Shitpostinglife

20F Australia If you need anything I'm always up for a chat

[i-dont-feel-like-im-me-anymore]

Just a friendly reminder that your pets love you and to them you are perfect.

[adreaminginskinnyworld-blog]

Shoutout to everyone who made it through today. You did it, you beast, you fucking did it.

[bloomflowersbloom]

[forfawkssake]

I hate it when you’re reading smut and you can’t figure out what position they’re in.

[jonmoxleys]

sometimes it just ends up being something like

[onlyhereforthedrama]

ITS BACK

[dontleavemydreams-deactivated20]

lord 

[uhmgilinsky]

Y’ALL NEED JESUS

[forfawkssake]

Please stop reblogging this post

[myterribletwenties]

This post made my water break

[myterribletwenties]

In honor of my daughter’s first birthday next week, I’m sharing the post that made me laugh so hard that it broke my water.

[forfawkssake]

WHAT

[impalassible-nottolove]

So my friend works in the sound booth at his church and during the sermon, the preacher started bashing on gay people, so my friend muted him. Literally muted his preachers microphone I

[trans-lesbian-glimmer]

Direct action

[surprisebitch]

chaotic good

[itzbatz-deactivated20240722]

[maherschelaali]

Gonna reblog this every time it pops up on my dashboard.

[anancientheart]

ok universe, i’m ready to feel good things. make me feel good things.

[anancientheart]

whenever i post this it works  reblog if u want to feel good things & the universe will bring u something sweet 

[anancientheart]

ok universe, i’m ready to feel good things. make me feel good things.

[anancientheart]

whenever i post this it works  reblog if u want to feel good things & the universe will bring u something sweet 

[momunofu-deactivated20150808]

chillin on a Saturday night

[thepope]

Calm down jojo

[momunofu-deactivated20150808]

you’re right, I am looking a little stiff here, I should try to relax

[sparkafterdark-deactivated20181]

You call that “chillin”?

Everyone knows the best way to relax is with a good book and a warm drink

[totallyfubar]

I dunno, man,

 sometimes I like just relaxing on my laptop

[witchchad-deactivated20160310]

get on my level boys

[sparkafterdark-deactivated20181]

Unfortunately to “get on your level” I’d need a boat trip to the Mariana Trench and a pair of cinderblock shoes.

[nerdgul]

Thats gotta be the sickest burn ive ever read holy fuck

[tyrannosarcophagous]

this post appears once every million years

[sparkafterdark-deactivated20181]

I kept hoping someone else would one up me and I’d have to escalate even further but nobody has.

[slavery]

How does anyone hate kids they are so funny I sold tickets to incredibles to this little girl and her mom and she’s like mom are we sitting next to each other and the moms like ya and the kid screamed YES so loud it broke my ears

[pkslider]

The other day I was bringing an older gentleman up the hill in a golf cart and we drove past this huge YMCA group of kids like 100 kids and driving past the first chunk like 10 of them yelled out “let me on” in unison and then since I’m driving so slowly to be safe, halfway in some kid leaned up and said “do you play fortnite” and I told him I played a little and he just pointed and shouted “THIS GUY PLAYS FORTNITE” and then like 20 kids started talking to me all at once about fortnite

[low-budget-mulan]

A kid asked me if I lived in the ambulance. I said yes.

[patron-saint-of-smart-asses-dea]

The hero we deserve

[treerot]

When I was on register at Kohl’s a little girl came through with her grandma and she was so very excited to tell me the meaning of her name (I think it was like warrior of god) and she begged her grandma for her phone so she could google to find out what my name means too

[newterjuice]

i wear two spinner rings on one finger and one time at my last job a young girl (probably 6-8) said “your ring is very pretty” and when i showed her it was two rings she GASPED and said “does that mean you’re marrying two people?!”

[siren-singing]

I have this necklace with a mermaid on it that I wear to work a lot and I got asked by a kid if it gave me magic powers. I leaned in real close and told her in a low voice it gave me magical girl powers but it was a secret. She got this real serious look on her face and said to her mom “that lady has superpowers, don’t tell anyone or the government will take her away”.

[business-pug]

The other day i had to give a speech at my school despite my horrific fear of public speaking and afterwards i had kid come up to me and say well done to me. It was so cute.

[mcr-minivan-deactivated20200108]

god I love tiny kids

[uberfluss]

there was a kid in one of our science camps and he spent the whole week in a lab coat and goggles screaming “CHEMICALS” at the top of his lungs. he wouldn’t even tell us his name for the first two days just screamed CHEMICALS instead.

[moth-doe]

I was watching these kids at church today and one of them screamed and threw a toy car into the wall and it broke and the other one looked over calmly and said “does your insurance cover that?”

[armandyke]

I was taking the drink order for a family at work and I asked their kid what he wanted to drink and he just looked at me with a completely deadpan expression and said “vodka” and me and the parents just fucking lost it

[bemusedlybespectacled]

kid I used to babysit asked why my lips were different (she was two), and when I told her that it was because I was wearing lipstick, she yelled, “MAYA, I WANT LIPITZ.”

[itsmydrink]

I work in a school and every time I draw anything on the board (I am a terrible artist and usually resort to stick men), the kids will all go ‘I love your picture, that’s a great drawing Miss’. So blindly supportive.

[the-stray-liger]

One time my younger brother ordered a “non-alcoholic fanta” at a hotel bar and the bartender lost his shit and I was never the same man

[swankivy]

When I was student teaching, I was taking my fourth graders back from lunch and noticed one little girl looking longingly at the playground, where the younger kids were having recess. She heaved a big sigh and said, “I used to be that free.”

[unpretty]

the older i get the weirder it is that not a single p.e. teacher in my entire school career was able to recognize the difference between “a child who doesn’t get enough exercise” and “a child with serious health problems impeding their ability to exercise in this particular way”

[unpretty]

you know what else is weird? we had to do that fitness test every year but like… we never actually… learned how to do the things they tested us on…

like, now that i am an adult i have learned how to build up my strength so i can do pushups, but that seems like something they could have taught us? in school? in the class where they tested our ability to pushups? they never taught us how to work our way up to actually doing a chin-up, or whatever. even if i had just been “out-of-shape” (as a CHILD), nothing they did would have solved that problem. i did not learn how to exercise in a functional way until i was out of school and teaching myself, so i’m not sure what those p.e. classes were even intended to accomplish, really.

[unpretty]

people are adding a lot of horror stories to this post that are really similar to mine (exercise-induced asthma, running the mile every friday, coughing nonstop for hours afterward and never actually getting any faster or building up any endurance, fainting at least once and not even getting sent to the nurse) but

to add something to the “really obvious shit any idiot could have told me” list

they taught us that the average walking speed should be 3mph, and i consistently tried on treadmills to walk at 3mph, and that always seemed really fucking fast to me and i never understood why

i’m 5′2″

i was in my twenties before i realized that i cannot go that fast because i have short fucking legs

why did grown-ass adults with eyes try to teach my short ass that i should be able to walk an easy mile in 20 minutes

[defydamage]

It’s like they say.

If you can’t do, teach.

If you can’t teach, be a gym teacher.

[vivid-escapist]

It never occurred to me until reading this notes the utter ridiculousness that PE teachers held all kids to the same benchmark standards for like number of pushups and sit ups, time of mile, etc. even though everyone is at a different level athletically and has different body types and heights

[nest-deactivated20181209]

i just had the weirdest moment, i was feeling my front teeth with my tongue because they’re the tiniest bit crooked, and then i had the thought “i’ll check if they’re also crooked in my other mouth” and then i realized to my shock and confusion that i have only one mouth, leading me to believe that in a past life i was a terrible monster with two mouths

[lostalive]

A few months ago, I thought to myself “Mmm I’m so tired… how much longer in this one again?” and I knew instinctively what I meant by ‘this one’ was this body and this life. I then spend a few wide-eyed moments having an identity/existential crisis like how many times have I been on this earth to have such an instinctive response to being bone-weary to my soul? No one can really answer, especially not me.

[johannesviii]

In July 2017, one night I woke up around 2 a.m and blurted out in a quasi professorial voice “the Equinox Bird has infinite beaks, all in the wrong direction, and infinite eyes” and I don’t know what the fuck I was dreaming about but it still haunts me. It seemed like a very important information for a few seconds.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

if someone stabs you, you get to keep the knife

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

and that’s how you start a collection!

[fartedandcantgetup]

If someone stabs you and you don’t bleed out in 15 minutes you are legally allowed to leave

[mccallandjackal]

If someone throws a knife at you and you catch it, they’re out.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

technically you don’t even have to catch it with your hands

[iguanamouth]

oh my gdO CAN YOU DRAW GODZILLA MOMMA CARRYING LIKE A HUNDRED LIZARD BABIES ON HER BACK FOR TAKE YOUR CHILD (lizard) TO WORK DAY

oh SHOOT well i cant swing 100 but how bout

[daybreakboys-deactivated2024031]

If I don’t always reblog this assume I am dead

[saysaraelle]

Forever reblog.

[caseymalone]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

[the-dubstep-strawberry]

I love it! <3

[the-dubstep-strawberry]

@staff… this is a drawing about Godzilla. I’m actually disturbed that any algorithm could possibly consider this adult content, or flag my reblog.

[sabrecmc]

Reblogging for the way I can hear the utter exhaustion, annoyance and total lack of surprise in the words, “@staff…this is a drawing about Godzilla”

[jynxwasnthere]

@staff

[coltre]

goodnight to all the ones who never receive a goodnight

[danieljlayton-deactivated202002]

…I usually don’t reblog this kind of thing, but…for some reason, this really hit me.

[probablymetarpgideas]

Let those who feel unloved rest easy, i see you, and i care

[stupidfuckingquestions]

[zebablah-deactivated20160105]

television history

[virginmarx]

i’ve been trying to explain this sketch to people for years

[ufocafe]

so i asked a friend what was up and she replied with this and i feel like i’m in an episode of the twilight zone