Girl. 22. College Junior. I blog whatever I want. I love those who love me. And I follow back ;) Don’t forget to self-promo. I keep one page of blogs that I promote. To be on the page, just send me something in my ask with a #promo somewhere in there...
I need to know before I go insane if we’re going by real world definition of abuse or acotar world definition because no way am I calling Tamlin abusive for taking away feyres choices when Rhysand exists. Did he give her a choice when he twisted her broken bone? Did he give her a choice when he had her do things she couldn’t remember doing? Did he give her a choice when he didn’t tell her their baby was going to kill here and he decided to keep it? I’m not calling Tamlin abusive for accidentally hurting Feyre when Feyre herself exists. Didn’t she accidentally hurt Beron’s family? Didn’t she accidentally hurt the summer court? I’m not calling him abusive for going to extremes out of a perceived need to protect her from herself when all of acosf exists. Literally I need to know, either these things are okay within the narrative (which I can suspend my disbelief since fairies are not human so they don’t need to abide by our current day morality) or if they are not.
Like when I watched the vampire diaries. If I hated everyone who mass murdered people on that show, I would hate literally the entire cast. But you have to suspend disbelief because it’s fantasy and they’re not human, so while killing lots of people is generally frowned upon in the real world, we can watch people do it and feel sympathetic towards them and still like them because of how the show treats morality (can you tell I’m a Klaroline fan?) and even view mass murder as normal and necessary within the context of the show at times even when we’d frown upon it in real life. You get me?
I just need to know!!
This is an EXCELLENT point. Are we going by real world standards or not? Many stans say no, which is why Rhysand and the Inner Circle are beyond criticism for all they do. But when it comes time to discuss Tamlin or Nesta, suddenly the answer morphs into yes, and real world standards are suddenly relevant again!
Given Sarah J Maas has made it clear she wanted to send a message about abuse and red flags, that she WANTED little girls to take away a lesson about what true love is and about empowerment, I’m going to say yes—real world standards should apply to this. Sarah J Maas has made it clear she's using real world standards to teach real world lessons, after all. But they apply to ALL characters. All of them. Because that’s how abuse and red flags work in the real world. If your first boyfriend punches you in the face, and you leave him, then your second boyfriend punches you in the face, do we only label the first one abusive because you’re currently in love with the second? No! Either an action is abusive or it isn’t. Either we’re using real world standards, or we aren’t.
So with all that having been said… what are our real world standards for abuse? Let’s see.
TW: Abuse, sexual assault.
Firstly- we're talking about domestic abuse, domestic violence, and physical interpersonal abuse, so just googling the definition of “abuse” doesn’t work because that definition includes everything from abusing drugs to a judge abusing his power. The definition is simply too broad, and we’re specifically discussing domestic abuse.
So let’s use a few trusted sources to define domestic abuse.
“Domestic violence (also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), dating abuse, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” -The National Domestic Violence Hotline
“Domestic abuse, also called "domestic violence" or "intimate partner violence", can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.” -The United Nations
“Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship.” -The United States Department of Justice
“Domestic abuse includes any attempt by one person in a marriage or intimate relationship to dominate and control the other. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you.” -HelpGuide
“Interpersonal violence, often referred to as intimate partner violence, domestic violence or battering, is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence.” -Boston University
Notice something about all those definitions. Domestic abuse ALWAYS has a purpose. It’s about maintaining power and control over another person. I’d also like to note that the justification the abuser uses does not matter. If they are being controlling, they are being controlling. Period.
With all this in mind, is Tamlin abusive in ACOMAF? Yes. 100%. But is Rhysand abusive? Also yes.
The National Domestic Violence Helpline (first source above) has both a list of red flags, and it redirects to another source loveisrespect.org to list types of abuse. Let’s review the red flags Tamlin displays first.
Red flags:
Telling you that you never do anything right.
Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them. ✅ (Jealous of Lucien, ACOWAR)
Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends, family members, or peers.
Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people. ✅ (The High Lord's meeting, ACOWAR)
Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school. ✅ (Locking Feyre up, ACOMAF)
Controlling finances in the household without discussion, including taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses. ✅ (it’s not really discussed and I don’t think Feyre cares so much but I’m still putting it down, ACOMAF)
Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with.
Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.
Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions. ✅ (Generally throughout ACOMAF)
Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.
Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.
Destroying your belongings or your home ✅. (All three books)
But here’s my question. Does RHYSAND display any of these red flags? Yes.
Telling you that you never do anything right.
Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them. ✅ (Yes, in ACOMAF, to the point where once the mating bond is consummated Rhysand attacks Cassian)
Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends, family members, or peers. ✅ (yes, Rhysand strongly dislikes Feyre's sisters and despises her interacting with them, ACOMAF)
Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people. ✅ (yes, making her lap dance in ACOTAR which Feyre refers to as being “disgraced,” talking about her breasts looking like ripe apples or whatever to Tarquin in ACOMAF, reading off Nesta's spending in ACOSF to embarrass Feyre, per Feyre's own words)
Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school. ✅ (yes, he gives her “choices” that are either what he wants her to do or something she hates)
Controlling finances in the household without discussion, including taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses. ✅ (yes, to Nesta in ACOSF)
Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with. ✅ (yes, groping Feyre in ACOTAR)
Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol. ✅ (yes, in ACOTAR)
Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions. ✅ (yes, all throughout ACOTAR and especially with the mind rape)
Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.
Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.
Destroying your belongings or your home. ✅ (to Nesta, ACOSF)
They both display a slew of red flags. Note who displays more.
Now, as for types of abuse:
Physical abuse is any intentional, unwanted contact with you or something close to your body, or any behavior that causes or has the intention of causing you injury, disability, or death. Examples of physical abuse include:
Scratching, punching, biting, strangling, choking, or kicking.
Throwing items at you like a phone, book, shoe, or plate.
Pulling your hair.
Pushing or pulling you, or forcibly grabbing your clothing.
Threatening to use or using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, mace, or other weapon against you.
Touching any part of you without your permission or consent.
Forcing you to have sex or perform a sexual act.
Grabbing your face to make you look at them.
Preventing you from leaving or forcing you to go somewhere.
Ironically enough, by this definition of physical abuse, the study scene is NOT physically abusive, as it was not intentional. I’m not saying I think that’s true, I’m just saying that by this definition, Tamlin was not physically abusive in the study scene or in any other part where he loses control of his magic. It also means Feyre losing control of her magic is not abusive, as it’s not intentional. However, this does firmly render Tamlin locking Feyre up abusive. Additionally, it also means that Rhysand is abusive for locking up the Inner Circle for 50 years, and Rhysand and Feyre are BOTH abusive for locking Nesta up.
Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring or “checking in,” excessive texting, humiliation, intimidation, isolation, or stalking. Examples of behaviors that qualify as emotional or verbal abuse include:
Calling you names or putting you down.
Telling you what to do or wear.
Yelling or screaming at you.
Intentionally embarrassing you in front of others or starting rumors about you.
Preventing you from seeing or communicating with friends or family, or threatening to have your children taken away from you.
Damaging your property (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)
Using online communities or communications to control, intimidate, or humiliate you.
Blaming abusive or unhealthy behavior on you or your actions.
Being jealous of outside relationships or accusing you of cheating.
Stalking you or your loved ones.
Threatening to harm you, your pet(s), or people in your life.
Threatening to harm themselves to keep you from ending the relationship.
Gaslighting you by pretending not to understand or refusing to listen to you; questioning your recollection of facts, events, or sources; trivializing your needs or feelings; or denying previous statements or promises.
Making you feel guilty or immature when you don’t consent to sexual activity.
Threatening to expose personal details, such as your sexual orientation or immigration status.
Before anyone says it: it was Ianthe who controlled Feyre's clothing, not Tamlin. He’s still emotionally abusive, though, as he is jealous and possessive, he damages property, and he embarrasses her at the High Lord's meeting. HOWEVER, Rhysand is also abusive, as he watches Feyre through the tattoo (stalking) and makes a point of gaslighting her ALL throughout ACOMAF. Like half of the things I’ve pointed out in my retcons aren’t even retcons. They’re just things Rhysand gaslit Feyre into forgetting. For example, he makes Feyre forget that Tamlin couldn’t save her because he was… stabbed. And that he couldn’t rescue her beforehand because, by his own words UTM, Tamlin was being watching and monitored UTM. Rhysand also makes her feel guilty about not wanting his sexual advances UTM, and Feyre mentions wishing she’d “smiled at him” when he was groping her. He's also jealous of her flirting with Tarquin.
Sexual abuse refers to any behavior that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually that they don’t want to do. Examples of sexual abuse include:
Unwanted kissing or touching.
Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity.
Refusing to use condoms or restricting someone’s access to birth control. Preventing someone from using protection against sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Sexual contact with someone intoxicated from drugs or alcohol, unconscious, asleep, or otherwise unable to give clear and informed consent.
Threatening, pressuring, or otherwise forcing someone to have sex or perform sexual acts.
Using sexual insults toward someone.
Hope I don’t gotta explain this but yes. Rhysand was sexually abusive when he groped Feyre under the mountain and drugged her the whole time. I’ll also add that I have mixed feelings on Calanmai after reading this post by @longsightmyth. So idk if I can characterize Tamlin as sexually abusive.
Regardless, Tamlin and Rhysand are both abusive. They both display red flags, and both display multiple types of abuse, and if Sarah J Maas actually cared about the themes she was discussing, they would both be called out for how they act. The sad thing is… stans often fall back on the “it’s a dark romance fantasy” when explaining why they can’t hold Rhysand accountable. Because who cares what Mrs. Maas says about wanting to teach her audience lessons, right? Ironically, the only book that really could be excused that way is book 1, and only if book 1 were a standalone adult fantasy, as none of the themes about abuse or red flags are even remotely discussed there, and the book itself FEELS more whimsical and wild and ✨fae✨ But alas. ACOMAF exists, along with the lesson Sarah tried (and failed) to teach in it, and if you view that book and anything beyond it as canon, you have to use real world standards to evaluate the characters.
Hey, this was my ask! Thanks for such a long, thoughtful answer.
And the only thing I want to say in response to this, as a former msw student, is yes but let’s not forget to emphasize three things: pattern, intent to gain control, and example. These things are all examples of things that can be abusive, not things that are abusive in and of themselves. I’m only saying for educational purposes, like for example calling someone a name isn’t abusive by itself or my elementary school bullies would be abusive. Calling someone a jerk affectionately due to an inside joke once or twice is not abusive. Calling your partner stupid over and over again to the point that they believe that you’re smarter than them and so they can defer to your expertise is abusive. Just feel like I have to spell that out for people who read and think literally instead of critically.
I was on tumblr for a while years ago and only came back once I started getting in the sjm space and didn’t see anyone criticizing her the way I knew she deserved. I lurk here and on other blogs, just reading discourse and analyses and different pov and I kept having this thought in the back of my head while reading your blog and anons. So I’m thankful for you!
I can’t actually remember ever reading something like this, but I feel positive that it definitely exists somewhere in fandom, so somebody tell me where to find it:
One guy asks two girls to go on a double date with him and his friend. The girls are like “sure, sounds fun!” and the guys are like “score!” until they show up for the date and the girls hold hands, and sit next to each other, and one of them gives the other one a little cutesy couple neck kiss and the other asks the guys how long they’ve been together. And suddenly the guys aren’t really sure how to explain that they really thought they were going on a different kind of double date so they just kind of go along with it and, well, you know how this ends.
“Every year a photo of me yelling at a cop circulates and is used in a way that doesn’t reflect what was happening when the photo was taken. At the same time, it reflects exactly what it is which is white privilege and white anger that doesn’t have a place in peaceful protests. It demonstrates that because I am a white woman, I can yell in his face without being harmed while people of color are being killed for broken tail lights and selling CDs. Looking at this now, it makes me sad because I imagine how many people it angers who see it and think of people they know who have done nothing and yet received far worse than I did for this. What was a peaceful demonstration turned violent quickly as I watched the police point to a random black man in the crowd and say he was causing trouble. Once one cop says “get him” all hell breaks loose. I saw the cop nearly pull a mans arm out of his socket, protesters holding on to him by one arm and police by another. I was 17 and really freaked out and really naive. I watched a man almost get pulled apart because the cops wanted a reason to say protesters caused mayhem and I reacted. I shouldn’t have done that because it only gives cops reasons to say protestors aren’t peaceful and if someone were to be hurt because of the white anger I demonstrated towards that cop l, it wouldn’t end up being me and that’s exactly what the resistance doesn’t need. I can’t take it back, I was very young and angry and my privilege had blinded me from seeing this for many years so when I did it felt like severe injustice. That’s embarrassing and gross in its self because it shows just how protected I’ve been in my life and how I let my anger cloud a movement of resistance that I am only an ally to. I apologize to those who this image upsets and I hope it’s ok that I wanted to share a few words about it.“ [X]
OH MY GOSH IT’S TRUE. There were 0 notes, now i liked and just one note popped up! I’m.. I’m not sure how this can happen..? But now I’m part of history YEAH
24th March 2016 - 03:05 am
