I’m a hikkineet . I’m a shut in and I’m not in education or job training. I’m ashamed to say it. I’m not proud of myself. I’m about to be a legal adult and I haven’t done jack shit since the first week in 9th grade. Which is when I (illegally) dropped out.
I was sexually abused ages 3-about 8 years old. And I was in a cult when I was 13-14. I have a lot of mental disorders. I’m on disability because I cannot function like a normal person.
I don’t take care of myself. I’ve lost all motivation for self care and my hobbies. My mom helps me and tries to motivate me to do basic hygiene and do things like change my clothes , clean , take my medication, drink water and eat. I don’t do anything. I can laugh , I can have fun, I can force myself to do good but I’m exhausted from nothing.
All I think about is how to escape from my constant flashbacks , Stockholm syndrome , and disgusting thoughts. I used to cut myself. I’m a year clean. But now, if dangerous situations where I could get seriously hurt comes my way , I don’t stop it. Nothing too serious but yeah. For example: my brothers dog bit me. I tried to run away but before my mom got him away I just kind of accepted it. I could have got rabies. The thought of death and everything crossed my mind, and i realized I don’t want to die yet. But I do like pain. I feel pain , I can feel it a lot . I enjoy it. So whenever it happens to come by , I welcome it.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m on my phone and tablet all day, on the internet, on TikTok , on here on instagram. Talking to people who are like me. I’m a loser. I’m a low life. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to be a real human being. And at this point I don’t know if I should even try anymore. But I have to, I have to keep fighting . I do want a life, a career, I want to go out into the world.
(Please don’t give me advice or pity, I know what I should be doing, I know I should be better)
