humming in my head

I'm Cheekie Albay, a 29-year-old freelance writer, mixtape-maker, and single mom. I really, really, really like music. I used to fill this space with things that made no sense. And then I got old.

[humminginmyhead]

What If Mixtape by Cheekie Albay

Today, you saw him again.

It’s been years since you last saw him, but the feeling returns as if no time has passed: the feeling you had when you first met, when your hands first touched, when he wordlessly held you like he was cradling a treasured gift. (No one else, before or since, has held you as tight.)

Today, the questions that sometimes niggle at the back of your mind return: What if we had done things differently? What if I had sent that reply? What if he broke up with the girl he’s with now and told me that he wants to try again? What if, instead of buckling with fear and doubt like I did last time, I stood firm, held his gaze, and in a voice just as steady, said okay?

But, like you always do, you push the questions farther back into your mind. You will always wonder about him, yet you will always know your place.

Today, you saw him again. Maybe someday, you’ll do something more. But today, you’ll leave it at that.

Here, a mixtape dedicated to the what ifs, the could've beens, the ones that got away. Download the 37-minute mixed mp3 track here: https://bit.ly/2JL9KgI

Track list: Radiohead - House of Cards Majical Cloudz - Downtown Damien Jurado - What Were the Chances Coldplay - Sparks Cat Power - I Found a Reason (The Velvet Underground Cover) Counting Crows - Colorblind Broken Social Scene - Lover's Spit (Redux) Sheryl Crow - I Shall Believe Death Cab for Cutie - Passenger Seat The Innocence Mission - I Have Loved You

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Slow Fade Mixtape by Cheekie Albay

They don’t quite say goodbye, but it’s clear that they’re leaving. Maybe not this very moment; they’re too polite to just get up and go before the movie ends. But maybe it happens later tonight, when you send them a good night text and they don’t reply; or next week, when you ask them out and they say they’re tired; or a month from now, when you’ve gathered enough unanswered messages and rejected dates that you can no longer deny that there won’t be a yes from them anymore.

In the silence that follows, you'll say goodbye, too. Not that it would matter then.

Here, a mixtape inspired by the dating slow fade. Songs below. Download the 38-minute mixed mp3 track here: https://bit.ly/2JxSF6Y.

Ji Nilsson - Nothing Tracey Thorn - By Picadilly Station I Sat Down and Wept EXES - Like You ATB - The Autumn Leaves Aromabar - Winter Pageant Wet - It’s All in Vain Reece - Alone The xx - Naive Tame Impala - List of People (To Try and Forget About) Holy Other - We Over

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You Flirt Mixtape by Cheekie Albay

This one's for all the girls out there who are sick of sitting primly with their hands on their laps and waiting for some idiot guy to come along and get a clue. Go out there with your pretty hair and kilowatt smile--don't forget to throw in those jokes that are so good, you deserve your own late night show--and get yourself a date, girl.

Tl;DR: I made a flirty mixtape to get you in a flirty mood.

Songs below. Download the 33-minute mixed mp3 track here: http://bit.ly/2s6ohMb.

Gwen Stefani - Make Me Like You (RAC Mix) NEIKED feat. Mimi - Call Me Elohim & Whethan - Sleepy Eyes Loote - High without Your Love Dagny - Wearing Nothing Carly Rae Jepsen - Warm Blood Selena Gomez - Hands to Myself Tove Styrke - Mistakes Charli XCX feat. Uffie - Babygirl Terror Jr - Say So (Vasco Remix)

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COME OVER MIXTAPE by Cheekie Albay

You’re done talking. Tonight, you want more.

Hand on your thigh. Breath in your ear. Lips on your lips. Warmth in your warmth.

You’re done talking. Tonight, you come over.

Track list: Miguel - Adorn Louis Futon feat. RKCB - Surreal Les Gordon feat. ADI - Paradise Jeremih - 773 Love (Cashmere Cat Edit) August Alsina - Drugs Bondax feat. Josh Record - Fires Jhene Aiko feat. Swae Lee - Sativa (Dirty) Daniel Caesar - Hold Me Down Rihanna - Kiss It Better Beyonce - Dance for You Download the Come Over Mixtape (39-minute mixed track) here.

(Image: Crazy, Stupid, Love./Warner Bros. Pictures)

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LOVE ME MIXTAPE by Cheekie Albay

What is it about you that makes a million little fountains of thrill burst forth inside me, leaving me limp-limbed with every sudden rush of stupid pleasure?

You could be saying something innocuous, something inane, something as un-groundbreaking as a "Hahaha," yet there go the little fountains anyway, shooting up and coursing through me with a force that could break down capillary walls. And there goes me, writhing with glee and “Hahaha”-ing violently along, as if what you just uttered was the funniest combination of sounds mankind has ever produced.

I like you so, so, so, so much. Please get a clue, or else I'll be forced to actually say it. And that's terrifying.

Track list: Tegan and Sara - Closer Ladyhawke - Back of the Van Sky Ferreira - Everything is Embarrassing LP - Up Against Me JJAMZ - Heartbeat POWERS - Loved by You Carly Rae Jepsen - Gimmie Love Betty Who - Alone Again Desire - Under Your Spell Empress Of - Everything Is You

Download the LOVE ME MIXTAPE (33-minute mixed track) here.

(Image: Stranger Things/Netflix)

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OLDER, GOLDER MIXTAPE by Cheekie Albay

What happened? One minute you're utterly young and stupid, eyes wide at the prospect of changing the world, and the next you're 10 years older, eyes squinting in suspicion at the newspaper/social media feed/wide-eyed kid much like your younger self in front of you. But here's another thing you weren't prepared for: how much you'd actually enjoy being older. Not because you have it all figured out—you don't—but because you now go about not figuring it out with sharper senses, a keener mind, and a surer belief that no matter what happens, things will be fine. You don't know that for sure, of course—you don't have it all figured out, remember? But not knowing is intoxicating, and no one will ever be too old for that feeling. Sit back and enjoy your drink, you oldie. Tomorrow, there'll be more to discover.

Download the OLDER, GOLDER MIXTAPE (39-minute mixed track) here.(Image: Mad Men/AMC)

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SECRET CRUSH MIXTAPE by Cheekie Albay

I wish I could tell you a secret. It's this: I like you.

I hardly noticed you at first, but then slowly, without warning, you grew into this person that I couldn't ignore. In my head, you grew and grew, until you eclipsed everyone else in it.

And as you grew, I shrank. I got smaller, and younger, and much less capable of controlling how I felt. And the younger, smaller me wanted to curl up in a ball and roll into your warm, open palm and just stay there, where you could carry me wherever you went, wherever you wanted.

Does that make sense?

Maybe someday, I'll tell you all about it.

SECRET CRUSH MIXTAPE by Cheekie Albay by Cheekie Albay on Mixcloud

Download the SECRET CRUSH MIXTAPE (37-minute mp3 track) HERE. Download the original tracks HERE.

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WE'RE ALRIGHT MIXTAPE by Cheekie Albay

Each New Year makes you feel about half your age.  You know you've done a lot in 20+ years: you've saved up enough to buy your own car, you've had three jobs and been promoted as many times, you've actually gone camping for days in a place with no toilet.  But then, you haven't had a relationship that's lasted longer than a year, your petty troubles make you want to run home to mom, and honestly, you're terrified of growing old and becoming a liability.  You try not to think too hard about it. Maybe everyone your age feels alternately young and old: you feel young when you lock eyes with a cute person across the room, you feel old when your eyes drop to those tax forms in front of you. Maybe that's better than being giddy and reckless all the time, or dull and unexciting all the time. Now, as you face your computer screen and giggle at a corny online gag, you sip your coffee. It comes in a new flavor you really love, and it's still hot. You feel alright. You'll be alright.

WE'RE ALRIGHT MIXTAPE by Cheekie Albay by Cheekie Albay on Mixcloud

Download the WE'RE ALRIGHT MIXTAPE HERE. Download the tracked version HERE.

Image: Singles (1992)

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OMG IT'S MY FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK: ‪#‎THROWBACKTHURSDAY‬!

Kids, this is Devon Sawa. I was in love with him for years in grade school (from 1994 until 1996, or until I met Nick Carter). I dreamt about him at night, daydreamed about him during class, and kept his picture (in different sizes) in my wallet. I was pretty obsessed.

JTT my ass.

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Donna Lewis - "I Love You Always Forever" (Now in a Minute, 1996)

I hated this song when it came out in 1996; I was too busy banging my head to Green Day or Foo Fighters or whatever back then. Now, I devour it openly and hungrily, especially when I'm stressed or anxious, with a deadline looming just around the corner.

Wala nang pa-cool-cool. I LOVE THIS SONG.

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Semisonic - "Secret Smile" (Feeling Strangely Fine, 1998) Music player on shuffle. Rediscovered this. For some reason, I feel like I'm the only person in the world who actually likes this song. Maybe because it's too intimate, too earnest, too--why not--secretive, and so the liking of it feels intimate and earnest and secretive, too. Prove me wrong?

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Dear favorite book,

Sometimes it feels like you’re the only one who understands me.

Anyway. Dog-earing.

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THE FRIENDZONE MIXTAPE by Cheekie Albay

Maybe tonight, he'll finally tell you that he likes you. Maybe he's liked you for a while now, only he hasn't said anything because he didn't want things to get weird.

Or maybe you'll finally tell him that you like him. It's the 21st century and girls have balls now; those women didn't burn their bras in the 60s so you could sit primly in a corner with your hands on your lap, waiting for some guy to make a move. Or maybe he does know that you like him. Maybe he hasn't said anything because he doesn't feel the same way. And all those times he put his arm around you and bought you a drink and drove you home? He was probably thinking: cool co-worker. Little sister. Long-time pal. Tonight, when he shares another one of his funny childhood stories, you'll dare yourself to blurt out that you should be together, like you always do. And when he mentions the name of that girl he's been in love with for over a decade, you'll feel your entire body go numb, like you always do. But you know you won't do anything about it. Not now. Maybe not ever. Tonight, you know you'll just rein in your stupid feelings and chuckle like everything's cool, like you always do.

THE FRIENDZONE MIXTAPE by Cheekie Albay by Cheekie Albay on Mixcloud

Download the FRIENDZONE MIXTAPE HERE. Download the tracked version HERE.

THE FRIENDZONE MIXTAPE track list: 1. Liz Phair - Extraordinary 2. Rachael  Yamagata - Worn Me Down 3. Stretch Princess - Twisted 4. Sixpence None the Richer - Easy to Ignore 5. Tegan and Sara - Where Does the Good Go 6. Ingrid Michaelson - Die Alone 7. Mirah - Cold Cold Water 8. Sinead O'Connor - The State I'm In 9. Veruca Salt - Loneliness Is Worse 10. Beaker - Backgarden Image: Dawson's Creek

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High Fidelity by Nick Hornby (1995)

Rereading. For the two hundredth time.

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Fountains of Wayne - "Radiation Vibe" (Fountains of Wayne, 1996) One of the songs on my just-turned-29-and-I-feel-fine playlist. :) HAPPY FRIDAY, EVERYONE!!!

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What I'm reading tonight. Bought at the local Booksale for P75.

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SUMMER JAMMER MIXTAPE by Cheekie Albay

You haven't been to the beach since summer started. You haven't been to a pool, either. Or a lake, or a waterfall, or a hot spring, or a friggin' fishpond. 

But as soon as you play these songs, in your mind, there's sand between your toes and a breeze whipping your hair and sunshine roasting your skin and friends noisily splashing around in the water ahead. In your mind, you don't look so bad in your string bikini. Scratch that; you look pretty darn fine. So fine, that you think you just might chat up that cute stranger with the curly hair sitting on the sand a few feet away from you. Maybe he'll talk to you, even offer you one of those beers in the giant cooler next to him. Maybe Big Mountain's "Baby, I Love Your Way" could come on through your little burger speakers at just the right time, and the two of you could share a look, and that could be YOUR SONG. Or maybe not; you were never really good at chatting up cute strangers with curly hair. 

Time to make that beach trip happen.

SUMMER JAMMER MIXTAPE by Cheekie Albay by Cheekie Albay on Mixcloud

Made this mixtape because I wanted to have one with Big Mountain's "Baby, I Love Your Way" in it. Heeheehee. Listen to last year's summer mixtape here.

Download the Summer Jammer Mixtape HERE. Download the tracked version HERE. SUMMER JAMMER MIXTAPE Tracklist:

1. Architecture in Helsinki - Heart It Races 2. The Tough Alliance - Silly Crimes 3. Rafter - Paper 4. The Mynabirds - Disarm 5. Vampire Weekend - Diplomat's Son 6. Miami Horror - Imagination 7. CSS - Hits Me Like a Rock 8. Generationals - Put a Light on 9. PAPA - I Am the Lion King 10. Big Mountain - Baby, I Love Your Way Image: Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)