Obsessive Compulsive Regret

He/Him OCD, DID, CPTSD, Autism, and possibly Bipolar Just a blog to talk about my experiences.

[regretfulrain]

Hello

You can call me Rain, I use he/him/his pronouns, I am a gay trans man who has OCD, DID, CPTSD, Autism, and possibly Bipolar. I am also physically disabled.

My OCD themes tend to revolve around real events, zoophilia, pedophilia, incest, health, faking, and more.

I run an OCD support blog: @ocd-discovery

[regretfulrain]

OCD is One of the Scariest Conditions I Can Think Of.

Even as far as I've come I feel ashamed to talk about certain intrusive thoughts since I worry that people will see me as something disgusting, I've had it happen in the past where someone thought I was a pedophile because I opened up about my POCD and fear of pedophilia. It still has me shaken up all these years later even after she apologized.

I worry talking about my OCD to the point that I use VPNs and incognito in order to search up OCD topics. I worry constantly about my friends suddenly posting about me and trying to say my intrusive thoughts are hidden desires.

I reassurance seek constantly to the point I annoy others but I can't help it a lot of the time. I need to make sure they don't see me as a monster.

An added layer to it is my trauma, I fear turning into my abusers often. I fear that I'll lose control and assault someone, I fear that I have and just don't remember it. It's a terrifying way to live.

OCD is genuinely so scary just because of the intrusive thoughts but then in come compulsions. I have to make sure numbers go up by fives, I have to be sure my door is locked, I have to scrub my hands if I feel gross, I have to google reassurance, I have to check myself to make sure I didn't do something horrible. I have to do these things or something bad will happen.

[regretfulrain]

OCD In Times of Horrors

When you open tiktok, tumblr, twitter, instagram, or any other social media you most likely see what is going on in the world. There are genocides happening in Palestine, Congo, Sudan, Yemen, and more. There are laws against queer people, people of color, and people with uteruses being passed a lot.

This can be a lot to hear about for anybody but when you have OCD and consistently see posts saying "Spread this or you are a bad person" you begin to feel even worse. You begin to question "Am I contributing to the atrocities happening in the world? Am I killing innocent people by scrolling past this?"

It's a tricky subject, we should all be doing what we can to help with what is happening in the world but if you stress yourself out like that then you'll be unable to do anything.

My suggestion is to remember you are doing what you can by speaking up, by donating what you can, by signing petitions, and by amplifying the voices of those affected. You know your values, your morals, your heart.

While it's good to do all these things, you can also take breaks. We are stronger when we are in a good place mentally. Seeing crimes against humanity can take a serious toll on your mental health and sometimes you need to focus on yourself so you can help others in the future.

[a-christmas-fruitcake]

HEY!!! YOU!!!!

YOU, WITH THE WEIRD INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS YOU HAVE TO KEEP BOTTLED UP BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT BE CONCERNED FOR OR AFRAID OF YOU

I FUCKING BELIEVE IN YOU AND WE'RE GONNA GET THROUGH THIS ALRIGHT

[sunderingstars]

ocd is literally just having a guy in your head that torments you with false prophecies & visions

[regretfulrain]

My ROCD when I tell a friend or family member I love them or use a heart emoji

[beetlesayz]

False Memory (OCD)

[eatingjewels]

Ahhhhhh. OCD is so fucking confusing. I cant tell if I'm experiencing false memory ocd or making excuses for myself. I literally cant remember events from my teenage years which makes me think I must have done something bad that I can't remember?? I know I should talk to my therapist about it but she really doesn't know a lot about ocd and I worry she won't understand. Anyone with OCD always feel free to ask or message me.

[disabled-sysboxes]

[TEXT ID: this system has real event OCD]

[IMG ID: a teal rectangular box with the ocd flag - a flag with 4 stripes, teal, white, light yellow, orange - with an icon of a head with a swirl in it to the left, with the text 'this system has real event OCD' on the right.]

[TEXT ID: this system has real event OCD]

[IMG ID: a teal rectangular box with the ocd flag - a flag with 4 stripes, teal, white, light yellow, orange - to the left, with the text 'this system has real event OCD' on the right.]

–

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(Reblogs can be private)

[alventodelmiocuore-deactivated2]

No guys I actually did a poll and turns out I am the most despicable person with OCD. Worse than all of you. Yeah turns out my Real Event and my intrusive thoughts are in fact worse than everybody else's. I checked the stats guys :( also got a letter in the mail from the Ministry of People Who Suck. I am like the Chairman or something now. Yeah guys its tough.

[dear-angel-lacy]

real event ocd be like:

[regretfulrain]

COCSA and REOCD/FMOCD

Warning: This post contains graphic mentions of COCSA, Trauma, Self harm, and Abuse. Please read at your own risk.

At around the ages 7-9 I was in a relationship with a girl my same age, I'll call her Malissa. I don't remember a lot about our relationship since I was so young and have a dissociative disorder that causes severe amnesia. All I can remember is her showing me porn, touching me, biting me, hitting me, embarrassing me in public, killing a baby rabbit in front of my friend, and teaching me about incest so we could Live-Action Roleplay (LARP) it.

I vaguely know that before meeting her I was sexually abused, I don't know the extent of it or what happened but I still feel the trauma from it. She convinced me a lot of these things were okay since she had been through it too.

I do remember initiating at times, doing things with her "consensually" (we were both children so neither of us could actually consent.) but it still left me feeling gross and afraid. I didn't have the words to tell my parents and I didn't want to get in trouble for what we were doing. So it wasn't until a while after her and I broke up that I talked about it.

When we first broke up I had nothing. She had convinced me my other friends were toxic and I pushed them away so I could be with her more. I had a mental breakdown at the age of 9 because of this, it landed me in an outpatient program for behavioral health. I tried for a while to "win her back" but to no avail. She was done with me.

Melissa and I haven't spoken since, the only other time I saw her was in High School when I accidentally befriended one of her friends. I told her friend what happened and when the friend confronted her she threatened to kill herself.

I was a young child and so was she. The issue with COCSA is on one hand you want to be mad at the person who did it to you but you also feel bad for them since you know they were sexually abused as well and just doing what they thought was normal.

My REOCD and FMOCD latches onto this like a leech to the skin. It feeds off my amnesia and trauma and I wonder what if I abused her too? What if I was inappropriate with other kids because I thought it was normal?

A while after dating Melissa I dated a new girl, Lindsey. Who I get memories about too. I don't remember if I forced her to date me, I know she was a very upfront girl who didn't hide her emotions but what if she felt threatened to be with me? I didn't know what healthy boundaries were, I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like. At one point I even carved her name into my thigh thinking that's a proper way to show love.

Her and I broke up later on good terms (she was a lesbian and I came out as a transgender man) and talked for a bit after but slowly drifted apart since we had to go to different schools when entering middle school.

I worry about if I was an abuser, if I was a COCSA perpetrator, if I was truly a monster. I know I was a child, I know I couldn't have known better since nobody taught me otherwise.

The worst part is I might never know. I might never know if those memories are real, if I have harmed someone, or if my brain is just making it up to fill in the gaps.

In the end I don't forgive Melissa for a few things. But she was an abused traumatized child who just did what she thought was normal. Nobody is born evil, nobody is doomed to harm others. It is learned.

[shattered-system]

Yes, punk is about going against the grain— sometimes

As in, discrimination against minorities is not punk

As in, abelism is not punk

Therefore endos aren’t punk

Hope this helps! ❤️

[ghost-jester-sys]

I love you systems who...

- Cannot cope with alters going dormant

- Are afraid of switching out and "letting go" of front

- Are almost always blurry

- Have demonised and stereotyped alters

[pink-devolve]

If you’re a domestic violence survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re an SA survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re a CSA survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re an ECSA survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re a child abuse survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re a neglect survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re a war survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re a natural disaster survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re a gun violence survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re a cult survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re an organized abuse survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re a torture survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re a TTI survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re a physical abuse survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re a mental abuse survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

If you’re a survivor, I’m proud of you for surviving.

[matchlocks]

“ocd intrusive thoughts are always the most disturbing and disgusting thing your brain can possibly think of”

my ocd: if you take more than 5mg of melatonin it means you’re a drug addict. also you’re afraid of the song bubble pop electric by Gwen stefani now

[ocd--culture--is]

ocd culture is "what if i'm just a (insert bad thing) and in denial?"

!!