Darkseid somehow in like 2 pages. By the end of it all, you can feel the numbing sensation of just how unreal the story world has become, with the grounding to keep you centered on what even matters disappearing altogether.

It's honestly sad. I think stories like this tend to hurt the war against misogyny instead of helping it. I sincerely believe that if you frame a successful feminism campaign as a fantasy, a complete domineering of all your personal, disliked enemies, the unquestioned love of the one good man in your life, and the sudden, arbitrary freedom from an unexplained and unexplored cage, then you create tunnel vision. You make living in a less offensive world a literal pipe dream, one that doesn't even sound perfect on paper.

For what it's worth, I... appreciate what issues 2 and 3 were going for with the sexual assault story arc. I think it's bad that people who were in the same position as you will act like you're being dramatic. I hate that some people see someone's pain, but only feel jealousy. Aurelie, sympathetic or not, deserved better than that, and so does anyone else.

But damn, that just makes the mini-series worse. Because the only thing that even felt vaguely real was a recycled narrative take from a better-written series. What's left is a miserable slog through blunt demonization of men, characters with little to no real character outside of mother, lover, or abused, and some of the most jarring out-of-pocket scenes I've ever laid my eyes on, with or without context.

Actually, hold on. I've been told this series might be a parody on something. Let me reread the entire thing just to be sure.

...

Nope, this shit is ass. I think the "women should help women" line got old the first time it was delivered without irony.

Female Furies fail feminism; Not just at feminism. This series threw a weak bone, and now it is being canceled for implying the audience was a bitch. Even as a standalone story, it simply lacks depth. It also lacks a climax, which is how Darkseid got beaten so quickly. The one thing it did right was undermined by literally everything else: the beginning, the ending, the spontaneous and unprompted romance; literally everything. It's just a bad volume, and if DC want's to make anything female positive again, it should use this series as a 'NEVER DO' template.

It's too infuriating.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality (FanFic Novel)

What if Harry Potter were a Scientist?

Recently, while reading manga, I stumbled upon this anomaly of a series hiding online. It's apparently a Manga made from what I'm presuming is fanfiction, and hopefully a legal use of Harry Potter.

My first thought was, 'there's no way this isn't garbage,' even though I'm a sucker for science nerds exploring magic. I read through the first three chapters of the comic.

It's pretty good.

Like, I'm genuinely enjoying it; the writing, the pacing, the questions it brings up. This is a genius confronting actual magic, and now he gets to be brought to a school with magic.

I would love to say more, but sadly, the series stops at Chapter 3, and there's nothing more to show.

...

That is, until I managed to confirm that it was a fan fic novel, and that the entire story exists online, fully completed.

Here, you will find the series featuring Harry Potter yelling scientific principles, McGonagall panicking under the weight of a new troublemaker, and Professor Quirrell being weirdly badass.

So far, it's a great read. Silly, fun, and even thought-provoking. Everything I wanted and then some.

It's not perfect, it can get wordy, and I think Harry Potter is somehow slightly more the center of attention than usual.

But it hits all the right notes, and I can't help but be captivated by the premise of someone trying to scientifically investigate magic (not too much rule-bending either, just a faithful dissection of the original books).

Yet, it's weird I never heard of this. Both the Manga and the official book seem to be flying under the radar. I'm not sure why, but people just don't really seem to acknowledge it for some reason. Think about that. A Harry Potter series without an overwhelming amount of fans!

Maybe it's just early, but I thought I'd try to help spread the word. I'm not even a Fan Fiction lover, but I know a fun read when I see it. Support the artist while there's still time!

[the-things-ive-seen]

Mind Over Magic

From Klei Entertainment

...

...This is an App game.

Let me know if I'm wrong, but that trailer is unconvincing.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Rick and Morty (2023)

Local Comic book Writer does not want to write Sci-Fi in a Sci-fi series.

When I found the Rick and Morty Comics, I was actually surprised to find a number of comics revolving these beloved TV characters. And some issues were incredible standalone stories that were worth sitting down and reading for, like finally getting that weird episode you always wanted but never got to see.

With both the comics and the show still running, I hoped I could see a little bit of that strange and insane world of Rick and Morty one more time.

And then I read Rick and Morty: Rick's New Hat.

I hate this series.

It's 5 issues long, it's chaotic and wild, and it features a bunch of familiar characters. And I f*cking hate it.

The most concise reason for my displeasure with the miniseries is that the entire volume is pretty much just ten individual writing tropes bouncing and leaching off each other before ending explosively in the most generic, hamfisted, "I wrote this when I was seven" way possible.

It's genuinely hard to describe just how unimpressed I am with the series, but if you don't see that, I'll bluntly say that I think the story and art suck as well. I don't see myself as much of an art snob, but when your writing functions on a "...and then this happened, and then this happened, and then-" mentality, your frustrated scribbles made on a rushed time table don't feel like an art style, it's just crap.

I can barely find anyone talking or referring to this series outside of acknowledging it exists, and for good reason. I don't think the author could pretend to be a smart person, even if it killed them, let alone depicting any character as smart. But the studio must have thought Alex Firer was a genius, because they gave him another chance.

I really, really wanted to give this series a chance. Who doesn't want an insane science adventure with the smartest man in the universe? Twice over, no less? But if Rick's New Hat was a shit show, Rick and Morty's second running series was a wet dump in Firer's portfolio.

Characters living the same lives and Rick and Morty, Rick and Morty dying, Magic and more magic, Gods and deities, evil overlords that want to destroy Earth for no reason, and Jerry being used against Rick as his functional opposite. Not a single idea from the previous series, Rick's New Hat, the first running series, or even from other standalone specials like Presents, not a single idea isn't recycled and used here. Including the title covers for when Rick is fighting Morty.

The guy is a hack. The only thing I can congratulate him on is consistently producing random bullshit that seems vaguely interesting, but isn't connected to anything and produces no stakes. He literally had to recycle a villain from his previous work, a god who is responsible for making multiple Ricks smart to replace an earlier villain, a beaten-to-death horse 'Elon Musk is stupid' reference in Rick and Morty, who replaced an evil league of multiversal math teachers.

What makes it worse, is that they're always getting close to something fun and interesting. They're always getting close to something new that might be worth talking about or exploring, like Noelle the Morty or the Rick who doesn't love Diane.

But... I said the writing was bad, not just the story itself. I love 'Double Science' as much as the next guy, but when I said this felt like it was written by a seven-year-old, I wasn't joking. The characters have more snippy comments muttered under their breath than things they want to talk about with each other. It must have taken the editor weeks to get an actual script out of each issue when we keep getting 'Portals made of Math,' and 'infiniDogs', and 'Anti Hala'.

This leads me to my final issue with Alex Firer and most of his work in general, which seems to revolve solely around Rick and Morty. Why write for a Sci-Fi series if you don't even like writing about Sci-Fi? Rick and Morty is flexible, but the IP isn't Gods and Monsters. Alex Firer's writing style is largely writing whatever he thinks sounds cool and making shit up for sheer hilarity. Not a bad idea on the surface, but then you realize none of it ever connects to the story or the characters; it's just dozens of loose ideas that both Rick and Morty won't criticize or comment on outside of bewilderment and genuine surprise. It's not like Rick and Morty can't be fun, weird, or difficult to talk about. I was actually enjoying myself when I read the earlier comics or the show. But now? Now I feel like I'm watching someone contradict themselves in their own narrative while losing steam and trying to recycle ideas that barely worked in other series, moments before they end the entire comic with a fart joke.

As for why I even care...

In issue #7 of Rick and Morty (2023) [the second running], I stumbled across this 8-page comic short. Rick and Morty meet a future Rick who tells them that Morty will die in 8 hours, presumably through an unexplained internal explosion. Acknowledging they have a time machine, they proceed to dick around until Morty explodes, and Future Rick, exhausted by the shenanigans, tells past Rick to deal with it somehow.

These 8 pages of consistent face drawing is pure heaven compared to the literal slop I was reading at the time. I felt like I was being flash-banged by good writing, fun nonsense, and both Rick and Morty being themselves. It was great, and props to the people who wrote it.

Preceding this, an expostion dump on how Gods did things for people until humans started killing them, Noelle asking for super powers and then turning on the person who gave it to her (describing it exactly how it happens), the random cast of shuffled iconic characters from pop media raging across Earth, Rick getting his ass handed to him in 10 seconds for the 5th time, and Jerry is secretly Rick's opposite?!

Like I said before, Alex Firer is a hack. And if an 8-page story, about time travel of all subjects, is significantly better than every Rick and Morty story he's ever worked on, then I don't see why he's even working on this series to begin with. The man's a cartoonist, and I don't mean in a funny or 50's kind of way. He should be making kids' cartoons or writing edgelord murder dramas for immature anime fans.

I don't think anyone else should take him seriously, unless they want their popular long-running comic series to finish (stop) publication within twelve issues.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Tron: Ares

Disney's Tron for 2025

I managed to work up the nerve to watch this film. As someone who initially liked Tron: Legacy, before watching it a second time and finding it much harder to sit through, I was personally checked out of the Tron series as a whole.

In fact, I came into this movie thinking that films about virtual reality as a whole had largely lost the appeal they had a decade ago. Everyone had attained just barely knowledge about technology, so stories like Tron were fantastical at best, and only really good story writing would give a film the edge to ride past the ennui toward crappy puns and digital world humor. And Disney is NOT known for good writing in films.

I do like Tron: Ares, though. It's a good movie.

Please understand. I entered this movie with the lowest expectations imaginable. I was expecting dad jokes, twenty unique and forgettable side characters, and topical narratives, all covered by a never-ending techno synth bop designed to be an irritating earworm. That's Disney on a good day and Illumination in a Nutshell.

First, I should cover the plot and then, very explicitly, describe what I mean by good.

Tron Ares is about two companies competing to bring digital programs to the real world. The Dillinger corporation wants to create weapons and tools for the military, while Encom wants unlimited resources. I don't know why the movie depicts only one of those ideas as evil; they're both very complicated. They need a 'permanance code,' a magical code that allows a digitally generated object to stay alive in the real world without falling apart. Note: they aren't making it; they just need to find it somehow.

Ed Dillinger of Dillinger Systems builds an AI program to serve as a respawnable soldier, one that is expendable and can magically retain all its memories upon each death. I'm going to be saying magically a lot. Meanwhile, Encom CEO, Eve Kim, finds a base built by Flynn in a random tundra, and it just has the Permanence code, which I'm going to describe again as the digital code that allows a virtual object to exist in reality permanently. They test it with lasers and create a virtual fruit tree in this Arctic. It works, and they head straight home, no further questions or answers.

Ed D. randomly decides to hack into Encom using the Ares AI so he can check if they have the Permanence code, a code block for permanent manifestation as opposed to temporary manifestation. Ares, predictably, shows an unusual amount of empathy and curiosity for an advanced AI program, and after stealing Encom data, starts pestering Ed for answers. Ed tells him to shut up.

Ed D. now knows where Eve Kim is and that she has the Permanence code, a modification for permanent presentation, so he goes full criminal and decides to kidnap her. This leads to Ares and his partner in crime, Athena, to chase her down on their lightcycles, but they have to do it before their lack of permanence kills them, I guess. At this point, the mythical names are beginning to rub you the wrong way, but I'm personally more distracted by the idea that Dillinger programmed a black AI somehow. Like, how do you even do that? Was it intentional? This distracted me the whole movie.

The chase sequence ends with a Dillinger employee sneaking up on her, in a helicopter over the ocean, and zapping Eve Kim into the system. Eve, however, threw the maguffin in the ocean. Athena says they can extract it from Eve's memories, but it will kill her, and Ed D. hesitantly agrees to the procedure because it's not like there's another place to find a copy of the maguffin nearby.

Ares, ready to rebel, decides Ed D. sucks and Eve Kim is worth the wait. That's kind of the most accurate way to put it; Ares would get the Permanence code either way, he just needed to wait. It's an arbitrary decision, which you could argue is the point, but I'm still hesitant to agree. Eve and Ares escape the Dillinger Grid (the D Grid), steal a car, and escape to the Encom building. There's also some shoe-horned character building for Eve Kim, but it's not remotely important, to no one's surprise.

Eve says the original Permanence code, the encryption for 3d description retention, is inside Flynn's old computer systems, and they zap Ares inside of it. Athena shows up to zap Eve into the grid, but she feels water for the first time, and that distracts her long enough to clock out and disintegrate. That actually sounds like a joke, and I'll clarify that I'm dead serious. Athena, gaining sentience through the concept of touching grass, starts rebelling against Ed D., but more in an unstoppable AI sort of way than in a heroic lone hero way. She kills D.'s mom and prints an army of Tron tanks, planes, and drones.

Meanwhile, while Athena wages a literal war on the city, Ares explores the last Tron DLC update grid. He finds Old Man Flynn Hologram, and they share pretentious thoughts on the Permanence code, the program that makes you more real, literally. Ares says he has a feeling, and Flynn gives him the maguffin. He also says it will make him lose the ability to respawn, so it's like an impermanence code, and that's supposed to be the cleverest line in the movie. Seriously.

Athena manages to grab Eve Kim, but Ares shows up and fights her. Meanwhile, Encom shuts down the D Grid at Dillinger's, and that causes Athena's entire army to instantly die. Ares and Eve resolve Eve Kim's poorly designed character arc, Dillinger tries to kill himself with lasers, and Encom can literally take over the world using infinite resources and digital armies because they have the Permanence code, the maguffin that contradicts reality for anyone with a computer.

I think it's pretty clear that I don't respect this movie as a Tron sequel, reboot, or even as a standalone. I don't see the film as a font of good writing, regardless of how imitate-able it is. I don't see Tron Ares as a great film or movie.

I still like it though.

The music, the visuals, the pacing... The entire film oozes with, 'f*ck yeah, this actually looks good'; and I think I would be in pure denial if I said the story wasn't just barely good enough as a vacuum bubble narrative that made watching the entire film kickass. It's a genuinely enjoyable watch to me, and I can easily turn my brain off and think, 'damn, if the writing and direction were any good, this would be a box office hit.'

Why ii isn't a hit probably has more to do with its audience, who spent a full decade waiting for a film that worked smarter, not harder. I'm not a fan of legacy, but I can at least agree it knew what it was talking about, and it had waaaaaaay more respect for the Tron series as a whole than this one-note AI respects humanity story.

As for what this means for the Tron series as a whole... I'd probably give up now.

Tron is about the real world being reflected in the digital world, as humans apparently created a literal system of command and order inside a machine. Metaphors are for people who don't improvise a script completely at the last minute to appeal to investors or topical issues. Since Disney owns the Tron series, and Tron Ares is a sequel project meant to be released in 2015, I think the only thing new that will come on the Tron front is either a free-range TV comedy or a full Tron reboot.

Lastly, the claims about the film being made for the promotion of AI are... complicated. I don't think it's wrong to say this movie was primarily redesigned and finished this year for the sake of pushing AI products before the economic bubble bursts, but like... This movie is not about AI. Have you watched this film? I'm watching a bunch of humans in glowy armor make irrational decisions and f*ck up in real time. Either I don't know what AI stories look like, or Disney doesn't, and I actually like this movie. So when I say 'AI really works, I swear' or that 'Advanced Intelligence is super cool and profitable' is not the message of Tron: Ares, I'm not defending Disney, I think they're too stupid to even make subtle advertising now.

In conclusion, Tron: Ares was a fun watch for me, and I personally enjoyed it. Clearly, I don't respect it as a legitimate Tron sequel or even a standalone, now that I'm reading my given summary again. But I think it works for what it is, an action movie that makes video games invading reality look really cool. And that means Pixels is no longer the film people point to when saying that, but Ares doesn't supersede the Super Mario Movie in that regard. So, overall, worth the wait.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Legion of Super-Heroes

DC hates Supergirl

For starters, I would like to clarify that this isn't the film that proves DC hates Supergirl, not with the greatest certainty. This film treats her like a tedious side character, but I think Crisis on Infinite Earths is more recent and effective proof of this, while this movie is more along the lines of strong supporting evidence.

As for the film itself, it is lame. Not exactly offensive or too frustrating, it's just a dull and mediocre film that is made significantly worse by Supergirl's role and performance. I was wondering why people don't talk about it, and now I know. It is genuinely that forgettable and easy to ignore.

The story, in a nutshell, is a high school drama/heist movie / 3 hours of blunt foreshadowing. Kara, aka Super blonde girl, crash lands on Earth and is adopted by Superman, despite technically being older than him. After a classic superhero encounter, Kara refuses to apologize for destroying someone's house, so Superman banishes her to the future where she can attend a high school for superheroes. She meets a clone of Brainiac, a known supervillain of Superman, and again, blunt foreshadowing. She joins a group of oddball students, she does barely well at school, she hates that Brainiac clone who rivals her, she finds this random guy really hot. The high school bullcrap really just drags on.

Meanwhile, in the past, Batman finds out that the people responsible for that superhero encounter earlier did a thing before killing themselves. Batman walks away as a foreshadow lingers on the thing they did. Anyway, the Brainiac clone gets arrested because after 1000 years, they just noticed he looks like that old super villain, Brainiac! He mentions how there is a miracle wishing machine on campus, and the original Brainiac would do anything or turn anybody to access that wishing machine. Clone Brainiac finds something suspicious going on in a secret vault on campus and asks Supergirl and that hot guy who definitely isn't a white supremacist to help them out. After breaking into the vault, the hot guy betrays Kara because he actually is a white supremacist, and he wanted to help the original Brainiac get the wishing machine! Brainiac worshipers show up on campus, and everything is on lockdown. Kara and Brainiac are captured before the oddball students free them from captivity. They help fight the really weird people from the superhero encounter at the beginning of the film, who spent literally 1000 years waiting for this plan to work. The clone Brainiac and Kara reach the original Brainiac, who now calls himself Brainiac 5 because he is made up of 5 clones. They barely fight, lose, and the clone Brainiac convinces Brainiac 5 to kill himself, as some teenagers do. Then Kara gets one scene to pretend this is her movie by fighting the white supremacist guy, wins via plot armor, and then a literal army of superheroes shows up just as everything is over.

Then the movie ends with Kara banging the clone Brainiac, who decided to change their name to Brainiac 5 for some horrible reason. And then the film ends with a teaser for a completely different movie, like, not even a sequel, just a different film entirely.

This movie looks horrible. Not just the story, the visuals. I would say that whenever the characters aren't moving or when a scene is dedicated to animated violence and motion, it looks good. Every other moment? Stiff. Still images and frozen backgrounds. Stark colors and painted green screens. My main gripe with film isn't the visuals, but I would be remiss if I didn't point out that this film is a little shit in its animation despite being good at art. It's acceptable under normal circumstances, sure, but I hate seeing people defend the animation when it's just okay.

Speaking of okay, does anyone want to tell me what the fuck is going on with this movie's use of suicide? This is a 2023 project, and every death has been suicidal. Every single one (I don't know if Triplicate Girl's death counts as being dead. Maybe half-dead?). There's clearly something going on in the writer's room that is screaming 'not okay' if this film is released without a single red flag. This is really weird.

Okay, onto the characters. Hooboy.

First, the main character. Brainiac 5 is kind of generic. I was kind of hoping for some commitment to the weird smart kid angle. But I guess I have to blame the movie for not fleshing out the future world enough for the clone kid to have a personality outside of "my dad cloned me for his evil schemes." Ultimately, he ends up being the token smart person, and he spends the film solving random problems that crop up and progressing the plot single-handedly, all while being really annoying about it. I think he would've made for a decent protagonist if the movie wasn't obsessed with trying to make the High school stuff central to the film somehow.

Then there's Kara, Supergirl. My genuine opinion is that they should've just removed her from the plot. As the film goes on, it becomes increasingly clear that they didn't want to write for her. Whether that's because they didn't know how to write a Superman character or a woman character, I won't know for sure until I double-check the comic wiki. If it's the latter, I don't know why they didn't use Superboy, Superman's son, who was supposed to be in the Legion of Superheroes. I didn't even know that much about the Tomorrowverse until this movie, and I realised that a shitload of popular heroes aren't here. You know who is in this movie, though? Superman, and Brainiac, and Brainiac again, and a Superman doppleganger who is evil, and also Batman for no particular reason. All characters who would artificially boost the popularity of a film by being here, the same way Supergirl can.

Oh shoot, I forgot to talk about her character. Well, I can just squeeze 'awkward high school blonde girl' and people will at least recognize the template and stop asking questions.

Mon-rel is a white supremacist. Not really much to describe here either. He's a generic betrayl character. He acts really nice, says some sus things about superiority and good genetics. Then he stabs you in the back and starts going on about justified genocides. He's honestly pretty hollow, just like a real supremacist.

Brainiac's evil plan is stupid. I don't have to dissect why planning for your own death hundreds of years in the future and betting that a wishing contraption will resolve everything is a stupid idea. I do however, need to explain why this was the best they come up with. See, the legion of superheroes, year 3000, is a shitty future world movie. Like, 1950s people assuming public space travel would be here in 20 years stupid. At least those guys had creativity on their side. The legion's high school looks like a crappy Tech institute for hologram nerds. And their modern security appears to be equally rancid, considering how quickly they got taken over. Who would've thought the future wouldn't have better cameras? It's a movie that prioritizes its own antiquated high school bullcrap over basic world-building. It really sucks, because any superhero movie can bring out ridiculous advanced technology or overpowered characters that can do anything for the sake of the plot, but this movie, which takes place in a future where those things and people can be extremely common, decides to just remove all those aspects and make that same exact story they read once in a young adult bargain bin comic.

And now the question of the hour.

Is Legion of Superheroes sexist? That was my initial takeaway when I finished watching the movie. I kind of thought that Kara would eventually do something kick-ass during the film, but I guess fighting people before and after the main plot actually matters can really be the best I could hope for. Watching this film made me realise I'd never actually seen Supergirl do anything important in a movie before. She's just that Superman character who is a girl and whines too much. This movie isn't too different. She hits things really hard instead of using her head, and she kisses boys that she likes because the plot says so. When important thing are happening, you can see her in the corner, standing in silence or on the floor unconscious. I get the scary feeling that no one has ever wanted to be or imagined themselves as Supergirl in the past decades because they don't imagine her as powerful or incredible, just Superman's weird cousin. That's kind of depressing, because I don't even read enough DC comics to refute that basic perception.

I would probably say the movie isn't intentionally being degrading toward women; it just does it really easily. Weird, that doesn't really sound better. Whatever, sounds like a DC problem.

Basically, Legion of Superheroes sucks because it doesn't fulfill any expectations and comes off as a really dull movie. The foreshadowing made me predict plot points literal hours before they happened. Kara isn't the main character, and I had to sit through 30 minutes of generic Ender's Game High School shenanigans to notice that. This film's starpower is so weak that I'm amazed anyone can call this Tomorrowverse film when it's too busy being an Arrowverse exclusive with Superman and Batman guest-starring. I can't make it clear enough that this series is some of DC's weakest work, and for a series that could've been vital for Supergirl fans, that's actually a huge black mark.

Luckily, no one saw the film or has anything to say about. Like, next to nobody. Huge unrelated problem here. This legion has no people fighting for it.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Sideways - DC Volume

The Superhero who didn't go anywhere.

Sideways is a new Superhero created in 2018 during DC's development of the Dark Multiverse. He is an adopted teenager named Derek James who can create portals and can travel to far out dimensions in the blink of an eye. His reinforced body and space rifts allow him to confront many types of dangers, strangers, and anomalies that he wouldn't even understand on a normal basis. He's like Spiderman via teleportation powers.

So, what's my problem with this guy?

Nothing.

At first, I was pretty irritated by the fact that this Sideways volume was filled with anticlimaxes. There had been so much buildup, only for the story to sidestep these issues completely. I was frustrated and wanted to crap on it for that. But after rereading, I kind of realize its not that bad. It's definitely distracting, but the story mostly tries to focus on Derek's feelings and perspective on the situation. I can claim that some things are left unresolved, or I can say that Derek has no thoughts on facing them again. It can be one or the other.

At worst, I'm just not a fan of the series, but I can't even say that I hate it or don't like it. It's just an underwhelming volume that goes to weird places.

So Sideways (2018) isn't so bad. What's even the takeaway?

Well, I discovered that characters like Sideways are being shelved these days. According to the wiki for DC, Sideways hasn't had new appearance since Young Justice, one of the worst-performing comics apparently. I would think a character like Derek would at least be cameo-ing in and out of stories like crazy. He's just to useful and relatable to be forgotten like this.

Then I realized Sideways is basically an America Chavez clone. Can hop through time and space, dead parents, malfunctioning powers, frequently talks to gods and demons. Not really the most original thing created by DC.

But is this a good reason to trash him? Because he's a clone of a different property? Because he's overpowered, or a teenager? Or is the priority of the company lying elsewhere? Sideways is an interesting character with boatloads of potential both in personality and design. And I'm left wondering why he's received no new volumes, team-ups, or anything.

I don't know the whole story, so I'll stop here. I hope I do learn about it one day, so I can see Sideways again.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Jumanji; The Next Level

"You can't turn a Video Game into a Movie." -Every Director

I'm going to practice making these short, if only so I don't have to rewatch the movie to clarify my opinions.

I like Jumanji: Into the Jungle because it was a fun story that I thought was trying to reinvent the cursed board game genre. Between Ouiji the movie 2 and (ugh) Truth or Dare, I'd rather watch a stupid action flick turning the comedy live action movie Jumanji into a live action comedy movie called Jumanji... but in a jungle.

The first movie was humorous and entertaining to watch. It felt like a harmless rebirth and even a potential ending to the series as a whole. But popular movies rarely do survive being given a sequel. And what was once a fun and wild game of survival became an inconsistent slog without even a small amount of morality.

I guess I'll start by saying this: PLAY A FUCKING VIDEO GAME FOR ONCE. Like, actually sit down and play a video game, beginning to end, without looking for the fastest way to end the game. Only then would it be even remotely valid for you to make a movie about a video game. I just don't get it. I know that making a film incorporate videogame elements is hard. But if you can't do it at all, then why would you choose to work on a game movie in the first place? That would be as stupid as working on a movie about trans people without knowing or even liking trans people.

That probably sounded weirdly specific, right, Jacques Audiard?

Anyway, The Next Level starts with the nerd boy. I don't know their names and I don't have to. Their game avatars are more memorable, both their actors and names. Nerd boy, previously known as Brave Heart, misses being a brave heart. So he... repairs the game cartridge/console that contains Jumanji? I still don't know whether the director, writer, or even the prop master was aware that the cartridge contains game, not the console. Whatever, his friends notice and get sucked into the game. But the game is glitching, so visiting nerd boy and jock boy grandpas get sucked into the game too. somehow.

We are going to be hearing "the game is glitching" a lot, and it is never as interesting as I would hope it would be.

Everybody becomes a different avatar than they were in the first film. Nerd boy becomes Ming Fleetfoot. Jock boy becomes Professor Jack Black. Lisa Simp becomes Ruby Roundhouse. Elder Nerd boy becomes Brave Heart. Elder Jock boy becomes Kevin 'mouse' Hart. I am not obligated to remember all their names, this movie is NOT demanding that much brain power, as we will soon see.

Although I suppose we won't see, since this is the point where I shorten my summary. Everyone wants to find Nerd Boy. A cutscene plays for them where we see Jumanji has cooked up a brand new playthrough for them, an entirely different story. This time, they need to defeat a man who has a blimp, who is unique in the fact that he has a blimp. After that, shenanigans unfold as the group travels through a desert. Then they find Nerd Boy in the desert Bazaar as Ming Fleetfoot, a cartoon character played by Awkwafina.

The main villain shows up, so we remember that he's supposed to be a part of the movie. Before they get themselves killed, they find some water that switches their avatars. Why? The game is glitching obviously. You think they wouldn't use a forgotten plot device to prevent themselves from being written into a corner? Next, you'll say they brought Jack Black because they thought people wouldn't recognize him. Bethany and the alternate timeline guy show to save everyone as Plane Person Pilot and a Literal Horse. Why are they able to show up when there should be no more characters available? Duh, the game's glitching. Keep up.

So everyone's pissed about not being in the avatars they wanted. So they throw themselves into the electric glitch water. This puts everyone back in the bodies they want, and their grandpas are a horse and Awkwafina. With everything perfect, they fight some monkeys on hundreds of twisting rope bridges, probably the first actual video game environment, then they pick a fight with a castle of soldiers without guns, and they fight the main villain on top of his blimp. One really weird ass pull later, everyone can leave the game.

But one of the grandpas doesn't want to leave, because in this world, they have a better body and all this cool shit to explore. And in a better movie, that grandpa would admit that living a reality with a family that loves and respects you is better than a simulated world that is only interested in killing you with the cheapest move possible. But this is Jumanji: The Next Level, and consequence-free escapism is always better than reality, or even a resolution to your shitty plot.

Anyway, the movie ends with Jumanji being a complete nuisance to everyone and anyone who even dares glance in its direction, showing that responsibility is the last meaningful, purely optional step in character growth, especially for people like Nerd boy.

I don't like this movie. Admittedly, I am reluctant to say that I hate it, but I really don't like it. It's like if the person who made the first Jumanji decided that it would be funny if some little kid scribbled on the rules board and everyone had to follow those rules. Sure, that concept works, and the idea sounds hilarious, but without any real execution to make the idea work, it just becomes an empty excuse for dumb shit to happen. Like, you and I both know Jumanji is supposed to be based on real-world Jungle facts. Ostriches CAN split you in half; in Australia, they won a war against humans! So why does the movie end with a flying horse? Why is this movie so human-centric, with few wild animals or threats? When did Jumanji become a freaking desert complemented by rolling hills and a mountain? The game is glitching, you fucking moron. There's not supposed to be an explanation. You get to sit down and watch 4-6 popular comedians dick around in funny hats and poor people's clothes. And personally, I did enjoy the actor's work. But the story still sucks, and I feel like even the smallest attempt to make this movie make sense in a fun, chaotic way was ignored to make it feel familiar to the first film.

Which leads to my biggest issue with this series in general. Why does it not feel like a game? I feel like I'm watching a crappy action movie. What happened to the video game part? The game exploits, the searching for power-ups, and even a fun video game joke now and then. I don't remember there being a huge emphasis on any of that. It was just... erased.

As a Scott Pilgrim fan, I don't support this movie. It uses the appeal of video games to lure people into its net, and I find that somewhat irritating. Still, I think some people would enjoy it for what it is and mainly it's humor. I agree that I got a kick out of it before it became too hard to enjoy. It really isn't my playstyle.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Scoob!

Scoob! Disappointment in Nostalgia.

Scoob was, and this has changed rather recently due to my increased experience with movies, Scoob was the single worst movie I had ever seen in my life, and I'm one of the very few teenagers who sat through the entirety of Eragon the Movie.

I have a few issues with most Scooby Doo Films, but I've never sat through something so shameless and hollow, at least before watching Velma. The trailer convinced me that I was going to be dealing with some unprovoked retconning and unnecessary superhero antics, but I didn't mind at first. If the film was decent, I could at least call it a good business decision. I realize now, though, that they were literally tacked on with no purpose, shoe-horned into a sillier, half-baked scheme that was filled with writers who had cornered themselves on multiple occasions. Sweet lord. At least the 'Sponge Out of Water' team made the movie first. They didn't stop trying halfway through the film (they stopped trying halfway through the CGI section, but semantics).

I seriously can't believe this is the movie they thought would be the beginning of a franchise.

Scoob starts with the Scooby doo gang talking about how Shaggy Rogers and Scooby Doo are useless, like every movie. Suddenly, those two specifically are attacked by robots, before being rescued by the Blue Falcon: Next Gen. The superhero and this dog and civilian travel around the world looking for dog skulls. They fail multiple times and prove that incompetent people can only do things incompetently. Scooby Doo and Shaggy have a falling out because the dog took off his collar necklace for ten minutes, and the studio can't tell the difference between a man-dog friendship and a toxic bdsm relationship.

I kind of want to go into more detail, but I would just describing things that don't really affect the course of the movie. Like, can you really not guess what happens next? Because of the argument, Scooby gets kidnapped. The villain finds what he needs, so the heroes find it moments afterwards. A thing happens that serves as a climactic battle despite not being a climactic battle. The main characters resolve their issues that made them feel kind of bad at the beginning. A sacrifice is made that is almost immediately undone.

It really is that kind of movie. If you thought it started off strong, you would have basically stopped paying attention by the finale. Name one thing from the flashbacks, plural, that actually came back into the film. And a magical dog collar that never needs to be replaced doesn't count.

No, I didn't forget Fred, Daphne, and Velma. They play no real role in the film. I knew from the moment they were driving on a highway road, playing catch-up to the main plot, that they wouldn't even serve a supporting role to the story. They're here to pretend they were a part of the film and spread around the sparse humor the movie has so little of. I feel no need to describe their characters.

Scooby and Shaggy are kind of...dull. Maybe this is an issue for most iterations of both characters, but I don't feel like they contribute anything to the film other than a generic degree of humor or forced drama and tension. It's almost as if someone took two codependent comic relief characters and made a movie about them, while making anyone who was serious or focused a supporting character, forced into dragging the plot forward whenever the movie gets distracted. Seems unlikely though, only a complete idiot would try to make an animated talking dog an emotionally sympathetic character, and somehow still fail after trying so hard.

Blue Falcon is a Superhero from an ancient TV show and comic series that is owned by Hanna-Barbera. They appear in multiple cameos in Scooby Doo and other Hanna-Barbera properties. The studio keeps trying to bring this guy back to life and stir interest in him. He's like a parasite, sneaking into IPs and Network shows. Especially here, he's like a suffocating interpretation of what a "kids these days" might be like as a glamour-obsessed superhero. Luckily, I was never able to pay attention to him for very long. He's an annoying eyesore who does everything in his power to drag attention of the movie onto him, even putting Scooby Doo and Shaggy, the main characters, to the side as much as possible so the film can focus on his voice. Yet somehow, I found myself taking as many opportunities to ignore him as I could. I guess I found the "modern generation sucks" cliche so copy and paste that I could actively tune it out as I waited for Blue Falcon's scene chewing to end. The franchise found a way to make Blue Falcon as unbearable and unmemorable as possible by turning him into a spiteful message from elderly people too pissy about the existence of cellphones.

I think the funniest thing is that Blue Falcon's not even the star of any of the stuff he's in; the dog is. Dynomutt, Dog Wonder is the name of the show they both appeared. He is, as you might've guessed, a dog wonder. A terrifying cyborg animal with go-go-gadget powers. A joker with relentless creativity and iron will. At some point though, I guess people forgot what Dynomutt was like and decided that, not just for this movie but other properties as well, that Blue Falcon should be the funny one and Dynomutt is the guy cleaning up after him. I suppose that's why my thoughts on him are that he's weirdly dry. He's someone capable of so much... but all we do is see him babysitting the team. At least I like the scenes where he fights, as few far between they are.

I had to Google this; her name is Dee Dee Skyes. She showed up in the show Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels, and has a character cameo in this movie. I don't really know what to say about Dee Dee. She's a walking cliche of the "smart woman who takes care everyone and does all the work but isn't appreciated for her work but still worked for them out a misguided sense of passion even though she could probably serve as the leader of the group since she can do most of the work and delegate with little effort," I was mostly wondering how they convinced themselves having token black person working in this cliche would make the movie "better." I guess in the end, instead of making a cameo more complete and hiring actors for Taffy Dare and Brenda Chance, it's clearly better to meet a quota and tell people you were making a reference to a show property no one remembers.

As for the Hanna Barbera Cinematic Universe, all those characters who were showing up left and right, Dick Dastardly serving as the main villain, just so he could rescue his own dog. You know how I feel about that?

I love it.

I was so invested. I wanted that shit more than you can believe. Multiple cartoon characters from my childhood, in great animation, going on insane adventures? That's the cartoonist's dream. But corporate doesn't tolerate failure, Scoob. And this film isn't mid. It's a complete letdown. Not one redeeming thing for the entire film. No climaxes that shook the theater, emotions that ran dry by the third act, not a single Simon Cowell guest star appearance worth its money spent. Just the drab, the dull, and the bargain bin.

Scoob isn't the worst movie I've ever watched, but damn if I didn't watch the film make every wrong turn until it completely gave up. Note: I just found out the director is a Chris Columbus, who made a traveling movie that ultimately bombed; That's amazing. It's just so predictable, I literally cannot describe why you should watch this movie instead of another one. It looks good I guess? You can follow the story regardless of whether you're paying attention or not. It's not about Scooby Doo, so it's up to you whether that's a plus or not. You really can't miss anything if you watch this... And that's actually a shame, because we do miss out on something. A cinematic universe of weird cartoon characters messing around. But I also have to face reality. Marvel isn't exactly doing too hot these days, with more miss than hit. I don't think a more disconnected franchise involving the people who made this travesty would make me excited, it would just depress me.

Just as well. Cartoon movies about cartoons that children have never seen is kind of a bad idea on its surface. Superheroes work because there are thousands of those comics, and they're still running today. Studios only do cinematic universes to reinforce their weakening brands, and this one was mostly name drops.

Sorry Scoob, but there's no mystery here.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Straight outta nowhere: Scooby-Doo meets Courage the Cowardly Dog

The film that made me hate Scooby Doo movies.

I'm going to make this quick, since I have a longer post planned.

I personally did not like this movie. I thought it was an inadequate story for both Scooby Doo and Courage the Cowardly dog.

I wanted to like the film, but as the story kept going, it became harder to just enjoy it for what it was. It felt like I was watching one TV series be dismantled and sacrifriced for a dwindling franchise.

I think the worst part was realising that the formula for scooby doo movies hadn't even changed with this film. You would think the mystery gang being inside the weirdest cartoon network series on television would be more... daring. Maybe even incredible. But it's somehow just the same as always. Some special guest stars are hiding in a suit scaring people, there's money or a power source to be stolen or used, all weird shit comes from one source.

I really hate that cliche too. Everything in Courage the Cowardly Dog is apparently the result of magical meteorite that makes things weird. Space aliens? Ancient Gods? Foreigners from different countries? Not real, just a weird space stone.

I recall seeing the box art and flinching. I couldn't escape the feeling, just from seeing the title cover, that this film was a disappointment in the making. Something polished for the purpose of selling. As someone who was looking forward to this crossover, I swallowed that fear, and charged in, hoping for good results.

At least my skepticism wasn't outta nowehere.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Cool World

'Drove me up a wall' World

Oh my god.

When I heard there was another film mixing 2d Warner bros animation and live action performance, I was pretty interested but uncertain how to watch it. I then heard some shit being talked about the film, and that definitely peaked my interest. Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but really bad? That was a must see.

Fuck me for being curious.

Cool World is, for the lack of a better description, one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life, and I had to watch Seth Green complain about his black girlfriend's racist dad while attempting to ride a higher horse. I've never seen a movie fail so utterly in execution like this, it truly trumps every other bad movie I've watched in years.

Once again, I can't easily describe the plot, because I would spend too much time backtracking trying to overexplain every unmentioned detail or plot hole or god knows what they were thinking when they wrote this.

Basically, some Frank man gets sent to Cool World, a random cartoon universe that drags people into it randomly, but recently, starting specifically with Frank. Later, some Jack off pretending to be a cartoonist starts slipping into and out of Cool World, because the plot says so. He meets Holli Would, someone we will all hate later, and the Frank guy, who is now a police officer who stops people from having sex.

This Jack has sex with Holli, they both leave Cool World, and they start glitching. Holli Would decides to go for a poorly described plot device and goes full antagonist. She ditches the Jack and ends up at the casino, where the plot device is apparently? The Jack and Frank team up to become one Dick, and this kind chauffer lady drives them to Holli because the plot needs this wrapped up.

How do I describe this last part? I'm already skimping details so we can focus on "the plot," but this last section is nothing but a rushed draft. Holli kills this Frank character, that Jack from earlier decides to stop Holli, but fails. She gets the plot device, which causes Cool World to spill into the real world. That Jack becomes a cartoon, and despite still being a deeply unlikable Jack, saves the day. That Frank guy who died comes back to life as a cartoon named Frank, and can finally have sex with his girlfriend. The cartoon Jack named Deebs and Holli Would are trapped in some still image world for unexplained plot device reasons. The movie ends. I die a little inside.

The characters in this movie are an eyesore. They all go from partially understandable and relatable to painfully annoying and cruel. I think Nails, Frank's police partner, is probably the only character I actually like to any degree. Granted, a comic relief cartoon character with no pressure to change or grow, too little time in the spotlight, and is genuinely seen by every character in the film as a meaningless annoyance, I think the authors probably believed Nails was a hindrance to the film and not the last thing keeping it afloat.

I also liked Frank. I think it's hilarious that this guy is treated like a supporting character with no ability to truly prevent the events in the film. He's a nice guy and would make for a better story as the focus rather than the guy playing catchup. Of course, I mean all of this in a vacuum. Frank might be an interesting guy, compared to everyone else in the film, but he's also way too abrasive and dramatic. He treats everyone around him like shit and he's shocked they don't trust him. I say he's nice because I kind of like how he give everyone chances and offers olive branches, but he still refuses to acknowledge or deal with long term problems. Like, this could of all been prevented if he talked to these people or even thought for a second about the impact he has on others. Still, Frank is the most interesting character in the film and the closest to being fully fleshed out.

I hate Jack Deebs... is what I would say if I didn't just really dislike Jack Deebs. After watching the entire film, I would say that Jack Deebs is a Self-insert character, and not the Harry Potter type. I mean the "I made a movie where I have sex with a character I made" type of self insert. Jack's character is defined as someone with low impluse control, makes bad decisions, just flat out doesn't care about the consequences until they affect him. Then he gets a chance to turn it all around and make decisions that literally save the world. Personally, the depiction of Jack is different then the one probably intended. I see a cartoonist who murdered someone but was able to keep his job after being sent to prison and leaving. I see an author who can find a comic book store filled with his work with loyal fans begging for autographs. I see a slack-jawed simp getting a lap dance from a woman he personally should know better than anyone else, but doesn't see through her schemes. I see a Jack Deebs who envisions himself as a superhero because there was literally noone else able to do the right thing.

(Frank dies by this point.)

Anyway, Jack Deebs sucks because despite the implication that he's a loser that caused this whole mess to begin with, the movie depicts him as an average joe who just got a little in over his head. All this made significantly worse by the ending, since Frank and Jack become cartoon characters in the end, suggesting that using personal growth to deal with reality isn't realistic. Instead, you should warp everyone's lives with your selfish bullshit. Be like Jack and upend everything because you wanted a good time, or be like Frank and enforce rules needed for problems you created. As long as you're happy, it doesn't matter if someone else isn't. And if don't believe me, than watch that scene at the end with Super Jack and tell me if Holli Would is all smiles.

Speaking of which, Holli Would. Probably one of, objectively, the worst Antagonist I've ever watched. I'm refering to her execution, her motivations, goals, etc. Inanimate objects have more consistent priorites. I swear, it's like they kept arguing over what role she would have in the movie while filming. One minute she wants to be a star that conquers Las Vegas. The next, she just wants to be real, really real. Then she wants the spike so she can stay real. But then, and this really confused me, she suddenly likes being a cartoon and is okay with reality melting into a Cool World mess? I think if you read the script, you'll find 'crazy bitch' written down several times without context.

I'll admit, I had expectations during Holli Would's story arc. I thought she would hate the real world. I thought maybe feel at home, being the only human and all. Hell, I thought she would be pregnant and that's why she was suddenly real. But the person who wrote this movie? That person should have 'crazy bitch' written on their name tag. Holli Would's story isn't an arc, it's a zig zag of shifting character motivations. And fuck you if you think it's intentional. Murdering someone for a chance to live in a world with consequences is something Holli would do? No, that's what a 'crazy bitch' would pull.

I'm a little sad to say that's all I can speak about her character. Frank's girlfriend, Lonette, also has very little offer in personality other than 'misses Frank' or 'horny for Frank'. I think now's the time I should talk about that whole sex policing thing Frank was doing.

So... in Cool World, when you have sex with a real person, a cartoon can become a real person too.

...

I'm trying to think of how to say this, so bare with me.

Holli Would and Lonette are as designed as 'human shaped' for a reason. They're like that so you can think 'oh man, it's unfair that they can't fuck' and wonder what nonsense the film will use to get around that rule. Strangely, the film also never says why having sex will affect a cartoon this way. But when you watch Holli Would seduce Jack Deebs, you can kind of catch on what's being implied through subtext. See, Holli has never had sex with a real man before, because Frank polices that shit. While I don't know if this means she's a virgin, its suggesting that shes a virgin towards real people...

When Holli loses her virginity to Jack Deebs, she became a Real Woman.

It was upon hitting this realisation that I became convinced that this film is dead serious about every stupid thing it implies, references, and it's messages. This isn't a movie trying to squeeze some fun out of it's audience. It's a movie trying to be a dark and edgy comedy under the written gaze of an incel. It's a joke, probably. It sounds a joke. Yet, with the movie like this? Centering your enter film around an inevitably dated joke? Yeah, no wonder everyone hates it.

Well, that and the animation suck. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? is older than this film. How can this movie have such shittier animation decisions, screening, and placing? Don't get me wrong, the art is amazing. Down right beautiful, even. Cool World looks like a Looney Tunes universe high off it's own supply and crashing hard. Everything else though? A struggle to look at. Half of the background animations don't even look like they're in the same dimension as the other animations, or the background for that matter. It's like someone placed a green screen behind another green screen. The actors can barely interact with characters without overlap, so why do they keep trying to touch each other? And it's a goddamn nightmare watching the Cool World scenes for any length of time because, as a stroke of ungenious, cartoons pop in and out for the foreground every few seconds, occupying the screen, blocking the main characters. Full audio cartoon shenaningans obscuring and even detracting conversations from the main cast, at almost every opportunity. You can't even enjoy this movie passively, because one spontaneous wolf whistle too many is the distraction you didn't need before rewinding.

Look, Roger Rabbit is a miracle of cinema. Asking someone to recreate that, even a little, is monumental task that would take all the money, budget, and cinematography skill and experience to make it work. Which is why you shouldn't do it. In fact, I remember why I hesistated on watching this back then. I knew that a film like this could only be made in arrogance, considering it was made after Who Framed Roger Rabbit debuted. It couldn't compare and I wasn't going to spend money hoping it was.

God, does it not compare.

Cool World is unbelievable. The plot hops between almost making sense and not trying at all. It looks beautiful when nothing is moving, an ironic criticism for an animated movie. I hate every character, not with a passion, but with dismissive disappointment. I think the movie gets way to obsessed with sex whenever Holli or Lonette is on screen, and it's depiction (intepretation?) of women over is... telling, to say the least for the author. The film's best moments are small and over quick with next to no impact. I used to think of Cool World as the poor man's W.F. Roger Rabbit, now I know better. Cool World is a failure trying to fill the shoes of a bigger and better movie, in an era where a dark perception of cartoons could thrive, but the film still died on the Hollywood sidewalk, leaving us unimpressed and severely uninterested in the story as a whole.

[the-things-ive-seen]

The Door Within Trilogy

My first encounter with Bible Fanfic

If the subtitle didn't give it away, Wayne T Baston wrote a fictional book series about a kid getting isekai'd to a magical medieval world with knights and magic. Except all of his books are a bit heavy-handed with religious symbolism and catholic insertion. Imagine my surprise halfway into reading the first book when I heard how the hero's primary goal when he got home was to spread the story of his adventures in fantasy land and to express the importance of the magical king of the ethereal and the evil, cunning prince of darkness. I had to smack my face several times with my palm when I realized they weren't talking about a literal prince or king.

If you're an expert on 'bible fanatics preaching through fiction' then you can guess how the story ends. Here's a hint. All the important people die but are resurrected and take everyone into 'the kingdom of light', except the bad people who sided with the prince who, and I'm not paraphrasing, burn with him in suffering forever.

It's genuinely hilarious and it never stops.

All this is to say that I loved reading the series. Blatantly religious to the point of ludicrous, true without a doubt. But hamfisted it is not. It's a really enjoyable adventure featuring the Aidan, charming 13 year protagonist, his friends Antionette and Robby, and his brothers in arms, Nock, Mallick, and the rest. They fight against an evil entity that actually is undermining them in every way it can.

I liked the doppelganger aspect of the story like how Aiden has an Aelic and Antionette has a Gwenne. Well, I did until the sequels. Stuff like universal doppelgangers always ends up being a shaky worldbuilding device, and it just became this way to separate the believers from the nonbelievers. It's not a Christian story unless you're separating random people into groups and pitting them against each other. For what it's worth, it was a pretty neat idea, making Aelic be a reflection of what Aidan could become with effort and work. But in later series, the bad guys can disguise themselves to look like good guys... and there's a lot to dissect here about people pretending to be religious good guys just to get closer to you.

As for this being my first Christian fanfic experience, I realize that this is both an exaggeration and not even true. For starters, I'm pretty sure every veggie tale episode I've seen counts as bible fanfic, I've been watching movies, reading comics, and even writing stuff like that for years now. So heads up if you're making a series about angels in demons; You are in the broader fanfiction territory now, and you can't say otherwise. I find The Door Within to be a particular stand out because... it's actually well-made?

Most series 'taking inspiration' from the bible expect you to know how it all works. Heaven and angels are ultimately good, Demons, hell, burning, and suffering are ultimately bad. Parodies are made where the positions are reversed, demons good, angels bad. Noah built a boat because a voice in his head told him to. Moses is not a wizard, he just behaves like one. Etcetera, Etc.

I feel like The Door Within took an extra step in trying to make sense of all that and put it all into the story based off of catholicism but not dependent on you knowing catholicism. And it's an actual story with action and cool characters with cool scenes. So despite everything, despite actively holding back tears while reading the book's finale, I find the series genuinely interesting and I would even recommend reading it.

Who cares about all that though? This is the same guy who made a book about Pirates going on a treasure hunt for the nails of Jesus christ. I definitely recommend that one.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Agents of the Glass #1 A New Recruit

Weird Old YA novel

This series was a fun read I had back in my teenage years. I was older then the demographic the series was intended, but I still enjoyed the series and thought it was fun. I was disappointed when no sequel was available and I pretty much forgot about it until now.

For context, the story is about a very nice and kind boy, who is not selfish in any way, being recruited by an organization that tracks people with good moral compasses and bad moral compasses, so he can save his friend and school, who bad moral compass people are brainwashing into being very selfish and self-centered and a little emo, from literal brainwashing.

I'm... trying not to skimp out on details. Andover (Andy) has a puppy that helps him on the mystery adventure. The glass he uses to find good and bad people is magical or something. He saves the school by breaking a disco ball. It's all very stupid in a genuinely enjoyable and fun way.

The reason I find myself talking about it is because the series reminds me about how much I've changed. The entire premise is that good people make good decisions and that you should do kind things without expectations or rewards. That everything would be better if everyone had a 'good' moral compass.

Man, that used to be an ideal way to see everything.

This is my current view of the world. Everyone is selfish, and not because they want to be, but because humanity is inherently selfish. It is objectively impossible to do something or want something without expectation or reward. Kindness is reward. Altruism is rewarding. Patience is rewarding. Being nice is literally done with the hope of getting others to be nice or more.

I can handle that worldview because, by embracing the fact that I'm already selfish, I can choose what I want and what I don't want. I don't want to hurt others because it makes me feel bad and I don't want them to feel bad because that would also make me feel bad. Stuff like that.

I used to like Agents of the Glass because it tried to tackle philosophy in a kid's book, and I really appreciate that. Now I just see the superficial aspects of it, like the big bad group of bad guys making more bad guys and the brainwashing people in a story about moral philosophy.

There's nothing really wrong with the story, but I suddenly don't know about recommending it to people. I remember when I was a kid, and someone told me people are inherently nice and kind. And I spent years wondering if that was impossible for me, because rarely was I ever able to do something so blatantly kind, like returning a bag of untrackable money that fell out of a bank truck. I don't want to recommend this to someone impressionable, someone who thinks they have to hold themselves to this unimaginable standard, only to grow up believing it was impossible to reach.

Well, there hasn't been a sequel or update 9 years now, so I guess I'm the last one talking about it anyways.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Sorry for the Dryspell

I've been severely busy with homework and studying. College doesn't take it easy on you. I have few more movies and books to talk about, so don't worry.

Here's a kitty.