because I'm trash

30 - Genderfucky (them/they). Find me on AO3 @ trash__universe (sorry if you follow me expecting a tag system lmaoooo)

[mymansmoon]

imagining shane hanging out with his parents and while he's away from his phone doing something with his dad a call comes in. yuna sees this and goes, "shane, someone's calling you!"

and shane says, "who is it?"

"lily!"

"oh." shane immediately sets aside what he's doing and walks over, saying to his mom, "that's ilya."

yuna looks at him in confusion as he picks up his phone. "why is ilya saved as 'lily' in your phone?"

and shane looks at her, away, shrugs as if it's obvious and simply says, "I can't have ilya rozanov saved on my phone, mom" before answering the call with a, "hey, baby" and walking away.

leaving yuna (and david) standing shocked and, once again, shaken at how little they knew about their son and the layers of concealment he's had to operate under for years just to love who he loves.

[actuallysara]

From the Heated Rivalry Soundtrack Vinyl

[penandinkprincess]

with how much shane enjoys getting pinned down, i'm laughing about the idea of ilya who knows academically that he and shane are equally matched but who never really transfers that thought to the bedroom because he and shane playfight/wrestle as foreplay but shane enjoys "losing" these particular struggles and thus doesn't really ever use his full strength beyond the opening few seconds

which means the first time shane is riding him and is close to finishing and thus shoves him the FUCK back down when ilya is about to sit up and turn them hits ilya like a fucking FREIGHT TRAIN

man is getting held down with a hand to his chest with a force shane hasn't actually used in bed before and he is about to pass! out! from the force of the horny crashing over him

[penandinkprincess]

the idea of ilya edging and frustrating shane specifically to provoke him into slamming him down and holding him there to take what he wants

[jimmysownworld]

yuna getting really lovely, thoughtful, sometimes extravagant mothers day and birthday gifts from ilya never really understanding why hes going through all this effort even if she does appreciate it and thinks hes so so sweet for it all, even after the boys tell her and david about ilyas mother and the irina foundation it doesnt fully click for a while. it only comes together on some random day, ilya has a game later that night and he’s had lunch with yuna and david planned for a while and he shows up with the good vodka david likes and this small package of candies that ilya hands to her very shyly for the first time probably in his life, definitely since shes known him, and he explains with shaking hands that they were his mama’s favorite, and it was her birthday today.

yuna feels her heart break a little bit when he tells her that she would have been younger than her, maybe too young for how old her children are considering he had an older brother, but he thought about his mama when he was happy in the hollander home, and wanted to share his mamas favorite candy with the woman who was mama to his favorite person in the world. like they got to meet, in a way. and yuna realizes very suddenly that he does the birthdays and mothers days for both her and irina because she is the closest thing he has to a mother, and she looks at him and realizes with it that he is in some ways still 12, finding his mother, and she has never met a little boy so tall and tired when she pulls him into a hug and doesnt let go till david suggests they get inside for lunch.

[meebles]

In love with the concept of Ilya pretending he doesn’t understand English when someone asks him some fuckass question that he doesn’t want to answer. Especially post-TLG.

Ilya gets pulled for a live post-game media scrum, and instead of being asked about the two goals he scored or how cohesively their team played that day, he gets asked the umpteenth question by some smarmy sports reporter about his and Shane’s relationship, with thinly-veiled jabs about how having two married queer players on their team must be bad for their locker room.

And Ilya loves being able to openly talk about Shane and their relationship, but he’s so sick of this offensive line of questioning. So instead he just makes his innocent-confused-puppydog face and replies in rapid-fire Russian. The reporter is thrown off and repeats his question, but Ilya just replies in Russian again, going on and on until the reporter gets flustered and gives up.

Later when the internet translates what he said, it’s something along the lines of, “I don’t understand such idiotic English questions, but if the sports reporter wants to ask questions about the sport he’s paid to report, I can answer those,” and then it’s just him praising his teammates on how well they’ve been playing.

Harris is also sick of the invasive questions, so he doesn’t throttle Ilya over it. Shane thinks it’s absolutely hilarious. He’s later asked about his husband’s “behavior” by some reporter in the states. He also plays dumb and does the same thing as Ilya, but in French.

[normal-about-hollanov]

I truly believe shane is exactly one mic'd up game away from losing that golden boy status. he is vicious. utilizing that idodetic memory for evil. every chirp is highly personalized and succinct. he's giving these men insecurities they didn't know existed before he opened his mouth. forget the weak backhand. he's referencing the fact your team has been trying to force trade you for the better part of three seasons and how your commitment to being the worst player in the western conference is perhaps the only thing you don't have issues committing to.

[jakeyjake22diary]

You guys don't get how Slavic Ilya looks to a person who grew up in Russia, that mf looks like a big chunk of my old classmates and friends. I don't mean his talking because he sounds like he learned Russian as a teenager from old sitcoms.

I mean the fucking pout and frown, the way he's so grumpy despite liking someone, the way he calls shane by his second name because he's scared itll be too personal, the way he can't keep his mouth shut during sex, especially those little bits of hair by the side of his face, like BRO whoever did the casting for Connor storrie did a fucking amazing job (I'll personally eat their ass) because when I first watched the show I was like 'oh second gen russian immigrant, my bro' then I found out that mf is from Texas 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[azaablue]

personal hc that one of the hollanov kids loves hockey but it's just not clicking even though they practice all the time and shane and ilya both try different coaching methods with them and it only makes everyone more frustrated and then one day wyatt comes to the rink with them and after 1.5 seconds on-ice he's like "hey i think they're a goalie" and shane and ilya nearly black out because oh. ohhh my god. they're kid is totally, completely, a goalie. and that's why it wasn't fucking working. they have a fucking goalie.

[upset-to-dead]

Obsessed with Ilya struggling to straddle Shane for a second bc Shane's first instinct after being pushed onto a bed is to spread his legs

[shane-bug]

Idiots in love

[lavenderprose]

Ilya is so lucky that Shane proposed. Ilya would have been a nervous fucking wreck for the entire day beforehand. Wake up in the morning. Look in the mirror. Today's the day. Sob. Breathe. Okay I'm good! Turn around and Shane's hair is all in his face, still asleep on Ilya's pillow. I am NOT good. Cold shower. Breakfast that Ilya does not eat. Morning jog wherein Ilya runs like someone is chasing him. Lunch that Ilya does not eat. Drive out to the cottage. Make Shane pull over because Ilya needs to dry heave on the side of the road. "Baby we don't have to drive out today if you're not feeling well." "NO WE HAVE TO." Get to the cottage. Immediately send Shane on some kind of extended fool's errand. Shane wants to stay because Ilya is SHAKING and he is so worried. "No my love I'm fine it's just the breeze off the lake haha." It's thirty fuckig degrees Celsius. Shane finally gtfo's. Yuna, David, Rose FUCKING Landry all descend to help Ilya set up. Well. Ilya is supposed to be helping but he is standing on the deck fully dissociating. Yuna brings him tea. "Are you going to throw up the tea?" "Yes probably." Yuna takes away the tea. 800 electronic tea lights on the deck. In a parallel Ilya has no way of understanding, he both puts on and takes off a suit. Yuna fixes his curls into the hockey boy quasi-mullet that magnetizes Shane's fingers to Ilya's hair and says, "Oh, you're so handsome!" Ilya cries big fat tears. David tells a story about how his proposal to Yuna almost didn't happen because David went to the hospital for heart palpitations that morning. Thank You David That Does Not Help Even Remotely. Ilya slav squats on the lawn for twenty minutes. Shane's car pulls up in the driveway and everyone hides while Ilya vibrates in the entryway. Shane has no less than thirty grocery bags hanging from his arms, still complaining about why the grocery service cancelled their delivery last minute. Ilya leads Shane and all thirty of his grocery bags onto the deck. Shane is doing his favorite thing (bitching) and his second favorite thing (Follow Ilya) so he doesn't notice his own mother tiptoing behind him collecting the grocery bags he drops like breadcrumbs. There is an Oscar-winning actress hiding under his sofa and Shane does not notice because Ilya takes him on the deck and drops to his knees and Shane is like, "Haha, right now?" and then he sees that Ilya has a look on his face like he's just been told the sun is never coming up again and he has his hands on Shane's knees and he is saying, "Shane. Please?" and Shane puts his hands on his head and says "Oh my God baby what's happening to you" as Ilya melts and melts and then from the depths of the cottage someone who sounds a lot like Shane's very own father is whispering "The ring the ring" and when he looks back down Ilya is fumbling a ring box out of his pocket. The first picture of their proposal is Shane glaring into the middle distance with a hand cradling Ilya's curls like a baby while Ilya ugly sobs into his knee.

[jimmysownworld]

cliff marleau and ilya rozanov are best friends not because they’re teammates or marleau was assigned to look after roz when he first got to the raiders, but because, even though it takes so much alcohol to get him drunk, when ilya gets drunk he can only be described as white girl wasted and marly is the EXACT same way. they are in the mens bathroom in front of the mirror like “is my shirt unbuttoned enough for people to look at my tits?” “yeah man your boobs look GREAT! can you tell me if these jeans look good on my ass i think i saw a girl eying me” “marly your ass looks phenomenal and you can trust me on this as i am a well known ass man” “aw man rozzy you’re making me blush”

[chubby-cry-baby]

once shane moves in with ilya and they’re able to codependencymax i think shane’s parents (probably yuna) broach the topic of how they’re together all the time but shane cuts her off before she can even say anything with “I know!! isn’t it great we get to do everything together it’s the best!!! we thought we’d have to wait until we retired but we get to play together and live together and i’m very happy and Ilya is too!!!” and she’s like okay honeymoon period got it and then like 5 years later thinks about trying again but decides it’s not worth it because those two want to live in eachothers skin but that’s not possible to this will do.

[lavenderprose]

Ilya finds an odd picture of Shane in a photo album at one point. He's maybe three, he's sitting on the massive purple sofa that Ilya has discovered the Hollanders owned when Shane was born. He's frowning, red-cheeked and he's got a strange plastic case on his thumb.

"Yuna," he says, shifting his elbows on the table to point at it. "What is this on his hand? Was broken?"

Shane's head snaps up from across the table, where he's pretending that Photo Album Time is very boring to him and not worth paying attention to. He hasn't scrolled on the article he's pretending to read for over five minutes.

"I never broke a bone as a kid," he says, brows furrowed. "Not until U13, when that fucking kid from Guelph--"

Yuna and Shane both inhale quickly through their noses in what Ilya has learned to recognize as a moderative measure, lest they start yelling about something that everyone else on Earth has forgotten about.

"No," Yuna says, once her face looks a little less intense. "No, it wasn't broken. It was this...contraption that the dentist gave us to correct his thumb-sucking. He was so mad about it, we only put it on him a few times."

"Oh, Jesus," Shane mutters, eyes going back to his phone.

"Aw," Ilya says. "Poor baby Shane." He taps his finger against one little red cheek and laughs. "You really do look so mad, sweetheart. How did you make him stop?"

"Hmm...you know, I don't remember," Yuna sighs, tilting her head. "I guess he just stopped by himself eventually. Do you remember, Shane?"

"No," Shane says, shortly.

"Of course, that didn't get rid of the oral fixation," Yuna sighs, adjusting her reading glasses as she flips the page. "The things you used to chew on, Shane. Pens and straws and--"

"Mom," Shane snaps, while Ilya vibrates beside him. "Can we not?"

"I was afraid to give him popsicles because I thought he would gnaw on the sticks until he got a splinter in his stomach."

"Mom!"

"Well, honey, it's true! And you did outgrow it eventually, so it's not as if you have to be embarrassed."

"Oh, you did?" Ilya says, shoulders shaking. "You outgrew the, uh, oral fixation?"

"Stop," Shane hisses.

"Mm. Excuse me." Ilya stands from the table and sweeps out onto the back porch, though the sliding door does nothing to prevent the sound of his guffaws from floating back into the kitchen.

"You know," Yuna says, "I'm just going to assume that this is some kind of language barrier thing--"

"Please stop."

[gurlsrool]

While it’s technically true, anytime I see a post that’s like “Hayden Pike is a great player actually, you guys are taking Ilya’s chirps too seriously”, I imagine it’s Hayden posting on a burner account while crying

[lavenderprose]

To be clear. Shane's whole thing about Ilya being a Sex God is because of the limerence. Ilya is nineteen and he can get a rhythm going and that's about it. He was throwing shit at the wall when he hit that 'Get on your knees' in Nashville but only he knows that because Shane's brain turned OFF. Ilya said "Let's do a little experiment here" and the results were "Oh my god oh my god oh my god." Shane came hands free because he was that obsessed with the idea of Ilya Rozanov being inside him. Ilya said "Do you like that do you like that" because he's nineteen and he needs the validation and Shane was like "YES YES YES I LIKE IT OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO DEEP YOU'RE SO GOOD" and objectively. It was okay. Ilya fully did not know where to put his hands a couple of times. He forgot about Shane's dick. Luckily, Shane is God's special angel who can come from the idea of Ilya's cockhead being in proximity to his prostate a few times. Mind over matter, says Shane Hollander's dick. And then Ilya said "Oh God Hollander" because it was also, objectively, one of the hottest things that had ever happened to HIM, Ilya Rozanov. Shane sits on that step afterwards plotting about how he's gonna get this over and over and over again for the rest of his life and he has no idea that there are women in Boston who have Ilya listed in their contacts as "Hockey Guy 6/10". Shane Hollander cannot fathom a world in which Ilya Rozanov doesn't lay the maddest pipe this side of Lake Michigan. "Ilya Rozanov is a some kind of nineteen year old sex God" No Shane honey he was just designed in a lab to score goals and make you cum and he's done scoring goals for the night.

[gaynehollander]

I love that "Hayden Pike has a crush on Shane Hollander" isn't just a fandom trope, it's genuine textual analysis.

I also love that "Marleau and Ilya have definitely shared women and/or fucked in front of one another" is not even close to being hinted at in canon but we all know it to be true.