eddie is back in LA, and there's this itch of guilt scratching up the back of his throat...actually, less of an itch and more like a forest fire. it's on a rampage, nearly finds its way out, is trying to destroy him. so. y'know. he goes to confession.
if eddie a year ago heard himself say he was going to confession to absolve his guilt, he would have laughed right in his own face. but, this isn't a year ago, and this isn't just any confessional. because on the other side of the screen, is someone familiar, comforting. eddie sits, the wood bench creaking, and he exhales, slow, deliberate.
"bless me father, for i have sinned. it has been five months since my last confession"
and father brian, ever personable, one to buck convention, says eddie's name with something behind it like relief.
"did you find some joy, in these last five months."
and eddie huffs, doesn't even know where to begin.
"i danced. that night after our conversation. i danced in the living room, full on risky business style." it makes him happy to think of that night. the freedom he had felt, at least for one night. "i've been living in texas, too. my son moved in with me, turns out he'd been waiting for me."
"i'm happy to hear that, eddie."
eddie purses his lips, feels the tears welling up in his eyes, suddenly and unabated.
eddie hears a sharp intake of breath.
"bobby was uh. trapped with the rest of the 118 and he. he sacrificed himself.
i can't. i can't reconcile the fact that i wasn't there to save him. i wasn't there to help my team. the guilt, father, is crushing me, almost as heavy as the grief."
eddie lets himself pause, lets himself feel it all, lets the waves crash over him and drown him. and then he hears it, at the surface, a small sniffle.
and it brings him back up, suddenly alert.
"i- i didn't know. i didnt know bobby had passed away."
and eddie's stomach drops to his feet. he's up scrambling, certain he's breaking a sacred catholic tradition, but that doesn't matter. he needs to comfort the priest. needs to be there for someone even if he couldn't be there for his team.
so he pushes his way into the father's side of the confessional and in the tiny space, leans down and envelops the priest in his arms. father brian clings to him, his body wracking with sobs.
"i helped him see that this life was worth living, we worked through it all, we were good friends. he. he was supposed to stick around, supposed to have a second chance."
"he did, father, he did. he saved so many people, he saved his team. his family. he lived a wonderful life."
finally eddie pulls back to look at the other man in the dark oak lighting of the booth. his breathing has evened, no wracking sobs barreling through his body.
"i'm so sorry, eddie, that was-"
eddie brings a hand to the father's cheek, wipes a tear from under his eye, "no, no. i needed that, i think. to be there for someone, to offer comfort in a way that's familiar to me."
eddie's hand is covered then, by the priests, holding it to his cheek, and eddie feels his own cheeks getting hot. he slips his hand away, suddenly all too aware that he's on his knees in front of him.
he bows his head, and sits back on his heels. "so that pretty much covers the our father's and the hail mary's, right? hugging a priest?"
father brian lets out a stilted laugh, like he's surprised by it. eddie laughs too, feels himself smile for the first time in days.
"i'd say so. unless there's anything else you'd like to confess?"
and eddie feels it, feels a second wave of guilt crawling up his throat, and he thinks of his position now, of his burning cheeks, of the way his reunion with buck felt like the final piece of the puzzle, or a nail in the coffin, and he says "i'm gay."
and, because he needs to know, he looks up at the father. he has a knowing smile on his face. says "and i'm still celibate."
eddie grins, "you were flirting with me that day though. weren't you?"
"you shaved the mustache. i thought it looked good."
and eddie shakes his head at how ridiculous this is, and amidst the grief and the guilt and the pain, he can feel a little light flick on in his chest.
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