Description: When you fall in like with a facade.
I was putting on my mascara looking in the mirror, and Jill was sitting on my bed listening to me complain about my then boyfriends lack of enthusiasm about our relationship. She bounces upwards almost crying out "Oh my god! I have the perfect guy for you."
I wasn't so interested in the idea of being set up. No one knows what I am into. Hell, I don't even know what I look for in a guy. So I politely turned her down.
"No one knows you better than me. Come on! When have I once ever uttered those words to you? I have higher standards than you do for guys that should be dating you. His name is Guy and the two of you are perfect for each other."
That's a terrible name I thought. Pictures of what this dude would look like were pretty horrendous flashing through my head at this point.
"He's Richard's roommate. The other day we were walking into the apartment, and he's sitting on the couch, wearing his boxers, and blasting Ke$ha on his phone. Richard looks at me and says "Hey, wouldn't Guy and Alicia be perfect for each other?""
I do like some Ke$ha... Richard proposed this? This just got interesting...
"He's so sweet too. He has lunch with his father every day, and always kisses him on the cheek."
That's pretty fucking sweet.
Even though I was intrigued at that point, I turned her down.
I headed to the neighboring city to visit Jill and her boyfriend Richard about a month later. When I got there, Jill informed me that we were meeting Richard and Guy for dinner. I was not excited to meet this bro. She had told me great things about him, but right then and there I didn't care. Because I had eaten a hot dog while waiting for the bus that definitely gave me food poisoning. So up until we actually sat down for dinner, I was more concerned about not shitting my pants, and eating chewable mint flavored pepto bismol tablets.
Richard, Jill, and myself sat down at the small crowded sushi restaurant. Guy was late. I kept picturing these terrible looking dudes in my mind sitting in the seat across from me.
This is going to suck. I thought.
Suddenly a tall handsome guy wearing a pea coat slid in the seat across from me. He had tan skin, slicked back dark hair, and a crooked smile. He looked like he walked out of a J Crew catalog.
Jill and Richard were really looking out.
We started making small talk, and I made a bunch of stupid jokes that everyone actually laughed at. The whole entire dinner went really well. I was absolutely pleased with my friends pushy-ness.
However, there's the factor of, What does he think of me?
Jill was very quick to answer this question I had burning in my brain. We walked ahead of the boys after dinner, and she informed me that when I got up to go to the bathroom he announced to her and Richard, "Just for the record. I think that girl is really cute."
After dinner we made our way to a bar. We met up with Jill's two gay friends Tony and Bill. Before I knew it, we were wasted, and I was outside drunk smoking with Guy. I don't even know what we talked about, but I could tell he was kind of following me around.
Richard left the group at this point to go home because he had work the next day. Guy did not leave with the only other straight male. Instead he stayed out with two best girlfriends, and two homosexual males.
We ended up drunkenly doing karaoke at a bar down the street. I sang Ke$ha, and Salt N Peppa. I was even drunk enough to dry hump at the gays.
You can always judge a man by if he's man enough to sing, and he definitely was. I noticed the later it got, the more Guy kept disappearing with the older of the two gay men with us Tony, to go outside and smoke. Jill and I were on the couch drunkenly singing Morrissey songs sharing a mic.
When the karaoke session ended we left the bar. I confessed to Jill that I didn't know how I was going to pay for all of these drinks I did not order, but was pressured to consume by everyone. I didn't receive my direct deposit in my bank account until 9AM. She looks at me and says "It's okay. Guy will pay for it. Don't worry about it. He makes like $100,000 a year."
This was too good to be true. Attractive, sings karaoke, thinks I am cute, has a good job? Like... What?
Sure enough he paid for it. We started drunkenly walking back to Jill's house. We were all rambling on about nothing. Guy and the older gay man Tony were deep in conversation, and I could tell Tony was flirting with him. I thought it was sweet that Guy wasn't a typical bro, and upset by getting hit on by a gay man.
Then it happened. I looked down, and Guy was holding my hand. I looked at him pretty surprised, and he wasn't looking at me at all. In fact he was just casually talking to Tony about the cities layout.
We walked him to the train station and he hugged me goodbye.
"When are you coming back to the city?"
"Well then, I guess I am just going to have to come and visit you."
The next day I went shopping with Jill. I tried to not let her know that I was interested in Guy. I finally realized it was inevitable if I wanted to see him again during my trip. So I told her I'd take a later bus back home if we met up with the boys for dinner.
They both agreed, and we went to an italian place for some seriously delicious gourmet pizza. I got way too drunk on wine, and could feel myself becoming a bit obnoxious.
The second dinner was super awkward. Guy and I had to sit next to each other, and we didn't even really know how to strike up a conversation. Jill and Richard were completely all over each other being overly affectionate, and the two of us had nothing to do but sit there and watch.
I got progressively drunker and began texting during the meal. YES. I know that was rude, but he wasn't talking to me. So I gave up.
I decided to book my bus ticket home for that night on my phone. Fear washed over me. All of the busses for the rest of the evening were sold out, and I had work at 9AM the next morning so that was cool. I could feel my face getting flushed when I admitted to the table my mistake. We worked it out that since Jill was staying at Richard's and Guy's apartment that night that I would too.
I fell asleep in the cab on our way to their place. I was drunk, Jill was telling embarrassing stories from our childhood, and I kept coming in and out of consciousness occasionally commenting on situations. When we got to their apartment we took the elevator up, and I claimed a corner of the couch I was going to call bed for the night. I booked a bus ticket for 5AM to get me back home, and to work on time even if there was traffic.
Guy sat on the opposite end of the couch, and Jill directed me to where I could find a cab in the wee hours of the morning before she went to Richard's room.
Guy looked over at me and offered to take me to the bus. I didn't want to accept, but hailing a cab that early in the morning just sounded horrific.
After I had risen from the dead, and applied a natural looking layer of make up to look like I had just floated off from the couch looking immaculate. I found myself stretching in the living room waiting for this bro. I turned around after cracking my back, and he was casually standing in the doorway with his arms crossed smirking at me.
We walked to his car which ended up being a new Mercedes. As soon as we got inside of it he turned and looked at me completely shocked.
"There's a guy in that truck over there getting a blow job."
When we drove by the truck he slowed down so I could creep look in the passenger window. Sure enough there was a portly ass in the window with the appropriate head movements to confirm what Guy said he saw.
The rest of the ride was light hearted. We connected better with out our mutual friends PDA across from us. I decided that he was really nice, and that I definitely liked him. When we got to the bus station I wanted him to ask for my number, but he didn't. I wanted to give him my number, but I didn't. I thanked him for the ride and he drove off.
I later told Jill to give Guy my phone number when she asked if I made it back alright.
He texted me the next day, and for a week straight we kept in contact with each other until he asked me to come back and visit again.
So I got on the bus and headed back to the city to see what life could be like with the ideal bro. I got there early in the morning so I could spend the day with Jill before he got off of work. We were sitting in a bar wearing fur coats when she asked me the question "So what are your expectations with Guy this weekend?"
I really didn't have any. I was hoping to hang out and get to know him better, possibly kiss? I am 24 and still think like a 14 year old. This is my problem. I am so naive.
After a glass of wine my phone rang. He was back at his apartment and he wanted Jill and I to meet him there.
It was a fun evening. I gave Jill the wine I had brought with me for her, and I presented Richard and Guy with a bottle of champagne and whiskey.
"What are you exactly expecting to happen this weekend?" They asked laughing at me.
We went to a bar to grab some food. All night I kept hearing about Lou, and how much everyone was disgusted with him. He was apparently Richard and Guy's other roommate. Who is crude and foul.
"He has a tattoo that says get the butter."
Jill and Richard had a misunderstanding, and she ran out of the bar when he went to the bathroom, but some how still managed to have enough time to order another drink for me. Guy and I had a good conversation and we split the bill for the two star crossed lovers.
We took a cab back to his apartment and ended up in his room smoking weed. He was playing some bro-esque music. Possibly Phish or DMB in the background. Barf. I was willing to over look it though, because he seemed to be so wonderfully perfect. We were talking about some none sense when I noticed something unusual. He had his ties hung perfectly on a tie rack, and color coded. I walked over to them high as a kite and started cackling.
"You color code your ties?"
I looked at this row of hanging fabric and noticed that most of them were from Vineyard Vines. Something I loathed as a child and teenager.
I picked one that was yellow with little sheep printed on it, and threw it on with my fur coat. I then plopped back on the chair in his room, and noticed something else that caught my interest on the book shelf.
"You read consumer reports for fun?"
"Yeah, my Dad got me a subscription."
"Have they helped you make any important decisions?"
"Well, actually no. Because I want to buy a food processor, and there's no reports on food processors."
"I can't with you right now." I cackled.
Just then the roommate Jill, Richard, and Guy had been complaining about all evening over dinner came home. We heard him thump around the apartment for a moment.
"You've gotta meet this guy."
Guy swung the door open to grab his roommate in the hall. It felt really dramatic. Like he possibly was about to let the dogs outs.
Lou emerged from the hallway. He was short, balding, and bearded. Not at all what I pictured. He was complaining about some party he went to that was apparently held in a room titled "The Aquarium Room."
"I mean all I am saying is, if there's a room titled the aquarium room, you should have at least two or more aquariums."
I sat there bored while the two of them talked. I joined in occasionally. I realized something at this moment. That Guy actually liked Lou. He bitched with Richard and Jill about how disgusting he was, but he actually enjoyed his company.
Jill walked out of Richard's room on her way to the bathroom. Paused. Noticed that Lou was there, and gave me a really confused look.
"Alicia, can I see you in the living room?"
I somehow removed my stoned ass from the large comfy chair (which pretty much felt like torture), and followed her into the living room.
"What the fuck is Lou doing in there?"
"I am not sure. I told him that I had no interest in meeting Lou, but he insisted."
"He probably just wanted him to see how pretty you are."
We sat in the living room and talked, and I was pretty high. So I did what I always do when I am too high. I fell asleep. I came in and out of consciousness to realize that Guy and Lou had also moved to the living room, and just in time to see Jill get up and scurry off, and away from Lou, as quickly as possible.
I awoke realizing that someone was rubbing my feet. I looked over, and it was Guy sitting at the end of the couch.
"Do you want to go to the bedroom?"
I got up and followed him back into his room. In what seemed like one swift move he turned on his music, turned off the lights, leaned in for a kiss, and lowered his blinds.
He told me I was awkward.
We ended up kissing for a while, I am not sure when, but at some point I fell asleep. I woke up to him playing with my hair, and asking me if I always wake up this early.
For the rest of the day we were pretty much in his room making out.
We went out to dinner with Jill and Richard again that night. The food wasn't that good, and I started to feel sick. I was trying to be nice, but Jill got drunk off of absinthe, and made embarrassing comments at the end of the meal.
"You guys like each other so much. I can't wait until the two of you get married and have babies."
I pulled my hat over my face, begging her to stop. I stepped out side to get some fresh air because I thought I was going to puke at one point, and instead of puking lit a cigarette. Guy followed me out and kept me company. When we went back inside Richard was back at the table tending to a very drunk Jill.
"I know. I heard everything. I'll take care of it."
Richard ushered Jill away from the two of us, and threw her in a cab. Jill practically gushed at me and waved goodbye.
It was pretty amazing how much she wanted me to be happy.
Guy and I found a bar around the corner. Where he admitted to me over drinks that my sense of humor makes him feel uncomfortable. I didn't really know how to make conversation after that. We left the bar and while he was hailing a cab to take me back to his place he leaned in for a kiss that made me practically melt in his arms.
We got back to his apartment and smoked weed.
He played Jack Johnson on his i-pod.
We started kissing, and he kept trying to sleep with me. I kept pushing his hands away and saying no, but he kept trying.
"Wow, you're relentless!"
"Well, it's your fault that I am relentless."
He never answered. I rolled over and stared out of his window at the nearly deserted street below. Suddenly, I felt a whole bunch of feelings wash over me that I didn't really know how to process at that time.
He said this to me while hugging and kissing me. It made me feel much better about the situation, but not completely as comfortable as I was before. I probably would have slept with him if he had given up after a reasonable amount of attempts, and I could pretend like it was my idea. I probably would have even slept with him the next morning if we fell asleep after he gave up. I pretty much decided that I didn't want to sleep with him because he was so damn persistent.
I woke up in his arms at 10:43 AM.
"You slept a long time. I had to hold myself back from playing with your hair while you were sleeping because I didn't want to wake you up."
While I was doing my make up I confided in Jill what happened the night before.
"That's normal. Every guy I've ever made out with has tried to sleep with me since like the age of 14."
"That wasn't what was bothering me. I mean... I can understand saying no a couple of times being normal, but he just kept trying."
"Guys think every girl is going to say no the first time they try to have sex with them because they think the girl is trying to uphold a certain kind of image. He probably thought you wanted him to keep trying."
In the elevator on our way down to Guy's car he kissed me. "That lip gloss you have on feels so good. What brand is it?"
We got in his Mercedes. During the drive I looked out the passenger window at all of the buildings on our ride to the bus station. It felt nice to be driven around by an extremely handsome guy, in an extremely nice car. When he dropped me off, he got out of the car carrying my bag, and my fur coat for me. Before he handed me my things, he took me in his arms, and kissed me like I have never been kissed before.
I literally stumbled towards the bus like an idiot.
We made plans for next month for him to come visit me, and stay at my apartment. A week prior to him coming we held a full text conversation about google maps, and ONLY about google maps. I could sense something was wrong. Two days prior to his planned arrival I asked him again if he was still coming to visit.
"No, I am not going to make it out this time. It's just really bad timing... I guess I owe you a couple of shamrock shakes, huh?"
What kind of welfare witchcraft is this?
I finally pressured the issue a little more. He finally admitted to seeing someone else, and that he felt terrible for leading me on. I was disappointed, but not surprised. We lived in two different cities. This could have never worked.
Jill came to visit me in his place.
Eventually, I find out that he's regretting not coming to see me. That I was his first choice. That this other girl was just convenient, and that he actually does want to try to pursue something with me.
I was pretty excited when I got this news. I mean, I was still curious.
Not even 24 hours later, I find out that him and Lou went out together, and picked up a random girl out side of a bar. They partook in a devil's threesome.
A Devil's Threesome - When two male counterparts, and one female have... well, A threesome.
Photos were definitely snapped. Swords were probably crossed. The words "Woohoo Let's Party!" were apparently shouted.
Jill and Richard were home, and forced to listen to the threesome late into the night. Lou and Guy were under the impression that they were at Richard's parents house for the weekend.
In case this situation didn't just get eggy enough for you, Lou and Guy were also over heard by Jill saying
"We annihilated her last night. I hope she feels terrible about herself today."
All I can say is, I spooned with this bro.
'It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, it's always better when we're together'
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