This is universal. This comedy transcends time and language.
Hes right
#my guy lost knife priviledges real fast
styofa doing anything
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda

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i don't do bad sauce passes
Claire Keane
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@aroqueerfandoms
This is universal. This comedy transcends time and language.
Hes right
#my guy lost knife priviledges real fast
.fifty-one :) i forgot that this is my au so i can make my own headcanons come tru so: SHANE HOLLANDER SCROLLS ZILLOW IN HIS FREE TIME!! HE DOES!! I KNOW IT!!
Now I'm imagining him browsing Zillow Gone Wild, and rolling his eyes so hard. "Ilya, look what they did to this place!" ;)
no more historic events this decade that is ENOUGH, i’m putting my foot down
History is not done with us yet my friend
I have received all manner of threat, up to and beyond “I will play a flute carved from your femur,” and yet this is the first time I’ve felt truly threatened
i knew posting this in 2022 was risky but holy fucking shit
damn he really is an all-time poster
1x01. 1221
you don't even have a dog
with how deeply physical their bond is, i don't think that hollanov ever bothered to develop a safeword. i do think, though, that they developed-- by accident!-- a physical system to tell each other how they are feeling. and it definitely bleeds into their life outside the bedroom, and it's definitely subconscious at this point, and it definitely makes it into the locker room and onto the ice by the time they're both in ottawa.
which means maybe the centaurs have picked up on the fact that hey, sometimes when shane wants ilya to stop doing something, he taps his arm twice. or if ilya wants shane to move one way, he taps him three times. or if he just wants his attention, its a squeeze. which is all relatively normal, and they probably think its cute that they have an unspoken language for communicating with one another.
and then maybe-- by accident!-- it starts taking root as a thing, and then mindlessly troy or wyatt or bood accidentally double pats shane's arm to get him to stop talking to ilya for a moment, and shane thinks for a moment, that was a weird coincidence, and moves on. but then it happens again, and then maybe luca squeezes his arm to get his attention and then bood taps him three times to get him to move aside so he can walk past and shane feels himself flush to the ears and catches ilya's eyes across the room and ilya definitely noticed that too. so now what? they can't full well ask them to stop without saying, hey, so this was a sex thing. but it'd be weird to let it continue... right?
hayden keeps telling me its so awesome to have a captain who appreciates the sober lifestyle and im like thats great man but i dont think where i go when im sucking dick and cock counts as being “sober” to be completely honest like idk if it’s the taste or just the weight of it or whatever but I’m like. Not on this planet anymore.
Stop telling me to google search “submissive” and “subspace ”. I have done that several times. This is about getting cock drunk, which is real and a completely separate thing that means far less about myself as a person than the thing you’re thinking of. It’s different.
ilya telling shane about irina and how they were best friends and he hung out with her all the time and he was her protector and he would skip school on her bad days to brush her hair and make sure she ate something even if it was just tea and she was an angel and you know shane is calculating how best to gently bring up to his husband that that doesn’t sound like it was very fair to child ilya without ilya reacting like a wild fucking animal
ilya comes back from therapy with galina like three months after this fight (of course it was a fight) and with the same candor as ashley padilla in the mom confession sketch goes i’m only going to say this once and i’m only going to say it if after i do you promise you will not react no talking no faces no nothing and shane’s on the couch reading like uh. what’s going on? and ilya goes what i have to tell you. Is that I think I was treated unfairly. By my mom. and of course shane makes a face and ilya is reacting like a wild fucking animal
they just don’t do any classic homophobic children moments like this anymore
There was really no winning that one
that one second of Ilya fixing his hair before opening the door shirtless for Shane literally fucking HAUNTS me I swear…
like, the implications….
I think Ilya really does play to his strengths when it comes to wooing Shane, not just because his strengths are STRONG but also he thinks they’re all he has.
(these strengths are ofc, his appearance, his hockey, his charm and his sexual ability)
He doesn’t think anything else about him would make Shane want him (actually he thinks everything else about him would make Shane want to get AWAY from him) so he does what he can to hide his feelings and personality and shows off everything else:
Because he WANTS Shane, and wants Shane to want him, so he shows off his shirtless abs and fixes his hair and brags about his place in the scoring race :((
fucking OW???
these tags by @mymissus...
I know I wrote the post but way to fucking hurt me omg??
Anyway but yeah, you're actually so right for this. I really love this interpretation of the scene, especially because it's SO fucking sad, man.
Of course Ilya loves Svetlana to death, but the relationship he has with her only works because he doesn't love her romantically.
If we're looking at this scene like Ilya is doing an audition for an *actually friends* - with benefits relationship with Shane, he really is trying to fully torture himself here.
Deep down, Ilya absolutely knows that his feelings for Shane are NOT like his feelings for Svetlana. With Sveta, they're down to wingman each other and hear the detailed play-byplay of their last hookup, and they each have a guaranteed maid of honor/best man spot at each others weddings.
Ilya being close enough to fuck Shane and also hear about Shane fucking other people? Would Kill Him.
And he knows that!! Yes it's masochistic on his part but it also speaks to just how bad he wants to be close to Shane.
He's literally Icarus here, and Shane is the sun.
(Oh and also yes the long sleeve bit of the montage was my other inspo for this post, you're reading my mind EXACTLY)
Almost replied in the tags because I’m allergic to adding my own thoughts to reblogs lol but - yes exactly. It IS so sad because it’s all he thinks he can get and maybe all he thinks he deserves. So yes it would absolutely not be the same with Shane, it would fucking kill him to know he’d been with other people, but the alternative in his mind is to stop seeing Shane altogether, and he can’t do that either. So he’ll just torture himself.
This is also why his face on the beach in Tampa kills me. We all know Shane has shown up confident in his Miami Vice stylist look because he’s finally accepted who and what he is and he’s ready to talk to Ilya about what they are. But Ilya doesn’t know that. In Ilya’s mind he introduced the notion of hanging out in edition to hooking up, Shane freaked out, got a stylist and started dating a movie star. And while they might not be together anymore, Shane doesn’t seem that broken up about it which probably makes him seem to Ilya like even more of a confident guy who doesn’t need him anymore. He doesn’t yet know Shane is gay. When he and Shane have the two “compatible” exchanges all Ilya knows is that Shane wouldn’t cheat on his girlfriend. He’s too good of a person for that. So this just means hooking up this weekend is back on the table. Not necessarily that Shane is making some grand statement about himself and women.
All this to say his face in that scene on the beach - I saw an edit once with the Phoebe Bridgers lyrics “you couldn’t have stuck your tongue down the throat of somebody who loves you more / so I will wait for the next time you want me like a dog with a bird at your door” and that just encapsulates it perfectly for me. To me Ilya here is like “okay so we can’t be boyfriends and I guess we can’t be friends with benefits so we’ll just go back to hooking up and I will make it so that I’m fine with that.” He just always has had to work with whatever he was allowed.
But then because he’s so fucking Russian (I didn’t think I was gonna go on this long lol) when he finds out Shane actually DOES like him in the hotel room it’s like WORSE lol. It’s like the part in the book when Shane says “let’s be honest with each other” at the cabin and Ilya’s narration is like I can’t do that because if I do he’ll laugh at me, or worse he’ll say it back, and then what the fuck are we supposed to do. So at the hotel when he finds out he’s wrong, Shane doesn’t just want to hook up, he’s actually sorry about getting freaked out, he’s apologizing TWICE about that actually and he wants to talk about how they like each other Ilya is like so overwhelmed he could cry because he does not know what to do with that.
It parallels to me too - and then I swear I’ll shut up, I haven’t typed this much outside of tags since like 2013 - the Vegas stuff. In the bathroom scene I feel like Ilya is very much apologizing to Shane for the Olympics and saying “don’t worry, it’s fine, we can go back to hooking up, I want to.” You know, thinking he can still keep control of this thing and keep it just a sexy fun time. But then he like plays himself because Shane isn’t like reluctantly getting back into it, he’s jumping into it fully by like telling him about his dad and asking about Russia and committing himself fully to their intimate dynamic. And he crashes out because of how into it he is and how much it only leaves him wanting more from Shane. So it’s like the junior version of Tampa to me in that both times Ilya thinks he can settle them into a familiar and safe dynamic and Shane is like “nope, this is different” both unintentionally and intentionally.
@hangingonyourwords because we talk about this constantly.
wow thank you for the honour of this masters degree ass statement??? Clock after clock actually. WOW everything hurts.
I think you’re totally right about Vegas and Tampa mirroring each other to some degree and Ilya and Shane not really learning their lessons about what they can or can’t have in this relationship.
Probably because of a really key factor that I never see anyone talk about- literally just time.
Vegas was what, mid 2014? Tampa is late 2016? That’s like two and a half years of these young guys lives, and especially going back to 2008, 09, 10 etc, like… no wonder they make the same stupid mistakes over the years!!
who’s the fuck remembers all of these details that well!!
(sorry such a side tangent lmao but I think a good contextual factor in why Hollanov are stupid sometimes)
thank you so much for writing all that!!
Tampa is January or early February 2017, I believe. All Stars is always January or February. So they’re both 25 by the time they talk in Tampa.
Shane turns 26 on May 10, 2017, and Ilya on June 15, 2017. According to the wiki, anyway.
Pls. do not re-post/reupload or use outside of tumblr without my permission. Ilya: Is joke, Shane! I sowee Shaaaaannneeee 😭
everyone: happy pride month 🌈
my brain at 12:00 am on june 1st:
voice of someone who has read exactly 101437586970 "internet reacts to hollanov + especially shane's trip" fics: what if, after shane joins the centaurs, they decide to finally put the discourse to rest via a practice game where shane & ilya are instructed to actually try to throw the game for each other
5 minutes into watching shane "autistic hockey god" hollander trying and failing to Not be the best, while ilya "incurable loverboy" rozanov tries and fails to choose subtlety over the drama of ragebaiting his beloved even one time, the internet promptly clowns montreal into the fucking sun
when i was a tiny baby queer (aka a 24-year-old), i went to my first pride festival probably three months after i kicked ex-gay therapy to the curb and came out to my parents. being the people they are, my parents came with me. they weren’t really sure about this whole gay thing, but they loved me and wanted me to be safe and happy and wanted to be involved in what was important to me, so they came along. (i also think my mother still might have thought i might get drugged or murdered or beaten by a protester of which there were plenty.)
anyway i wanted a memento of my first pride, you know, and this one vendor was selling keyrings, and i liked it, so i bought one. do you remember those italian charm bracelets that were all the rage like 10-15 years ago? it was a keychain like that, and it had a rainbow rooster, a rainbow cat, and then just a rainbow, and so I bought it.
i run into my mom a couple of vendors over and she goes oh you bought something? what’d you get? so i showed her, and i was like, “I’m not sure why it’s a rooster and a cat. Seems kind of random. But I liked the rainbows.”
and my mom, who was some form of minister’s wife for most of my childhood and teenagerhood, stares at me like she thinks i’m joking.
“What?” i say.
“…it’s a cock and a pussy, Jules,” she says flatly, and that is the story of how i died at the age of 24 while attending my first pride festival.
I love how every June this one gets dug up and passed around again, lmao.
oh no is this what we’re doing now
…relic…
*crumbles and blows away on the wind*
my unpopular opinion (i think?) is that shane doesn't really use pet names on ilya, at least not at first and not before he works through some of his internalized homophobia, and then, the first time he absentmindedly drops a 'babe' on ilya, ilya nearly brains himself on the nearest surface
like everything with them, it happens during sex first. ilya's eating him out slow and sloppy, spit dripping down his chin, two fingers teasing at shane's prostate, when shane pulls his hair and whines "ilya, baby, please."
blood rushes to ilya's dick so fast he almost blacks out. baby. he pulls away. shane whines again, pulls again, begs again, "nononono don't stop, baby, please--"
"say it again," he croaks. he'd meant it to come out stronger than that, but he's fighting shane's hold and flailing for the lube and trying to slick himself all at once while his brain goes baby baby baby he called me baby i'm his baby.
"please."
"not that. what did you call me? call me that again."
he lines himself up while shane tries to collect himself. finally recognition lights his eyes. he sniffles. "...baby?"
ilya sinks into him with a groan. shane's tighter than they usually like, but he keeps pressing forward anyway, through the stretch, through the heat, through their combined cries of pleasure, and he fucks shane until neither of them can speak.
after that, shane quickly learns calling ilya "baby" is the quickest way to make his brain stop working. ilya gets him a ginger ale from his parents' fridge, shane says "thank you baby" and ilya walks into the wall. they're coming off the ice after practice, shane says "hey babe don't forget--" and ilya trips over his own skates and almost causes a ten-Centaur pileup. shane says "babe will you--" and ilya stands up so fast he bangs his knee on the table.
but he never gets embarrassed no matter how ridiculous he looks, and he never chirps back no matter how relentlessly he's mocked. if anything, he leans into it all, puffing out his chest and playing up his reactions until shane's belly laughing with delight.
"is only reaction when you are shane hollander's baby," he declares. "only natural. no other choice. you would not know this. you will never understand. he is mine, and only i am his baby."
Lets hear it for Malicious Compliance
*filming literal mold* “There is a bit of a damp problem…” The signs saying “DON’T BUY THIS” are a beautiful touch.
Official silly sign(s)