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@lifebestronks
I love how Zohran Mamdani is wearing a suit everywhere. And if he has anything else he puts it ON TOP of the suit. A basketball jersey. A high-vis vest. All worn over the suit. He’s like the mayor character in a cartoon who’s always dressed as The Mayor. If I didn’t know who he was and he biked past me in NYC I’d be like holy shit was that the mayor
I like checking my mutuals blogs after I wake up. It's like my version of reading the paper, the very horny, slutty, often deranged version of the paper.
Picture it. Decades after the world is saved, a huge alien spacecraft touches down on earth.
Scientist, politicians, and thousands of reporters gather to witness the aliens disembark the ship. A group of boulder-like creatures, clicking and whistling to the humans around them.
One of them raises something large and metallic towards the crowd.
There's an immediate recoil of fear (is it a weapon?!) before the audience realises it's human technology. A laptop, old and beaten and looks like it was put back together by a drunk.
The alien presses a button.
"Hello Earth, this is Doctor Captain Ryland Grace. These guys are Eridians and they're here on a shopping trip. I have a list and no money, but I did save the world so that has to count for something. Number one, salt and vinegar chips. Actually anything potato. Number two, I miss apple juice. Number three,"
every day i am thankful to ancient humans for the domestication of the cat. fucking genius idea. agriculture was a good one too btw but you really outdid yourselves with the cat thing
reblogs were off
in a reasonable canon, shane would simply have THEE most dependent and intimate relationship with the montreal team nutritionist. like, he has her on speed dial. they text multiple times per day. she spends 60% of her work hours adjusting meal plans for his texture issues and aversions. nobody else really sees how intense their connection is.
when he was crashing out about trading to ottawa, he said, "You know, it's just gonna be really hard to leave melissa," and hayden was sitting right there like. "melissa?? it's gonna be hard to leave MELISSA??"
but i think we can probably convince melissa to move to ottawa with him, don't worry.
Shane is the type of ridiculously hot that he ends up on random people’s TikTok pages with them begging people to help find him.
Hockey fans then have to break their hearts by letting them know that 1) he’s gay 2) he’s married and 3) his husband is just as hot as he is.
just saw a "only one bed" fic with the major character death warning
#i guess that's one way to solve that problem
“This bed ain’t big enough for the both of us.”
Cliff can't believe he didn't figure it out sooner. The strange move to Ottawa. How happy he's been. And most damming of all, "Jane", it fucking rhymes!
He watches a highlight reel of Ilya celebrating with his line and realizes he's just going to have to accept it.
Ilya was in love with Zane Boodram.
Ilya, in a Hawaiian shirt that makes him feel stupid, terrified Shane is secretly engaged to a literal movie star, on the knife edge of elation and despair: so how’s your girlfriend
Shane, on a mission, already forgot he was informed he was gay five minutes ago, half bricked up and ready to rub it on his man: who?
Do I think that Shane wants to self-identity as anything other than Hockey Player? No not really. I think he would be perfectly content and happy to exist with no labels on his person. As far as he's concerned he is a Stanley Cup Winner and the whole husband thing is just a fun fact. Like yes, I broke the brains of an entire generation of hockey fans when my homosexual affair made international news. It's fine, I married him. Now back to my Cup wins. I have three. Now that I play on the same team as Ilya Rozanov I'll get more. He's the second-best player in the league. What? Yeah he has a husband too. Yeah it's me. We're not talking about that though.
Do I also think that Shane should be allowed to, whenever it would have the most effect, bring any given conversation to a screeching halt by rolling his eyes, announcing, "I'm too much of a bottom for this shit," and walking away? Yes I do. The man has suffered more than Christ and he deserves it.
Oh shit wait ok
So one year for charity different pro athletes get asked to participate in a live game based on one of those “how well do you know your partner” games but instead it’s “how well do you know your rival” and participating means you get to raise money for a charity of your choice and obviously Shane and Ilya want to promote the Irina Project so they agree and go up against other current famous rivals from other sports
And Shane and Ilya discuss ahead of time that obviously they’ll have to just play things off as they usually do, light hearted chirps back and forth and what not, “winning” is just for the show and won’t impact how much money gets made for their charity so it doesn’t matter. Except then they get there and become overtaken by the need to Win and Be the Best and they are the best. So without needing to discuss changing the plan, as soon as the questions start they lock in and decide that actually they have to demolish everyone else
The other rivals are laughing and making jokes at the questions but Shane and Ilya are deadly serious and the host starts to get a little weirded out by the fact that they actually know the answers and aren’t just saying things like “how many goals last season? Probably one less than me haha” and actually have each others stats memorized
Because the audience is loving it they go to a lightning round that’s just Shane and Ilya and it’s now the usual couple game questions and they’re still getting them right because they can make excuses for knowing later, right now is about Winning
“What is Shane’s favorite breakfast?”
“Kale protein shake with a scoop of peanut butter and a handful of blueberries.”
“Ok um, what is Ilya’s favorite breakfast?”
“Two sausage egg McMuffins with an extra slice of cheese and hashbrowns.”
“What is something on Shane’s bucket list?”
“Sleeping in one of those see through igloos under the northern lights.”
“What is something on Ilya’s bucket list?”
“That thing where you feed giraffes at a zoo.”
“Ok last one. I think we all know Shane’s answer is former paramour Rose Landry, but who do you think is the most famous person Rozanov has ever slept with is?”
*through teeth gritted so tight he is in danger of chipping one* “Probably a model. Or something.”
“… Yeah, let’s go with that.”
Years later when they’re out Shane reshares the clip and the only non-PR approved thing he says on the matter is “It was me, by the way. I am the most famous person Rozanov has ever slept with.”
interviewer: ilya rozanov, do you have any comment on the alleged homophobic comments targeting you in today’s game?
ilya: if they could just put their minds off where i put my dick and into where i put the puck, maybe they would notice that it is going into the goal
interviewer: shane hollander, do you have any comment on your husband and captain’s rather coarse language?
shane: is he wrong?
RYAN GOSLING "I'm Just Ken" wins Best Original Song at the 29th Annual Critics' Choice Awards (January 14, 2024)
Can always tell when someone submissive follows me because suddenly my for you page is post after post about getting choked and crying and sucking dick and being bent over which is all fine and good but I’m neither submissive nor have a dick so I’m always like excuse me waiter I didn’t order this.
