I’m so fucking tired of being a good enough student that I am not seen as needing help, but at the same time knowing that I’m not turning in things that showcase my full potential, because of said lack of help. But here’s the kicker, even at times when I am having just as much trouble as some other students are, I’m still not seen as needing help. Like, I have two English teachers in my English class and recently we were working on a research project, I didn’t turn mine in yet and the deadline was two weeks ago; my English teachers have literally talked to every other student who hasn’t turned in their paper, on multiple occasions, but me. Like it’s not just my mental health struggles that impact my ability to learn, that are being ignored, all my problems are. They are constantly calling on me in group discussions, and relying on me to have the right answer and keep the discussion going, but they pretty much ignore me any other time. Looking back, most of my life it has been like this. Like, if someone who has been tested for the gifted program at age 9 is suddenly failing fifth grade at age 11, normally that signifies a problem. I remember in sixth grade, at parent teacher conferences, my teachers told my parents that they noticed that my spelling was really bad and I seemed to have a lot of trouble with writing, whether it be organizing paragraphs, coming up with the right words, or even writing my name using the appropriate pencil grip, but despite all that, I’m still have one of the highest, if not the highest reading level in the whole class. They didn’t suggest any reason for why they think that might be, and my parents didn’t seem to really care. I’m only bringing this up, because today my science teacher was talking to another teacher, about this other teacher’s son and how he is having trouble in school. He is in fifth grade and is pretty much experiencing the same things I did. His mother noticed, his teachers noticed, and they all want to help him. So how is it fair that I was born into a world where I will be ignored by everybody in anyway that it matters, while he gets help and support as soon as any issues begin to show themselves. How is it fair that throughout my entire life, my issues that are the exact same as my some of my classmates, the ones that are all being helped and assisted; how is it fair that I have to suffer in silence, that I have to get over it, or get used to it, while they are all being doted on. I’m tired of this shit, and I’m just tired in general.
I am sure that something that a lot of people think while reading this is, “then tell them you need some help”, but here’s the thing, any time in the past that I have gone to somebody for help, they either in some way shape or form, tell me to get over it, or give me help in the most useless and half assed way. So I am very hesitant to ask for help again.
