Peek Inside My Mind

Female ~ 21~ Avoidant Personality, Codependent Personality, Anxiety, Cyclothymic

[mindsetobservances]

Honestly, this tumblr has become such an escape for me. Where I can openly express myself without the fear and needed reassurance that comes with my anxiety, avoidant, and codependent disorders.

[mindsetobservances]

Hey guys, long time no post, because honestly, I wasn’t really in need of this space. Until yesterday, I cut my wrists again for the first time in a decade. After multiple failed attempts to communicate with my husband because we’re lacking connection and communication and the relationship is suffering because of it and it’s never an emotionally safe space for me, I had enough I couldn’t take it anymore and I drug a blade across my skin. I’m not proud of it. He saw the cuts, my family is getting me help. I’ve been distraught today, hes withdrawn. It’s not worth it, even for the moments it did help. I just want to be heard in my communications in trying to remedy our crumbling marriage. I feel alone

[mindsetobservances]

I’m the eldest daughter of a dysfunctional family out of a broken home. I was quickly placed into a caretaking role for my mother and younger brother. Over the past couple years I’ve don’t a lot of work on myself and am breaking out of the unfair responsibilities and expectations my family puts on me.

Today is my moms birthday. And I am three states away. My brother is home with her. I send her a message to say happy birthday and she responds telling me how she’s sick and in pain and my brother is struggling.

I am so fucking tired of holding all these people together. I

[mindsetobservances]

“You give off ‘don’t talk to me’ vibes”

Good. Don’t.

[mindsetobservances]

I don’t tell you about my mental health just so you can forget about it and not understand when I act the ways I do. If I’ve opened up to you about my traumas, that’s a very special thing and you should consider it as such.

[tittyinfinity]

So much of the neurodivergent experience is just being like "I KNOW but I can't DO"

[mindsetobservances]

Don’t move in with your in laws. Just don’t fucking do it. I thought I had a strong relationship with them and living with them and their routines and their rules had only negatively affected my relationship with my husband and them.

Also my mental health seems to affect those around me (and I’m not proud of that but it just is what it is right? Idk) but apparently I’m just a negative and angry person. Which I don’t really agree with from my perspective but I guess I’ve just been an unpleasant guest maybe? Idk but my husband and I had a fight and then we all had a big meeting and I just feel like an asshole bc I literally have no space of my own and I want to control everything as a trauma response and their place is messy and chaotic and it stresses me to the point of tears and I’m just seen as ungrateful, which I’m not bc I recognize and appreciate what they’ve done to help us but I’m not happy under their roof and feel stuck and out of control with no adequate areas of release. Not to mention they don’t really understand this whole mental health thing anyways and I just get told to be happy I’m not even seen as an adult whose been married and living on her own for the past 5 years. And they make comments on my marriage and how we’re spending our money etc and that crosses my line.

So.. it’s not working.

I think it might be time I go back to therapy. Probably

[unwelcome-ozian]

[safety-net-did]

The thing I just reblogged, and something I've seen a lot, says that folk who suffered parentification as childred are very emotionally mature.

I disagree.

Parentification made me very adept at noticing and reacting to other people's emotions.

Which is an important aspect of emotional maturity, but FAR from the whole picture.

Parentification also taught me to ignore and suppress my own emotions and responses to them.

Parentification prevented me from learning how to feel my emotions, how to name them, how to respond effectively to them.

Parentification taught me to be reactive to others emotions, to take them on as my own burden. It taught me to believe my interpretation of events over what others say about their feelings.

Parentification prevented me from becoming emotionally mature.

At my core parentification left me still a young child, unable to face anger and other volitle emotions with anything other than placation(in others) and self-loathing(in myself).

KEY parts of emotional maturity are knowing yourself and knowing when you need to respond to others.

Parentification prevents that learning.

In order to heal from parentification one has to develop emotional maturity. Has to unlearn enmeshment, has to self-parent appropriate responses to emotions, both others' and ones own.

Parentification stunted my development.

I became emotionally aware and mature in spite of it, not because of it.

[bostongrand]

Thing I actually said to myself as a child under the age of 10 because of being raised my emotionally immature parents:

I'm just going to surpress that and deal with the cancer later.

[cannibal-rainbow]

Reminders: you are allowed to be angry and sad with people when they hurt you, even if they are sensitive and can't cope well with being told they did something wrong. their sensitivity does not mean you have to bottle up your feelings in that situation. their lack of coping skills does not make you talking about your feelings abusive or bad.

[mindsetobservances]

I haven’t been posting online because honestly things have been going well for me. And I’m immensely grateful for that. But the past few days have been absolutely absurd.

Last month my mother booked plane tickets for me and my husband to come visit her and my brother to celebrate the holidays. The night before our flight departed I received a text that we had been delayed. I called her to let her know what was going on and to update her of our itinerary. In this conversation she discovered that my husband and I were not traveling with checked bags. (For context, she lives in a ski town) she had previously thought we were bringing our ski equipment, but my husband and I decided against it because it would have been an inconvenience for us, we were only going to be in town for a few days and hauling our gear didn’t seem worth it. After finding out we didn’t have our ski gear she began yelling at me over the phone. Just blowing up about how stupid we must be and why would she fly us out if we weren’t planning on skiing. (My husband and I care about just spending time around my family regardless if on snow or not).

I communicated with her that I did not want to be yelled at, patronized, talked down to etc. She continued to grow more agitated and lashing out saying some pretty terrible things. Becoming so nasty i feel comfortable calling it verbal and emotional abuse. She’s projecting onto me, thinking she can do no wrong and I’m the cause of all this. All I want to communicate is I don’t want to be treated poorly (and I admit I fired my own shots) she cannot comprehend my perspective, she feels I have disrespected and betrayed her bc I didn’t bring my skis. It’s so silly to me. I try and tell her how I’m feeling and share my position, she tries to turn me against my husband, she tells me I don’t know what I’m feeling, she gaslights me, she attempts to manipulate me, etc. It’s terrible, It’s been going on for hours, I’m in tears by the time my husband and I actually arrive at our destination. Not to mention we also had a layover and had to take a bus bc she abandoned us at the airport.

This morning she comes over to the family condo unannounced and I’m like I can’t just act like everything is fine. You’ve been so terrible to me and I don’t deserve that. I tell her everything again, I read out oud the messages she’s sent over the past 24 hours. She’s unable to take responsibility. She cant barely give a genuine apology. And I’m the one she blames, I am so hurt, so heartbroken. I see her now, perhaps I have been dealing with this for longer than I remember, it’s unfair, I’m angry. She genuinely believes that I’m at fault. That’s I’m selfish, that I aim to hurt her. All because I prefer to travel light. That I don’t care where we are but I just care about being with my family. And I’ve tried to communicate this, but she has put her pride above her family. She has prioritized feeling angry about over our decision instead of being grateful we’re just here.

I’m terribly sorry, I am sick. Unfortunately my brother has been dealing with this for a few years, we are with him now. I wanted a nice vacation, and instead I’m turned into a monster bc I didn’t want to inconvenience myself. She could have communicated that we should bring our skis. And things would have been different

I believe she is emotionally immature. If you have read to the bottom I thank you. I feel I can no longer continue, but I may rant more later. If you are able to offer any support or advice I would appreciate it. We’ll see how things continue to develop over the weekend…

[maternalscars]

Traumatic events can affect children’s moods and their ability to regulate their emotions. Kids who have been traumatized often get upset easily and have trouble calming down.

[mindsetobservances]

IMPORTANT ALTERNATIVES To SH

Schoolwork

Journal

Deep breathing

Sticker everything or bandaid everything

Nail oil

Braid hair

Paint toenails

Masturbate

Fake tattoos or henna tattoos

Eat something nice

Something crafty

Bake, make hot cocoa

Tear up paper

Exercise

Water plants

Self tanners

Take a shower or bath

Cut up fruit, cook a meal

wax legs

Hold ice or hands under cold water

Smell ammonia

Use icy hot on where you want to cut

Oragami

Coloring book/bullet journal

Instead of punishing by SH, punish my not SH

Change scenery

Put butterfly or name where you want to SH

SOME NOTES ABOUT SH

Desire for control

Impulse feeing, it will only last for a period of time.

[mindsetobservances]

Hey guys.

So I have some really sad news… within the past like 10 days maybe my little brother had made an attempt on his life and then just today he was making another threat so finally my family had him admitted to the hospital.

Um so this has been really hard on me and I almost feel like I’ve been grieving. And Like and I can’t imagine the trauma that he went through bc I know he didn’t want to go but it was time for him to get serious help and be on meds. And it was just a really bad situation getting him there and him acting out the past week.

So like please if you have been in this situation as the suicidal one or the sibling I would really appreciate any words of wisdom or your experience dealing with this or how I could help him please let me know. And please send him your well wishes and prayers. I appreciate all of you. Remember that you are loved ;

[mindsetobservances]

I know what I need to do to take care of my body physically, I just don’t care about myself enough to do it.

[mindsetobservances]

STRESSY DEPRESSY