My Gender Confuses Me

I’m just trying to understand myself, hopefully it helps y’all too. I’m a wholeass adult.

[trazhcancanc]

searched a whole lot of cancer posts today at work for research reasons.

just wanna say, get up walk around, keep yourself hydrated, touch some grass, spend some time under sunlight, and try your best to stay happy and healthy, okay? physically and mentally. cuz diseases suck so bad. so so bad.

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

I just want to say: however you explore gender is valid. I cannot stress enough that you can be whoever you want, identify however you want, wear whatever you want, no one has the right to judge you for figuring stuff out.

It’s a wild concept that honestly no one truly understands. You may someday come to understand what gender means to you, but you’re never going to understand the whole concept for everyone. You know? It’s a personal experience and journey. Which can be hard to articulate.

In any case: you’re valid. The way you do things is valid. Even if you decide your understanding was all wrong and you need to change your worldview a couple times, your journey is still so valid.

Best of luck to figuring things out.

Goodness knows I haven’t got it all understood yet.

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

Engaging with femininity is both the hardest thing in the world and the easiest thing at times. Which is frustrating.

Society’s views of and roles for women make it harder, I think.

It’s so much easier for me to think about being feminine as a man. That I’m a man in a dress, that I’m a pretty boy, or other similar ideas.

The idea of being seen as a woman is uncomfortable, but I still love femininity. It’s still hard though because, due to my afab body, a lot of people don’t see me as a masculine person doing feminine things, but simply as a woman. And that’s not great.

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

Do you ever feel like your body is just wrong for the way you want to be? I’m afab and genderfluid/genderqueer/trans masculine. But I want to be feminine and androgynous in the way that amab and cis men are.

I wish my body was different but I fear the changes. Because I don’t want this body to change. I want a new one. One that was different from the start. And it makes me feel weird.

Maybe if my parents thought they had a son instead of a daughter I’d be more comfortable exploring gender. Maybe I’d be more scared. Maybe I’d hate my body then too.

But I feel wrong on so many levels like this. I can’t find my perfect representation of myself and my body because everything is skewed and just slightly wrong all the time.

The more I try to feel comfortable and correct, the more wrong and uncomfortable I end up feeling. Do I just stop trying? Do I work on my self loathing? Do I go back to therapy? (I should go back to therapy.)

But really. I just want to feel at home in my body. And I don’t.

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

Coming out to my parents seems like such a scary thing. I’m out to friends and I’m out at university, but I’m not out to my family.

I’m terrified.

But it hurts so much to be deadnamed and misgendered all the time.

I haven’t lived with them in years, but visiting can be hard. And I don’t like that there’s this hardship.

I don’t doubt my parents in their support of LGBT people. They know I’m pan and even that I’m polyamorous. They don’t know about my gender. And I struggle with that.

Because what if it’s just one thing too much? What if it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back?

I need to come out to them someday. I even want to come out to them! But the thought of doing so is scary and I struggle with it. It causes me so much anxiety to think about coming out but it also causes me anxiety to be in a space where I can’t be myself.

It makes me feel fake. Like if I’m not out to everyone, and I’m able to go by that name and pronouns in order to spend time with my family, that maybe I’m not who I think I am.

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

Hey, just wanted to say I hope you have an awesome day :)

Thank you! I’m definitely having a good day today.

Sometimes the world gets hard and that’s okay. We simply have to adapt and make the best of what we have. But today is a positive day and I’m very happy with it so far.

I hope you (and everyone else) are also having a good day too!

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

Sometimes I wish I never figured out what being trans was. That I had only ever known about being cisgender.

Maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad. Maybe I wouldn’t feel this discomfort and confusion.

I never know who I am, who I want to be, or how I want to present myself.

And nothing feels right. I just keep fumbling in the dark with these ideas, hoping that someday the universe will shed some light and show me some answers.

Sometimes I wish I never questioned. And I hate that.

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

Usually I don’t post on here very often but damn, I need somewhere to simply vent atm.

My body feels nasty.

I’m not sick or anything. It’s the dysphoria and while usually I just ignore it, it’s hit me just as I’m trying to fall asleep again. And I hate it. Because there’s nothing I can do about it like this.

You can’t bind while you sleep or ignore your flesh prison, really.

I simply feel nasty and wrong.

And that sucks. Because I don’t want to feel like this. I feel like the universe really just screwed up with me. Forgot to flick a switch to make me fit in the world.

There are times where I can’t look in the mirror. Times where I can’t stand to see or feel my own body. And that’s what I’m going through right now.

Every once in a while, I sink into the fear and worry that I might be tricking myself into believing I’m not cis, but I would never choose to feel like this. I wish so much that I could have been happy as a cis person. Or that my gender was more clear cut. But I just, I don’t know.

In any case, this sucks. I hate it. But I’m going to sleep and hope for better in the morning.

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

Y’all, I think the worst thing about growing up queer is the number of experiences you miss out on.

I never let myself have all the things that other teens had. Or other people didn’t let me.

I wanted the stereotypical “girls night” sleepovers with painting nails and doing makeup and hair. I wanted to video game with the guys and find a nerd culture that fit me. I wanted to do all of these things that I could have simply done if I had been anyone but myself. Because I was always hiding from these things. Fearing them. Simply because I didn’t fit within the spaces, either though my own hesitance, or my queerness making me into an outsider.

It’s so weird to be getting those experiences now in my twenties. Because I never thought I’d get them.

So I’m going to take advantage. Because no one can stop me.

Please feel free to share about the experiences you reclaimed or the ones you want to. I’d love to hear about them.

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

I’m in love.

I’m in love with my girlfriend.

She’s wonderful, she makes me happy, and I adore her.

In the past, I’ve been a little afraid of the word “love”. It seemed like such a large step. But it was so easy with her.

I think that says something about my relationship though. Our commitment to each other is easy, it’s exciting, but it’s a choice too.

It’s a choice, but it doesn’t feel like I’m making such huge changes. It’s just one step at a time, at our own pace. And that’s beautiful.

Find someone who will walk with you, take the steps with you, make the choices with you. And let yourself move at your own pace. Because the people in a relationship are the only ones who can determine that pace.

I’m in love.

And I’m not afraid of that.

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

I’ve been working at a bakery for the past few months and as a result, have been keeping my nails shorter and my hair pulled back. It was a summer job though, so now that I’m not going in and working with food all the time, I get to experiment with expression again.

I painted my fingernails and toenails this past week. I also changed the location of the part of my hair. I’ve taken the time to pamper myself and enjoy the little things.

It’s so wonderful to look down at long nails in fun colors. It gives me a level of confidence that I love.

The best thing about these changes? They make me feel amazing no matter what my gender is that day. I can be any gender and still get that confidence and power boost!

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

Sometimes gender feels like a costume. I love costumes, but it’s always an effort to put it together and portray the character behind the costume. Which can leave me exhausted.

Gender is like that.

It’s an effort to choose and portray and embody. And then I’m left exhausted at the end after my performance of gender.

Often, this is how I feel on days when my gender doesn’t correlate with what I was assigned at birth. Because that’s when I have to make choices about how I’m going to present myself and what I’m willing to do in order to feel comfortable that day.

Some costumes are comforting or help to avoid dysphoria, which can be a huge help! I love when my “costume” becomes more abstract or thematic in my mind, which often helps me to reduce discomfort.

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

HEY GUESS WHAT?

You’re valid.

I hope you’re having a nice day!

That’s all. Just wanted to let y’all know that you’re valid and loved and important.

Even if today isn’t a good day, that doesn’t undermine who you are or the happiness you’ve found.

Sometimes I need to hear it too, so I hope that this makes you smile!

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

I’m going to grad school in the fall and I am suddenly hit by the fact that I’m going into a field that is riddled with the patriarchy and the cis heteronormative traditions of our society.

I am a wholeass queer genderfluid and polyamorous person who truly would rather make a podcast or write a book or do something else similarly creative.

However, because I am smart enough in a classically acceptable way and my interests lean toward the topic, I have found myself in grad school still hoping to make time for friends and creative pursuits.

THIS IS NOT A BAD THING! I’m actually quite looking forward to it. It’s just also quite daunting at times. And that’s alright. Doing something new can be scary, especially when your identity is not the same as the vast majority of people already doing that thing. But it’s important to not let that stop you.

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

I’m human. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, I’m a complicated mess of a person who is struggling to get things done and to function on their own.

It’s hard. Life sucks. And yet I keep pushing on. Because there are pockets of joy. Times that I smile and laugh and love. And those moments combat the times that I break down and cry, the moments where I am sad, afraid, and lonely.

The best of my pockets of joy include stories. Worlds of fantasy and creativity where anything is possible. To hear a story told or get the chance to tell one is a magical thing and it always brings me such happiness.

If given the chance, the world will beat you down. For your gender. Race. Sexuality. Or for none of these reasons in specific, simply looking to destroy the fact that you are yourself.

I hope, that in your darkest moments, in the roughest nights, that this small blog can be a spot of hope. A little light like so many people have been for me. Because while tomorrow may not be the best day I’ve ever had, it’s a lot easier when the weight of the burden of today gets shared or destroyed by some hope, some joy, and a little creative magic.

If you like, please share your moments of hope, your moments of joy. I’d love to hear the things that make you happy!

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

Feeling alone is so valid right now

There is something about my life right now that feels very alone. I know that it’s temporary, but the feeling of not having anyone here can be overwhelming at times. I live alone at the moment, but have a roommate for when I move in a few months. But that doesn’t help me when the feeling of being far too solitary hits me on a random Tuesday morning.

But for all of you who also know this feeling, please remember: you’re not truly alone. Even if it’s not much, I am here for all of you. I have some friends and family who I can reach out to, plus the whole of the internet if I need them. It’s okay to find solace and companionship on the internet.

I hope you all are doing well.

[gender-is-fluid-and-confusing]

Working out is something that makes me feel good about myself in general. The problem often comes in being perceived as a certain gender due to the lack of androgynous workout clothing that I have. It gets even worse when you remember that I enjoy swimming. Fun times.

But really, let yourself feel good about the activity level that you’re at and the body you have. It might suck and it might not be the one you want, but it’s working hard and keeping you alive. That’s important. So, even if you don’t like your body, please love that it’s doing it’s job.