Tumbleweed

Hey! She/her. 21.

[ip2lb]

[scooplery]

[elasticitymudflap]

i can never face my family again

[inabasket]

You ever see something so funny you bypass laughing entirely and go straight for crying?

[huffylemon]

[triviallytrue]

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

[friendshapedhole]

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

[triviallytrue]

Well unless the mall is his native territory I think I'm fine, I wasn't planning on smiling at him

[max1461]

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

[triviallytrue]

Misguided! I would much rather have a mallmate I can easily see and hear coming. I'm confident I can stay out of the gorilla's way, but if I step on a snake or one otherwise gets the jump on me, it's all over.

It's not just about the physical danger either, it's about my mental health. One gorilla, unless he's actively mad at me, I just keep a healthy distance between us and make sure I never get trapped. With the snakes, it requires a lot more constant vigilance

[ghostpalmtechnique]

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

[triviallytrue]

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

[notwiselybuttoowell]

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

[nightingalesoul]

this is too good to leave hidden in the replies

[bermuda-n-drangle]

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

[yuirhapsody]

[shyriadracnoir-deactivated20181]

How much damage does this do if I hit someone with it

[segadreamcatcher]

they beat Jesus with that

[roach-works]

congratulations to promethazines for making a phrase so good that years later i still remark ‘they beat jesus with that’ upon seeing any kind of lumpy mess

[coyotebuegwater-deactivated2016]

[mosticonicposts]

certified iconic post

[loonyblobs]

[calellon]

[antimony-ore]

[72699]

[ampervadasz]

[thatoneemobooknerd]

Perfect

[kraetys]

Sound ON

[aromantic-goldfishdeactivated202]

Unrestrained summer fun

[thursday]

[avery-universe-deactivated20150]

oh my fucking god

[tvandfilm]

[call-me-noa]

Please do cite the deep magic to me actually. I may have been there when it was written but I am very forgetful

[helloitsbees]

[kittygallore]

one of my grandparents’ kittens taking a nap inside a toy truck

[sdqubeley]

i do this to u

[blacksails2017]

[supermodelcats]

[avvocarlo]

[chickenfarmersan]

[yougottabeniceforwhat]

[desiccantdonoteat]

[needlepointcursewords]

[the-real-numbers-deactivated202]

[02void]

cat on ice