Dodging Billables

I'm one of the old ladies of Tumblr, a married lawyer mama adulting on a daily basis. Vote blue every time and fuck the GOP. I'm happy in the Dramione dumpster and fell hard into Heated Rivalry. I loved Captain Swan and Reylo (see "cs fic rec" and "reylo fic rec" tags), and still love wheel of time, pretty dresses, the Muppets, feminism, mental health, and angrily ranting about gerrymandering, voter suppression, and reproductive justice. If you are a fan of any of the above, you can come sit by me. Please make a plan to vote in every election and then actually vote.

[keyfili]

PACIFIC RIM / faceless 2013 • dir. Guillermo del Toro

[goldcrescent]

My new pet peeve is people completely misunderstanding the term Male Gaze and making the term female gaze based entirely on that misunderstanding

[goldcrescent]

the white boy of the month pushing his hair back and reading poetry for the camera is not the equivalent of the dehumanization of women in visual media by way of presenting them primarily as vessels for sexual gratification

[poetrylesbian]

[poetrylesbian]

[mf-dooom]

[yetanothergreyjedi]

that is the face of a man worried he will be next

[ashtraythief]

Good news, he was not next! In fact, she accepted him as her mate, he learned the crane mating dance and now every year, he artificially inseminates her with crane semen to expand the very endangered crane population. True story.

[luulapants]

Sorry, he WHAT? Imagine being this man's boss and having to sit him down like. Listen. Brian. We need you to fuck the bird. You have to act like you're excited about it.

[whetstonefires]

crane husband.....

[roach-works]

this is the diametric opposite of all those awful swan wife stories and i love it.

[alex51324]

(WalWaPo makes you jump through like three separate hoops before you can read the article, so I will share some of the highlights:

Walnut was born in a species-recovery breeding program in the 1980′s.  The program had crane chicks hand-raised by human volunteers, and at that time they did not fully understand the measures necessary make sure that the chicks do not imprint on humans and retain their identity as cranes.  

As a result, her keepers believe, Walnut does not recognize other cranes as members of her own species.  

It has not been proven that Walnut killed her previous suitors; however, there is a persistent rumor in the white-naped-crane-conservation community that she did.  

Because this species is highly endangered, and the gene pool of the captive population is small, it’s pretty important for the survival of her species that Walnut A) mate, and B) not kill a bunch of other cranes.  

The actual name of the keeper is Chris Crowe.

They both arrived at the Smithsonian Conservation Biology Institute in 2004.   

Walnut immediately began paying special attention to Chris--and ignoring the eligible male crane in a nearby enclosure.  

Walnut initiated their courtship, performing the opening moves of a mating dance.  

Chris realized that if he reciprocated the mating dance, it might be possible to artificially inseminate Walnut with her participation and consent.  (The process normally involves restraining the bird.)  

It worked!  

Chris and Walnut have had five children, who were raised by other crane couples at the facility--sometimes the biological dad and his mate--both because it’s unclear whether Walnut would accept the chicks as her own, and because Chris is not equipped to be a Crane Dad.  

However, the Institute provides her with artificial eggs to sit on, and Chris takes his turn looking after them.  (This would not work with real eggs because he can’t sit on them properly, but Walnut seems to feel that he is on the job if he just stands over them.)

Chris accepts that he is pretty much married to this bird.  White-naped cranes live to be about 60, and they mate for life, so he knows he can’t retire while Walnut is alive.  (At the time of the article, Walnut was 36, and Chris 42.)  

[thesylverlining]

Legit cannot pick the funniest part of this

she has not been PROVEN to have killed her exes, but there is a PERSISTENT RUMOR (really officers she's simply DEVASTATED, she sobs, wearing a new feather boa unfortunately resembling her most recent deceased husband)

His name is Chris CROWE. (Mrs. Walnut Crane-Crowe?)

the mental images of a whole human man learning and performing the crane mating dance, and "sitting" on artificial eggs so she thinks he's performing his duties as a husband and father (and apparently OBJECTS if he does not?)

"chris, buddy, you gotta marry the possibly-murderous crane lady for the GOOD OF THE SPECIES." (alternately: "chris, my man! good news! we found you a very interested lady! She's 36, she's very spirited and independent, she holds a very important and rare status in her society! ...Is there a downside? WELL...")

chris sits any potential human partners down, like "my love, you must understand before we wed,,, i am already... Attached" (camera drifts wistfully to the above photo) "Lady Walnut and I have an,, Understanding... the relationship is open, but very committed"

[anais-ninja-bitch]

just had to explain this post to my father bc he thought my stifled laughter was a signal of illness.

well done, everyone, good game. hit the showers.

[largishcat]

[eshlimoriarty]

[lazorsandparadox]

Not only is he 'married' to walnut, this has apparently happened SEVERAL times, so he has MULTIPLE crane wives, none of which know about any of his other crane wives. This man is, for some unknown reason, irresistible to cranes

[queersatanic]

the “this content has been removed for violating Tumblr’s Community Guidelines” notice really adds a lot of flavor to this post and somehow makes it MORE obscene than whatever that actually was

[worldheritageposts-official]

World Heritage Post

[kedreeva]

I regret being the bearer of bad news, but I thought it should be shared that Walnut passed away in January of this year (2024). There's a lot of mixed info about the lifespan of cranes (due to people misunderstanding what a median is...) but the average for most species I know of is 20-30 years (in the wild if nothing eats them/they don't die young), and 30-45 in captivity, with the oldest known white-naped crane having loved to be 46. Given that she was 42, this old gal did good, and I'm certain she will be missed by folks here.

[optimysticals]

Fly on forever Walnut Crane-Crowe

[blumineck]

I’ve got a lot of Thoughts(tm) about The Odyssey at the moment, but damnit Blum I’m an archer, not a film critic, so here’s something in my lane!

[personsonable-deactivated201908]

me holding a gun to a mushroom: tell me the name of god you fungal piece of shit

mushroom: can you feel your heart burning? can you feel the struggle within? the fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. you cannot kill me in a way that matters

me cocking the gun, tears streaming down my face: I’M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU

[miaislying]

Hey OP? What the FUCK does this mean?

[personsonable-deactivated201908]

decay exists as an extant form of life

[miaislying]

That’s a terrifying answer, have a nice day

[haystarlight]

THE ORIGINAL?!?!!!!!!!!;!!!!!!!!???

[rabidwolf2point0]

Every time amber heard gets brought up as the butt of a joke I am obviously expected to agree with and accept, I face this internal battle. Like it’s often this aside in conversation where I don’t want to derail the larger point, depending on the person. But also. Did you know it was a civil case? Did you know she was sued over the op-Ed about dv that did not mention Depp by name? Did you know about their age gap when they first met? Did you know about his extensive, and expensively suppressed, history of violence and abuse? Did you know about the perfume in the bathroom during the trial? Have you read The Gift of Fear (and thus know that certain abusers prolong abuse within the courts)? Did you ever consider that the inundation of reels and other short form videos during that joke of a trial, was by design? Did you know I don’t much use Facebook, or YouTube, but whether logged out or logged in, all my suggestions were cruelly mocking her?? Did you know about the Saudi money? Did you know we all have a predisposition to savage women? Did you know we are all excited when we have an excuse to direct misogyny towards a rationalized target? Did you know expressing misogyny is conditioned to inherently feel good? Did you ever wonder if you fell for a scheme on a scale beyond the comprehension of the ordinary individual, within scope, expense, and effort? Nah she’s probably just a bitch.

[3liza]

once you reach a certain level of Animal Knowing you become burdened with two absolutely true, completely contradictory facts:

animals are basically the same, a lion is a big kitty

a lion is absolutely not a big kitty, are you fucking stupid?

[hasufin]

Back when I was in high school, volunteering at the zoo, I had this encounter with one of our mountain lions.

Now, I had actually petted the older, calmer female. But this was one of the males - they'd never been even slightly interested in me. But today? He made eye contact with me. He hunkered down. He did the butt waggle like he was going to pounce. Again. And... POUNCE. That cat crossed a good 20 meters in about 3 seconds. He only turned away at the last moment because there was an electrified fence.

He made sure I knew he was there. He wasn't hunting: he was playing. This was exactly like a housecat playing with you.

But, just because he was playing, didn't mean I wouldn't have been dead if he'd actually pounced on me.

They are big kitties. It's just that housecats are small and can't seriously injure you.

[beginning-to-be-happy]

Thank you, that was terrifying

[bigboysdrinkmilk]

Why is there a diarrhea parasite outbreak in America?

Because Donald Trump and his Republican allies cut funding to disease prevention and control.

Why is measles back in America?

Because Donald Trump and his Republican allies, including RFK Jr, cut vaccine and measles prevention funding and programs.

Why is the New World Screwworm infecting cattle in Texas, when it had previously been eliminated from the area?

Because Donald Trump and his Republican allies, including Elon Musk, cut USAID funding, which in part worked to monitor and prevent screwworm outbreaks.

Why was there a flu outbreak in our armed forces?

Because Donald Trump and his Republican allies, including Pete Hegseth, cut vaccination requirements for our armed forces, putting all of them at risk alongside our military readiness.

What contributed to the Covid outbreak?

Donald Trump and his Republican allies cut funding to a pandemic prevention program in his first term because Barack Obama had created it.

“America first” sends its regards. Trump voters, please learn your lesson. And if you don’t, it’ll be taught to you again with yet another diarrhea outbreak.

[bigboysdrinkmilk]

[sunderwight]

Mulan AU where she does get caught by the other fresh recruits while she's bathing but Mushu helps her spin it like the lake is cursed by an evil lizard demon and will turn men into women if they stay in it for too long.

From there it's not actually difficult to get the other soldiers onboard with covering up the fact that poor Ping took one for the team and got afflicted by the vagina curse, especially since it would have been all of them if they hadn't gotten the warning ahead of time. So they agree to help him cover it up, because obviously the army's not going to understand.

Shang is... tentatively glad that the men are bonding and getting along, even if they continue to be deeply weird about it.

[great-art-and-a-purple-tongue]

Ling: Hey man, what's up— you've got boobs?!?!

Mulan: Uh, what boobs? Huh? Where did these come from?

Mushu: *facepalms and thinks quickly* (speaks from the shadows) I AM THE SPIRIT OF THE LAKE! BEWARE MY CURSED WATERS FOR THEY WILL TURN MEN INTO WOMEN!

Ling, Yao, and Chien Po: Oh no! The spirit of the cursed waters!

[metazanni]

I love tumblr's dedication to solving problems in the funniest way possible.

[dvandom]

And the most "make more problems" way possible.

[myfairynuffstuff]

Erika Toliusis (b.1969) - Pacific Angel. 2022. Oil with palette knife on canvas.

[annacaffeina]

I just drove past a restaurant outdoor seating area. There was a man eating at one of the tables barefoot, stretched out on the bench with his bare feet on the bench. Context: this is a restaurant/pub deal where people eat dinner. Not a ice cream stand or something.

this behavior is

this is ok

this is a minor social faux pas

kill the man. burn the bench.

I will not register my opinion but I will interact with this poll

Remaining time: 4 days 1 hour

Reblog this poll so I can get more results that I can pretend will affect my opinion.

[wokefrogvirus]

let’s have a blast with mama

[oblivioustoast]

photographer credit from the notes!

[augustdementhe]

YAY, CREDIT. Go buy a print from him, if you're so inclined:

SHOP | kunalphotography

[ryelandgrace]

Imagine for a second that you're an interstellar microorganism. I'm not doing that.

Project Hail Mary (2026) dir. Phil Lord & Chris Miller

[elusivehoney]

"This is the 90's! The 1990's, in point of fact."

Buffy The Vampire Slayer | Season One | 1997

[lopkelepke]

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

[fox-bright]

hi any life advice for 21yo

Don't date thirty-year-olds until you are at least 25.

Having a glass of water for every glass of alcohol will give you a 50% reduction in hangover viciousness.

Bad people will use your willingness to be quiet as a weapon against you. If someone's being awful to you and trusting you'll be quiet to keep from making waves, surprise them.

There is no physical object in the world that is worth as much as your honor.

Honor is not the same as dignity. Retaining one sometimes means leaving the other aside.

Don't have any sex you don't want to have; have as much as you want of the sex that you do, whether that's a lot, a little, or none at all. Nothing you can do to your own body is immoral, unless you're doing it as an act of self-punishment.

Food is morally neutral. You do not have to earn the right to eat calories. Fat and sugar keep your brain from eating itself.

Learning to sit still and breathe--in, in, in, hold, hold, hold, out, out, out, out, out, out--can give you five feet of clear space around yourself in a maelstrom.

Find out how to make three good meals: A comfort meal you can make for just yourself relatively easily, a fancy meal you can use to wow a date, and a meal you can feed a bunch of people. All the other cooking can come later, but you can build a community on those three meals.

If you ever get to the point that things are so bleak you can see no other way forward but to die, make any other choice. If that means leaving everything you own and being a beach bum, or quitting your career, or taking up or leaving a religion, or deciding to bicycle across the country, so be it; living means more chances, dying means everything stops and you don't get to see any more interesting things. As you have not yet seen all the things that can interest you, it is better to live.

[artielu]

11. Stay up to date on your vaccinations and boosters. Get the HPV vaccine if your parents didn't take care of that. Planned parenthood will help you if you don't have health insurance.

12. Sunscreen on your face every day. SPF 30 or more. Every day. Any drugstore brand is fine. The trader Joe's SPF 40 is cheap and works great.

13. Compound interest is your friend in savings. If your job offers a 401k, use it. Even if you can only put in $100 a year, forty years of compound interest is going to pay off. https://www.nerdwallet.com/banking/calculators/compound-interest-calculator

14a. Don't fuck up your credit if you can avoid it. Don't miss minimum payments if you can avoid it. Call your credit card company and ask for help before you get behind. Use income based repayment on your student loans. They might help you. In most contexts, help is available for those who ask nicely.

14b. But shit happens and the financial system is designed to help banks and not regular people, so you are not a Bad Person if you fuck up your credit. That's a puritan voice in your head that you didn't invite. Everyone makes mistakes. Most things fall off your credit report after seven years in the US, so you'll be fine by the time you're 30 if you get your shit together within a couple years.

15. If you choose to have sex, have safe sex. Get tested regularly for STDs. Ask to see your companion's results. If you have a uterus, get a long acting birth control like an IUD or implant. Planned parenthood will give one to you at very low cost or free. They will also give you condoms. And use water-based lube.

16. Get it in writing. If it's not in writing, it didn't happen.

17. Don't take drugs from unreliable sources. Get pot at a dispensary where you know what's in it. Carry narcan. There is permanently damaging shit out there. Be safe.

18. Ensure your privacy settings on social media are appropriate so that your potential employers and others don't see things you don't want them to see. Don't forget venmo.

19. Spend twenty minutes outside each day if you can, in some sunshine. Human brains feel better with sun exposure. You can just sit there. I call it lizard time.

20. If your brain doesn't make the mix of chemicals that allows you to feel good sometimes, you deserve to feel better. Find a prescribed medication that suits you. You don't have to feel terrible all the time and you don't deserve to feel terrible all the time. Better living is available through chemistry.