Okay a sad post (which is why there wonโt be any colorful fonts..)
So Christmas time right? I know lots of people that felt like Christmas was a bit disappointing or off in goodness/vibes in general but for my situation I had to spend the time with my dadโs parents.
For the backstory, I never really had a good relationship with my dadโs mother (his stepdad/my grandfather Iโm okay with since other than being strict heโs never really mistreated me), when I was little she would have me and my siblings dress up, practically everytime we went over to her house to take photos with my grandpaโs camera, and maybe I liked it or at the very least tolerated it for years, but when I became like 8-10 I remember breaking down CRYING trying to tell this woman to stop this, putting me in dresses when I was clearly uncomfortable in them, I canโt remember if she listened to me or not (Iโm honestly not sure where my parents were at the time).
Also her husband/my stepfatherโs kid they havenโt seen in so long because she makes her kids uncomfortable because one or two of them that are boys like โfeminine/girl thingsโ like painting their nails or are trans (I havenโt seen them in so long either) but her kids (she has like 5 of them) also took place in these forced photoshoots, they looked as uncomfortable as me and my siblings did (also my older brother trans so Iโm pretty sure he was as dysphoric as me or even more dysphoric as me, cause at that time I didnโt even know I was trans/non-binary.).
But yeah eventually the forced photoshoots stopped, thatโs great news right?!? WRONGG!! because for YEARS she sent me presents, basically kidnapped me on random โhangoutsโ my parents only had knowledge of beforehand (Iโm not even joking the woman would take me out โfor stuff for me to chooseโ but I I chose anything REMOTELY LGBTQ+ she would say a flat out no, also she fucking had me see a CHILD HUMAN TRAFFICKING MOVIE when I was like 12-13 that showed me uncomfortable imagery because of course itโs a heavy fucking topic that yeah a minor should be warned about BUT NOT IN THAT WAY. NEVER IN THAT MUCH DETAIL.), and she also wrote me letters (AND ONLY ME, not my older brother, not my younger brother, NOT.even.my.parents. Me.) so yeah that was hella uncomfortable, I tried to make peace and be comfortable but she made it SO hard. The reason she even wrote me so many letters was because sheโs pushing her โguiltโ onto me because she wasnโt there for my dad when his dad died, she had sent/drove him away to spend time with other family members for awhile. Other than that Iโm dadโs first-born, and because my older brother isnโt his, she excludes him so much, I legit have letters that sheโll say she โlovesโ me and my little brother, and purposely excludes my older brother. Also yeah my DEADNAME is basically a female version of my DEAD grandfatherโs name. I know he was a nice man and all but Iโm NOT him, or something of his to remember.
Iโve TRIED to reason with her, Iโve ghosted her until my parents convinced me to contact her, which I did and told her EXACTLY EVERYTHING Iโve rehearsed in my head every.single.time.sheโd.hurt.me (emotionally and mentally), how she treats me like shit. How she doesnโt respect me. How she doesnโt respect my pronouns. How she doesnโt respect my chosen name. How she doesnโt fucking care about MY choices and how shitty it makes me feel every fucking time Iโve had to hear her refer to me as a female for the 1000th time in my fucking life along with one of her sisters and some family. That calling me [DEADNAME]-girl is FUCKING TRIGGERING. That if she dares feel sad reading what I wrote, that she causes me that pain TENFOLD.
And you know what she said after that. โThat makes me sad.โโฆ
I couldnโt even go to my bed-ridden dying great grandmaโs house. I couldnโt go inside without crying not only from that but her and some of the other family members calling me that name. ALWAYS using female pronouns, and repeating them PURPOSELY, everytime I went there I could only have the stomach to wait outside back of the house, no matter how cold it was or how I felt, NOTHING was as bad as that shitty feeling.
I regret not telling my great grandmother how thankful I was to her though, thankful for letting my family in her house, thankful for letting me and my siblings grow up in her house and along with our cousins, thankful for her always taking care of her grandkids and great grandchildren, thankful for always being there for my little brother who'd always chatted and took care of her, and thankful for all the memories she had made and let us make while in her care.
So, yeah, first Christmas without her, pretty shitty already. I had to spend time at my dads moms house, for two whole days along with that one sister of hers that makes me uncomfortable with her, I couldnโt even spend time with my moms parents (my favorite grandparents that may not use the right pronouns or name but still love me as a person and sparingly uses them both), we couldnโt see them because my dads mothers house was already closer and sheโd asked my parents first to begin with, also my parents has to work the next few days and shit that honestly we couldโve worked around, if we had time to spend a whole other day there we shouldโve had time to go see my mothers parents, that actually have a nice family that were beyond bummed by my family not being there. It just sucks.
Other than ranting because Iโve never ever had a chance to VENTT about this woman, the reason why I made this post is because they (her and some family including her sister) showed up at my house (with a heads up but still) I felt so uncomfortable having them here, I hate how after everything I said to her, she STILL talks to me the same (granted she doesnโt send me letters or random presents that arenโt even of my interests).
I still canโt just let it go. My parents let her here, they let her talk to me that way, Iโve come out to them (kinda) and they know she makes me uncomfortable for what she says. She showed them the texts I sent her, her trying to rat me out, they even had a meeting and my parents took my side. And they still let her make me feel like shit because โsheโs not used to this stuffโ. No. Her attitude and disrespect doesnโt come from a misunderstanding. A CHILD could tell that what sheโs doing is mean and bully behavior. She deliberately doesnโt try to understand. She HATES me as a person and only ever saw me as someone to control, spend forced time with, and waste money on things I didnโt even like or need JUST because she felt bad for herself, felt like she needed someone to replace whatever time she lost with my dad, felt me (a person born female, my dads first child, named after her DEAD HUSBAND..) felt like the perrrffect target.
But yeah sheโs here or was here by the end of writing this, her and her alike thinking sister are already gone from my house. I hope so at least.
Iโve definitely ignored some responsibilities but seeing as my parents didnโt care for this Iโm sure theyโll take the blame this time.
But yes, I just wanted to scream and cry and ugly cry into a ball on a couch or bed this whole time. I even wondered if drastically changing my appearance to be more โmasculine likeโ, change my hair, or even try going on testosterone would help her, for people and my family for me to stop thinking that way about me- to pass more โManleyโ to stop the pain of being repressed and SHOVED back into the closet just for FINALLY being comfortable being more feminine, from trying to heal the โtraumaโ of her forcing me into dresses and skirts and constantly being miserable and misgendered.
It felt like I was being erased. Being forced under a weight that feels like no matter how I present myself, people will always see my birth gender as me. That Iโll have to change myself completely to the standard stereotype of โdressing transโ and go on testosterone JUST to make people question my gender, my existence, and hope they get the context clues or not be a bitch to get the hint that Iโm not a female.