he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Sweet Seals For You, Always
trying on a metaphor
cherry valley forever
No title available
I'd rather be in outer space šø
@theartofmadeline
Kaledo Art
ā£ Chile in a Photography ā£
Three Goblin Art
titsay
oozey mess
PR's Tumblrdome
Monterey Bay Aquarium
ē„ę„ / Permanent Vacation
šŖ¼
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
wallacepolsom
blake kathryn
Jules of Nature
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@darkqueenhyde
I am currently pregnant and facing homelessness after making the difficult ā¦ Mary Thompson needs your support for Single mom giving her baby
Pls pls pls donate if you can or spread it enough that it finds someone who can. This is a very near and dear friend of mine. Any little bit is appreciated. Pls pls
I have to either go to bed, or find another method of eacapism till they're back. Oh lovely Ao3, we eagerly await the hour, in which you grace us with your gorgeous filtered rays of fiction tales.
listen i'm not advocating for exotic animals as pets, but i really just feel like cheetahs are probably different
i feel like we need to give them another shot as housebeasts
this is a critter who wants greenies and then to take a nap on the couch next to me, and i KNOW it
cheetah in House perfec t size for put inside! inside very Soft and Comfort cheetah sleep soundly put cheetah in House. Put Cheetah In House. no problems ever in cheetah in ho use because good Happy and Satisfy for human where sleep. House yes a place for a cheetah put cheetah in house can trust cheetah for giveing good love to humans in house. friend cheetah
I mean, as someone who as worked in a zoo, this is fairly true.
Obvious disclaimer that you shouldn't have wild animals as pets.
But like, cheetahs are the only large cats that keepers will do free contact with. Hell, even most small cats don't get free contact. (Because small cats can be VICIOUS. They'll have a baby pallas cat wearing thicker gloves than when handling an owl. Because small cats can just be vicious.)
Like I think the only other cat at our zoo where I've seen free contact with was servals? Because I know they've used servals in shows to demonstrate their natural jumping ability. But I know servals can sometimes have a mean temper as well. Meanwhile they'll do the cheetah run and afterwards put the mic by the cheetahs and it's just like an engine with them purring. It's fascinating to watch when the message in every other large animal is "no free contact because it's dangerous even when they're born in captivity".
Legit if any wild animal could be adapted to a pet it would be cheetahs lmao. Only problem is they can be skittish and very anxious and that's why they're often raised around dogs in zoos to gain confidence.
congrats, i award you funniest take on this post
Hey. Why isnāt the moon landing a national holiday in the US. Isnāt that fucked up? Does anyone else think thatās absurd?
It was a huge milestone of scientific and technological advancement. (Plus, at the time, politically significant). Humanity went to space! We set foot on a celestial body that was not earth for the first time in human history! Thatās a big deal! Iāve never thought about it before but now that I have, itās ridiculous to me that thatās not part of our everyday lives and the public consciousness anymore. Why donāt we have a public holiday and a family barbecue about it. Why have I never seen the original broadcast of the moon landing? It should be all over the news every year!
Itās July 20th. Thatās the day of the moon landing. Next year is going to be the 54th anniversary. Iām ordering astronaut shaped cookie cutters on Etsy and Iām going to have a goddamn potluck. Youāre all invited.
Hey. Hey. Tumblr. Ides of March ppl. We can do this
Hell yeah moon holiday
Ooh coming up we should celebrate
PITCH: We call it Moon Day, and then every 7 years when it falls on a Monday, that's an even BIGGER deal and we call that Moon Day Monday and go absolutely apeshit about it (the next Moon Day Monday is in 2026 so we have a couple trial runs first)
Moon day Monday is this year.
Reads ao3 until 3 am when I have work the next day
started calling my executive dysfunction issues my board of dysfunctional executives and treating it like a room of frail old white men and it hasn't fixed everything but it sure is fucking funny
alright everyone we need to do the dishes! the DISHES. no, ted, it's not in your phone. ted you have so many apps open. ted how did you download a virus. the nice exiled nigerian prince sent you an nft? thats nice ted. now, about those dishes,
alright on todays agenda: LAUNDRY. yes laundry as in dirty clothes. yeah greg that's a board-level task in this organization. greg its very undignified to throw a tantrum like that at your age.
Today's Adventure is that I, after an unintentional 13-hour power nap,
Got woken up at 6AM by a phone call from a friend stranded in Montana because of the heat wave and almost no cell service because of their crap provider.
OhSoThat'sHowIt'sGonnaBe.jpg
Ok.
I somehow summon a week's worth of spoons and in less than 30 minutes and 5 phone calls, get them
A hotel
An appointment with a mechanic from 2 states away
A perscription refilled from 2 states away
and A Pizza
Go me.
But then it's 8AM and there are unscheduled live humans at the door and while EVERGENCY MODE is still on, I have already blown through a ton of spoons, and also probably shouldn't meet whoever it is wearing just a pair of bootyshorts that say "CRYPTID" in Gothic Font on my ass.
So I greet them in those shorts and a T-shirt that I manage to put on both inside out and backwards
#nailedit
It is, Fortunately, not the mormons.
it is, Unfortunately, two UPS guys trying to deliver my other in-house friend's new phone except the new guy doesn't know how to operate the "sign for package" device, and the old guy that's supposed to be mentoring him is like, 92, deaf as a post, and doesn't actually know how to operate the device either.
by the way
it is already
over 100 out
it takes almost 30 minutes to sign for the phone
when i get back inside, i discover that apparently the Corgi has learned how to open his kennel from the inside because he is now out of the kennel and waiting for me to come in.
he also has cat litter all over his face because while he was waiting for me he also learned how to open the baby gate to the cat's room and help himself to a cat shit breakfast.
He'll be fine
He's a cattle dog, they're legally required to have at least 1 really disgusting snack they love.
but
more to the point
i have no idea at what point he learned to open his kennel from the inside
has he been staying there out of politeness this whole time??
And
I got other shit to do today.
namely.
I'm seeing a realator
The Devils most pathetic yet effective demons
I get a reminder text that I have an appointment with her
at least
I think that's what it is because what she sends me is: "š”ā°12:00 ā"
With the time typed in the middle like that.
She is, according to her profile, at least 80.
so I reply "šš"
and then she sends me a string of GODDAMN POST-MODERN EMOJI HEIROGLYPHICS THAT TAKE UP MY ENTIRE SCREEN.
She's on an iPhone so half of them don't even translate across platforms
It takes me half an hour and three different software programs and goddamn wingdings to translate, but she has sent me the address and rules about masking and not wearing shoes inside.
in emoji
instead of like
literally any other format
I am
FASCINATED
and simply must meet the woman so if I don't come back to update I got stolen by the fairies but I'm taking the Corgi with me as protection so I'll see y'all later.
Update:
It's not fairies
It's Doris.
might be about to get a sewing machine and/or start an ACAB riot.
Ok, so:
I'm going to see a prospective house because due to various circumstances, I'm probably going to be moving to the other side of a major metropolitan area in the next few months, but that's not important.
I get to the house
I get a text from the realtor
The realtor is not the person who has been texting me in emoji
The person texting me in emoji is the homeowner, who the realtor says will let me in if I want, she's running late.
Sure
Why not
I put Herschel on leash and go to the front door
As much crime as he commits at home Herschel The Hanukkah Goblin has terrific public manners, and is Very Cute so I'm about 90% sure the emoji fairy is going to let me take him through the house
Door opens.
90-something blue haired old lady with a spine like a question mark and glasses that could be used as telescope lenses opens the door.
"OH [Gallus]! How lovely to see you!"
This woman clearly knows me because she remembers my anniversary was last week and that my sister is back from Australia.
Problem is
I know about 500 geriatric ladies with blue hair, scoliosis and extreme prescription glasses, because I am a member of 2 quilt guilds, the scientific illustration guild, the rocky mountain SCA and stagehand for three different theater companies, so I know everyone's grandma and fuck me if I can tell them apart.
Wait
There's a quilt in thekitchen, visible front hall
I don't know faces but apparently I can recognize applique techniques at 40paces.
"...Doris? From SAQA?"
"YES! Who is this handsome little man?"
Herschel speaks enough English to know that "handsome little man" means "this person will feed me milk bones and bacon if I'm cute enough"
Immediately does a Sit Pretty and Shake.
Doris is bewitched
This is fine, but I also know I'm about to severely disappoint the realtor because there is no way in hell I'm moving into this House.
Because
The reason Doris is moving out is that her neighbor is a Cunt Magnifique and has been harassing Doris and everyone else to form an HOA and "improve the quality of our residents" because this woman has nothing better to do than be a racist-ass busy body, and recently, she's set her husband, a county sheriff on Doris, trying to bully her into signing paperwork and threatening her with legal action and writing her up for bullshit property violations
Ain't putting up with that shit
And neither is Doris, so she's selling all her shit and moving out to live with her grandchildren in Santa Monica.
But she's technologically impaired, so the only indication that there is an estate sale happening is a small paper sign in her front yard.
"Doris." I say, as Herschel makes himself comfortable on the couch for belly rubs and pieces of ham. "Did you tell SAQA or FRCC or anyone on Facebook that you're having the sale?"
"oh, I don't know how to do all that!" She sighs. "I tried to call the Denver post but they just put me on hold for ages..."
"Watch Herschel for 20 minutes and he's only allowed to have that one piece of ham."
Pics of everything
Address, time and pics to Facebook, both quilt guilds she's in, two more I have contacts for, nextdoor, and the local SCA discord for good measure.
It's 12 minutes and Herschel persuaded her to give him at least three pieces of ham.
He is petitioning for a fourth by doing a little puppy dance on the living room rug.
"OK, that's enough ham, people will be here in 10. Where is your cash box?"
Because apparently I'm running an estate sale today too.
It's fine :)
There's about 7 minutes of quiet.
Then
They DESCEND
The first on the scene is DeeDee, who doesn't believe in speed limits. She's arrived with a horse trailer. I remember that she is also moving.
"HI DORIS SWEETHEART WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS TODAY I WAS GOING TO TAKE ALL THIS TO THE GOODWILL HERE LET ME SET UP ON YOUR LAWN "
DeeDee is 73, and has a special spiritual bond with Hello Kitty. She weighs like 98lbs, dresses exclusively in neon pink sanrio clothes and the kind of eye makeup drag queens aspire to.
She also speaks non-stop at a volume normally associated with jet engines.
Half the horse trailer is already spread out on the lawn.
Doris is putting price stickers on stuff
Herschel is trying to tear open a bag of cotton batting.
This, and the arrival of approximately 56 minivans, five more trucks with horse trailers and Corgi Excitement Screaming alert Cunt Magnifique that something is happening outside.
Madame saunters off her porch up to Doris and Demands to know what's happening, you're supposed to notify the neighborhood and get a permit to-"
Doris, surrounded by her pack of silver wolves, shouts. "OH HELLO! EVERYONE, THIS IS MARCIA. I'VE TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT MARCIA." >:)c
... further details in a bit I think the Vikings are here.
~`* SOMEONE'S GETTING FIRED!!*`~
OK so.
You know those high school house parties you see in movies, where the person invites only a few friends, but those friends call their friends, and those friends call THEIR friends and soon like 500 people show up to one house and someone calls the cops and that one John Mulaney sketch with "SCATTER!" happens?
Old people will 100% do this too, except instead of a house party it's an estate sale on a wednesday afternoon and when the cop shows up there are lawyers present and he is in DEEP SHIT because his wife just spent the afternoon admitting to doing a bunch of wildly illegal shit on tape.
So when we left off, the party had really started getting underway, because Marcia the Cunt Magnifique had decided to crash the estate sale and whine about "we're supposed to coordinate garage sales as a neighborhood" and "your friends are blocking traffic on this cul-de-sac while nobody is home" weh weh-
DeeDee is about ready to throw hands but she is nowhere near the most dangerous of the Silver Silver Wolves.
That's Dr. Ruth.
Dr. Ruth turned 99 this year and went paragliding for her birthday
So you understand just how hard she goes
Dr. Ruth sort of hobbles over and point-blank asks "So I understand you've been trying to start a homeowner's association?" :3c
Marcia
Entirely misunderstanding how much danger she's in
Starts enumerating the TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS of trying to start one, because SOME PEOPLE DON'T RESPECT AUTHORITY and all the paperwork and talking to people and she even had to ask HER HUSBAND. A SHERRIF. To go around and hand people stuff to sign.
Some people, right?
Dr. Ruth nods. Some people. She agrees.
You know.
Her son is a lawyer.
Why doesn't she give him a call?
Marcia, a Moron: Oh that'd be great!
Dr. Ruth, hobbling back to Doris: "Don't worry. David will handle this."
Meanwhile
The Friends-Of-Friends and the Friends-Of-Friends-Of-Friends are arriving, lured in because they heard the words "Longarm Sewing Machine" and "Hand-made quilts"
Various factions present include but are far from limited to: -Probably Six Quilt Guilds -The Denver Art League -The Denver Leather League -The Vikings -The Klingons -The Colorado Wild Game Share -A Pack of Scientific Illustrators -A Pack of Assorted Scientists they brought with them -The Sheep Lesbians -The Horse Lesbians -Three Extremely Competent Finnish People (My Scientific Illustration Professor and her sisters) who immediately take over the estate sale and turn it into an auction to maximize profit and keep the taxes in order.
Someone brings two additional Corgi called "Cap" and "Bucky"
They are Pembroke Corgi, and weigh about 21lbs apiece
Herschel is a Cardigan Welsh Corgi and weighs 42lbs because he's hug even for a Cardigan, and is Delighted with his New Minions.
They worship him as a God and follow him around so every time he sticks his face in something two smaller corgi faces immediately follow, like some kind of adorable cerberus.
Pelts and meat shares are being traded out of the backs of trucks and vans
Someone is making bratwurst.
Intrigued by the Brouhaha, Doris' neighbors emerge.
They are also Geriatric and very nervous, because Marcia has been harassing them too.
They are telling this to the members of these factions that are also lawyers.
There are at least 5 of them so far and David isn't even here yet.
I realize my realtor isn't even here.
I decide to text her.
She is somewhere in the crowd and having a nervous breakdown because She's SO LATE!!!
Ma'am.
It's 103 out.
I was just handed a freshly grilled Brat
Some bitch is incriminating herself on the lawn.
Nothing scheduled is happening.
Come sit in the yard and watch the Corgis play on the Palyskool plastic slide set. They're disassembling it like tiny furry engineers.
Have a bratwurst.
One of the Klingons appears, having physically carried my realtor through the crowd, and gently deposits her on the lawn before handing her a Bratwurst.
Diane, the Realtor, is not much older than I am, and from the preppie swaths of society that has "Never had a dog growing up" and "Didn't Know People Could Just. Make. Blankets?" and "What is this? It's like a hot dog but spicy?"
She is having a LEARNING EXPERIENCE.
One of the Horse Lesbians comes over and compliments Diane on her Dior handbag.
Diane thanks her ans compliments the apparently expensive brand scarf she has on. Do you. Know all these people?
Horse Lesbian explains that she's part of the SCA, and what that is, and that why yes. Her girlfriend Tasha is an armorer. Yes like for knights.
More Livestock Lesbians assemble.
They are pulling off shirts to show off livestock and battle scars, and biceps.
Diane is LEARNING A LOT TODAY.
I am just getting everyone's contact info and making sure Herschel does not consume his weight in bratwurst.
BWOOP!
Uh-Oh.
Marcia's Husband is here.
I step out front.
He has used the siren to largely part the crowd and pull into his driveway but it has closed around him and there is No Escape.
He starts huffing and puffing about blocked traffic and permits and the like, but this is not his usual Can-Bully-Without-Consequences crowd.
These are Grandmas.
Veterans of the 60's protest front who never let up.
He's starting to turn bright red and looks like he's about to cry and I've got my phone out to record whatever Incident is about to occur.
-And a Mercedes pulls up.
It's David.
Dr. Ruth's son.
The Lawyer.
And I emphasize that The because David is not some mere ambulance chaser.
David is the guy that the state sends to prosecute Corporate Fraud and Organized Crime and Other State Departments.
David was part of the team that took down the CO Branch of the KKK.
David is all of 5'4", very round and a balding little man that looks like the Dictonary Definition of "Nebbish" that moves with such intense confidence and authority that he pretty much has the Pillar Men Theme Blasting behind him at all times.
So when he and three other lawyers from the state's office step out of the car
Mr. Sherrif goes from red to while like color-changing octopus and I am like 50% sure he shit himself.
Because what he and Marcia have been doing is Very, Very, Very, VERY, Fucking Illegal.
"mArCiA!" he garbles. "sHuT tHe fUcK uP!"
Marcia is standing in the middle of the cul-de-sac, having spent the last 3 hours recounting to anyone who will listen about the 'measures she's had to take' and now the 5 lawyers that were here are delightedly handing over the paperwork that she had forced on Doris and her Neighbors, and pointing at all the doorbell cameras and witnesses out to the state's top prosecutor.
Friends
I ugly laughed.
FOUR HOURS LATER: -Auction wrapped up with a solid $40K to Doris' name plus pending sales on some of her larger furniture and antiques
Plus whatever David gets in damages from the county sherrif's office.
Marcia and husband are fucking busted
Herschel spent all afternoon running around and eating snacks and is passed out on the floor
Diane is "meeting up with" one of the Horse Lesbians next week.
The sewing machine went to someone else but I did open my purse and found out Doris or someone shoved a bunch of cash in there.
I'm getting ice dream and going to bed.
I love this story. ^^
tbh Iāve always found it very funny that Elrond is like āthereās no point bringing Glorfindel on the quest, even though heās a balrog-slayer. You wonāt need balrog-slayersā and then thirty pages later they run into a balrog
#and they couldāve really benefited from having a glow in the dark elf in moria (via @emyn-arnens)
obsessed by the implication that glorfindel is bioluminescent
#most elves arenāt #just glorfindel #dwarves on the other hand ARE bioluminescent #but itās in a spectrum that elves and men and orcs canāt see in #hobbits can see in that spectrum fine #for better mushroom hunting #but they think itās rude to point out that one of their party members is glowing #and so the dwarves have no idea the hobbits notice (via @mandaloriandy)
The first night Bilbo camped with the company he very nearly said something about it, but, having no idea what dwarves are and thinking it might be rude, he kept the observation to himself and decided that dwarves must be some kind of fungus. It improved his estimation of them most incredibly, and was, in fact, one of the observations he was most keen to pass on when he got back, seeing as howāeven if it didnāt quite make him respectable, per seāit at least provided a valuable new addition to hobbitsā mushroom-lore, which no one (not even a certain few silver-spoon possessing relatives) could fault him for.
#anyways itās common knowledge in the shire that dwarves are actually just a kind of mushroom#but no one says anything#because they think (seeing as how the dwarves havenāt brought it up themselves) it would be rude (via @willowcrowned)
My partner, reading this over my shoulder: āIt never ceases to amaze me when Tolkein fans write meta that goes off in really bizarre directionsā
Me: āThese books are 70 years old, everything normal to say about them has been said; if youāre gonna say anything new about it, itās gonna have to be weirdā
āI canāt be vegan, I love cheeseā
Dairy industry is as evil as meat.Ā No less harm for animals.Ā Does it look natural that calf canāt drink milk so you can taste your piece of cheese?Ā
GO VEGAN.Ā
WRONG
That calf is wearing a nose tag. Nose tags are put on calves so that they are able to stay with their mothers longer, but are unable to nurse. They donāt NEED to nurse as they get older, they just get greedier and pushier and will bash up the cowās udder and bruise it with their noses.
This nose-tag is so that calves can stay with their mothers, their mothers can remain pain-free and healthy, and nobody is stressed.
Educate yourselves you ignorant fucking tarts.
ā¦really? You donāt think it might have anything to do with the milk being stolen for human consumption? At all? Not even a tiny bit?
Militant vegans can fuck right off
Based on fur texture and face shape, that calf is at least six months old, probably older.Ā Calves can survive without actual cow milk even at three months, though older is better (calves weaned that early are usually fed a sort of formula for another couple months).
Also, nose tags like that one donāt go through the cowās septum.Ā They basically work like those fake septum rings for humans.
In addition to weaning the calves, another use for nose tags is protecting non-lactating cows.Ā Sometimes weanlings or even adult cows will suck on themselves or other non-lactating cows; this can cause internal teat scarring bad enough to prevent that teat or teats from ever working.Ā Iāve seen this happen, and itās ugly, probably at least somewhat painful, and, if bad enough, would lead to the cow being slaughtered at a very young age because she canāt produce milk, has chronic mastitis, and/or canāt be milked with automatic milking equipment.Ā So, nose tags actually prevent animal cruelty.
Also, calves will suck on anything remotely oblong (and attempt to eat literally anything), even if they are being adequately fed or overfed.Ā Often they will suck on other calvesā ears, and, since ears are longer than teats and cows have upper as well as lower teeth in the back of their mouths, many calves get bites on their ears, which often become severely infected.Ā Iām not sure if nose tags would work there, because physicsāa non-toxic but bad-tasting ear paint would be betterābut yeah, letting a calf put anything it wants in its mouth is not always a good idea.
reblogging for educational purposes.
reblogging for people being schooled
This was the funniest argument about false cruelty I have read.. Thank you.Ā
I love this for 2 reasons: Most people donāt realize that in farming areas agriculture/horticulture/animal husbandry is part of public school education from as early on as 7th grade. (Though I remember dissecting cow eyes in 4th grade science sooo) I assure you fifteen year old farm kids know more about what constitutes animal cruelty in farms than thirty year old vegans with, or without an agenda.Ā
Also that if you really want good quality beef/pork/eggs/milk/etc you donāt abuse your animals. Ever. Thatās not the point and if you want to make any kind of money off your career choice, you are going to treat those creatures better than you treat yourself. Youāll call a vet five times for an infection in your herd before you visit the hospital for a missing foot on your own leg.Ā
So. Yeah. Watch out, because weāre getting internet access these days. Weāre on tumblr too.Ā
P.S. The immigrant workers farming your supermarket produce have no health care or legal protection, and the Bolivians farming your 365 Organic Quinoa canāt afford to eat it. But PLEASE wonāt someone think of the poor baby cows who wonāt get off the tit?!
Also this is a LOT nicer than what mother cows do to calves that wonāt be weaned. You know what mother cows do to calves that wonāt wean? kick them in the head. Now I donāt know about vegans, but Iād rather have a nose tag that discouraged me from injuring my mother (because calves that donāt wean tend to chew on udders and make mother cows bleed) rather than being kicked in the head. Source: I grew up on a fucking cattle ranch. I have seen chickens skeletonize a mouse I KNOW SHIT.
āI have seen chickens skeletonize a mouse I KNOW SHIT.ā
Iām sorry, what? What??? WHAT??? you canāt just leave it there please explain @thehornedwitch
Happy to explain! See, chickens are omnivorous. They eat bugs, plants, and meatstuffs. Y'know how crows and ravens and things eat meat? Well, chickens too. Ours had a particular fondness for ham when someone accidentally put it into the bucket of good scraps we set aside for the chickens. A bucket we tried to keep as meat-free as possible, because few things are more terrifying than a chicken looking you in the eyes as it scarfs down ham. Anyway, back to the mouse. One day i was doing Chicken Chores, like gathering eggs, putting out grain, emptying the bucket of greens, etc, when a mouse runs across the pen. All at once, eight or so chickens stop dead, look at it, and SWARM. Now Iām six at this point in time and developing a healthy fear of chickens, and so do nothing. By the time the chickens are done, all that is left of the mouse is its bones. I left the chicken pen very, very quickly. Chickens crave meat. They were dinosaurs. They did not forget that they were dinosaurs. They will also cannibalize each other with reckless abandon. Sometimes we just had to remove one chicken to its own private pen away from the others because no matter what we did, that specific one always tried to eat the other chickens. We had one that really liked other chickenās eyes. Bear in mind, our pens ensured each chicken had about five to six square feet all its own if you managed to space every chicken out evenly, we never locked them in teensy pen things, and fed them LOTS. These chickens just really, really wanted to maim. Chickens that are not Buff Orpingtons are the devil. Buff Orpingtons are sweethearts. If you must have chickens, have that kind. And never get Guineas. Guineas are SATAN INCARNATE. THEY SMELL FEAR.
Holy shit, I dont think Iāll ever use chicken as an insult again.Ā
Holy Shit, same here that is terrifying
Will Iām using it as a compliment
I love farm animals.
āChickens crave meat. They were dinosaurs. They did not forget that they were dinosaurs.ā
If youāve ever looked a chicken in the eye you know that they donāt just remember; theyāre patiently awaiting the day they become dinosaurs again.Ā
@kedreeva
I have reblogged this before because watching farmers school vegans is always hilarious, but now weāre into birds, specifically fowl, and I have got stories.
I had to give my turkey an antibiotic injection once upon a time, and she turned the needle puncture into a six inch by three inch hole in her back overnight as she attempted to eat herself because apparently turkeys find themselves to be delicious. She had to spend 3 months duct taped into a tea towel (the bandages underneath cleaned and replaced daily, mind you) until it healed because she would not stop ripping the bandages off to continue consuming herself.
Your chickens strip a mouse to the bone? Mine draw and quarter them and run around with the parts shrieking. My peacocks grab mice, beat them to death on the ground with this insanely fast back and forth head twisting motion, and then swallow them whole. You would not think an entire adult mouse would fit in their face, and you would be wrong.
I knew a guy that used to regularly post photos of the 5-6ā² long Copperhead snakes his peafowl would destroy. And I donāt mean kill, I mean destroy. These venomous snakes would get into the pens and the peas would just peck them into oblivion like nbd.
Fowl didnāt just used to be dinosaurs. They are still dinosaurs.
Thankfully they are small dinosaurs
and we can just tape them into tea towels if we have to
BEGGING for a Jurassic Park reboot where farmers run the place instead of brogrammer scientists, and the raptors frequently get scolded and taped into tea towels
Okay so honesty time I may be a vegetarian but itās not because I give two shits about cows to be honest but THAT STUFF ABOUT THE BIRDS IS INCREDIBLE! Please folks if you started to scroll past this like I did STOP AND SCROLL BACK UP TO READ ABOUT THE MURDERBIRDS.
Even our little animals are terrifying and dangerousā¦
We live on a death world, and that is probably why aliens are afraid to make contact.
I didnāt even grow up on a farm, although I do have a fair amount of experience with animals.Ā I have been riding horses since I was nine years old and have one of my own, and I also helped take care of my neighbours chickens before she saw all the scars I was getting on my legs and decided the fresh eggs werenāt worth the disfigurement of her favourite adopted neice.Ā Anyway, I had to go into this pen with a fucking RAKE and wave it at them so I could reach the food and water bowls to fill them.Ā The rooster wouldĀ āspurā me (slice me open with a claw) whenever he had the chance.Ā And even though I WOULD BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THIS TINY MONSTER DINO-FOWL EVERY TIME, HE WOULD DO IT AGAIN WHENEVER HE GOT THE CHANCE!Ā I have some pretty boss scars on my legs and behind one knee from that bastard.Ā I will eat chicken out of spite now even if Iām not craving it, thinking of that monster the whole time.
As someone who grew up on a farm, this post is absolutely everything.
Reblogging for insane stories and the line, āI eat chicken out of spite now.ā
I came within a cm of a rooster slicing my carotid artery once. EVIL.Ā
And GANDERS!Ā JFC a Gander will END YOUR SHIT.Ā
At the gate for my flight home from visiting friends and there's a woman here with a service Shiba Inu. No pics because he has a Do Not Disturb vest and taking pics of strangers is illegal but I need to stress how ON DUTY this animal is. Ears up. Eyes doing Lazer scans of everything. Examining everyone who passes within 10ft like a security guard. Ass planted on her feet. I have never seen a dog with such intense chivalric guardian energy before. He has tiny eyebrows and they are FURROWED with concentration.
Man behind me having unhinged phone conversation. There is an internationally famous dairy in the area I was visiting and he was commissioned by the lady on the other end of the phone to collect specific cheeses from there. The lady is very high strung about the type and condition of the cheese.
The man does not know from cheese. The man "ain't never seen no cheese but orange before" and "I showed ya list to the cheese lady so if it's wrong it's her fault ok?"
I am 80% sure she sent him there for a really specific bleu cheese, 40% sure he does not have the very specific bleu cheese, and 100% sure he's done with her shit.
Our flight is delayed.
He does not have the cheeses in a cooler, just a regular backpack.
I need to emphasize that there is no cooler bag in the backpack. He has Jansport backpack that is jam-packed with cheeses. There is apparently $405 dollars worth of cheeses in that backpack, which I know because he has been trying to get the lady to venmo him the expense, which she has failed to do. It is unclear whether his relation to the lady is romantic, familial or what, but I'm leaning towards "what".
Two more people have joined us. One is a very elegant man with a perfect manicure in a tailored business suit, the other is a neon-haired person of indeterminate gender wearing a fox kirigumi. The Shiba Inu has been staring at the latter for three minutes now.
Uh oh.
Cheese man has been demanding payment because apparently he went like six hours out of his way and paid with his own money and between the cheese and price of gas, he is pretty sure he does not have enough money in his account for an Uber home.
The lady is FLABBERGASTED that he is demanding payment at all, as she was under the impression he was doing this for her out of the goodness of his heart.
He's not having it. He's insisting she told him she would pay him back- he would have gotten her maybe one cheese somewhere closer to his business in the area out of love, but he went out of his way because she agreed to pay him costs+ extra to cover it.
HE RECORDED THE CONVERSATION IN WHICH SHE PROMISED TO PAY FOR THE CHEESE, SHE'S THAT MUCH OF A FLAKE.
I am about to offer this man cash for some of these cheeses because our flight is now more delayed.
"YOU ALWAYS DO THIS! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS AND I FALL FOR IT EVERY TIME! NO! NO! FUCK YOU! IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA PAY ME, YOU DON'T GET FANCY CHEESE."
"OR ELSE WHAT?"
"I'm gonna-? THE BABY SHOWER? MONICA CAN'T EVEN HAVE THIS CHEESE SHE'S PREGNANT!"
"The cheese lady asked if it was for someone because the mushrooms or whatever in the cheese are dangerous for the baby or something?? You wanna poison Monica?"
"WHY WOULD I LIE ABOUT THAT?"
"YEAH OF COURSE I GOT THE CHEESE, THATS WHY I DON'T GOT MONEY FOR UBER!"
"YEAH, GO TELL! GO TELL MOMMA I STOPPED YOUR STUPID ASS FROM KILLING MONICA OR THE BABY! FUCK!"
*hangs up phone*
*head in hands, borderline hyperventilating*
The man in the three piece suit is in the chair next to him. He waits a moment, then reaches into his carryon and pulls out an entire bottle of wine with the TSA pre check sticker on it, and taps cheese guy on the shoulder.
"If your friend doesn't want it, would you be amenable to having it right now?"
Naturally, I have volunteered my box of wheat thins and offered to buy one of the harder cheeses which should be fine if it makes it home.
Meanwhile, Kirigumi has noticed that the Shiba Inu is staring at her and is correctly intimidated.
1. This is some fucking great Camembert. I have compensated cheese guy accordingly. So have like six other people. He's recouped like half his losses.
2. Cheese guy is crying a little about the cash and opening up about his problems. The cheese lady is his younger sister. Suit guy is being very generous with his Pinot Blanc. We are having a picnic/improv family therapy session.
3. This is apparently the latest in a long string of his sister asking for something and then flaking when he asks to be paid back. Started with paying him back only some of what he was owed, then claiming something she paid for him was of equal value when it was not, then recently telling him his memory is wrong and he said it was a gift or that he'd do it for free.
"Yeah, the specific thing of trying to convince you your memory is unreliable is called gaslighting and it's really fucked up." I say
"yeeeeah. The other stuff I forgave because she's never really had a good job so she can't pay me back all the time but at least she was making an effort y'know? But that was. That was over the line."
"If you haven't already, check on the rest of your family's finances. My brother started trying to gaslight everyone when he started stealing from our parents." Says Pinot Blanc.
4. Shiba Inu Lady has purchased a cheddar. Apparently, the dog's name is Donut, and he's her service dog because she's severely visually impaired.
"Oh, he's a guide dog?" Asks cheese guy.
"oh, no." She laughs. "He's too short, and the way my eyes are, it's easier for me to navigate with a cane. No, the problem I have is that some morally impaired people see the cane and think they can get away with stealing my bag or assaulting me because I wouldn't be able to give a description- which is wrong, but rather than deal with that I got Donut, and he helps me by howling at anyone who gets in my personal space and biting anyone who grabs me!"
"Uh." Says Kirigumi. "He's been staring at me do I need to back up or..?"
"Ohdear! No, no- He wasn't looking at you! He loves cheese but he knows he's not supposed to beg so he decided the way to deal with something he wants but can't have is to stare in the other direction."
"OKAY!" Says Kirigumi. "I'm wearing fox pajamas and thought like. He thought I was another dog or something."
"No, no- he doesn't care about dogs, and you get a warning before he goes for the calves. Very helpful, when I was living in Italy!"
"Oh what part? I have family in Tuscany." Says Pinot.
"Does he want a cheese? There is still so much cheese." Says cheese guy.
Plane may be arriving. I am paying for in flight WiFi to keep y'all updated.
1. Cheese guy has sold all but two or three cheeses that he an Pinot are going to eat on the flight.
2. I know they're planning to continue because Pinot talked to the gate agent so he and cheese guy can sit together and talk about family drama and cheese.
3. Pinot has been teaching him about different types of cheese and how to enjoy them.
4. Cheese guy apparently repairs computers and other technology devices for a living and is currently doing the software version of scraping barnacles and other crap off Pinot'macbook.
5. Pinot is now convinced that cheese guy is the smartest and most interesting man in the world.
Ok so the Wifi wasn't working on the plane (also like, nonstop turbulence) and also they got seated in a different row from me, but:
Now that I've heard the word aloud, and they are an astrophysicist. Who correctly believes in being comfy as fuck on planes. They are also familar with the concept of a meet-cute and is rooting for them too.
Got to walk the nice lady and her Tactical Assault Shiba to her next gate because it was on the way out and talk for a bit. Donut is called that not because he is the color of a Donut (which he is) but because he likes to sleep curled up in a perfect circle. He has a sister who does the same thing named Bagel.
Lost track of Pinot and Cheeseguy for a bit but when I saw them again at Baggage claim, Cheeseguy was holding both their jackets, and Pinot was on the phone to his hotel about "Well do you have any rooms with TWO beds?". The rest of the call indicated that yes, there were rooms with two beds, but Readers, I Had A Moment.
:)
Anyway, it's 2AM, I need to sleep, if you feel like supporting this kind of hard-hitting reporting, I have a Tip Jar!
Another inimitable epic from @gallusrostromegalus.
āi am a monument to all your sinsā is such a fucking raw line for a villain itās amazing that it came from halo, a modernish video game, and not some classical text or mythos
classic texts have nothing on the crazy people come up with in modern times tbh
āI survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.ā
ā Joshua Graham, Who Is A Fallout New Vegas NPC, Something Most People Throwing This Quote Around Donāt Realize
āIf the world chooses to become my enemy, I will fight like I always have.ā
ā Shadow the Hedgehog in what is widely considered one of if not the single worst game in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise
this is the source for this text and it haunts me on a regular basis
āPick a god and pray.ā
-Fredrick from Fire Emblem Awakening
Huh, itās almost like art isnāt just fine artā¦
this is my addition to this ever growing list of raw quotes originating from unexpected sources
So many good ones :)
A city where necromancy is legal and actually a part of every day society. So long as you follow a specific set of laws to make it seem a bit more ethical, youāre allowed to use it to do anything from helping you in a fight, to helping you run your business. In fact, there are entire shops or restaurants where the staff are undead. Laws to handle the undead could be things like:
ā¢ The corpses used cannot have flesh on them for sanitary reasons, especially in the case of businesses. Those who raise undead who are more than just bone will face a fine dependent on their situation.
ā¢ Similar to how people can donate their bodies to science, or donate their organs to those in need, people can choose to donate their bodies to necromancers before their death.
ā¢ If it is unknown if a person wished for their body to be donated after death, and they have been dead for 150+ years, youāre allowed to raise them. If next of kin is still alive, you must get permission from them first.
ā¢ You must take care of the undead in your charge. Keep them clean and unbroken. If one of them starts to get too much wear and tear, you are required by law to respectfully lay them back down to rest. Failure to do this will get you a hefty fine.
Iām making a town like this and the tavern will be called the Skelet-Inn
Fucking brilliant
I mean, take it a step further, if you arenāt sure if someone would want their body used after their death, call them up and ask them. Itās less taxing to cast a Commune with Dead spell than to raise an active skeleton, and this way you know for sure whether they mind, so thereās no ethical ambiguity.Ā
Most local dead consider the idea of skeletal labor completely normal, so they tell the necromancer that they waive all rights to the corpse for public work purposes as a formality and then go back to their afterlife.
For private employ however itās customary to pay a small stipend to either a living relative or a charity of the ghostās choice in exchange for their corpseās labor.Ā
Due to the prevalence of public works done by skeletons, Necromancers are seen in much the same light as government functionaries. Theyāre stereotyped as mild mannered people who do an important service but are also really boring at parties.
Small skeletal animals are great pets for people with allergies and small children as they have no fur/dander and are quite sturdy and docile. They make great therapy animals as they require little training and seemĀ āhappierā when given tasks to do.Ā
Human skeletons and the skeletons of larger animals are often seen following their masters around at market, holding baskets and bags and pushing carts. Some people dress them in seasonal outfits and accessories. Itās a point of pride to have a well-dressed, sparklingly clean skeletal helper.
Iād imagine painting the skeletons would be extremely popular!
Some sturdy waterproof paint requires less upkeep than clothing - you can still clean them by hosing them down, and donāt need to worry about changing or wear-and-tear on their clothes.
Stencils you get buried with will last much longer than clothes, especially if you make them out of proper materials. You can emboss them with color and placement instructions too. (On a similar note, I would expect death or funeral masks to also be prevelant.)
Goverments and organizations would have simple and distinctive paint jobs, so their skeletons can stand out and be easily identified. Maybe with some rules about leaving a certian percentage of surface area or location for an ex-sapient skeletonās personal use.
Use glow-in-the-dark paint for skeletons working at night for safety!
Painting your skelepet has a much lower barrier to entry than sewing or buying clothes for them. Give your kid some paints and let them go wild!
Use glow-in-the-dark
paint for skeletons working
at night for safety!
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
If zombies were real, you wouldn't first be warned by the approaching horde by their smell, by their groans, not even a cloud of smoke of the dust they raise coming closer from the horizon. It would be the flies. Hordes and hordes of insects, corpse-flies laying eggs on the carcasses of people who still walk, eating the eyeballs from their sockets, climbing across their unfeeling leathery skin. And the buzzing. The inescapable, deafening buzzing. Everywhere. Like you did not just kick a hornet's nest, but the very ground you walk on was a hornet nest, and each step caused another explosion of insects.
Insects, corpse flies, the buzzing. Their swarms blacken the skies, more horrifying than their migrating meals. The deafening cacophony of constant buzzing, the horrid noise of the living who feast on the dead who feast on the living. The buzzing.
The endless, inescapable buzzing.
Hey OP, thanks for the visceral horror with my breakfast. Really pairs well with the sense of impending doom.
Thanks. I was out in the woods picking blueberries today. There were bugs.
Actually I am contemplating this and, while gross, it's... also deeply reassuring??? Like zombies are always framed as this inescapable horror, right? Like there's an aspect of inevitability to them, death shambling unstoppably and unceasingly toward you until even you, a human and god's perfect persistence predator, run out of steam and have to fall over and be eaten. Except. The zombies are not invincible, and humans are not the only thing fighting back against them. The bugs are there. The flies and the ants and the beetles are eating them. They're contributing to the speed of decomposition. They're HELPING. They are taking this horrifying spike of catastrophe and modulating it back down to the normal equilibrium of nature. The bugs eat the zombies, and the birds and reptiles and amphibians eat the bugs -- and while the zombie virus could theoretically cross the species barrier to other mammals, it'd be REAL WEIRD for it to be able to cross to fuckin invertebrates, right? So it'd just get digested and destroyed. The insects would clean up the mess. We wouldn't be the only ones fighting back against the zombies. And there are a LOT, A *LOT*, A LOTTTTT more insects than there are bullets for sniper rifles. Nature is fucking cool. And gross. And I don't really want to be in the vicinity while it's happening. But still. Thanks, swarm of insects. <3
Nappy.co
You know how long I've been looking for something like this!?
To any sketch artist out there too.
[Image ID: a black woman wearing a plaid shirt and red bandana around her head. Her braided hair is coming out of the top od her head and falling in front of her. Text says "Did you know there's a black-owned stock photo company nappy.co that provides stereotype-free images of black people" /end]
the other day i was trying to find reference images of black people for art things but all i was finding were black-and-white images of white people! love this!!
Also! They accept submissions. If youāre a photographer and want to contribute, the button is on the bottom left of the webpage.Ā
Aw heck yeah!!
Concept: A witch cat thatās too fat to fly
This is legit great because it shows that itās not the cat thatās the problem, itās the broom. The cat just needed someone to make an accommodation so they could fly too.
he just wants to fly like the other familiarrsssssss š
I love him š„¹
Why is the cat literally me ššš
Each and every one of the members of the Batfam have some sort of ābrucieā persona going on.
Dick becomes āRickeyā and turns into a mindless himbo. Everyone hits on him and heās basically like a mini Brucie. Craziest thing heās done as Rickey- knocked down a 6 foot tall champagne tower and no one got mad. ļæ¼ļæ¼
Tim has been working on his persona since he was about 12. He realized what Bruce was doing one time and started to follow his lead before he even became Robin. Tim becomes brainless but still somehow still manages to make the rudest comments. No one really brings that up though because well the kid dropped out of high school. Obviously he isnāt the smartest, the kid just doesnāt understand what heās saying. Craziest thing heās done- threatened Lex Luther to keep his gadgets in Metropolis in front of Clark Kent and Lois Lane.
Jason doesnāt go to galas letās be so real. Even when he did when he was younger, Jason was so sweet to everyone. It wasnāt even an act he was just happy to eat all the fancy party food. Craziest thing he did as a kid- someone once accused him of stealing a purse, Jason gave them the puppy dog eyes and they were taking it back.
Steph just turns her regular personality up to ten. The upper class is afraid of her because they think thatās just how she is all the time. Whenever she does something outrageous at a party they give Bruce looks of pity because she must do this all the time. Craziest thing sheās done- pulled a toupee clean off a guys head. She then proceeded to throw it in the chocolate fondue machine.
The only kid who doesnāt make up a different personality to the media is Damian. This has led to many different twitter accounts thatās sole purpose is to show all the time Damian has suffered to his crazy dad/siblings. The hashtag āFreeDamianFromTheBullshitā has trended every single time the Waynes make a public appearance.
