Leider nein, leider gar nicht, sorry...

[homunculus-argument]

Fascinated by the people who comment on online recipes like

"I tried making this vegetable dip! I didn't have mayo so I just used low fat yogurt instead, and we are doing keto so I replaced the sour cream with lard. My husband is deathly allergic to citrus fruit so to get the same tang I added vinegar instead of lime juice. I used pancake mix instead of garlic, and since I didn't have salt, pepper, paprika, onion powder, parsley, or dill, I substituted with pumpkin spice and ground-up civet skull. My husband hated it :( I don't know what I did wrong."

Well ma'am, first of all, you made the Dip of Theseus.

[chemicahs]

putting butter on toasted bread is so good has anyone else tried this shit

[icksludge]

intersring dish. drop the recipe

[chemicahs]

Im so glad you asked! In my family, we’re a little different. For generations, butter has been a staple ingredient in all of our recipes. It all started in 1943 when my great grandfather Jo discovered cows. As a youngster he used to churn milk while watching the family of mourning doves on the neighbors land fight over the plumpest worms each morning. The doves feeding their children inspired grandpa Jo so much throughout the years that an idea sparked in his head. He then started the family business we all know as Bo’s kitchen (changed it to Bo for the letter B from butter.)

One day a young woman named Margeryne came into our shop and excitedly declared she also enjoyed making food in the shape of a rectangle. Upon hearing this grandpa Jo almost called his lawyer to file a lawsuit, assuming if anyone else found a way to make food in the shape of a rectangle it must be a stolen copy of our one-of-a-kind melt-in-your-mouth butter recipe. But he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard her call this rectangular food a “Loaf.” We stared in awe at her creation for what felt like hours. That’s when I tried bread for the very first time. It was shockingly delicious and wonderfully fluffy.

But, even then, I had never thought about putting butter on top of bread before. In this recipe I will show you how two rectangular foods combine to make something even greater, something that will make you say Mmmmm! like you’ve never said it before.

Ingredients:

- butter

- bread

Directions:

Toast 2 slices of bread, spread a pad of butter on the tops of each, serve warm.

[icksludge]

2 stars. it was terrible. idk what went wrong, i replaced the bread with a brick and the butter for cement paste to cut back on carbs (im on the curbs diet) and it just tasted like rocks. WTF. 😡😡

[eternalcyclicality]

[miseria-fortes-viros]

@inbabylontheywept

[captain-britain]

Seto Kaiba really is The Character of All Time. He has more money than God. He's the reincarnation of an Ancient Egyptian Priest. He gets a lobotomy that erases all the evil in his heart and is still mostly a dick. He loves his brother more than himself. He drove his step-father to suicide at age 10. He's obsessed with one very specific Dragon. He killed the digital ghost his step-father left behind. He literally said "Stop saving the world and get a hobby." People are constantly trying to steal his company. He turned the in-universe equivalent of Lockheed Martin into the in-universe equivalent of Nintendo. A second lobotomy would not fix him. He gets his soul stolen more than once. He flies around in a jet shaped like the Dragon he's obsessed with. His entire dueling strategy is summoning the Dragon he's obsessed with and bludgeoning people to death with it. Somehow this strategy worked so well that he never lost before he got lobotomized. People try to kill him with satallites.

He's like 16 years old.

[heckyeahponyscans]

I watched the live action version of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" on Youtube and I was not ready for the utter lack of emotions from the CGI animals.

Nala looking concerned about Simba hiding something about his past, a comparison:

Also, in CGI this song called "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" does not take place at night.

[naamahdarling]

[teaboot]

Too bad the prophet Cassandra never met Odysseus

[teaboot]

They say if she made a prophecy Nobody would believe her

[edgar-allan-possum]

I’ve gotta say, that is exactly the kind of stupid thing that probably would circumvent a curse.

[elidyce]

Cassandra: YOU ARE ALL GOING TO REGRET THIS SO MUCH YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. 

Odysseus: Regret it why?

Cassandra: You won’t believe me if I tell you. If I prophecy, nobody believes me. That is my curse.

Odysseus: … I’m Nobody. Fill me in. 

*A couple of months later* 

Odysseus: HELLO PENELOPE, I AM HERE PRECISELY ON TIME AND NOT YEARS LATE incidentally I rescued and adopted a Trojan seer while I was away, she’s great, got me home really fast, Cassandra this is your new mother who’s not going to treat you like shit. 

Penelope: … I’m going to need more details, but okay, sure. 

Cassandra: *in tears* I love you, new family. 

[cipheramnesia]

Cassandra: Penelope, I’ve had another vision.

Penelope, sighs: Go tell your father.

[val-the-bun]

[sankta-wraith]

the original? on my dash?

[absolutely-esme]

Apollo: you’re the one who unleashed your little freak of a trouble maker on my Greek tragedy! You don’t get to blame me for this.

[pronouncingitwang]

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

[yokowan]

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

[le-jardin-inculte]

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

[shithowdy]

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

[whitachi]

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

[araceil]

At some point in your life you will be adding garlic to a dish and you will think "that is not enough garlic." These are angels speaking. They are correct. Add more garlic.

[alexandriad]

woman yelling at cat meme but make it ancient greek red figure pottery

[swirling-orbs-of-disorder]

From ancient to abstract, this one sure got around.

Japanese one made no sense to me until I finally saw the “sale sale/sasa lele” version. セール　セール。 But then it’s a meme so it has to be misspelled?  🤷‍♂️

[everyone-loves-purple]

tHERE ARE MEMES IN THOSE HIEROGLYPHICS

[fromsiberia]

Ohhhhhhh…. Chinese and greek are my favourite, but there is more!

[aaaaalice]

Apollo telling Annabeth about how he wants his palace to be rebuilt: "...and a big statue of me holding a big red ball!"

Annabeth: "Not a typical depiction of the sun, but okay, we can-"

Apollo: "No, not the sun. A rubber ball, a dodgeball, I think you mortals call it."

Annabeth: "I thought Hermes was the god of sports?"

Apollo: "He is, but I'm the god of prophecy, and trust me, this is gonna be really funny in five to ten years."

[chthonicillness]

my teeth were perfectly designed to tear abd rend the soft white flesh of the gentle beast known as the mozzarella

[sunshinestarseed-deactivated202]

[just-shower-thoughts]

We’re really lucky that blinking doesn’t make noise

[berg-gry]

[unmooredonasundayevening]

writing tip: don’t tell us your character’s backstory. don’t tell us what your character is thinking. don’t tell us what your character is doing. don’t tell us anything. the reader should simply look at a blank page and be suddenly overcome with emotion.

[clinticalthinkr]

Good tip. I know a lot of writers who cry uncontrollably when they see a blank page, so I’m sure that feeling will translate directly to the reader.

[rubyvroom]

[rubyvroom]

Yeah, it's time to get this post out again

[shrimpleasthat]

German Summer Gothic

The weather forecast says a heat wave is coming. It’s never been this hot before, you feel like taking off your entire skin. The Thermostat says it’s 23 °C. The basic rules of modesty do not apply anymore. You get as naked as you can possibly afford at all times. Can you wear a bikini top and boxer shorts to university? Your professor does. Flip Flop. Flip Flop. Flip Flop. You turn around to see if someone is following you. No one in sight. You walk a little faster. Flip Flop. Flip Flop. They’re almost here. You sit next to a stranger on the bus. Your thighs are touching. When you try to get up for your stop, you cannot move. The stranger is staring out of the window, but you can’t see their face in the reflection. Your upper legs have fused together and it will only be a matter of time before one of you consumes the other. It’s 36° and it’s getting heißer. Life doesn’t feel hard at all. It’s getting heißer and heißer. You try to turn off the radio, but as soon as you turn your back to it, it’s 36° again and it’s getting heißer. The Klimaanlage in the Deutsche Bahn is broken. It’s always been broken. You’ve heard people say there is a single car where it works, but it’s never the one you’re in. The doors of the Tram open and 50 hungry lungs breathe in in unison. You don’t hear anything but the rattling over the Weichen until the next stop. You didn’t know you could hold your breath this long. You come home to find all of your shoes have been replaced with Flip Flops. Even the Sandalen you put on your own feet this morning have transformed while you were out, it seems. Or did you put them on? You can’t remember. There’s no answers. You wake up to the sun shining in your face. It’s 4 am and your window is on the north side of the house. Mom asks you to mäh the Rasen. You are sure you did it yesterday, but you also feel your nostrils longing for the smell of frischgeschnittnem Gras. How long has it been since you’ve eaten anything? The Flutschfinger at the Kiosk is 4,50€ now.

[sixft]

wikipedia is good

[window-panel]

[vacuously-true]

It is extremely rare that I get unintentionally rickrolled. It is extremely common that I look at a link and think to myself, that's a rickroll, and I click on it. Then I get to enjoy the satisfaction of being correct, as well as the entirety of Never Gonna Give You Up. That shit is a banger. If someone offers me a link directly to that song you think I'm not gonna take it? No. You know the rules and so do I. It's Astley time.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

nosferatu? no. tuferatu. no es mi problema.

[quorpiest]

no mi circo no mis feratus

[translatingpostsinfrench]

batmanestunedroguedepassage

nosferatu ? non. tesferatu. c'est pas mon problème.

quorprêtre

pas mon cirque pas mes feratus.