Diary Of A Ghost

The official blog of ViolStones: Personal essays on healing from suicidality and depression.

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Triggers: What They Are and How They Affect Your Mental Health

Triggers: What They Are and How They Affect Your Mental Health First blog post of the year. Hope it resonates and let me know what you think! 🙏🏽😌💜

Let’s talk about “Triggers.” It’s a term used in psychology to refer to anything that affects you emotionally. Oftentimes, it is directly connected to something that you are subconsciously dealing with (or not dealing with), even if it seems completely unrelated. For this reason, we try to identify our triggers so that we can   identify unresolved trauma we have stored in our subconscious not…

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Balance your mental health with the 2:1 ratio

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Your Needs Matter: How to Check-in With Yourself and Why It Matters

Do you ever have days when you just go through the motions and feel unfulfilled with anything you do? Or you're unsure of what you should do next if anything at all? Sometimes, my depression will cloud my mind so much that I can't see my next moves, leaving me feeling disoriented and unsettled. If you can relate, then let me share what I've found to help me in those moments. Periodically checking in with myself to address my needs and wants throughout the day has been my lifeline on days when I feel completely numb or disconnected. 

When we talk about our needs and wants, what exactly do we mean? Discomforts such as pain, anger, and agitation often indicate that a need is not being met. To determine the underlying reason, it's best to tune in nonjudgmentally to these sensations. It's helpful to get into the habit of asking yourself questions like:

Is there anything making me physically uncomfortable that I can fix right now? 

Are there any pressing issues that can resolved in 5 or 10 minutes?

Do I need a spiritual moment to ease my soul right now?

Is there anything I can do to make this moment easier for myself?

I've found that by asking myself these questions when I feel suddenly overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed, I connect with my true self for a moment and allow myself to take care of me. Also, phrasing the questions as time-sensitive and more immediate forces me to focus on the present rather than letting my mind run wild with worries and fear. 

As we go about our days, we can easily overlook our needs and the signals our bodies provide for us. A classic example would be hunger. Sometimes, we might work ourselves past mealtime, ignoring the onset of brain fog, irritability, or fatigue. Yet, we get frustrated with ourselves for feeling sluggish or being unable to focus. All those symptoms are classic signals from our body that our need for food is long overdue. Ignoring this need can lead to actual health problems like diabetes or acute health scares like passing out from exhaustion. 

Most of us try not to let that need go unmet and will make the time to feed ourselves and set boundaries with others to allow us the time to look after our meals. But we have a hard time doing the same for our emotional and mental health needs. The habit of ignoring the emotional signals of irritability, crying, anxiety symptoms, and despair is so common we don't even recognize that it is a signal in the first place. We assume that's just how we are, or how the day is going for us. 

But what if we reframed our mindset about those symptoms to be more compassionate toward them when they show up, accepting them as signs of a need that we should try to address? Suddenly, you gain more autonomy over how you're feeling and are less of a victim of your mental illness. 

So, how do we catch ourselves? My solution has been to set reminders on my phone to check in with myself. Depending on the severity of my mental health issues at the time, I’ll schedule check-ins as frequently as three times a day manually in my journal or planner. I've also found several apps like Finch, Kinder World, How We Feel, and the iPhone Health app, which help make checking in fun and rewarding. Also, a classic body scan meditation (my favorite app for meditation is Balance) can help ground you into your current physical state and help you notice the discomforts in your body you might be ignoring. When I get my data from a body scan, I can ask myself those questions I mentioned earlier and see if any of the sensations I noticed within myself can be remedied or helped in the moment. 

There are times when we are unable to address our needs immediately. In such situations, it can be helpful to plan ahead and create a strategy to address more complex needs later in the day or week. Breaking down the task into smaller steps can help you feel like you've made some progress toward resolving a pressing issue that cannot be solved in one go. As a bonus, generating small moments of success is a proven way to elevate your sense of well-being and reduce your stress.

A note on wants: sometimes, our wants are not the most healthy for us. If we constantly give in to our wants, that may actually backfire on us. So how do we treat ourselves and give ourselves what we need and want while still making strides forward in our healing journey? Start with evaluating the wants. Why do you want something? What is the underlying need it's addressing? Because that's what you need to focus on. The underlying need is the priority, but sometimes our wants reveal an unmet need that we are trying to satisfy ineffectively. 

If you evaluate your want and it supports the lifestyle and well-being you are working toward, then trust yourself! Your want has come about as a healthy solution to meet some need. But if it's not in line with the life you're trying to create, some self-discipline might be in order to help you determine what the want is trying to do for you in terms of your needs. 

The point is to care about yourself enough to care about your needs. Make yourself and your comfort and well-being a priority. Is this something you struggle with? Do you think about your needs or wants in this way? Let me know in the comments below!

(P.s. There are no affiliate links or sponsorships in this post. All recommendations are apps I regularly use because they help me. I hope they can help you too!)

Til next time,

Take care!

[violstonesofficial]

Balancing Your Mental Health Using Your Thoughts: The 2:1 Ratio

There are so many resources today to help you better manage your mental health. From adaptogens, meditation apps, and fitness routines to trauma-informed care and support groups, you can find almost anything you might need to face your wellness struggles. But I would like to talk about your mind. Yes, your actual thoughts and feelings. Because your mind is not broken, and your feelings are not symptoms or uncontrollable variables to be masked or managed. I would like you to consider for a moment that you have complete and total control over what you think and how you feel. All it takes, is a little time and habit training to see this for yourself.

If you've spent any time getting to know my brand, Violstones, you may notice that I have several themes that my stones represent, targeting certain thought patterns and positive intentions. In fact, there are 14 themes currently in my collection, with 5 of them focused on binding or replacing negative thought patterns, which I've personally dealt with in my mental health battle with depression:

Shame

Anger

Envy

Fear

Sadness

In my experience, these are the core negative feelings that contribute to the unbearable experience of depression, anxiety, or other mood disorders. (Though, I only have personal experience with depression, so I can only speak from that perspective).

For me, Sadness represents the moments when I feel hopeless; it is the deepest part of my depression when I feel that my mental illness has taken so much of my time and energy that I've missed out on some of my life.

Shame relates to the worthlessness I've carried with me through the years. It is the reason I feel like a burden to everyone around me. Which in turn can keep me from seeking the support I deserve.

Anger shows up as my self-hatred and rage towards the people who have harmed me in any way. In my particular case, most, if not all, of my anger was unexpressed for most of my life. There's a misconception that if we don't express the emotion, it will just go away. But that couldn't be further from the truth. As a therapist once told me, "Anger unexpressed only gets turned inward."

Envy manifests in me as imposter syndrome-- looking at everyone else in my life and feeling that somehow I've fallen short. I also end up blaming myself for my illness, ultimately feeling insecure, inadequate, and unfit for this life.

Fear can show up as perfectionism, which I actively work to overcome. It's being afraid to try anything new because I'm sure I'll fail, being afraid to talk to people because of social anxiety, and a lack of self-trust because I fear what I could do to myself on a bad day.

These 5 themes were imperative for me to tackle first. I needed to feel I had some power over them. Thus, the vision of “binding” these feelings developed. Externalizing them into the crystals was a visual way to distance myself from those feelings. The act of physically wrapping and binding them in metal helped me see that I had autonomy over these heavy feelings.

The further I went on my spiritual journey, the more I recognized that God did not see me as I saw myself. This visualization practice was a way for me to start adopting a mindset that was more aligned with God’s mindset. It helped me to remember my true identity, which is beloved by Him, fully equipped with all I could ever need to overcome the struggles I faced.

But when you bind negative thoughts and take them captive (more on that here), it is necessary to replace those negative habitual patterns with Truth, positivity, and hope. This is how I developed the positive themes. The positive themes in my collection are:

Fatih

Grace

Love

Mercy

Honesty

Dreams

Strength

Peace

Joy

You'll notice there are nearly twice as many positive themes as negative ones-- a 2:1 ratio. This is because when your mind naturally tends toward negative feelings, as is human nature, you must work harder to train the mind to focus on the light. Each of these themes targets the negative feelings we just listed and can be use as their counterparts.

Faith is needed to combat Fear, trusting in God when I feel uncertain and worried; Grace works to minimize my sadness, to help me accept my journey for what it is; while Love works to fight Envy or self-comparison, reminding me how treasured I am in God’s eyes.

Mercy works with Anger, allowing me to approach my breached boundaries and intense feelings with gentleness and empathy for those who have crossed me.

And finally, Stength, based on verse 2 Corinthians 12:9, which says, "His strength is made perfect in weakness…" is used to work on Shame. It has shown me that there is power in loving and tending to my weaknesses.

The rest of the themes, Honesty, Peace, Joy, and Dreams are lifestyle reminders. Honesty gives me the courage to be open about this whole journey and my testimony, and in modeling this, I've seen it empower others to do the same for themselves. Peace has allowed me to choose mindfulness and encourages me to honor what brings me peace and step away from what disturbs it.

Dreams serve to motivate me even when my goals seem out of reach. It's a reminder that it's never too late, and all it takes is some ambition, effort, and consistency.

Joy helps me prioritize the things in life that make me smile and laugh. One of the worst parts of depression is the way it sucks away the pleasure from every experience, but this theme is a gentle reminder that it is my job to cultivate good feelings for myself. Joy doesn't just happen. It is a choice, one that I have found to be the most transformative of all.

Everything I've developed as a part of Violstones has allowed me to share the healing love of God and the hope of an emotionally healthy future. Of course, we are all on different paths and in different stages of our journey, and the Christian faith component may not be for everyone. However, my true objective is to spread hope in whatever capacity, however that looks to you.

I know what it is to be trapped in your own negative thoughts without any way to change how you feel. But I promise you, the opposite is true. You can balnce your mental health with your thoughts. Make the choice with me-- 2 positives for every negative. Let's discover all the possibilities of this beautiful journey together!

What do you think about these themes? Would you add any others? What has helped you balance your mental health in the past? Let me know in the comments below.

Til next time, Take care!

[violstonesofficial]

“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,...” 2 Corinthians 10:5 

When I first read this verse, it struck me as a clear guide for managing my mental illness. The phrase “take every thought captive” stuck out to me as a simple and direct command from my loving Father to choose my thoughts wisely. Having a background in CBT, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, for my depression, it resonated as both a logical and now biblical method of healing. This verse was a launching pad for my recovery. 

But what does it truly mean to take thoughts captive? And what about the rest of the verse? How do we take our thoughts captive to make them obedient to Christ? As far as I understand it, it is simply another way we lay our burdens down at the foot of the cross, giving them to Jesus so he can bear them for us. Making our thoughts obedient to Christ is just remembering to focus on what He called us to: love, gentleness, hope, faith, and all that is lovely and good. 

Imagine if we could replace dark and heavy thoughts, like suicidality and fear, bitterness and resentment, with beautiful thoughts like joy and peace, hope and compassion. I think that is what this verse is asking us to do. It asks us to do the difficult work of challenging our thoughts, but it also gives us the solution to making that process more manageable. As it is with changing behaviors, if you are going to quit a bad habit, you need to replace it with a new and healthier one. This is what Jesus is asking us to do here. Replace the dark thoughts with the thoughts he offers us as our savior. He gives us peace, healing, and love, which means we have those feelings always available to us. It's our job to choose those thoughts over the ones we usually think.

This process is more accessible than it might seem; it's not a totally spiritual practice. And this can be applied even if you're not a Christian. Just remember the basic premise: challenge your negative thoughts and choose to replace them with more uplifting ones. Here is a small list of everyday practices to help you go about doing just that: 

CBT- the cognitive behavioral therapy model is heavily aligned with this method as it actively teaches us to challenge our thoughts as they arise. For anything that is causing us more distress than hope, CBT asks us to slow down, question it, and logic it out. Here is an abbreviated explanation of how CBT works: when a negative thought comes, ask yourself: Is it true? What are some other possible truths surrounding this thought or belief? How is this thought making us feel? Can we think of something else to help us feel better instead of worse? YouTube and Google can provide many more resources on where to get started. And, of course, seeking out a therapist experienced in this modality is always reccomended. 

Meditation- Meditating is a great way to train yourself to start noticing your thoughts in the first place. Recognizing your thoughts as they pop up but letting them go without judgment or following them down the rabbit hole of negativity is crucial in separating yourself from your thoughts enough to understand that they're not always true or beneficial. That distance allows you to reject them if they're not serving you.

Gratitude- Practicing gratitude is another simple way reframe your thoughts and retrain them to be more positive. Scientific studies have shown this to be a viable and practical way to “rewire” the brain to focus on the positive rather than the negative. Simply being thankful for something shifts your mind's focus to reject any complaints or discontent that may have been growing.

Prayer- Finally, there's prayer: The act of calling out to God, or whatever higher power you connect with, is in itself an act of arresting our thoughts and keeping them from overwhelming us. When your thoughts feel like they are getting the best of you and you stop yourself long enough to focus on the one who can help, you have effectively stopped that train of thought. And that moment of reprieve can be the space you need to evaluate and challenge those thoughts for truthfulness and validity. And then, let's not forget that taking those thoughts to God is exactly what the verse asks us to do. Jesus wants us to reach out for his help. He knows challenging our thoughts is difficult, but he offers his wisdom and compassion to help us do it. 

I hope this sheds some light on how one might go about "taking thoughts captive" and how you might practice it even if you are not a Christian. Please know that the process is not as esoteric as it might seem and that our dark thoughts won't always get the best of us. There is hope to fight intrusive, heavy feelings. It is possible, and we are not alone.

Have you taken your thoughts captive before? Is it something you've found helpful? What other ways do you challenge negative feelings? Let me know in the comments below. 

Til next time,

Take care!

[violstonesofficial]

What Self-care Is and What It's Not

I cannot begin to explain how glad I am that the movement of self-care has swept over our communities in the last few years. The notion of looking out for ourselves in all ways has transformed how we look at our day-to-day activities. We now set out to perform mundane routines with the intention of self-love, nurturing our bodies and minds in ways we haven't thought of before. 

But what is self-care? What exactly qualifies? The technical definition is anything we do to tend to our physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs. So when you think about it, anything from simply brushing your teeth to planning a movie night with friends, can be considered an act of self-care. But what about all the trendy posts of luxurious baths and sunset dinners for one?

Let's break it down and talk about what is and what is not self-care. 

Self-care is not:

For show. It is not about what it looks like to anyone else or how it'll look in a photo for the Internet. 

A luxury. Sometimes, we can believe that taking care of ourselves with anything more than the bare minimum is a form of excess, but that simply isn't true. The spectrum of self-care reaches all aspects of our health-- spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical. That means that some things that may not be practical or logical in a physical sense are actually necessary for tending to our emotional needs. And that is just as valuable as ensuring that we are adequately fed and watered throughout the day. 

A lack of discipline or boundaries. That being said, spending more than we can afford on a manicure is not an act of self-care. Overextending yourself will more often than not lead to more harm than good. Also, lacking self-discipline and being unable to say no to harmful habits or make healthier decisions defeats the purpose of self-care altogether. 

A distraction. It can be easy to fall into the trap of distracting ourselves with acts of "self-care" under the pretense that we are looking after ourselves when, in fact, we are distracting ourselves from important hurt feelings that need to be healed and addressed. Don't get caught up in the trend so much that you forget to check in with how you truly feel and forgo caring for some of your most pressing needs.

A rigid set of actions. What works and is healthy for one person may not hit the mark for another. Acts of self-care are vary from person to person and will change throughout your life as you grow and evolve along your journey. Being open to new ideas and being willing to adapt is in itself part of self-care. 

In general, self-care is not always easy, and it's not just about making you “feel good.” It's about giving yourself what you need, even the hard-to-admit stuff like more boundaries or less caffeine. 

Now, let's explore what self-care is. During my most recent therapy experience, I learned that self-care was more comprehensive than I'd originally thought. I've concluded that self-care is any act or opportunity you create to witness your true self. 

The true self is a term used in “Internal Family Systems” or IFS Therapy to refer to the part of us that is complete and embodies eight key characteristics (Compassion, Creativity, Curiosity, Confidence, Courage, Calm, Connectedness, Clarity). The term is also used in the meditation and metaphysics realms, more often referred to as the higher self. For me, these two understandings are pretty united in that the true self is the essence of who we are in the purest and most whole sense. But in IFS, the idea is that this true self is hidden by "parts" that develop to protect us as the result of trauma we face in our lives. So if we approach self-care as a way to connect with our higher self and rediscover the purest version of who we are, we create the chance for self-care to be much more rewarding. 

In the simplest sense, self-care is anything that allows us to connect with and experience those eight key attributes of the self. So if bubble baths and manicures make you feel confident and compassionate, then go for it. But remember, the intention behind any self-care act is to connect to who you really are, not to distract you from feelings or thoughts. Actually, those activities would be considered coping mechanisms rather than self-care (more information on that in another post). 

Self-care is: 

A way to recharge and recenter. 

A preventive action that boosts resiliency when hard feelings come about. 

Hard work. Sometimes it's choosing new healthy habits over old comfortable but unhealthy ones. It's learning to say no to others and even yourself sometimes.

About healing and growing more than anything else. Consistent self-care is working to bring you closer to your highest self.

Intentional. Self-care that is the most nourishing to our bodies and spirits is intentional about what actions to take and how they make us feel during and after. "After" being the key word here. Feeling good in the moment has its value, but what about after? How activities make us feel when we reflect on them is very important for creating a healthy mind space and building self-trust.

Here are some ideas for self-care that I've recognized as ways to elevate you to your higher self/connect you with your true self:

meditation/mindfulness

Spiritual practice/prayer

Exercises like yoga or dance

Art creation/art observation

Volunteering

Time in nature

Preparing a meal for yourself

Time with a hobby

These are just a few that help me connect with my true self. What about you? How do you take care of yourself? How do you feel afterward? Let me know in the comments below!

Til next time,

Take Care!

[violstonesofficial]

The Tools God Uses to Bring Us Closer to Him

In this current season in my life, I've felt far from God, admittedly. It has felt like the depression has grown so strong and that it's been all-consuming. I've tried praying but have felt that He has been silent during this time, feeling as though the Holy Spirit is dormant within me. I know this is not necessarily true, but that is how it feels, and it's led me to wonder if God might be communicating with me in ways I might not have noticed before.

My healing journey during this time has looked very different from the other God-centered seasons of my life. I've been less active in bible study, isolated from other members of my faith, and felt less impacted by moments of worship that used to overwhelm me with His presence. But I've done so much work on the mental health front with my therapist and my support system that I know healing is happening. Yet, the fact that God seems to be playing a less evident role in the process has raised some concerns about whether my healing is “real” or if I'm being led astray by secular practices.

I know this makes me sound a bit fanatical and religious, but having lived my life as a Christian and now knowing how much God saves and loves me, I'm pretty sold on living for Him in the best ways I can. These concerns are just part of the faith, evaluating whether or not your actions and choices reflect the transformation that Jesus induced at the moment of salvation. So as I go about my journey, I'm still looking for signs of his hands in it, even if I don't readily feel or see it the way I used to.

With that in mind, these are some reminders I like to tell myself about how God is still present and involved even if it doesn't feel like it.

Coincidences

God doesn't want anything other than our healing. I believe and trust that he is a good and loving father. And I believe He is always working. So in times of silence, I take it as a chance to be even more observant of just how he operates. His silence allows me to take notice of the things that have been strategically placed in my path. It can be the way things play out in a day that I was anticipating to be very hectic and stressful, or a resource or a person offering me the encouragement I needed at just the right moment. Even a well-placed flower during a lonely walk is a sign that God is looking out for me. He knows just what my spirit needs at any given moment. These little things are not coincidences. They're God moments.

Hindsight

I have also found that God will use memories as a way to reconnect with me. Especially when it's particularly emotionally challenging, I'll find myself ruminating on something from my past, and I may even be angry at God for his seeming absence or in my current and past situation. I'll analyze a memory repeatedly to try and understand why it happened, how I could've changed it, and ultimately where was my Savior through it. I know the former two questions are manifestations of depression and anxiety, needlessly going over the same thing to no end or resolution. But that last challenge to God -- “where were you?…” -- I'm often met with a new realization and a better understanding of that situation in light of his character. I may not have seen him there in the moment the way that I wanted to, but how he orchestrated things, how I was comforted after, or a tiny God moment that I may have overlooked, will remind me of who He is and how good he is.

Signs

The last thing I've noticed is that God will use signs and superstitions to connect. He is the creator of all things, after all, and He is not above using symbols that you or I gravitate to in order to draw us closer to him. Anytime I've noticed something in the realm of superstition, say 11:11, for example, I examine the moment through the Christian lens to find that He was calling my attention to something pertinent to me at that moment and was working it out on my behalf. Noticing these signs makes me wait for him or reminds me to seek him for help. And that is all He’s asking for when we stray far away.

This is all to say that God is still there, that He’s literally everywhere. We only need to open our eyes/ears/hearts to witness Him. We have to be willing and ready to notice when he speaks. It may not be the way you were thinking, but He is capable of speaking to us in any language or mode we know. And he is so loving that he will and does. He's not ignoring us or refusing to answer. But when our path has led us somewhere we didn't anticipate, the only way we can get back is to recognize a sign for what it is: him showing us who He is, where He is, and that He is with us.

Have you been feeling distant on your faith walk lately? How has God communicated with you in the past or now? Let me know in the comments below!

Til next time, Take Care!

[violstonesofficial]

Faith-based Healing and What It Looks Like

I think I've made it pretty clear that I am a Christian, and that has had a significant impact on my healing journey, but I feel it's important to truly dive in and address what faith-based healing can look like. I feel there is a misconception about Christians and mental health, and I’d like to make a statement about that here. 

A lot of the mental health talk in the church community can be pretty dismissive and even offensive. I know from being raised in it and from seeking help from the church for depression. There is this heavy, overbearing teaching that “God is all you need." There is simply not a comprehensive approach to mental health that can accommodate the needs of someone in a mental health crisis or otherwise when you seek aid from the church. And with that aforementioned ideology being the main belief, it discourages people from seeking the help that could actually work for them. 

This, to me, is just not safe or helpful for someone who is struggling. So how does a Christian reconcile “God is everything we need” with “I need help outside of the church?" For me, this process needed to be a personal and tailored process to meet my needs. So for me, this included Christian disciplines alongside traditional and holistic practices. As I’ve discussed in another article(not yet published, but coming soon), God will meet us where we are and put the resources we need in our path right when we need them. I have begun to understand that the ebb and flow of a spiritual life is natural, and as we get closer to Him and wander farther, our healing process will shift and look different throughout those seasons. 

I've learned to accept that as perfectly natural, and choosing not to shame myself for being in a distant season of my faith has helped me facilitate a healing journey that I can maintain alongside my faith. 

The processes that helped my journey as a Christian recovering from mental illness include the following practices. This list is simply an overview of what works for me, and I hope it offers some ideas on how you might add to your own healing regimen. 

Bible study - for me, when I was heavily involved in my church, Bible study was a very regular part of my daily routine. And it was only 10 mins a day, actually reading the bible and highlighting the verses that spoke to me in those moments. When I had more time, I would explore a bit deeper, but simply consuming the pure biblical content worked really well to strengthen my connection to God, develop my own discernment, and renew my thoughts with truth and light. 

Holistic healing approaches - this includes using essential oils to target emotional weaknesses. The use of oils is found throughout the bible, so for me it was a logical addition to my healing regimen as a Christian who also needed to find solutions outside of traditional medications. 

A spirit of submission - this was a hard thing for me to understand at first, being someone who wanted to feel in control and who needed to plan everything to the letter. I strive to adopt a submissive mindset to the will of God. And that also means submitting to the authorities he puts in place in my life. While looking for holistic approaches, keep an open mind to all treatment options. Because, as cliche as this might be, God does work in mysterious ways. His will and plan for our healing may look different than we expect but trusting in his goodness and his promise to work everything for our good is crucial to welcoming healing in the first place.

Therapy - talking to someone outside of the church was a massive help for me. Having someone to speak with practically about my illness and struggles allowed me to think in a more pragmatic sense instead of a completely spiritual sense. Sometimes we need to talk about things in the physical plane, and for me, therapy was that outlet.

The main thing to understand about healing with a faith-based background is balance and trusting in God’s will. As a Christian, it is important to be aware of the spiritual trap of idolatry . By no means am I saying that God is not capable of healing us in every way we need. But I think feeling shame for seeking help outside of the church is not biblical. God is not mad at us for seeking out healing for our illnesses. We just have to remember and trust that he guides our steps and actively puts us in contact with the resources we need at the right time. 

For me, faith-based healing is a trust exercise. Trusting that God is Good; God is present; He provides for my every need.

What are your thoughts? Are you struggling with mental illness as a Christian? What has been your experience? Let me know in the comments below!

Til next time,

Take Care! 

[violstonesofficial]

Why Being Straight-edge Vegan Works For Me

A little bit more about me and my journey: I've been managing depression for most of my life. I recognized it in myself at the age of 11, was diagnosed at 15, and medicated from that point onward. I stopped taking meds at 25. So when I say I'm straightedge and doing life unmedicated it's not without the knowledge of how medication worked for me and didn't work for me. By no means do I advocate coming off your meds without talking to your doctor first (trust me, I did, and it didn't go well), and I don't think that meds are the antithesis to health. However, in my experience, I've found that a more balanced approach to mental illness is needed rather than simply medicating and talking it all out. For me, that just wasn't enough.

Let me share some insights on my lifestyle choices, 6+ years after quitting medications, and what I think has helped and want I'm still struggling with now. I think open and honest conversations about our mental health journeys are vital to us all gaining some deeper understanding of how these illnesses affect us and how we can more effectively manage them.

"I think open and honest conversations about our mental health journeys are vital..."

I've gone through what feels like the entire gamut of traditional medical treatments for depression. I've been on over eight different medications, often three at once (honestly, the exact number is difficult to remember since there were so many changes and additions). I've had Electroshock therapy, which was pretty trippy, to say the least, but that didn't take at all. I've been hospitalized more times than I can count at this point, only to be prescribed more meds and have less than compassionate care provided by an overburdened mental health system. All of this only led to two failed suicide attempts and contempt for the healthcare system that just never seemed to be able to give me what I needed to feel safe in my own head.

The decision to quit the system came as the needed change, being the one thing I hadn't tried to combat the symptoms I was experiencing. Also, having gone vegan within the same time frame, I feel the decision was influenced by that new lifestyle choice, reflecting a desire to live more holistically, more naturally, and more gently.

Those two choices lead to a few observations: going vegan acted as a body cleanse. I could feel my physiology change, my chronic skin conditions like eczema dissipating, my weight dropped pretty quickly but then held at my healthy BMI without much effort. I was also more aware of how the things I put into my body affected my system. I was able to pinpoint any irritations or reactions because my body was combatting a lot less inflammation than I had been on the traditional diet I was raised on.

"For me, choosing to be vegan was both an ethical choice and a vital one for my emotional and physical health."

This physical clarity enabled me to recognize the true effects of the medications I was taking. I could sense the numbness, the dull mental feeling of them. I could easily track how they reacted with my system as time passed, noticing the subtle changes when the dosage was reaching its lowest point and I needed to take another. But it's the dull feeling that I realized was preventing me from truly healing the illness of my mind.

Also, both of these changes happened after the very critical life event of my first suicide attempt. After waking from the coma and entering into physical rehab, I was quickly ushered back into the traditional healthcare streams of treatment, which meant more meds. But I had used my previously prescribed meds to commit this act in the first place. Starting a new regimen of new meds was essentially retraumatizing.

This feeling, a fear of myself with access to more pills, and the understanding that it wasn't actually helping me but was masking my feelings from me prompted this vow to myself- that I would no longer take medication or drugs of any kind. I wanted a clean system and a fresh start, in the purest sense. How has that worked for me since then? Well, over six years later, I'm still med-free, and yes, I still have depression. But I've developed a kind of self-awareness that I don't think I could have cultivated any other way. This awareness has allowed me to advocate for myself in traditional healthcare settings and allowed me to set the boundaries needed to facilitate growth and recovery with my family and friends.

I'd say that making a lifestyle choice in itself has its own benefits just by making the choice at all. By taking a stand for something you value, that acts as the compass for other life choices. For me, choosing to be vegan was both an ethical choice and a vital one for my emotional and physical health. But it also acted as an anchor for my identity as I worked to heal the depression, after a time when I felt I had no identity. And choosing to stop taking drugs of any kind was a controversial choice among my family, but showed them that I was serious about my recovery. It allowed me to advocate for myself. I refused to simply take more pills. I was aware of what affected me positively, and now certainly negatively, and I was adamant about only allowing good things into my body.

"It allows me the mental clarity to freely process the issues and traumas I've been holding."

In the most recent months, I've had a bit of a battle with caffeine. That was one of the drugs I eliminated as well, seeing how it destabilized my mood during the withdrawal phase. But lately, I've found the depression to be so intense that caffeine has been helpful in very low doses (I'm talking decaf only). I've had to accept that my body and chemistry do change and will need different things at different times in my life. Maybe, in the future, I'll need to take medications again but for now, this lifestyle is the most effective. It allows me the mental clarity to freely process the issues and traumas I've been holding. I can finally start to let go of some of it, progressing in my recovery more than I ever did in the ten years of being under traditional mental health care.

What are some lifestyle choices you've made that you feel helped in your recovery? What's a lifestyle you're looking to try for yourself? How have you advocated for yourself recently? Let me know in the comments below!

Til next time,

Take care!

[violstonesofficial]

Why I Am Writing This Blog; An Introduction

Hello, My name is Brittany, and I am the founder of Violstones. I feel it is important to share why I am writing this blog in the first place. A little bit about my experience: everything in my life right now has been influenced by one significant event that happened over 6 years ago. In 2013, I almost succeeded at taking my own life. I woke from a coma to a world I didn't fully recognize and the opportunity to start anew. But I was also burdened with the fact that depression was a huge part of my existence, and if I didn’t learn to manage it, the chance of me trying again was still too great.

Violstones is choosing life, in the sense of choosing to be alive when I feel so compelled sometimes to die.

So, since then, it has become my mission to find ways to stay alive. I’ve life-hacked my way through these last few years, developing systems and making lifestyle choices that I found to be the most effective at managing my symptoms. Some of those choices include being a straight-edge vegan, being a Christian, and starting this brand Violstones. (more on being straight-edge vegan here). For me, Violstones embodies everything I’ve worked toward as far as healing and recovery. It has been the cornerstone of my healing process, the core of making choices that will uplift me. Violstones is choosing life, in the sense of choosing to be alive when I feel so compelled sometimes to die.

But I understand a lot of the concepts and themes of Violstones may not be readily understood just by looking at the jewelry and art that I create. It’s very important for me to share the understandings I’ve gained and the perspectives I’ve developed on my journey because, for me, suicide prevention and awareness is no small thing. As someone who has lived it and knows how painful it is, I know that choosing darkness, death, and depression over life, light, and love can often masquerade itself as the right choice. I started Violstones as a stand against the lies of my own depression. As I grew in my faith and developed my relationship with Jesus, (more on my Testimony here), found holistic remedies, and got in touch with my energetic and empathic side, I realized I needed to share these discoveries with anyone else who may also be in pain emotionally.

The writing arena is my sacred space, and I have reclaimed it by writing for this blog.

I will admit writing this blog does have some selfish motivations as it is a kind of journaling, a personal expression that I just need to do. In all honesty, traditional journaling has not been as effective for me as it always has been within the last year. I thought it was something depression had finally stolen from me, leading me to believe everything I had been working on up to this point was a fraud. It appeared as though depression had won, and the precipice of suicide had reappeared before me. But this, a directed set of prompts for myself to talk about how depression has not won, reflecting on all the ways I’d learned to fight it and expressly sharing what I've learned with others, has staved off the darkness-demon in this arena of my mind. It certainly attacks me in other ways, but the writing arena is my sacred space, and I have reclaimed it by writing for this blog.

Also, I would hope that this blog is a testament to how a lifestyle of healing is actually effective. The fact that I am motivated to express any of this shows, at least it shows me, that consciously choosing to live and choosing to fight mental illness has worked to facilitate recovery from the depths of my depression. It also proves to me that there is a purpose for the pain we experience as people. I have chosen to turn my experience into a vehicle for mental health awareness and serve others. With Violstones and this blog, I am choosing to succeed despite my illness and the lies it is still trying to tell me to this day.

This blog is meant to be a beacon of hope for anyone looking for it.

This blog is by no means a medical substitute, and I do not even claim to be very knowledgeable about metaphysics. But it is a testimony of my survival, and I feel that in itself is vital for me to hold onto. This is a chronicle of how far I’ve come, an opportunity to share my experience of life post suicide and show someone who may also be struggling that life does change and go on; there is more out there than the pain and trap of depression. This blog is meant to be a beacon of hope for anyone looking for it. And God willing, I will continue to share what I’ve learned with anyone who needs it. There is always a choice, and there is always hope in the darkness. All we have to do is look for it.

[violstonesofficial]

Meet Brittany "Violet" Hopwood - Voyage MIA Magazine | Miami City Guide

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[violstonesofficial]

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[violstonesofficial]

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