Welcome to. t. twisted

an adult

[json-derulo]

for sale: Baby Shoes Stylish Infant Boy Girl Unisex First Walker Shoes Toddler Walking Crib Shoes Lightweight Non-Slip Sneakers For 6 9 12 18 24 Months Baby Shoes New With Tags New In Box Excellent Condition Never Worn

[27thfirefly]

nurse: doctor... the patient is flatlining... we dont have nearly enough yuri to sustain them!

doctor: tch... i guess theres no choice...!!

*doctor pulls in nurse for a tender embrace and a beat passes before they kiss passionately*

*pulse starts again*

nurse: i cant believe it...! doctor youve saved yet another patient through your unorthodox methods!

doctor, looking out the window to avoid the nurse's adoring gaze: suppose i have...

doctor, thinking: sigh... will i ever get to approach her not out of obligation but out of ...love...;!

nurse, thinking: i hope she doesnt realize ive been manufacturing the yuri shortage to engineer these kinds of scenarios

moral of the story: the doctor was a woman

[doveywovy]

no matter how hard i try, nothing i write will ever be as fucked up as the stuff somebody who thinks they're creating a Wholesome AU with unexamined beliefs will make.

[jerboaoa]

couldn't leave this in the tags

[huffylemon]

[triviallytrue]

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

[friendshapedhole]

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

[triviallytrue]

Well unless the mall is his native territory I think I'm fine, I wasn't planning on smiling at him

[max1461]

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

[triviallytrue]

Misguided! I would much rather have a mallmate I can easily see and hear coming. I'm confident I can stay out of the gorilla's way, but if I step on a snake or one otherwise gets the jump on me, it's all over.

It's not just about the physical danger either, it's about my mental health. One gorilla, unless he's actively mad at me, I just keep a healthy distance between us and make sure I never get trapped. With the snakes, it requires a lot more constant vigilance

[ghostpalmtechnique]

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

[triviallytrue]

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

[notwiselybuttoowell]

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

[nightingalesoul]

this is too good to leave hidden in the replies

[bermuda-n-drangle]

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

[aromanticduck]

Free service with ads: Well, if I'm not paying for it they have to foot the bill somehow.

Paid service with no ads: Well, if they're not funding it with ad revenue, they need to charge us something.

Paid service with ads: Well that's bullshit.

"We used to be a paid service without ads, but now we're putting ads in it! If you want the ad-free version you have to pay more for preeeeemium": Fuck you fuck you fuck you

[filmnoirsbian]

I love getting unaccompanied minors (kids flying alone) who so clearly just. Don't want to be here lol. Sometimes I get to know a little of their story, like their parents are divorced, or a family member died and they're heading to the funeral, but usually they just don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I always treat the flight like it's a challenge to make them smile. I offer them snacks and soda but that's never enough, that's whatever, they could get those from an airport vending machine. Chump change. So then I tell the worst jokes. Just the most embarrassing, kindergarten teacher, annoying dad jokes you can think of. And those always get a groan, or a "Seriously??" And that's my in! Now I can say "Why, what's your idea of a good joke? No, come on hotshot, make your best joke, let's see it." And they hem and they haw but of course they eventually tell me their very best joke because kids are little competitive comedy goldmines. And it's always super funny, so I laugh, and that's where they slip up. Because you know what you almost always do when your joke successfully makes someone laugh? You smile. And I'm like. Gotcha. Rookie move. Now you're going to end up having a good time in spite of yourself. I win.

[filmnoirsbian]

Did this with an 11yo u.m. today and he said "What did the ghost say to the other ghost?" And I said "What?" "Nothing. Ghosts aren't real."

[filmnoirsbian]

I'm literally a flight attendant, offering snacks and drinks is my job

[this-is-a-name-dont-worry]

gshsjb

[sentimentalslut]

trying to explain to tumblr that the Middle Class in not their enemy

[sentimentalslut]

saw someone say that someone complaining about only having 7k in savings makes them contemplate “doing something bad”

you know that 7k covers like. one hospital visit WITH insurance, right?

[sentimentalslut]

“people who make six figures shouldn’t be allowed to complain —“ most people who make six figures are, these days, solidly middle class. where i live, a combined household income of $110k is *lower middle class*.

“people who can afford homes —“ are typically 400-600k in debt for them. also if “can own your own home” is your threshold for the rich you are contemplating eating, i think you are genuinely stupid

“boohoo your investments dropped, stop complaining rich boy” idk how to tell you this but. most of us have a retirement account. you should probably open one

[dirt-mann]

[tiktoksformyfriends]

[video by tommcgovern27. original caption: this one's going out to anyone living in a studio apartment rn]

[thetomska]

haha pretty cool song shame it doesn't have a keyboard solo that fucks super har-

[mortimermcmirestinks]

thank you for showing this to me, famous youtuber and comedy icon TomSka

[ralfmaximus]

"While I was trying to photograph the Northern Lights in the wee hours of the morning, my cat decided to photobomb the picture. Since I had the camera’s shutter speed maxed out, it ended up leaving a sort of ghostly image of my cat in the photo."

Photographer: Kristie Kohn

[naamahdarling]

Oh WOW what a lovely portrait!

[colonthreedotexe]

if you’re a certain level of tall as a trans woman people will start acting like they genuinely believe it’s ok to treat you like transmisogynistic futa porn is real life and you’re the futa

[colonthreedotexe]

this sounds like an exaggeration but literally i will mention that i'm 10cm taller than someone as a joke about how i can reach a taller shelf at the grocery store or something and the immediate response will almost always be "omg you're tall can you step on me" and i'm being fully serious. i hate it. believe it or not those extra 10cm don't make me want to have sex with every person who is shorter than me and also they don't make me a dom or a top.

has anyone considered that maybe this is sexual harassment? has anyone considered that maybe being taller than you doesn't mean i'm going to act like a futa from porn? has anyone considered that the trans woman might have some dysphoria surrounding height or pressure to be sexually dominant?

[ray-okumura]

[theunfairfolk]

my little cousin confidently declared that mother nature had a counterpart named daddy electric and i feel like this concept needs to be explored

[chassdraws]

Daddy Electric and Mother Nature sounds like a cute 70s act

[willpowers]

white usamericans when asked how they're doing, will never say "bad". they'll just say "I'm hanging in there" and that is universally understood as them being so so bad. like. no american is happily hanging in there. we don't like the hang.

[ankle-beez]

sheep detectives is finally out on digital which means i can show you guys one of the funniest movie scenes of the year so far

[seracadash]

(goverment voice) we need to protect the children from pornography so our plan is to remove their eyes so they would never see something so traumatic. if you are against removing children's eyes you are basically a pedophile

[kuttithevangu]

The thing I dislike about alt histories where real life monarchs have been made both gay and unproblematic is that it seems to imply that gay monarchs have not existed in history but if they did they would be cool. Which isn’t true. They have existed and they were just as bad as straight people. And I think it is disrespectful to real queer history to pretend that queer people have never been absolute bastards

[kibumkim]

White tumblr racism is far more insidious than like out and proud racism cause why are you using your autism as an excuse to not view black people as equal to you

[kibumkim]

There will be a post like "stop being racist to black people in fandom spaces" and then some white bitch will be in the comments talking about how theyre neurodivergent like literally who asked