Living that aroace life

There’s no such thing as too many aspec blogs HM // 26 // grey/demiace demiromantic bi lesbian // genderqueer/non-binary/bigenderflux// she/they/fae Main: @drivingthesehillsaway

[acespec-ed]

You might be sexually attracted to that person if…

- You think sexual thoughts about the person out of nowhere

- You feel aroused upon seeing the person outside of a sexual setting

- You find yourself wondering what the person is like in bed and what their genitals look like 

- You want to have sex with that person because your body is screaming for sex with that one person in particular.

- Seriously though if you’re already horny and that person is there you will feel all hot and sexually aroused and might drool a bit and fantasies of doing X-rated things to that person will fly through your mind and your body will literally be screaming for that person to take you or for you to take that person. Even just thinking about that person while horny can do this to you.

- TMI but if you get off while fantasizing about you having sex with that person, the orgasms can be absolutely mind-blowing and may even give you leg cramps.

- You really do “just know.”

You might not be sexually attracted to that person if…

- You make a conscious effort to fantasize about sex with that person, mainly to see if you actually want to

- You feel aroused during a sexual situation, but that arousal has more to do with the activities instead of the specific person. Alternatively, you just don’t feel aroused at all.

- You feel aroused at random, but it’s directed towards no one

- You want to have sex with that person because you want to make them happy or are just horny and want to get off with a partner or want babies or want money or literally any other reason aside from your body screaming for sex with that one person in particular.

- TMI but if you try to get off while fantasizing about you having sex with that person, you may get bored and start thinking of other things. Or, you may start fantasizing about that person doing sexual things that don’t involve you in which case aegosexual might be worth looking into.

- You just don’t know.

If the “you might be sexually attracted” list boggles your mind, you are possibly asexual.

If the “you might not be sexually attracted” list boggles your mind, you are possibly not asexual.

If you can relate to the “might not be sexually attracted” list, but also feel like you’ve experienced some of the things on the “might be sexually attracted” list, it may be worth checking out some acespec identities.

(Disclaimer: This is strictly based off of my own experiences as acespec and is meant to be a guide for people questioning sexual attraction. Overall, you know yourself best and I’m not gonna tell you what you’re feeling or how to identify.)

[aegosexual-moments]

These types of lists are always so helpful!

A big one too, I think is, you may fantasize, but the people in your fantasies are never YOU. They’re fictional characters or your OCs but they’re never you specifically. And if they are it’s an idealized version of you.

That top list makes me realize I’ve never experienced any of that, it’s kinda like when I stumbled into an ask Reddit about what sexual attraction felt like and I went “yeah, I have never felt THAT way and whatever I feel isn’t sexual attraction”

[zymomonasmobilis]

here it is, the info I’ve always wanted to see, breaking down attraction vs not-attraction in intense, analytical detail

[thoughtlessthinkythoughts]

Here’s a few more for aces who do experience aesthetic attraction and who aren’t repulsed, because goodness knows these are the ones that confused me when I was figuring things out. If you have sexual fantasies that involve things being in a certain situation or having things done to you, but you aren’t visualizing anything or imagining specific people, you might not experience sexual attraction

If you’ve ever had the thought “masturbation is better than sex because it is more efficient and skips the boring bits,” you might not experience sexual attraction.

If you find someone attractive, but the thought of seeing them with their clothes off isn’t more attractive, it probably isn’t sexual attraction. (A naked body is just a naked body. But people are so lovely when in a look they’ve picked out to express themselves.)

If you occasionally notice body parts considered sexual and think they look nice, but do not want to do anything sexual related to those parts, it might not be sexual attraction. (I will occasionally think someone has nice boobs or a nice butt, and I assumed that was sexual attraction for a long time. But I’ve learned that for allo people, thinking those things leads to them having a response of “therefore I want to tap that” which is absolutely baffling to me. Also, again, those thoughts don’t lead to “and therefore I want to see them without clothing.”

If your response to something that seems to be making others horny is very similar to your response to those videos of “oddly satisfying” things, it might not be sexual attraction.

[hopefully-inspiring-persona]

Holy shit. That’s what sexual attraction is???? Was that so hard to lay out like that??? I’ve never felt any of those things and thinking about doing any of that is just so bizarre lol

[katbelleinthedark]

From my personal ace experience I’ll also add: “you might not have ever had any sexual fantasies” - that can also tip you off that you’re on the spectrum.

For me it was the no attraction + no fantasies combo.

[77pink-prin-cess77]

Please don't forget about loveless people this pride month. Love doesn't make us human. People don't need to love in "other" ways to be valid. Some people are aplatonic, some afamilial, some asensual, some are heartless. They still belong. Abolish conformity and the idea that someone needs to be something specific to belong at pride.

[theechatnoir]

Any one know some books with good aro ace rep? I want to read some, but I also want my mom to read one because she seems a bit confused (she does want to learn though).

Plus not having to make a whole power point to come out would be nice.

[aroaessidhe]

I have a whole database of aro & ace books as well as a bunch of starter posts here!

I'm a firm believer in the fact that the best representation is a book that is your taste in every other way, and also happens to have an aroace character. So here's a handful, but maybe have a browse of things that seem interesting to you/her also (tho, def books of varying quality in there, haha)

I'm leaning more toward traditionally published books here, as well as modern/contemporary settings that do focus on it a bit more clearly, rather than being incidental or implied. This does mean these lean younger, which I realise may not lean toward parents' taste...

Some good middle grades about tweens figuring out they're aspec: Olivia Gray Will Not Fade Away, Just Lizzie, Every Bird A Prince, Rick

YA:

Being Aro & Being Ace anthologies have a bunch of good YA short stories about..being aro & ace. obviously not all aroace.

Dear Wendy is a YA contemporary about two aroace students becoming friends

Funeral Girl is a YA paranormal about an ace (probably aroace) girl

Elatsoe is a YA contemporary fantasy mystery about an aroace girl (not so focused on aroace identity, but good)

Loveless is one of the most known - and it is one of the only traditionally published, popular books that's about and centred on figuring out and coming out as aroace, this is what most people will probably rec if you ask this anywhere else lmao

Is Love The Answer? is a manga about a student discovering she's aroace, with multiple aspec side characters too.

Adult:

Sailing by Orion's Star (trilogy) is historical fiction about pirates with multiple aroace (man) MCs

Kaikeyi by Vaishvani Patel is historical fantasy with an aroace MC (though does marry and have children because she's royalty)

The Murderbot Diaries is a scifi series with an aroace agender MC - notably aroace because of nonhumanity, so not what everyone's looking for as a starter, but very relatable to many

Until The Last Petal Falls - an aroace QPR beauty & the beast retelling

If you're into indie urban fantasy I'd also check out Baker Thief/Painted Flock, and The Thread That Binds/The Tale That Twines

Beautyland is about an aroace woman who believes she's an alien because of how different she is from everyone else

and Convenience Store Woman similarly has a very aroace coded MC. These last two are less directly Explaining Being Aroace And Identifying As Such but very much show how it is being aroace (and neurodivergent) in an amatonormative world

Also, it's not a book, but I'd highly recommend checking out Koisenu Futari, a jdrama about two aroaces meeting and living together. It is very much about being aroace, and I think would be a good explainer for someone (if a little cheesy and straightforward in some ways, but I love it <3) Konya Sukiyaki Dayo is another jdrama with an aromantic (probably aroace) MC that I also enjoyed recently.

I don't know if any of this is what you're looking for, but maybe it can be a start!

[queerliblib]

lots of these are available through QLL! you can find them & more browsing through our aro & ace lists <3

[thepinkpestilence]

more people could identify as asexual/aromantic if they not only knew what that label is but also knew about how wide the spectrum could be. because not every ace/aro person feels the same way and even people who DO have a general idea on what it means, could still be like "yeah no i cant be possibly ace/aro because i feel/do this and that"

[genderrat]

shout out to polyamorus aromantics. shits hard out here

[lynxgriffin]

Painted a little something for International Asexuality Day and waving big hellos to all my fellow aces out there!

[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is ending up feeling like that still image from Disney's Tangled with Flynn Rider being surrounded by a bunch of swords any time you express that you think kissing your friends should be more normalized.

a few edits for your perusal!

and, a template you can easily throw in paint or some shit:

[asexualbert]

This one has made people REAL mad in the past :)

[just-aro]

ID: "literally nothing is inherently romantic" in text over the aro flag. below, the image of Flynn Rider with a number of swords pointed at him. End ID

[dathen]

The thing about the Aroace Reading of Ryland Grace/ Project Hail Mary is it still stands whether or not Grace is aroace. You know those posts like “I’m not aromantic but I believe in their beliefs”? THIS STORY BELIEVES IN OUR BELIEFS. We’re constantly saying that amatonormativity harms everyone, that your life will be richer if you value platonic relationships no less than romantic, that there’s no shame in being single, etc. The entire Project Hail Mary story—even from Rocky’s perspective!—is like a manifesto of everything we’ve been saying all along.

I DO see Ryland Grace as the aroace in space, and find the story more fulfilling through that lens, but this reading is beyond an identity ‘headcanon.’

[aromanticsky]

“marriage is a legal document that protects you, you’ve gotta decouple it in your brain from romance and amatonormativity” the fact that marriage is a legal document that protects and privileges you (that, might I add, generally isn’t valid without romance+sex) is LITERALLY amatonormativity. A legal status that privileges people in monogamous long-term romantic-sexual relationships IS AMATONORMATIVITY. That is *what it was coined to talk about.*

[aromanticsky]

who gets to see you in the hospital- what about my best friend of twelve years? We’re not married and we never will be, so she doesn’t legally count as my family. I have known her since we were six years old and if something happened to me I would want her to know and be able to be there and if something happened to her I would want to know and be able to be there, but we’re not married and never will be.

YES, marriage is a legal document that protects you- now think about where that leaves those of us with no partner, with multiple partners, with important relationships that aren’t and never will be marriage, with partners we can’t marry- what about us? THAT IS AMATONORMATIVITY.

[echoeyee]

i love when exclusionists try to fearmonger about hypothetical cishet alloaro men as if they're the last line of defense against some sort of Fuckboy Invasion of Queer Spaces. like we all universally agree aros are queer and suddenly Gym Bro Josh is going to pride in aro flag gear so he can siphon money from queer charities or whatever the fuck

[echoeyee]

like i WISH there was a flood of cishet men openly identifying as aromantic. i wish aromantic identity was known and accepted enough that Gym Bro Josh could realize that about himself and live his truth but unfortunately we live in a world where even niche queer spaces can barely wrap their heads around the concept of alloaros let alone, like, the rest of society

[mossy-aro]

the frustration of seeing people dismiss the concept of amatonormativity based on bad faith applications of it by people who dont know what theyre talking about is crazyyy because i don’t even know who to be more annoyed w at a certain point. like i know the aromantic community has glommed onto the concept of amatonormativity like glue because its something that speaks to many of our experiences so closely but its also like i don’t know how to say this nicely literally an academic term coined by a feminist scholar in the context of queer and non normative relationships and it isnt intrinsically about aromanticism. at all. and you do not miraculously understand amatonormativity on the basis of just being aromantic. many of you need to read a book

[rabbitheatedgrrrl]

Not wanting to have sex is NOT a problem. It doesn’t matter if you are asexual or allo, there is nothing wrong with not wanting sex. It’s just an activity. That’d be like saying that if you don’t like soccer, you need to go to soccer therapy to figure out why you dislike it and figure out how to like it because it’s for your own good. See how ridiculous that sounds? IT IS OK TO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX AND IT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE FIXED!!!!!!

[madgastronomer]

And if you disagree, you're not really sex positive.

[rabbitheatedgrrrl]

EXACTLY! Sex positivity includes asexuals! And quite literally the point of sexual liberation is to do what you feel comfortable with! Sometimes sexual liberation for someone is to never have it! That’s so liberating!

[the-fallen-collective]

i need more fantasy novels with aromantic main characters, someone i can relate to. More aroallo main characters, i can find books with ace main characters and even aroace main characters, and while we need more of those too, i cant really find any fantasy novels with aro main characters

[shingekinomyfeelings]

Shoutout to the asexuals who:

do NOT like sex, even with someone you love

will NEVER have sex, not even 'to find out if you enjoy it,' because you don't want to

have NO curiosity about sex and do not write, read, or enjoy smut

are SEX-REPULSED and have to beg your friends to stop talking about their sex lives in graphic detail when you're together

You are not broken, weird, or alien

Your boundaries are real, and valid, and you deserve for them to be respected

You deserve to be both treated and regarded as an Adult by your sex-having peers

If any of your sex-having or sex-wanting peers cannot or will not regard you as an Adult and as a complete person because of your asexuality, your indifference to sex, your revulsion for sex, or your virginity, I need you to know something:

They are in fact the living, breathing proof that having sex does not grant either maturity or a fuller understanding of human nature.

You're okay. I promise.

[this-is-arophobia]

The expectation that alloaros need to disclaimer any talk of sexual relationships with a sentence on how it's consensual & they're not leading anybody on is arophobia.

Every other type of relationship is assumed to be consensual & have mutual attraction. until stated otherwise. Sexual relationships should be that way too.

this is (allo)arophobia

[aromantic-journal]

The way fandom treats aro/ace characters is bad because it's very telling of how most people view aromanticism and asexuality in real life, because it's evident that they simply do not want to engage with these things or fit them into their worldview. Not because someone writing a smut fic about an ace character is somehow on the same level as them pressuring a real life sex-repulsed asexual person into sex. It's a fictional character being written in a way that contradicts the source material, not a real person having their boundaries violated. No amount of fanfic about them will alter the source material because that is not how fanfiction works.

What fandom aphobia reveals is that most non-aspec people don't want their faves to be aro/ace because they don't find that engaging. They don't want characters they like to be aro/ace not because everyone is sooo obsessed with shipping (shipping is a cornerstone of fandom culture and it's not going anywhere, you have to get over that), but because they just don't want to expand their worldview to fit aro/ace people into it. They don't want to learn about what aspec experiences are actually like, they don't want to see aspec stories, they just want us to be as ignorable as possible.

This can be discussed without shitting on romance/sex-favorable people and implying that the only good aro/ace representation is 100% repulsed and anything else is erasure. We do actually need representation of different types of aspec people and it isn't just The Mean Allos saying "aros can still date and aces can still have sex" to justify their fanfic

[makingqueerhistory]

Hello! I was wondering if you have any recommendations for books on asexuality (both fiction and non)? I tried searching through your blog but I didn't see anything other than The Bone People (which is already on my list).

Thank you in advance, and thank you for this project! I haven't read all of your articles, but the ones I have were wonderfully written and very insightful. ^.^

Absolutely! We have a few to recommend!

Ace

Refusing Compulsory Sexuality

I would love to read some more recently released books though, does anyone in our audience have any recommendations?