Audrey 🫡

She/her • 20 • Lesbian

[1410-1221-dec2008]

[daphnedumauriwhore-deactivated2]

merry ides of march

[gaynehollander]

Okay, bear with me

Shane accidentally lets it slip to Hayden that he's the bottom and Hayden, being an idiot, takes it upon himself to talk to Ilya about how unfair that is and that he should definitely be letting Shane top too. Hayden's bumbling and blushing throughout this entire conversation and Ilya is just sitting there going, "hm, oh, yeah, you think so?" It's a little funny seeing Pike so awkward but it's also fucking infuriating how little he thinks of Ilya. As if he would be forcing Shane to do anything he didn't enthusiastically consent to. So when Shane comes back over, Ilya turns to him and goes, "I was thinking I'd let you top tonight." Now, he's fully aware of how this conversation will go and very conscious of how uncomfortable it will make Pike to have it in front of him but, honestly, he doesn't give a shit - he brought it upon himself by sticking his nose where it absolutely does not belong.

Shane's smile immediately drops and is replaced by a confused little frown. "What?" he asks, his voice barely audible.

"I would like you to top me," Ilya says plainly.

"No, you wouldn't," Shane says back with absolute certainty.

Ilya can see in every rigidly drawn line of his figure how deeply uncomfortable Shane is with the idea but he already knew that and isn't the one who needs to see it. So, since Pike is a proven idiot and may be completely unable to grasp non-verbal communication, he pushes a bit further. "I think it would be good for us if we started taking turns."

He can see Shane wavering, his instinctive desire to give into any request Ilya makes warring with his genuine distaste for the idea of topping. Ilya's resolve completely breaks when Shane says in a timid voice, "please don't make me do that."

He's immediately on his feet, hugging Shane to his chest, reassuring him that of course he would never "make" Shane do anything he didn't want to, promising him that he didn't mean it, that he shouldn't have said it, that he had just been proving a point to Hayden because he had told Ilya that he was being unfair to Shane by never "letting" him top.

And then Ilya gets to delight in Shane getting genuinely angry at Pike for once and, though he's still sorry for having upset him, it is pretty fucking great to see Pike's baffled fear at this side of Shane he's never seen before and he'd be lying if he said it didn't feel good to hear him profusely apologising to both of them for having presumed he had any right to start flinging out accusations about something he so clearly doesn't understand.

[bambicoded]

it's important to me that ilya remains captain of the centaurs after shane joins, but i have a specific picture in my mind of shane being assistant captain and being generally harmless and super chill , so the centaurs see him as like the chill parent (something to be said about shane being content in letting someone else, specifically His Someone, have the reins and enjoying not being in charge) but then ilya has to be out for a few weeks for like health or smth so shane goes into Captain Mode and the centaurs are scared shitless by how intense he gets all of a sudden. the most intense drills of all time. the hardest plays they've ever heard of. the strictest practices on earth. and they suddenly understand why shane led the metros/voyagers to victory so many times and why ilya treats him like the boss in their relationship. and then as soon as ilya comes back he turns it off and the centaurs are like Oh Thank Fuck Because What The Hell Was That

[unlikelychildchaos]

My headcanon of the day is that Ilya is not used to getting calls from family members unless they need something from him. Nobody ever calls him (maybe apart from Shane) to just simply check up on him. So the first time David calls him on a random day of the week, asks him about his day, hands the phone to Yuna to do the same—Ilya is a little confused as to why these people are just randomly calling him. He even texts David after they've hung up to confirm if they needed something and have just forgotten to mention it. When David texts back "no son we just wanted to check up on you" Ilya sits and stares at that text until he feels his throat close up and there's an odd sting in his eyes.

[kosmogrl]

there’s something very beautiful about being able to try again tomorrow

[gffa]

I desperately need more fics that focus on people's surprise that Shane Hollander, Mr. Polite Canadian with his Media Perfect Smile and Practiced Bland Answers and Good Sportsmanship and Sweetheart "Let's Go!" Cheer when he beat Scott and Ilya's time at All-Stars, to realize that the real Shane's vocabulary is literally 30% the word "fuck". "Fuck you", "fuck off", "you fucking moron", "I fucking hate you", "this fucking guy", "go fuck yourself", "are you fucking kidding me", "I will fucking kill you, motherfucker", "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" are all things he will say within 45 minutes of showing up to practice. I need more fics of everyone being a little shellshocked about just how much Shane Hollander swears and meanwhile Ilya is just laughing in the background because he told people Shane swore like a sailor and nobody believed him until now.

[shadow-banned-the-hedgehog]

[mlembug]

"the average income in <X> is <Y> of <currency>" cool, what's the median

[unyielding-pussy]

Average isn't useful here. however, after a little bit of research, apparently the median income in the US is $24,327, which means the reality is actually much worse than this meme makes it seem. yay!

[asteroidtroglodyte]

[wirelessmousegirl]

According to time magazine, median annual rent is $13,896, which means rent alone is 57% Of the median annual income, awesome!

[isuggestrevolution]

i have a suggestion

[beibeiiscute]

forcefemming capitalism won't help.

[bluehairedboyfriend]

Post Hollander - Rozanov marriage and the Ottawa Centaurs are unstoppable then, it's All-Stars and the NHL decide to put Ilya and Shane on separate teams and they both go back to shit-talking the other in interviews and playing up the rivalry and in the game they go all out, scoring goals against each other and chirping the other to relieve the good old days and then everyone realises that it has been foreplay for them the whole time

[swoopyswish]

Human Rivalry

[urie]

[notahungrywish]

I think to Shane, as someone raised to be a good polite Canadian assumed-straight boy, being a good partner has been drilled into him as like. Opening doors, fixing stuff around the house, carrying bags, making sure the car has snow tires on, etc. Which I think Ilya would mostly be into. He certainly isn’t going to chop wood or fix a sink.

I know a lot less about what Ilya would have been taught but we can see his whole thing about taking care of his family financially and we also see him knee-jerk physically defend Svetlana. So I think it’s interesting to also see him be into defending Shane physically on the ice (to an extent, obviously he doesn’t play defense) and I imagine he’s baffling and amusing Shane by insisting on buying him anything Shane will let him despite Shane also being loaded. He also obviously takes being a good top seriously in a way I imagine scratches that itch.

And I think their different cultural backgrounds would mean they can escape gender roles even harder maybe. Less fighting over who wants to do what because there’s some core differences so maybe they both get to feel like they’re filling that role.

Someone who understands Russian culture should probably say more here because I’m dumb and uninformed.

[ivy-masonry]

Okay! Russian here. Responsibility is a man's job in a traditional relationship, especially financial. A Real Man takes care of everything so their partner doesn't have to. Ilya learns that not taking care of certain things can feel pretty damn good. Shane finds comfort in taking control, being raised by Yuna Hollander.

• They fight for who gets to pay, at first. Ilya is stubborn about it. Most of the time Ilya already took care of it before Shane realizes it. But then Shane learns about all the financial manipulations of Ilya's family and the competitive part turns into a reassuring gaze, a warm hand on Ilya's own, and a soft "Heeey. Hey. I got you." Ilya never stood a chance against those eyes. His throat hurts when he says "Okay". Something lets go.

• As Ilya lets Shane pay for things more often, it becomes increasingly more hot to him. What do you mean you'll "take care of it"? Ilya has never heard this phrase being said to him in his life. Sometimes Shane is so casual and smooth about it Ilya gets so horny he blacks out

• Don't get me wrong, Ilya is the kind of man that will learn what Shane's special interests or specific preferences are and run with it. Shane found a new favorite restaraunt? Ilya arranges the chef to come over to their house and cook just for the two of them. Shane mentions he likes his new hoodie? Ilya buys it in every color for him. But! At this point, most of the time he doesn't even think of bringing his wallet with him if it's groceries or other domestic shopping. His Husband is happy with being the responsible adult with a grocery list, smiling as the Scary Russian throws random stuff he likes into the cart. Ilya left his phone at home because why would he care if he can just use Shane's? He's just happy to be there, letting His Husband do His Husband's thing

[notahungrywish]

This is such a good addition THANK YOU. Love the idea of Ilya getting comfy with and emotional about Shane taking care of him.

But I also like to think then that early on he’s trying to buy Shane jewelry and clothes and maybe a car and is so frustrated that Shane’s fundamentally not interested and won’t let Ilya spoil him.

I’m picturing him calling Svetlana for advice and she’s nodding along like “no you are definitely supposed to buy your lover these things. Have you tried buying him watches maybe?” She shows off some nice ass shoes and bags Ilya has bought her over the years as presents next time they all meet up just so Shane will get jealous enough to let him buy him some shit and she’ll stop getting huffy phone calls.

Shane who has never given a single shit about monetary items fundamentally confused about why his husband is so desperate to buy him pretty fancy shit but going along with it just to make him happy. And then maybe doing the same back eventually and making Ilya have a LOT of feelings

[escapepodding]

I choose to believe Shane bought the sex condo purely out of fear of being caught gay fucking his rival and being young, dumb and rich enough to think that was a good and proportional response to the situation and potential threat. It was only after having to learn enough about real estate investment to justify this to his financial advisor and choosing the property that he realised he actually did have strong takes on location and architecture, and his fun little millionaire hobby was born

[unavailabletozombies]

Shane: Sit down, i'm gonna torture you now

Ilya, smirking: Kinky.

Shane: I think you're sweet and beautiful.

Ilya: What-

Shane: You deserve to be cared for.

Ilya: Stop, now-

Shane: Your feelings are valid and deserve to be heard.

Ilya: I NEED A SAFE WORD!!!

[lavenderprose]

As a married person I do need to tell you all that Shane and Ilya do weird shit all the time.

They routinely have entire conversations where Ilya is very softly smacking Shane's foot the entire time. Shane enjoys the percussive feedback.

Ilya mispronounces the word "Application" and they just sit there mutually whispering 'Aaap-li-caaa-shun' at each other for the next thirty seconds.

Ilya comes up behind Shane while he's trying to make a smoothie and says 'HELPING HANDS' and puts his arms under Shane's armpits.

Ilya sees Shane undressing in the bathroom and yells, "Take it all off!"

Shane carries Anya into the bedroom and holds her over Ilya's chest and moves her paws and says, "Papa it is me. Papa it has been an whole hour since I ate. Papa I am so hungry and sad." then drops her on his stomach.

Shane comes into the home office and grabs a pen off the desk and puts it against Ilya's cheek and says, "Any last words?" and Ilya says, "I wish I had eaten more dumplings."

Ilya spends an entire episode of House Hunters International with his hand down Shane's pants. It's not doing anything in there either it's just keeping warm.

Sometimes they are just mutually awake at three AM for No Reason and they go stand on the porch and stare at the empty street together.

Sometimes they are laying there playing footsie on the couch while on their phones (Parallel play) and Shane says, "Does your mouth ever do that squeezing thing. You know. When you eat." And Ilya says "Explain" and they spend the next ten minutes dissecting whether this is a Human Experience or a Shane Experience.

Sometimes Ilya will put his head on Shane's stomach and say, "Show me your boooones" and wait for Shane to lift his shirt so he can burrow under it.

I just think that we as a fandom need to embrace how Weird married people get about each other. From personal experience I am telling you it is SO FUN.

[upstairsatels]

was about to fall asleep and then hit me that when ilya first meets shane his mother's death was only FIVE years earlier which is. basically nothing but also SO much time to be fending for yourself and growing up too fast and everyone expecting too much of you and you're only 17 but. then there's this canadian boy with freckles who tells you not to smoke and shakes your hand twice and looks at you like you're more than a hockey player and for the first time in five years you think maybe that's true. i'm gonna be sick.

[offonaherosjourney]

And what if Shane Hollander had told Ilya Rozanov during that phone call to say everything he was feeling in Russian even though he wouldn't understand it, except several minutes later he hears Ilya confessing he loves him and Shane understands that because he knew he was in love with Ilya and had looked up how to say "I love you" in Russian hoping that one day he'd be brave enough to say the words. Shane hadn't meant to lie, he just hadn't expected that part of Ilya's feelings would include the only three words of Russian he knows

[escapepodding]

But what if the Centaurs worked out Ilya Heart Eyes Rozanov had moved countries, joined a worse team and started a charity with Shane because he was in love with him, but didn't realise they were in an actual romantic relationship.

Think of the shenanigans as they tried to get them together. Ilya might think it was a little bit sweet but he would also be humiliated because he is down bad but it's mutual! The pity would have him punching walls.

Shane has no idea whats going on but its weird he keeps getting locked in rooms with Ilya whenever he visits. Are they being bullied? He begins carrying screwdrivers on him to get them out of all the places they find themselves locked in.

[shoutitallout]

Carrying a screwdriver?? Shane would learn how to lock pick!! After the second time it happened he'd spend a weekend watching how-to YouTube videos and practicing in various places (both at his own and at the Bell Center with Hayden there just in case he can't get himself out).

And then he'd realize he can't count on there being something he can use to get himself out of wherever they've been locked in so THEN he'd learn how to do it with a Bobby pin. He'd even start using Bobby pins for the express purpose to lockpick himself out of closets.

[escapepodding]

I'm crying what does HAYDEN think is happening in this situation?? The Centaurs think Ilya has upturned his entire life on a down bad crush and they're trying to matchmake, I've been informed JJ canonically is trying to find Shane a man to help him get over his pathetic one sided crush on Ilya, no one knows what's happening. I assume Hayden thinks Shane is turning to a life of crime and prepping for a heist, or planning his ultimate payback if the Metros don't behave better.

Just awkwardly standing there as Shane locks himself in a room like "I'm here for you bud, whatever you need" while resigning himself to being a getaway driver or something.