bee

bet !! artist. writer. singer. tryhard shitposter.

[mbmbam-quotes]

Griffin: Which would you prefer? Pamela Anderson body and Garfield head, or Garfield body and Pamela Anderson head? If you had to party down on one of those bad boys, which would you go with? Uh, additional information: The Garfield head is wearing sunglasses.

Travis: Garfield body, suction cup hands or no suction cup hands?

Griffin: Uh, either or. Whichever you- whichever would be more pleasurable.

Justin: Will Garfield's head be into it? Or will he be like, fighting against me wildly?

Travis: Is he being acerbic and biting or is he down?

Justin: Does he reali- Okay, okay. Does Garfield's head on Pamela Anderson's body realize that his very existence is a sin against God? Or is he like into it?

Travis: Does he know that he's a misfit toy or is he DTF?

Justin: Is he like, DTF? Like, ready to fuck.

Travis: And same question for Pamela Anderson head on Garfield body.

...

Griffin: I think the curse that put her in this sad state, uh, I think she knows about it. I think she's been aware of it for quite some time. So I think that they have both- They've both been in this world like this for such a long time, and they are just happy to have some companionship.

Travis: Can they hang out with each other? 'Cause that's how you're making it sound.

...

Justin: Obviously these two things have been created by science, not God. This is nothing God did.

[shitbitchweasel]

there's something magical about staying up all night. looking out the window at 6 am to see the sun rising, birds are chirping, flowers are blooming, and on days like these kids like you should be burning in hell.

[niknak79]

[hologran]

mom im meeting my friends see you later bye

[thebootydiaries]

this is why i blocked my brother on facebook

[maylorswifts]

GIVE AWAY

tony abbott

just take him

will ship everywhere

[maxiimov-deactivated20210317]

rude

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

The wizard of Oz’s entire solution to having a political rival in the West was ‘oh I’ll just send this random 15 year old to assassinate her’ what

[aromantic-goldfishdeactivated202]

Dumbledore

[dragonwolfcrane]

OH SHIT

[cluegrrl]

Ok, but Voldie did that exact same thing in the sixth book, which could also have legitimately been titled Draco Malfoy and the Bad Life Choices.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

wizards need to Stop

[strangehorse]

My dad has motion detectors with built-in cameras along his driveway, and there's a frog that has figured out that if it jumps in front of the detector, the infrared light that turns on will attract bugs. So my dad frequently gets a bunch of pictures of the frog jumping around, and he's really fond of the frog now. He refers to it as his frog, enjoys getting pictures of it, and is always super, super careful in the driveway to check for the frog to make sure it's safe.

Anon. Please listen to me. I would not tell you this if it was not very important to me. PLEASE get me a picture of this frog. 

[strangehorse]

anon. where is the frog, anon. we need the frog anon.

[strangehorse]

THE FROG!!!!!!!

[aquatixwitch]

TELL HIM I LOVE HIM

[thebootydiaries]

company trying to market something to millennials: homie 😎⚠️👆,consumerism 😂💰😂 is on fleek bae!! We should 💯💯💯 go to our nearest bastion of capitalism 💳💸 and get turnt with your bff 👯💅💁

[montygreen]

#SHE LOVES HIM SO MUCH

[writing-prompt-s]

You live with a Vampire. Every Saturday, you give them a cup of your blood, and they cook you a nice meal.

[halfbloodwithhalfabrain]

@biggest-gaudiest-patronuses Please write this.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

(Part 1)

We have dinner on Saturdays.

Arcady always cooks. I’m never certain if it’s out of irony—spending all that time on something they can’t even eat—or if they actually enjoy cooking. I think they like the ritual of it. It might almost be arcane, from a certain point of view. A specific (religious, even) set of instructions, ingredients and chemical changes. Strict instructions for a desired transformation.

And isn’t that what spells are, after all? Instructions you don’t understand, but hope will work any way. Arbitrary rules, which may or may not matter. Either it works or it doesn’t (or something in between) and we have no idea until it’s done with, and there’s nothing we can do.

Well now I’m just being theatrical.

That’s another part of our epicurean ritual—Arcady sitting down to ask me how it tastes. They sit across from me, hands folded on the table, and stare intently, waiting. I think they can guess when I lie—it’s good!—so I’ve started telling the truth. In the beginning they used far, far too much salt. I choked a little, on the first few meals. Asked for too many glasses of water.

Keep reading

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

(Part 2)

Across the table, Arcady is talking, recounting things they read this week. Things they learned and researched, thoughts they had. Ways they tried to make sense of the world. I’m eating slowly, savoring the taste. I don’t quite enjoy it, not yet, it’s not familiar enough. It occurs to me that Arcady has never repeated the same dish twice. I wonder how—why—Arcady knows how to cook. They’ve spent most of their life unable to eat, to taste. Perhaps if I’m lucky, they’ll share that story with me one day.

I focus on the spoon in my hand, on the voice across the table. It’s a bit of a treat for me, having them carry the conversation. More often they’re so… self-contained. In the early years of our friendship, I was the one keeping the conversation alive. Babbling even, nervous at being stared down by an unblinking gaze. Twisting in my seat.

And why not? You meet someone many centuries older than anyone has a right to be, you assume they’re going to have answers. You are eager for approval. You assume there is some grand truth they might conceivably share with you, if only you are good enough. If only you are worthy. So of course I was desperate to impress, terrified of disappointing.

Keep reading

[nyanbinary-83]

that hit like a fucking truck

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

when writers ask for constructive feedback, they are referring to this comment specifically 

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

if u want to say something nice to a writer, literally any variation of the phrase “you hurt me with your words” works as a compliment 

[kittyknowsthings]

Yes, “This hurt me” is an excellent comment to have

[tragedyposting]

Visit Original Link

compilation of some of the best high note moments by Damon Daunno

[curlymcclain]

[dysphoricfem-deactivated2020011]

Remember how 6 months ago people were talking about how transphobes ideas of ‘male’ and ‘female’ features was heavily based on european beauty standards? This is what we meant. Transphobes on twitter are saying that these Chinese female athletes ‘look like men’ because I guess short hair automatically makes someone male. 

Once again, this is what people mean when they say transmisogyny is misogyny

[terfsrgross]

terfs: throwing gnc women and woc under the bus since… forever, actually

[fandomsandfeminism]

Transmisogyny is heavily interconnected with racism and white supremacy.

[catchymemes]

[naamahdarling]

[thefederalistfreestyle]

look ‘em in the eye, aim no higher

[hashtagloveloses]

who in god’s name has the BALLS to look lin-manuel miranda dead in the eye and shit talk his show like bitch one time i talked too loudly about how much i loved santino fontana at a show and then turned around and he was sitting behind me and i felt like i needed to go into the witness protection program

[shitbitchweasel]

personal hamilton fcs

they are here

[debrides]

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

[lesbirdan]

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

[hermionegranger]

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

[mugsandpugs1-deactivated2019010]

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

[thomrainierskies]

One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”

She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.

[mirab3lle]

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

[icouldwritebooks]

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

[crimeronan]

i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it ive bungled it

but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”

as i handed her the bag i was trying to say “thanks, youre all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said “thanks, youre important”

there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said. she blinked and then said “oh thank you! youre important too!”

the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally combined ‘youre welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘youre a problem’”

[agrestenoir]

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

[gin-and-eschatonic]

I’ve spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexively say shit like “behind” and “coming around” as I maneuver through spaces and around people.

Which, actually, not such a bad thing; I’m a big guy and can come across as imposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help avoid collisions.

Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a “coming with a knife” while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining.

[harold-theyre-thespians]

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

[narwhalsarefalling]

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

[wren-likethe-bird]

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

[la-mancha-screwjob]

Every time a friend thanks me, and I respond with “gladly” or “my pleasure”, I die completely 1000% inside

[fair-itself]

I work at a plasma donation center. When processing donors, we call them by name, they walk up to the counter, and then we ask for their name and donor number. One time, instead of saying “Robert” I hollered “Name and donor number!?” into a full waiting room. Three people started announcing their names and donor numbers before we all realized that I fucked up.

[maplefiasco]

In college, I was a barista at Borders (remember Borders, you guys?!) I once drove through Taco Bell on my way home after a shift. When the cashier said, “okay, that’ll be $5.46!” I cheerfully responded, “Do you have a Borders rewards card?”

[iamthatbeast]

I have dealt with so many difficult customers over the years that I used to angrily call my dog “Sir” when I was mad at him.

[widonotts]

My first job was at my nearest Panera, and after coming home from a ten-hour Sunday morning shift, I was exhausted; but when my mom called me to come downstairs, instead of replying in the grumpy teenagerish tone I usually would, I said in my cheeriest, fakest voice, “Not a problem at all, let me just check with my manager!” before realizing my mistake.

[artwlw]

my coworker went to back up the cash registers one time and she had been at customer service right before. when we finish with a customer we have to sometimes get the attention of the next person and will shout “i can get the next person in line!” but instead of saying that she yelled “HI WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH” to everyone in the general area

[youlovelucie]

I have told my dog “no thank you” so many times after working at a preschool

[spacecores]

a couple of times i’ve gotten stuck in a hello how are you good how are you good how are you loop with an equally tired Fred Meyer’s cashier after a long shift but the best time was after a 10 to 10 post-holidays after they told me my total, I asked if they would like a bag today and after a confused few seconds they were like, “no… I have the bags”

[thebritishteapot]

Worked in a gallery where we asked people to take off their backpacks in order not to accidentally damage paintings. So when I went to the shop later and saw a guy in the line in front of me, I told him he had to remove his backpack. He probably thought I was politely trying to rob him.

[valkyrieritter]

The other day they had me working with softserve and fried dough. I was burned out because I kept bouncing back and forth between the fryer and my register and these people had like, 8 things in their order. We get to the ice cream part of the order, and it comes in a bowl or cone. Instead of saying “Would you like the vanilla in a bowl or cone?” I said “Would you like the bowl in a vanilla or cone?” And we all stopped and had to think that through as my cart runner is staring me down like “tf are you doing?”

[dhampir-dyke]

I work at Hardees and we have to yell “thank you” whenever we’re told to do something because of how loud the kitchen is.

One morning, my mom hollered at me to wake up, and half-asleep me yells at full volume,

“THANK YOU”

[eyefriend-deactivated20181218]

i work with dogs, and i have to be a bit strict with them sometimes in order to keep fights from breaking out. recently, while making tea, the kettle started boiling sooner than i wanted, so without thinking i turned around sharply, pointed my finger at it and stared it down, and said, “Bad boy! You need to wait!” needless to say i was very glad i was alone

[mynameisdevon]

I know I’ve reblogged this a billion times but I’ve worked retail for 8 years and these things are never not funny.

[swimtonewyorkstate]

I work with horses and whenever someone’s driving too fast I’ll say stuff like “whoa” and I’ve tried to click to a car because that’s a cue for a horse to go faster.

[shitbitchweasel]

not retail but i was a very angry kid and when i was in 8th grade one of my friends pissed me off at lunch. the natural response of edgy 14 year old me was "YOU WANNA FUCKING GO?" but half way through the sentence my voice stopped working

so in the middle of a crowded lunch room, an extremely angry 4'10 girl screamed "YOU WANNA FUCK?" in complete fury, and then proceeded to stare another kid down.

needless to say i got detention

[shaykeijser]