Ian's Snow

I reblog everything I find serious, serene, sweet, silly, and/or sexy. Now buckle up and get ready for a ride~

[just-shower-thoughts]

Every single odd number has an “e” in it.

[savvygunner]

[violetnpurple]

LISTEN-

[bl6ckwoman]

Not all of them. 30 and 50 aren’t spelled with the letter e in it …

[antiandrogen]

[teamnowalls-deactivated20180918]

father god 

[abrown16]

…if you can split a number in half evenly, it’s even. 30 and 50 are odd.

[antiandrogen]

[ethereal-sketches]

-_-’

(15+15=30

25+25=30)

[britteryikes]

25+25 = 30? You sure about that??

[laurdlannister-kingslayer]

Lord have mercy….

[kumasenpai]

Bye

[mf-johnson-deactivated20190605]

3 days into 2018 smh

[kwantsu]

LMAOOOOOOO

[effigyofubiquity-deactivated202]

[lizzysarai-deactivated20190109]

One

Three

Five

Nine

And since everything else after that is a variant of these numbers, then all odds have the letter ‘E’.

[britteryikes]

🗣YOU FORGOT SEVEN!!

[thxrsdxy]

It keeps getting worse.

[e-wifey-deactivated20201128]

LMAOOO WHAT IS GOING ON

[ellsworthej]

[goldensweetcheeks-deactivated20]

My head hurts…

[skullprincess]

This is why that Tumblr University shit was the dumbest idea ever just look at this

[drankinwatahmelin]

who failed yall?

[microtear-deactivated20181213]

IM SCREAMING

[lukestarkillerisgay]

[hey-hey-shutthefuckup-deactivat]

You whole ass forgot about eight - a number with an e and is pretty fucking even

[shaolinbynature]

why would 8 be brought up if it’s EVEN in a post about ODDS??????? the post said “every single ODD number has an ‘e’ in it” not “every single number with an ‘e’ is odd” what the fuck

[emma-d-klutz]

3 days until 2019 and we’re still here

[legowerewolf]

happy New year’s eve

[prguitarman]

I’m going to bring this flaming dumpster into 2019 so future generations can see what a mistake Tumblr was

[majitowfoxlover]

Er, guys two is odd and doesn’t have an e. Just saying…

[hurleyquinnzel]

did you deadass just try to tell me two is odd? i’m fucking crying throw the whole website away

[untitled42717]

Reblogging for the last one😂

[kitsumekat]

The one thing I notice is that no matter how much you want to throw this site away, you just can’t.

[alternative-memo-deactivated202]

TWO IS ODD?!?! PFFFTT I’M SCREAMING

[binkeljuice]

Wait what about zero that’s an odd number ,no?

[hurleyquinnzel]

[mysticalpoodle]

ok but hear me out fifty and thirty make up for the fact they have no e by the way they are pronounces third-E fifth-E

[im-an-aesthetic-mess]

bro why do 30 and 50 matter THEY’RE FUCKING EVEN

[fish-food-s]

what the actual fuck is happening

[dickplinko]

1 is an even number

[link-the-feral-anon]

I’m gonna smack you

[insert-gay-pun-queer]

-30 and -50 have an e in them

[kurlyfryz]

Wait why are we so quick to throw away the Zero idea

[anachronistic-cat]

Zero isn’t a number

[kurlyfryz]

It can’t be divided by two though, can it

[toaster-120]

It can??? 0/2=0??

[kurlyfryz]

[baconaxolotl101]

OD NUMBERS

onE

thrEE

fivE

sEvEn

ninE

[batsdotjpg]

OD numbers huh?

[the-kleptomancer]

Anything that ends with a 0,2,4,6,8 is even and the rest is odd (1,3,7,9) stop freaking out y’all

[batsdotjpg]

YOU FORGOT 5

[ozzypawsbone-princeofbarkness]

DUDE WHAT ABOUT FOUR

[batsdotjpg]

What about it?????

[ozzypawsbone-princeofbarkness]

THAT DOESN’T HAVE E IN IT

[batsdotjpg]

THAT’S BECAUSE IT’S EVEN?????

[frogseyy]

A R E Y O U G U Y S O K A Y

[getinthehandbasket]

21 days away from 2020, folks.

[m-pennanti]

Please tell me I can start the new freaking decade with a post arguing about something as stupid as this. Please. 🙏

[nerdy-as-heck]

This is art at its finest

[hey-there-princey-deactivated20]

one week to 2020 dudes

[gingerlovesio]

I’m so done

[theartistformerlyknownasmma]

Im so upset that even with all the “zero is odd” “no it’s not” stuff no one bothered to point out… It doesn’t matter. Zero, 0, zEro

[thegreenpea]

But zero isn’t odd. It’s fucking the lack of a number. It’s neutral. It’s empty. There’s nothing there

[kayas-wife]

Zero is a number.

A definition of an even number is that it can be divided by 2 and the result is a whole number. Since you cannot divide zero, you cant divide it by 2 and that means that zero is an odd number.

zEro, onE, thrEE, fivE, sEvEn, ninE, ElEven, and then the suffix -teen and every other odd number in english contains the names of the numbers 1 to 9.

[endertrender]

zero is not a goddamn odd number what. even i know that and i’m not good at math. also you can divide 0 by 2, it’s 0, you literally just divide it  and you just get 0 out oh my gosh. you can’t divide by zero but you can divide zero. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parity_of_zero

https://www.britannica.com/story/is-zero-an-even-or-an-odd-number

https://www.scienceabc.com/nature/zero-odd-even.html Quote from this one “ So, technically, [zero] is even. In fact, it is the most even number there is.”

also does anybody on here ever look anything up or? this is making my brain physically hurt. christ.

[mynameismichealwithab-deactivat]

NO. NO FUCK YOU ALL WE ARE NOT BRINGING THIS SHIT INTO 2020. WHOEVER BROUGHT THIS BACK DID IT ON PURPOSE AND I WILL FUCKING HUNT YOU DOWN FOR SPORT FUCK YOU. FUCK THIS.

[natelove]

This post was an absolute train wreck and I’m cursing my followers with it

[the-hope-that-sleeps-inside-you]

Damn you

[sword-and-nightingale]

“Anyone can do math, even gay people”

Bitch, are you sure???

[naught-but-a-delusion-deactivat]

This post is amazing. The Chaos is pleased.

[guiltiest-gear]

Is this fucking number discourse

[naught-but-a-delusion-deactivat]

Do you have an issue with that?

[guiltiest-gear]

No but just out of all the things it’s about numbers

Just that it’s weird is all

[naught-but-a-delusion-deactivat]

The internet is weird, you should be used to that by now.

[guiltiest-gear]

Yeah that’s true

At least the cum soup post was less weird than this

[gecko-lizzard]

Uhh I’m sorry the what

[guiltiest-gear]

Oh boy here we go again

How many times have I done this so far

I’ve done this like… three, maybe four times so far

Do you really want to know

You can turn back now

[a-bisexual-teenager]

Please why did I have to see this post I had midterms today and my brain is already dead I don’t have enough brain cells for this

[coffeeandcrown]

I had never seen this before today and I told my grandma about it and she’s shaking her head in both humor and disappointment. Good job everyone!

[cy-n0-suree-deactivated20210707]

This is the longest post but yall forgot 6

[lem-hhn]

And 1,3,5,7, and 9 are odd numbers. 5 is an honorary even number, but it is still odd.

[im-just-here-for-the-comments]

Happy 2020 everyone! Everyday we stray further from god.

[edeyess]

2 isnt an odd number, its a prime number. they arent the same.

[deepestempathllamalawyer]

[janeslandrys]

what is going on

[deepestempathllamalawyer]

idk

[towelthoughtsofficial]

So this came on my dash again ://////

[loudvarymcpopturn-deactivated20]

@lovesickvampire-x  What the fuck is an “honorary even number” and why does 5 count as one?

[dorklesblog]

People think 2 is odd?

[that-house]

One hundred is odd if you look at it wrong enough idk

[alittlemonster]

no ur right it does have an e

[dorklesblog]

Im gonna kill myself. 100 IS EVEN

[alittlemonster]

but it has an E

[dorklesblog]

THAT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER

[dorklesblog]

IT CAN BE DIVIDED BY AN EVEN NUMBER

[they-call-me-ren]

One is even

[dorklesblog]

I’m going to stab you

[they-call-me-ren]

Please don’t

[dorklesblog]

1 IS NOT DIVISIBLE BY 2

[they-call-me-ren]

BUT IT IS THOUGH

1÷2=0.4

[dorklesblog]

OMFG

[they-call-me-ren]

D E C I M A L S

[dorklesblog]

THSTS NOT HOW IT WORKS

[they-call-me-ren]

Bullshit

[snurm]

ITS EVEN IF WHEN IT’S DIVIDED BY TWO IT COMES OUT AS A WHOLE NUMBER

[alienlamp]

so is zero even or odd

[they-call-me-ren]

Odd

[dorklesblog]

ITS NOT ODD ITS EVEN

[they-call-me-ren]

PROVE ME WRONG

[dorklesblog]

ITS ACTUALLY THE ABSENCE OF A NUMBER. ITS NEITHER

[they-call-me-ren]

O

D

D

[dorklesblog]

IT’S NEITHER YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!

[they-call-me-ren]

Prove it

[eater-of-g3nders]

Zero is the representation of nothing. Literally fucking nothing. It is niether even or odd. It is nothing.

[dorklesblog]

But zero is still even though

[imaveryneutralcapybara]

ITS NOT ODD

[dorklesblog]

DID I SAY THAT?!

[imaveryneutralcapybara]

SORRY I MEANT ITS NOT EVEN OR ODD ITS JUST NOTHING

[dorklesblog]

[sunsetcloudzz]

ONE DIVIDED BY TWO IS 0.5 DUMBASS

[dorklesblog]

Who are you talking to?

[sunsetcloudzz]

The dude who said 1 divided by 2 was 0.4

[ceaselesswatcherdoyouseethisshit]

This is honestly my favourite post

[silkwingfood]

ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR PUTTING THIS SHIT ON MY DASH

IT’S EVEN IF YOU CAN DIVIDE IT BY TWO AND GET A WHOLE NUMBER, GOT THAT?

IF IT ENDS IN ZERO, TWO, FOUR, SIX, OR EIGHT, IT’S FUCKING EVEN

IF IT ENDS IN ONE, THREE, FIVE, SEVEN, OR NINE, IT’S FUCKING ODD

ZERO IS A PLACE HOLDER

WITHOUT ZERO, 30 WOULD BE THE SAME AS 3, BITCHES

YES, ALL ODD NUMBERS HAVE AN “E”

THAT DOES NOT MEAN ALL NUMBERS WITH “E” ARE ODD

LIKE HOW A SQUARE IS A FOUR-SIDED SHAPE

BUT NOT EVERY FOUR-SIDED SHAPE IS A RECTANGLE

ZERO BY ITSELF IS NOTHING

UNTIL YOU PUT A NUMBER IN FRONT OF IT

A NUMBER WITH MORE THAN ONE DIGIT THAT STARTS WITH ONE, THREE, FIVE, SEVEN, OR NINE CAN BE ODD

A NUMBER WITH MORE THAN ONE DIGIT THAT STARTS WITH ONE, THREE, FIVE, SEVEN, OR NINE CAN BE EVEN

A NUMBER WITH MORE THAN ONE DIGIT THAT STARTS WITH ZERO, TWO, FOUR, SIX, OR EIGHT CAN BE EVEN

A NUMBER WITH MORE THAN ONE DIGIT THAT STARTS WITH ZERO, TWO, FOUR, SIX, OR EIGHT CAN BE ODD

TWENTY FIVE PLUS TWENTY FIVE IS FIFTY, NOT FUCKING THIRTY

EIGHT IS FUCKING EVEN

TWO IS FUCKING EVEN

FIFTY IS FUCKING EVEN

ONE IS FUCKING ODD

THIRTY IS FUCKING EVEN

YOU CAN DIVIDE BY ZERO

YOU CANNOT DIVIDE ZERO ITSELF

FOUR IS FUCKING EVEN

ZERO IS FUCKING EVEN

SIX IS FUCKING EVEN

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS HONORARY EVEN OR HONORARY ODD

IT’S SPELLED ODD NOT “OD”

ONE HUNDRED IS FUCKING EVEN

I USUALLY TRY TO BE POLITE AND UNDERSTANDING BUT THIS. IS WHERE. I DRAW. THE LINE.

IT’S BASIC MATH, FUCKERS

BASIC

FUCKING 

MATH

NOW THAT I HAVE CORRECTED EVERYTHING WRONG IN THIS POST, I THINK I’M GOING TO BLOCK THOSE WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND ELEMENTARY LEVEL MATH

@just-shower-thoughts, DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA WHAT ANARCHY YOU’VE CAUSED HERE?

I AM GOING TO SHOW THIS TO MY MATH TEACHER I SWEAR TO GOD

[silkwingfood]

i wrote down the urls of every dumbass on this post and i’m blocking them all

[boopypastaissalty]

This post gave me an anyerism

[your-dads-filing-cabinet]

*Aneurysm

[boopypastaissalty]

*shakes fist at gods*

Curses

[did-someone-say-cookies-deactiv]

@silkwingfood FUCKING THANK YOU MAN JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK EVEN WAS THAT

[silkwingfood]

i like to call it the “mathematical catastrophe post”

[snakeofcookie]

5 is an honorary even number because it is nicely spaced and if the brain is allowed to say that feeling is green and classical music smells like grapes 5 can be an honorary even number if not mathematically one.

Otherwise you are correct.

[silkwingfood]

i’m pretty sure this is a joke but after this trainwreck i’m not sure please tell me this is a joke

[mageoffur]

but 30 is odd??

[silkwingfood]

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS I DO NOT HAVE THE BRAIN CELLS TO DEAL WITH THIS

[i-have-no-soul]

sweet jesus christ this website

[beyonce-knowles-carter]

DISNEY + TRIVIA

SLEEPING BEAUTY (1959) BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (1991) TREASURE PLANET (2002) FROZEN (2013) THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME (1996) HERCULES (1997) MOANA (2016) MULAN (1998) OLIVER & COMPANY (1988) ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE (2001)

[xxxepicfortnitegamerxxx]

really don’t like the treasure planet factoid.

[strawberryoverlord]

I for one am proud of him fuck yall

[inglenew]

we apreciate a t4t couple

[everythingfox]

(via)

[ian-mitchel]

If northerners enjoy getting high...

Do southerners enjoy getting howdy?

Asking for a friend.

[trynottodrown]

[meglyman]

Mimic Octopus has had enough of Dancing Crab’s shenanigans

[bugcthulhu]

darn dancing crabs and their jazz crab hands

[blue-bower]

‘HELLO MY BABY HELLO MY H-“ “NO”

[batchygyo]

i cant control my hand suddenly

[iraprince]

thinking out loud

[omghotmemes]

Y'all forgetting the OG

[invaderxan]

Heard some important information on Twitter today, and thought I’d post it here for anyone who may not have heard it. This is actually a thing, devised by human rights organisation called Karma Nirvana.

Reblog to save a life?

[theindependentconservative]

Reblog to save a life.

[libertarirynn-deactivated202006]

Sharing because it’s actually a verified and sourced thing and not one of those dumbass fake tip posts.

[lordfreemanofficial]

Fuck me thats clever, actually worth reblogging

[awanqi]

Umbrella Academy sketch dump!! I love this show

[sickbrokenangel]

[sickbrokenangel]

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING RESPONSE IVE EVER GOTTEN ON ANY OF MY POSTS EVER

[furbearingbrick]

“but the age of consent in other countries is…”

[rannulfr]

As a history major I also want add to the beautiful comments on this post that things weren’t “different back then” either.

The average medieval woman was married in her early or mid twenties.

Arranged marriages might have rarely been performed at a younger age, but it was absolutely not normal for them to be consummated, and the punishment for pedophilia when it could be proved was usually far worse than it is today.

Stop using medieval inspired fantasy as an escape for your sick bullshit.

[rosslynpaladin]

Medievalist piping in to add yes he’s right. Child marriages were looked on with disdain and disgust in the Middle Ages. Arranged marriages might be performed as a rite and to secure land but it was kind of obvious to everyone involved that it was a legality thing and that the pair of children or child involved would not actually be involved in anything until they were an adult. Because that’s never been acceptable.

[binary-suunset]

And before anyone says “but Ancient Greece!”…. no.

It is true that pedastery was practiced in Ancient Athens, modelling themselves on Minoan Crete, and that the younger partner in such a relationship could be as young as 15.

What they don’t tell you is that the age of majority in Ancient Athens was… also 15. These young men were old enough to vote, marry, and own land. You know, what we’d call in the modern era “a legal adult.” And even then, the sexual aspects of pedastery were frowned upon until the younger partner could grow out a full beard. These relationships were mainly used as a gateway into Athenian elite circles and to teach all the complex social customs practices therein, not as an excuse to bone underage boys (though I’m sure some unscrupulous individuals used it that way. It wasn’t the norm, though).

And many of the older partners werent that much older, usually in their early to late 20’s.

So yeah, the Athenians would look at you leering at that 14-year-old and also want to vom. An adult thirsting after someone below the age of majority has (surprise!) always been considered super taboo!

It’s almost like we created the age of majority to decide the age at which most people are mature enough to make important, adult decisions like marriage. And sure, in our modern era, that age is no longer 15 (and for good reason!), but when we analyse these sorts of practices, they require more historical context than just “the Greeks were paedophiles.”

[furbearingbrick]

historyblr is absolutely tearing apart MAP apologists in this thread and I’m all for it

[skeleslime-phantom]

Popular Opinion

Mint Ice Cream and other mint flavored foods taste GREAT and y'all can’t change my mind

[sushinfood]

op do you accept constructive criticism

[skeleslime-phantom]

choose your next words carefully, dear sushi

[sushinfood]

m i n t    s u c k 

[skeleslime-phantom]

YOU COME INTO MY HOUSE DISRESPECT MY MINTS

[anexperimentallife]

This explains so much!

[yomikoreadsbooks]

Well, that’s just great!

[sweetdreamr]

my brain when somebody tells me to ‘try harder’

[stcndupeight]

This is why creating an environment of acceptance for people with ADHD and other learning disabilities is paramount. It’s not only the basically humane thing to do, it also actively helps them achieve the goal you’ve set for them. 

[tamtamdi]

Name this humanized Pokémon Gen1 (KOR/ENG/JP)

check out the rest of the humanized Pokémon> tamtamdi.com

I made a quiz for my Gen 1 Pokémon humanization! (KOR/ENG/JP answers only)

제가 그린 1세대 포켓몬 의인화로 퀴즈를 만들어 봐았습니다! (한/영/일 답변만 가능해요)

[ian-mitchel]

@fennecphoenixm I misspelled one and missed another... wanna try?

[writing-prompt-s]

Everyone has a reaper. The further away it is, the longer you have left to live. Every day it inches a little bit closer, but it is always there. Except yours, which disappeared three weeks ago

[jordisstigander]

I pulled over to the side of the highway, legs aching from sitting so long. I was in the middle of nowhere, and I’d driven hours to get here.

I steeled myself and turned off the car.

Everyone’s born with one. A reaper. People say nobody’s reaper looks the same, like everyone’s personal terrifying snowflake of death. No one knows for certain, though, because you can only see your own reaper. 

Very little is actually known about them. It’s hard to study something you can never touch.

The car door slammed shut more loudly than I’d intended. Now that the engine was off, the only other sounds were the wind softly trickling through the brown grass and the soles of my sneakers on the pavement.

For miles around me, there was only grassland, flat, empty. I turned, round and round, searching.

And saw nothing.

When you’re born, your reaper is far away. From that moment, it starts to move closer. Sometimes it’s slow, not even an inch over years. Sometimes you look up, and it’s standing face to face with you.

The things you do can affect how quickly it moves. My grandfather confessed that his reaper started moving faster the day he first smoked a cigarette. Drunks report getting behind the wheel of their cars only to see their reaper sitting beside them.

They say you never touch your reaper until the day you die.

My reaper disappeared about three weeks ago.

I’m not sure exactly when it happened. It isn’t close enough to always be in the same room with me, and it isn’t like I’m constantly checking to see how close it is.

But I usually do catch glimpses of it in the hallways of my office, lingering near the doorway while I wait in line at the coffee shop, watching as I get in my car in the morning. And one day, I just…didn’t.

It was gone.

It. When did I start calling it “It?” Not it, him. He. My reaper’s not an it. He.

Was it my parents or a teacher who first told me to stop calling him a him? Don’t personify it. Don’t give death that kind of power in your life. Your reaper is not a person. Your reaper does not have a gender. Your reaper does not have a name.

When did I start listening to them? When did I lose his name?

I spent the first few days in denial. I just wasn’t looking in the right places, I told myself. Just because I didn’t see it (him) didn’t mean it was gone.

But I didn’t see it (him him him) anywhere. Not in the grocery store parking lot, not in the stairs of my apartment building, not in the long dusty stacks of the library.

So I turned to the internet. 

Reaper Disappeared

My reaper is gone

I can’t see my reaper

What does it mean if I can’t find my reaper

I found all sorts of articles and forums on reapers. People freaking out because their reaper was moving faster, people trying to figure out why their reaper was farther away, people arguing over what it meant if their reaper’s appearance changed.

No one claimed their reaper had suddenly just disappeared.

Reapers aren’t people.

My mother was firm.

Reapers don’t have names.

She told me over and over until I learned to stop talking about it.

Until I started to doubt what I had heard.

Reapers never talk.

But that didn’t mean I forgot.

There wasn’t anyone I could talk to. How would I even start? What did this even mean if he was gone?

Had I discovered the cure for death? Was I going to live forever?

Or was I simply going to have to walk through life not knowing when death would come for me?

One way or another, I had to be certain he was gone.

I got into my car and started driving.

I couldn’t see anything but brown grass and broken concrete.

Maybe if I could just see a little bit farther, I thought as I scrambled on top of my car. I perched on top of it uncertainly, scanning the horizon for any sign.

I started to scream.

Where are you and Why are you doing this and Please, I can’t take this and I don’t understand, please.

Please.

I don’t want to live forever.

I don’t want to watch everyone die.

I don’t want to be alone.

Please, don’t let me be alone.

I whimpered the last ones into my knees, curled up on the ground beside my car, then whispered the name I heard him say so many years ago.

“Isa, please.”

After a few minutes I calmed myself, swallowing deep breaths of air. I unfolded my body and went to stand up.

Isa was standing over me.

“Sorry about that,” he said as I recoiled, falling back against the car.

“You’re talking,” I stated dumbly.

“Well, yes. That shouldn’t come as a total surprise. We have spoken before.”

“You said one word to me when I was a kid,” I replied indignantly, fear turning to anger, “And my mom sent me to a child psychologist because I kept insisting you talked. And where have you been? Reapers aren’t just supposed to disappear!”

He shrugged. “There was something I had to take care of, sorry.” He smiled a bit ruefully. That was something else reapers weren’t supposed to do, and it must have shown in my face.

He crouched down beside me, ignoring how I flinched backwards.

“Look, there are some things we need to discuss.” He held out his hand, “Let’s go somewhere we can talk.”

I stared at his hand. “Look, I know I don’t want to live forever and all, but…that doesn’t mean I want to die right now or anything.”

“You’re not going to die,” Isa said, mouth twitching upwards, “Not for a good while, not if I can help it. Most of what you think you know about us is wrong, okay?”

“So you’re saying I shouldn’t be afraid of you?” I hedged.

He shook his head. “No, that’s not what I meant at all. But you can trust me.”

“That’s…not very comforting,” I muttered. He waited, patiently, hand outstretched.

“Ah, what the hell,” I said, and I took Isa’s hand.

[jordisstigander]

Reaper: Chapter Two

His hand was warm.

Isa pulled me to my feet. “Just a second,” he said, scanning the area.

I didn’t feel dead. I could feel the wind on my skin and my heart hammering in my chest. My hands were trembling with adrenaline. That had to be a good sign.

“Kat,” Isa said, startling me. I had been staring at my hands so intently that I hadn’t noticed he was holding out his hand to me again.

“I’m not dead,” I informed him a bit giddily, taking his hand again.

Isa didn’t smile, but the corners of his eyes crinkled. “This way,” he said, pointing with his free hand. I looked, but he seemed to be pointing towards thin air.

He led me away from the broken highway and my silver car, wading through the faded brown grass. After about twenty yards he stopped and turned to me.

“I need you to think of a place,” he said, “Any place.”

My mind went blank. “Any place?”

“Anywhere. Visualize it in your mind. Got it?” I hesitated before nodding. “Good. Now we’re going to take one more step together.”

I looked at the grass before us. It didn’t look any different from any other patch of grass we’d passed. I drew a deep breath.

“Okay.”

“And go.”

As we stepped forward together, the air went…soft. Like a deep, thick mattress. Like holding an overripe peach in your hands and slowly pressing in your thumbs, letting them sink into it. Not hot or cold or anything like that. Just soft.

Less than a moment passed before the softness was gone; I didn’t even have time to blink. We were still standing in the grass by the highway. I could see my car close by and the mountains looming in the distance. But the edges of the mountains were vague and unclear, and the light that filtered through the clouds was tinted red, almost as though it was shining through rose-colored glass. More telling was the quiet. The wind had disappeared, and the grass was silent and still.

“You know,” Isa commented, “I think people usually choose somewhere other than the place they’re currently standing.”

“I panicked,” I responded, taking in everything around me, “Which seems to be my basic state of existence at this point.”

Unlike everything else, Isa seemed more real than ever. The basics were still the same: pale, ashy skin stretched tight over his body, white hair, and jet black eyes set deep in their sockets. His fingers and limbs were overly long for his body, and he was wearing a black hooded coat with loose sleeves, grey pants, boots, and a t-shirt with a vintage ad for spam.

However, his skin lacked the translucent quality it usually had, and his shadow -

“You have a shadow,” I blurted out, “You have a - the grass. You’re actually crushing down the grass.” I knelt down and confirmed for myself that yes, the grass could be pressed down, and then I turned around and thrust out my hand. The softness was waiting just feet behind me. “Where are we?”

“This is an inbetween place,” he replied, watching as I shuffled a few feet to the side and stuck out my hand again, “We needed somewhere safe to talk.”

I pulled my hand from the softness and tried again. “And the deserted highway wasn’t cutting it?”

Isa pressed his lips together. “It’s not humans that I’m worried about overhearing us.”

I paused mid thrust. “Oh.” The fear which had almost been forgotten in my wonder flared up.

“Here,” Isa said, and he took my hand again, leading me around whatever invisible portal we had passed through. Almost mindlessly I walked towards the car.

“Are we safe here, then?”

He shrugged. “Should be. I don’t think I was followed - there’s no good reason anyone would, really, I’m not a major player. But it’s not wise to talk about these things in the open on principle.”

We reached the car, and I stretched out my hand to touch it. It was solid under my fingers, but the numbers on the license plate were scrambled, changing every time I blinked. 

Isa stopped me as I went to open the driver’s side door.

"I just wanted to see if it would start,” I said.

Isa shook his head. “It might, but it’s not wise to go through any doors here. There’s no telling where you might end up.”

A little disappointed, I perched on the trunk instead, pulling up my legs and wrapping my arms around them. Isa stood before me, hands shoved in his pockets.

“So…” I started, Isa looking at me expectantly, “Are you an angel?”

Isa burst out laughing. It was an odd sound, out of place in the unnatural silence of the inbetween.

“No, and I wouldn’t let an angel hear you say that if I were you. Actually, it would probably be fine; most angels I’ve met are quite nice. But trust me, if you ever meet an angel, you’ll know it. People tend to fall over when they show up.”

“Okay, not an angel.” There went half the theories I’d ever read. “Then what are you? And don’t say a reaper.”

“I never really liked that name anyway,” he replied. He kicked the ground for a moment, thinking. “I’m the guardian of your soul. I’ve been with you since your soul first joined your body. I will ensure no one touches it until your life is complete.”

“…And when my life is complete?”

“I take your soul,” he answered nonchalantly, “ - Kat?”

I rolled off the car, running into the field, running towards the softness.

Maybe he wasn’t an angel after all. But there were other theories about the reapers.

“Kat?” he called after me, “I’m not taking your soul here and now.”

I stumbled to a stop in a panic. The grass all looked the same. Whatever gateway we’d walked through wasn’t marked by any kind of visual cue. I was effectively trapped.

“Maybe you’re not taking it now,” I said as I turned, arms tight by my sides, hands clenched, “but you’re going to.”

Isa walked towards me slowly, “That probably wasn’t the best way for me to phrase that.” I shrank away from him instinctively, and he sighed. “This would be easier if I was an angel. They’re good at explaining things. Can I try again?”

He waited until I nodded hesitantly.

“I’m the guardian of your soul. I was bound to you the moment your soul entered your body. While you live, I’ll protect your soul from harm. When your days are complete, I’ll carry your soul to its rest. I’m not going to kill you, consume your soul, drain your life force, steal your corporeal form,  keep you in a tortured disembodied state devoid of all sensation, or anything else of that kind.”

I stared at him. “That’s…really specific.”

“But you’re not running this time,” Isa noted.

“If you’re lying, I’m screwed anyway,” I retorted.

“Ah.” Isa’s body seemed to droop ever so slightly. “I liked it better when you just trusted me.”

“And I liked it better when I wasn’t afraid I was going crazy,” I snapped. I shut my eyes and paused, willing myself to breath deeply. “I’m tired. I’m stressed and exhausted and I have no clue what’s going on. You disappeared for two weeks and I didn’t even know reapers could do that, and now you’re talking and you touched me and I’m somehow not dead and we’re in a freaking alternate dimension or something and it’s just a bit much.”

“I didn’t intend to let things get this out of hand,” Isa admitted, “I only thought I’d be gone for a few hours at most.”

Finally, the question that had been burning in my chest for weeks. “What happened? Why did you leave?”

“There was a reaper who needed help. He and his human were being targeted, and they weren’t going to make it.”

“Are they okay?”

His face brightened a bit. “They are. The woman died and he was able to deliver her soul safely.”

“Your definition of a happy ending and mine are a little different,” I muttered, “What did they need protection from?”

Isa looked grim. “There are many beings who would want to misuse a human soul,” he said softly, “And there are others who would like nothing more than to see a reaper give into the temptation to take advantage of their charge. Some of these were attacking this reaper in the hope of either claiming the soul for themselves or, if nothing else, forcing the reaper into a position where he drew on the soul for power. I thought they’d back off once I came to his aid, but they fought until the end.”

Behind Isa’s shoulder, I saw something like a dark smudge on the horizon where the mountains met the sky. A horrible sense of wrongness settled in my gut.

“I didn’t mean to leave you for so long,” he continued, “And it shouldn’t -”

“Isa,” I interrupted, pointing urgently, “There’s something here.”

Isa turned to look. The smudge was getting larger. “No,” he said, “No no no no!” He grabbed my hand.

“We need to move now!” He took off across the field, dragging me behind him. We passed through the softness and the world shifted, the rosy light turning grey. We sprinted back to my car.

I looked back towards the mountains. I couldn’t see anything.

“Get in the car,” Isa ordered, and I hurried to do so. After buckling myself in, I looked up to see Isa pull out a gun.

“Drive home as fast as you can,” he said, ignoring my shock, “And don’t stop until I say so.” With that, he swung himself onto the roof of my car.

I turned on the car and made a U-turn, pressing the pedal to the floor. A minute later gun shots rang out, and I looked into the mirror to see something burst through the portal and hurtle down the broken highway in pursuit.

[jordisstigander]

Reaper Chp. 3

Chp. 1, Chp. 2

I fought to keep my eyes on the road instead of the thing in the rearview mirror as the speedometer ticked higher, higher. Even so, I still caught glimpses of it out of the corner of my eye: some polymorphic shape, flowing in and out of itself.

It was gaining on us.

As it got closer, I started to notice individual features. Teeth, a wing. A face, or…not faces? But every time I thought I saw something distinguishing in what I now thought had to be more than one creature, I quickly lost track of it in the swirling cloud.

Aesa continued to fire at the swarm, and it seemed to ripple with the impacts. It didn’t slow down.

Suddenly, Aesa jumped on the hood of the car. I swerved in shock, nearly spinning out of control, but Aesa remained firmly planted where he crouched. His dark eyes locked with mine.

“Whatever happens, keep driving,” he ordered. Then he turned to face the road, coat swirling around him. He reached out, hands clawed as though he was trying to tear the air apart. The air began to shimmer and warp as he strained, the muscles on the back of his neck standing out.

The swarm was getting closer, and individual members of the group were breaking off, getting closer, closer.

Then Aesa screamed.

Energy pulsed through my being, and I saw reality rip in front of me. I had no time to react, and the next thing I knew, we were hurtling through.

I could feel the pressure around me once again, but this time it was neither soft nor gentle. It pulled  at me: my hair, my skin, my eyes, dragging me backwards like a rubber band. Then the pressure snapped, and we were through to the other side.

This place did not look anything like the fields and mountains of the landscape of the inbetween I had seen before. The terrain was warped, rocky, and violet-grey, the sky a strange olive green. I jerked the wheel to avoid twisted outcroppings and instinctively hit the brakes.

“Keep going!” Aesa yelled, “We have to draw them in!” And so I gasped a prayer and stomped on the gas as my tiny vehicle rocketed through the alien landscape.

We gained a little breathing room as the swarm was forced to fight their way through the hole Aesa had ripped for us, but they quickly burst through. Before, we’d had the advantage of a straight, clear highway; now we were slowed as I desperately swerved through the uneven terrain of the other place.

And now, I could hear them. They muttered and shrieked almost words, echos of hunger and hatred and an ancient fear. However, Aesa didn’t fire on them even as they neared, crouching in wait on the trunk. Finally, he reached out again, and the hole he had made in reality began to shimmer and knit itself back together.

Distracted by the sight, I was forced to jerk the wheel to the side, barely avoiding a large rock which suddenly loomed before us, sending us between the walls of a canyon. Horrified, I realized that the canyon appeared to empty out into nothingness.

“Aesa!” I screamed. He turned, sprinting to the front of the car.

“Just keep going!” He told me.

The swarm was right behind us now. Gas pedal pressed to the floor, I stared helplessly as we speed towards the edge of the cliff. Tires kicked up violet dust and pebbles before spinning uselessly as we hurtled over the edge. For a moment, all I saw was the olive sky. As we began to fall, I saw a deep abyss beneath us, sparkling with neon flame. I closed my eyes, the screams of the swarm enveloping me.

A moment later the pressure embraced me again, and by the time I opened my eyes we were flung back into the world. Gravity shifted, and instead of falling nose first, we crashed wheels down into the middle of a field of wheat, deploying my airbags as dirt spraying around us and we skidded to a stop.

Aesa flung up his arms to seal the hole, but the swarm was already forcing its way through. Three managed to squeeze their way through before the final cracks glistened and disappeared, severing another as they did.

Aesa drew his weapon and fired off three shots in quick succession, the final stray exploding into a grey mist beside my window.

I clung to the steering wheel and breathed as the wheat shivered and stilled. Everything fell silent. Aesa sighed, slumped his shoulders, and fell off the back of my car. I threw open my car door and tried to run to him, but my legs gave out. I fell to my knees and vomited.

On the ground beside me, the last remnants of the thing bubbled away into nothingness.

Breathing heavily, I crawled over to where Aesa lay, crumpled. He seemed almost ethereal, more a shadow than a man. I reached out a trembling hand to touch him.

“No,” he whispered, “no help, not safe, just, rest, a minute, please.”

I drew back and let myself sink into the crushed wheat, moving only to try to spit the foulness out my mouth.

Finally, Aesa stirred. When he spoke, I could barely hear his voice.

“We need, get back, people. Safer.” I dragged my eyes to his face. He wore a thousand-yard stare. “If, I can’t, another. Need others.” He began to drag himself back to the car, and I followed suit. I shoved the airbags out of the way and strapped myself into the seat.

I reached for the steering wheel and then stopped, trembling.

“What was that thing?”

Aesa didn’t look at me.

“I’ll tell what I can later. Rest now. Please.”

I looked at him sitting there, barely present, as though he might fracture at lightest touch. I pushed away my fear and made myself go numb.

I pulled out onto the highway, speeding away from unspoken terrors and a field of crumpled wheat.