the other thing ill say is it could have been very interesting for reid to address the rapid and inexplicable changes to shane’s personality at the end of the long game (immediately overcoming his disordered eating, not wanting to watch the stanley cup finals, passively forgiving everyone offscreen, being excited to play in ottawa without complications) as like……. shane is experiencing a severe dissociative episode.
shane — who at this point has spent the entire book being told by literally everyone that he needs to be less mopey and anxious and to support ilya’s life more — fully compartmentalises everything and pushes all of it down. he’s never been happier, truly. yes he’d love to host the centaurs at his new house without warning. he’d love to do a photoshoot. he’d love to post a video on instagram. he’d love to be the butt of the joke. look how much fun he’s having. this is great. he just needs to be less worried about everything and it’ll all work out. ilya will take care of it. he just needs to go to the back of the line. yes, he wants another slice of chocolate cake please and thank you
ideally i think. ilya and his parents would perhaps slowly catch on that the bizarre stepford wife act is in fact a coping mechanism and shane hollander the person is in fact grieving in total freefall. itd be nice for other characters to objectively look at the situation and think. man i can’t believe we were mad at shane for getting threatened by the commissioner of the nhl or being outed twice over or being accused of cheating and losing both his professional career and his reputation. but in the meantime shane is doing just awesome thanks for asking.
i think that by virtue of rachel reid writing ilya’s martyr complex as something noble — to both vilify shane and make ilya’s actions unquestionably selfless in the narrative — she only flattens ilya’s character. firstly, despite the long game insisting otherwise, ilya does not choose hockey over shane. he doesn’t want to go to montreal because that would mean a pay cut (‘they can’t afford us both’) and a demotion from star centre. he needs a canadian team for the passport. he is up for free agency before shane, meaning from a practical geographical perspective ottawa is the option. additionally, at the end of heated rivalry it is discussed that ottawa ‘desperately needs a star centre.’ there is no mention of ottawa being an objectively bad team, and ilya has no concerns about moving there.
i digress. if the long game had been written with any intention to show equal complexity and empathy between shane and ilya’s struggles, then the move to ottawa would have been the perfect time to showcase the emotional consequences of ilya finally making choices for his own life now that his father is dead. at best, grigori was an emotionally abusive authoritarian who had substantial control over ilya’s career. ilya’s decision to cut off his family, go to the cottage, then move to ottawa, is all in direct opposition to how we are shown he was committed to his family and russia. ilya, for the first time, decides his own relationships, his own priorities, his own team.
and it doesn’t go the way he wants. he feels isolated and alone. he feels disconnected from shane, and his hockey suffers as a result. it is very common for people with PTSD or depressive disorders to be fully functional during turbulent emotional periods, and then suffer severe ‘emotional inertia’ once they have achieved a sense of safety, as everything they were suppressing resurfaces when they no longer have to psychologically protect themselves. ilya is now loved unconditionally and supported by shane and his family, but practiced behaviour from a lifetime of abuse — that he had spent a lifetime ignoring — can no longer be ignored. all of this, feeling guilty and upset that the choice he made didn’t work, feeling depressed and unable to fully accept his feelings. all very interesting things that might inform his combative and often unkind behaviour towards shane!
his martyr complex — the idea that he has to sacrifice for his loved ones because that is what ilya is supposed to do— isn’t fair. he is projecting his family’s expectations onto shane, and not reflecting on his own actions. shane has not asked him to do this, and ilya’s anger when shane fails to acknowledge the sacrifices he never asked for could be an extremely interesting conflict in their relationship! ilya does not believe he deserves happiness, and often chooses to hurt himself rather than communicate his hurts, which in turn hurts shane! and as he continues to hurt himself and shane, i dont think its unreasonable that — while spiralling — he’d start to look for any solutions to try and immediately fix this problem and prove that he, ilya rozanov, made the right choices for himself. could that reasonably manifest as potentially self destructive behaviours like wanting to publicly come out with your boyfriend when you don’t yet have your canadian passport? possibly.
does this make him a bad person? of course not. but i think if reid had any interest in tangibly exploring his flaws and how they affect others, it would make for a much more interesting and emotionally complex narrative. ilya’s flaws aren’t that ‘he’s afraid of being hurt’ in the same way shane’s flaws aren’t ’that he’s selfish.’ to me at least, it’s just an extremely shallow and ill thought plot that leaves both shane and ilya worse off than when they started.
i like to imagine a side effect of being the worlds biggest ice hockey stars is that shane and ilya are the Most Annoying People about heat. plus they’re both from places where the average summer high is in like the 80s fahrenheit. i think the temperature breaks 90 and shane’s breaking out the little hudson-williams-style electric fans and ilya’s refusing to get out of the lake
once they live together in ottawa, hollanov have the tidiest, cleanest, most intensely kept up house ever.
shane needs things to be neat. maybe its the autism, maybe its his upbringing, maybe it’s both (looking at you yuna), but all of his stuff has an inherently correct place to be, which is clearly labeled with his top-of-the-line label-maker, even though he’d never forget anyway. everyday items are ordered perfectly to best maximize the efficiency of his and ilya’s routines, thank you very much, and any broken appliances have at most one (1) business day to resolve themselves before a professional will be called. if, god forbid, there’s no one available, well then david and his tool box are on their way over and by golly, shane and him are figuring this out themselves.
ilya, on the other hand, needs things to be clean. it’s definitely some sort of slavic trauma response thing but don’t say that to him, he will deny it. the perfect storm that was his childhood (see: dead mother, verbally abusive father, russian work ethic) manifests itself as a man who must be useful at all times. he cannot be lazy, meaning dishes are done immediately after dinner. the floor is swept, vacuumed, and mopped at least twice a week. sunday, much to her chagrin, is Anya Bath Day every week without fail. the threat of any company at all means everything is getting deep cleaned. like he’s breaking out the feather duster.
together they combine to create the most spotless and put together house ever inhabited by two jocks. they’re intense enough about it that everyone they know is aware and a little scared of them. the centaurs in particular are hyper vigilant whenever their captains invite them over for team events. in my mind they have luca house sit while they’re on their honeymoon for whatever reason and the pages of instructions they leave behind freak him out so bad that he has a panic attack in their linen closet.
i think this also means they are like a perfect well-oiled machine when cleaning. ilya’s washing dishes, shane’s putting them away. shane’s cleaning surfaces, ilya’s right behind him with a rag and lysol spray. perfect lockstep reading eachother’s minds type beat and it’s frankly terrifying to watch
Idk my one unshakable headcanon is that Ilya is the morning person. Yes he parties till god knows what hour and doesn't mind staying up late, but he also wakes up between 5:30 and 6:00 every morning like clockwork. It's a good thing too because it was key to living as peacefully as possible in his house growing up. And he doesn't hate getting his day going early. Unless he's deep in the depression. But even then, on days he can't get out of bed, he'll wake up around the same time and just lie there. It's habit at this point.
Shane, meanwhile, haaaaates mornings. He gets up at 5 every day for his first workout because he's Dedicated and Determined but he has to scrape himself off of his mattress each time, grumbling as he does. He hates the transition between sleeping and awake so fucking much, especially when it's rushed. David and Yuna developed so many creative ways of getting him up as gently as possible growing up. Part of why he loves going to his cottage so much is it's the one time of year where he doesn't have to set a crazy alarm. He can work out whenever he wants to in the day. If he sleeps in a bit he doesn't feel like he's letting anyone down. If Shane had no responsibilities? Man, he'd be sleeping in and napping as much as he could.
Whenever he and Ilya spend the night together, and certainly when they start living together, Shane gets woken up with a sweet kiss, a cup of coffee, and either breakfast in bed or pre-workout depending on if it's season or off.
once they live together in ottawa, hollanov have the tidiest, cleanest, most intensely kept up house ever.
shane needs things to be neat. maybe its the autism, maybe its his upbringing, maybe it’s both (looking at you yuna), but all of his stuff has an inherently correct place to be, which is clearly labeled with his top-of-the-line label-maker, even though he’d never forget anyway. everyday items are ordered perfectly to best maximize the efficiency of his and ilya’s routines, thank you very much, and any broken appliances have at most one (1) business day to resolve themselves before a professional will be called. if, god forbid, there’s no one available, well then david and his tool box are on their way over and by golly, shane and him are figuring this out themselves.
ilya, on the other hand, needs things to be clean. it’s definitely some sort of slavic trauma response thing but don’t say that to him, he will deny it. the perfect storm that was his childhood (see: dead mother, verbally abusive father, russian work ethic) manifests itself as a man who must be useful at all times. he cannot be lazy, meaning dishes are done immediately after dinner. the floor is swept, vacuumed, and mopped at least twice a week. sunday, much to her chagrin, is Anya Bath Day every week without fail. the threat of any company at all means everything is getting deep cleaned. like he’s breaking out the feather duster.
together they combine to create the most spotless and put together house ever inhabited by two jocks. they’re intense enough about it that everyone they know is aware and a little scared of them. the centaurs in particular are hyper vigilant whenever their captains invite them over for team events. in my mind they have luca house sit while they’re on their honeymoon for whatever reason and the pages of instructions they leave behind freak him out so bad that he has a panic attack in their linen closet.
"'We could only have one child,'' David said quietly. "We thought about adopting, but we decided in the end to just focus on making Shane the best person we could. I think we did an okay job of it.
Ilya smiled at the understatement.
"We couldn't be prouder of the man he's become,' David continued. "I don't have any Stanley Cup rings, but I have Shane.''
Chapter 39, The Long Game
....
It's Christmas of 1988.
There's one more present under the tree, and Yuna's eyes are dancing as she hands it to David. He opens it to find the tiniest pair of shoes he's ever seen.
"No. Really?" He's dizzy.
"Really," Yuna grins, and her eyes are shining with tears, and David loves that face more than anything. He hopes their baby looks just like her.
.....
It's a bitterly cold day in February of 1989 when David puts the shoes away. He pushes down all the anger of it's not fair, why us, why our baby. Yuna needs him.
The doctor had said you're young, you can try again.
.....
In the spring of 1990 the flowers are blooming to life and Yuna's belly is starting to look rounder. David looks around the empty bedroom in their Ottawa house and thinks green might be nice, something that works for a boy or a girl, a nice cheerful shade. Next week he'll buy the paint.
The call from the hospital comes before he gets the chance. When he looks at the doctor's scrubs he thinks green is the ugliest colour on earth.
.....
They don't talk about it. Not when the leaves are changing colour and the nurse offers them congratulations. Not at Christmas or New Year's as they turn the calendar over to 1991. It's Valentines Day before David gets the courage to touch the rounded swell of his wife's body and he cries when whoever is inside touches him back. It doesn't matter that they don't have a name or a face yet, he loves them so much it hurts.
.....
On a Friday morning in May, David holds his son for the first time. His face is scrunched and blotchy red and angry. He's the most perfect thing anyone has ever laid eyes on.
He watches Yuna sing and rock him near the nursery window at home, her face glowing. He thinks the yellow paint was definitely the right choice for their sunshine, their only sunshine.
.....
Shane is a chubby baby (they laugh themselves sick when the baby shoes don't even fit on his fat little biscuit feet) but by the time he turns two he has leaned out into a little boy, they think maybe they are ready to try again. David imagines a girl this time, introducing Shane to his baby sister. Melissa sounds pretty. The baby name book had said it meant honeybee and doesn't that just fit perfectly amidst sunshine and flowers and springtime?
.....
It never happens.
Shane is an only child at four and five and six and he's becoming something special on the ice, all the coaches say so. David thinks that they have no idea what they're talking about when they say that because Shane Hollander has always been special from the time he kicked and rolled inside his mother, before he ever knew what cold was.
If he's all they get, they will make sure he knows he is everything.
.....
Sometimes David wants to take Shane by the shoulders and apologize to him for making him think he has to be everything. You don't have to try so hard to be perfect for us, he wants to say. You're perfect to us because you're you, you're ours, don't you know how we prayed and hoped and waited just for you to exist, don't you know that's enough?
Much, much later as he waves to him (to them) in late evening sunshine, he sees Shane relax behind the windshield with a loving hand on the back of his neck. David feels something inside of him loosen.
.....
On Shane’s wedding day, David embraces both his sons and dances with his wife and my god, if this is all he ever gets in life, no man has ever been so lucky.
.....
"Are you ready?" Shane is smiling and his eyes are shiny. Ilya looks much the same.
David is dizzy. But he nods and holds his hands out. Shane places the baby in his arms and oh, she's so tiny. He forgot how tiny they start out.
Her little knit hat is yellow.
"Hey there, honeybee," he murmurs, and his voice is foggy with unshed tears. "I'm your grandpa."
or maybe hayden is just an imperfect friend like all of us and shane can be allowed to keep his one friend he ever had until he had already been an adult for like an entire decade
#myilya is the biggest gossip you’ve ever met. He is nosy, yappy, and an instigator. He is pretending he doesn’t know the story so he can get all the sides of it. He is blabbing on voice memos to Svetlana. He is deep in some teammate’s ex gf’s instagram, terrified of accidentally liking something. He is mad at Shane because Shane did not ask follow up questions when Yuna tells him David’s sister is getting a divorce. He is calling Yuna directly to ask follow up questions. When there was that tik tok trend of filming your friends reacting to gossip you’re telling them, he is experiencing a profound level of fomo. He is campaigning for a guest spot on Normal Gossip. This is a man who has never minded his business and I love that for him.
people tell shane things because they think he can keep a secret. and he can! he won’t though because, unfortunately for those people, he tells his husband everything. unfortunately for his husband, though, he doesn’t really ask follow up questions unless it’s hockey related.
unc yaya is baby arthur’s gay awakening :) #mythesis
sweet arthur is very shy and in his own world in general a lot but around ilya he turns mute. and hides behind shane a lot.
”ilya and the girls are going to the yard to play, do you wanna go with them arthur?” shane asks and arthur shakes his head and looks up at shane with sheer terror, gripping his pant legs like going in the yard with ilya and his sisters is a suggestion of a torture chamber
big fan of arthur pike who is just. mini shane. hayden pike watches his son, who organizes his legos by color btw, ogle ilya rozanov and is just like. what happened. shane what happened.
