Maddie, Music, and Miscellaneous Messes

Hello! I am a ball of chaos that even I don’t understand with more mental disorders than you can count on one hand.

[feral-asexual-possum]

I JUST GOT FUCKING GENDERED CORRECTLY BY A STRNAGER HOLY SHIT THIS LADY IN A PIRATE OUTFIT CALLED ME SIR AND I AM SO FUCKING EUPHORIC AAAEHDBDJYFFIUHEFDJEYF7ISHYEJDJYEFTD6YUEFQEFGSEHJHIVIDVUYFB

[transpolling]

not a poll, but if you are trans and you feel so inclined, reblog this post and tell me how you realized you were trans

[feral-asexual-possum]

i just figured out that she/her makes me feel like shit, and it spiraled from there

[maddiemusic-miscellaneousmesses]

Oh god here we go

So the first hint was in early preschool, so age 3 ish, and of course we’d get split up into groups between girls and boys because they were trying to get us to make friends. Obviously I ended up with a bunch of girls and felt like the odd one out the entire time, HEAVY imposter syndrome vibes, so when the teacher wasn’t looking I’d split off and go do the exact same activities with the boys, I felt welcome there (even though I was welcome with the girls but yk I went over that already) and we clicked INSTANTLY. In my 2nd year of preschool (couldn’t do kindergarten til age 5 and they said my social skills needed more work) I had the same teacher and she just let it happen.

I got into kindergarten and we got split up into those groups again, but this time we would do different activities (this was also the time I started learning to mask the autism and I think I thought the gender issue was just also autism), so I started to build up a completely fake personality. I was THE girly girl. I never dropped it. It went home with me, went to dance with me, went to the store with me, I. Absolutely. Never. Dropped. It. Once that had started to be perfected, I spent the rest of that year along with 1st-4th grade.

Summer going into 4th grade, there was another student sent over to my house because we were going to be in the same class we were both in the gifted program and neither of us had any friends. Me because all my energy went into that fake personality, and them because they never made one in the first place, so they were left out of everything. Neither of us wanted to be there, but we were nonetheless. We started to get along and have some fun with random stuff and we decided we’d continue to hang out because again, neither of us had any friends. I slowly but surely (early 4th grade ish to summer before 7th grade) started to deconstruct that mask because I didn’t need to belong with the others anymore, I belonged with them.

End of 4th grade comes around and they start talking about how they didn’t like how they looked and didn’t feel comfortable in their own skin, so they decided to start trying dressing in different aesthetics. After several months, it still wasn’t helping, so they googled it during indoor recess and came upon the aspect of different gender identities. They thought about it for a few days then told me they identified as nonbinary, and they loved it. Every part of them was happier and stronger than they were before.

I felt similarly the whole time but never said anything because I knew mimicking traits and behaviors of the people around you is something autistic people do a lot, and often without thinking about it. I found myself jealous of them ALL THE TIME. I would think about it falling asleep, when spacing out, when doing literally anything alone, so on and so forth.

6th grade starts and this weird feeling has only gotten worse and worse (by an extremely strong amount). The two of us had almost every class together that year, and we met even MORE people who had already started experimenting with their gender identities. I finally decided “okay this might be a problem”, so I started to do research of my own.

I went through a few over the next two years. Nonbinary, pangander, queergender, and probably a few other things I’m forgetting about. I never said anything but I addressed myself like this in my head for that year, then started to talk to my friends about it at the beginning of 7th grade. Later that year, I come upon the identity agender. I loved the idea of just not having a gender at all. Just a couple weeks in, I finally thought

Bingo.

I remember feeling that then realized “Wait a second, is THAT what I’ve been feeling SINCE PRESCHOOL?!?”

And it hasn’t changed since, so a solid 3 and a half years now.

[vampostingtime]

I think my flavor of bloodletting is that doc is not attracted to owen but does want to pursue a connection with him, while owen is attracted to doc but keeps driving him away on purpose

[vampostingtime]

so interesting to me that scott goldsmith and abolish veylocke, the two characters who I would consider having the least emotional investment in anything that happens in the story, are the two characters who walk away having "won" the series. they get what they want and leave.

[evanvison]

Apo and Owen comic

It's been a little over one year since I got into POW.

Thank you, Apo and Owen, for the lovely series and for allowing me to meet new creators I hadn't seen before.

I had fun testing some brushes with this, so that's cool.

[maddiemusic-miscellaneousmesses]

Day 8 of reblogging the first thing I see on my fyp

I’m not crying you’re crying

[jackdaw-sprite]

Thinking about how Doc didn't want Martyn to grow up to be like the nobles who gave him his orders.

Thinking about how, because of Doc, Martyn didn't.

:)

[grazzwyrm]

:(

[maddiemusic-miscellaneousmesses]

:)

[right-up-my-allie]

tiny tiny tiny little lamb in honour of the fairy ritual. i will be making the other victims of the ritual too #teehee

[whereispearlescentmoon]

Hear me out: Achilles Come Down with Vampires Legundo and Owen is the voice telling him to jump and Cleo is the voice telling him to come down

[maddiemusic-miscellaneousmesses]

WHAT IN THE FRIKIDIFLAPDEFROOPDEFLAPDAFLICKFLACKFRIPFRAPKNICKKNACKPATTYWHACK

(credit to @feral-asexual-possum [yes love ik I did it wrong and yes ik I’ve been hearing it for over two years, you just dating someone who’s an idiot when small])

YES PLEASE I NEED SOMEONE ANYONE IT CAN BE STICK FIGURES FOR ALL I CARE I JUST NEED THIS

also monster from epic for legs too bc like you can’t tell me that’s NOT v!legundo coded

[landmineblogging]

poly shipping is so much fun. you can take any ship & just throw another guy in there for a new flavor & dynamic. you can just throw another guy in there. just throw another guy in there. throw another guy in there. throw another guy in there. throw another guy in there

[ravmycupine]

A terrible misunderstanding....

[maddiemusic-miscellaneousmesses]

Day whatever it is I don’t care right now like I literally couldn’t care less of reblogging the first thing I see on my fyp

[what-even-is-thiss]

Look I am extremely pro therapy but sometimes finding a new therapist is a pain in the butt

[birdthena]

reblog to remind prev they're not a bother and their presence is wanted <3

[lunardelphox]

LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!!!

[maddiemusic-miscellaneousmesses]

Doing all of them at once because I have am NOT a patient person.

1 - idk it just happened at one point in my life and has been easily triggered since

2 - generally 3-8 give or take I think

3 - don’t have one but I very want one

4 - uhhhhhhh idk all I can come up with rn is skdjlfgskdkdgskfhdksj

5 - eh I have a few things

6 - I think yes (it started for the first time yesterday afternoon/evening and hasn’t gone away and it’s kinda nice to give in to but whether I give in or not this feels terrifying)

7 - fine motor skill abilities, filter, some interests, how I talk, probably some other things I’m forgetting and or can’t type rn

8 - coloring

9 - idfk i just found this prompt on like Pinterest or smth

10 - involuntary

11 - I don’t think so

12 - Yes

13 - goldfish and animal crackers (usually put with Caprisun or lemonade)

14 - small or not, I love them

15 - yes (read: mom, partner, 2 closest friends, youth director [he caught me on a really bad day ok plus he knew what it was already and picked it up instantly], 1 friend from church, and I don’t think there’s anyone else I mean there probably is and I’m just forgetting but wtv)

16 - kiddo (only from certain people then again I already only tolerate certain people when small)

17 - yelling/generally angry environments and often times storms/sudden loud noises

18 - I think so? (Unregressing, not so much)

19 - I like that we can trust each other usually

20 - yes

21 - yes but if you try me prepare to be attacked

22 - probably a stupid answer but v!louis from vampires smp

23 - led lights (can change colors and brightness), floor like the squishy blue play mats, mattress on floor in corner of room completely covered in squishmallows with a kinda bed frame that just goes a few inches above the top of the squishmallow layer with the frame drilled into the wall so it won’t do anywhere and I won’t lose stuff, blankets (both weighted and not weighted and also my heated blanket), other specific things that I don’t have the energy to type rn

24 - no not really

25 - trauma or smth I mean that’s what I’ve heard

26 - not usually

27 - I think but idk how to say them which makes them hard to establish

28 - that’s like asking for the definition of 4, ik but words just can’t

29 - Yes

30 - I don’t want to want to give in but I reallyyyyyyy want to anyway and I hate it but I also love it and also skdjlghskfsjflghd

[wszechmistrz]

Shout out to non-binary people who do want to be seen as a third gender.

Shout out to non-binary people who seek any form of androgyny.

Shout out to non-binary people who have a strong sense of gender and are not completely "opting out" of gender.

Shout out to non-binary people who do want to belong in a certain box and care about labels.

Shout out to non-binary people who care about being misgendered and are not gender-apathetic.

Shout out to non-binary people who consider themselves cis, or neither cis nor trans for any reason.

Shout out to non-binary people who consider themselves cis, or neither cis nor trans due to being intersex.

Shout out to non-binary people whose identity has a reason.

Shout out to ALL nonbinary people who are considered "stereotypical", get little positivity, and every time their identity is mentioned, it's to remind other people they don't have to be like them.

"Nonbinary is not a third gender" for some people it is. "Nonbinary people don't owe you androgyny" but we're allowed to desire it. "Being nonbinary is a rebellion against gender roles" if it is for you, cool. But my gender is not a political movement and not everyone feels comfortable with statements like this.

Bonus: shout out to all alloaces, aroallos, and non-SAM aspecs. 99% of all content under asexual or aromantic tags is just aroace stuff

[ivafakename]

YOUNG MAN!

There's no need to feel down,

I MEAN YOUNG THEY!

I forgot your pronoun,

[ivafakename]

Prev do you think it's okay to just go on other people's posts and be funnier than them?

[maddiemusic-miscellaneousmesses]

Bro my family has just been mutually silent for over an hour and I just cackled why must you do this to me

[filmnoirsbian]

I love getting unaccompanied minors (kids flying alone) who so clearly just. Don't want to be here lol. Sometimes I get to know a little of their story, like their parents are divorced, or a family member died and they're heading to the funeral, but usually they just don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I always treat the flight like it's a challenge to make them smile. I offer them snacks and soda but that's never enough, that's whatever, they could get those from an airport vending machine. Chump change. So then I tell the worst jokes. Just the most embarrassing, kindergarten teacher, annoying dad jokes you can think of. And those always get a groan, or a "Seriously??" And that's my in! Now I can say "Why, what's your idea of a good joke? No, come on hotshot, make your best joke, let's see it." And they hem and they haw but of course they eventually tell me their very best joke because kids are little competitive comedy goldmines. And it's always super funny, so I laugh, and that's where they slip up. Because you know what you almost always do when your joke successfully makes someone laugh? You smile. And I'm like. Gotcha. Rookie move. Now you're going to end up having a good time in spite of yourself. I win.

[filmnoirsbian]

Did this with an 11yo u.m. today and he said "What did the ghost say to the other ghost?" And I said "What?" "Nothing. Ghosts aren't real."

[filmnoirsbian]

I'm literally a flight attendant, offering snacks and drinks is my job

[this-is-a-name-dont-worry]

gshsjb

[maddiemusic-miscellaneousmesses]

Here have some random screenshots in my tablet that I think are kinda funny because I have nothing better to do✨

Half of its vampires SMP stuff but whatever

Also I don’t remember where all the ao3 notes came from but ik the longest one is from In The Kaleidoscope (shoutout @allsoulnocoal)