Tw !! Religious guilt + suc1de
Sad queer story from that trend where we posted them to sailor song on tt
I walked through the flowers, the gold and purple reminding me there is beauty on earth. I bent down to smell one and feel its delicate petals but before I could I heard soft sounds from away. Crying sniffling sounds, I recognized it instantly and part of me wanted to turn away and not go near the crying person, give them privacy. The other part of me wanted to make sure they were okay, like I desperately wished someone had when I cried.
I followed the sounds of tears to behind a bush, they're behind the bush I saw him. That beautiful boy I will never forget. He was about my age and his face was slightly red from crying. I didn't know what to say, I stared at him for a moment taking in his beauty, he seemed to do the same. Eventually I leaned down and picked a sunflower gently tugging it from its safety on the ground. I handed it to the boy hoping something that could made me feel full of warmth would make this boy feel the same.
He stared at me for what seemed like an hour, as if he was memorizing my face into his brain to be kept forever. Eventually he took the flower from my hand and where his finger brushed mine I felt like I was on fire. Electric. Just that simple touch meant more to me than anything else I've felt before. He examined the flower like it could possibly be a trap before finally smiling up at me. That smile was beautiful, nothing could compare. Not the sunset or even the beautiful flower field. No. That smile is how I know there's beauty in the world.
That day I sat down and talked to him. His voice was just as perfect as the rest of him. It was like the best song I could ever listen to but I couldn't play it forever. After that day whenever I came to the flower field he was they're. My days went from sitting at the flower field alone to speaking my deepest thoughts with the most beautiful boy to walk this earth. He told me about his life too and I loved hearing about everything. He liked bugs, he loved to study them. He came to the field to look for bugs and write in his notebook. He let me read that notebook, his handwriting was perfect and neat like him and his drawings of the bugs were skilled. He told me why he was crying that day. He told me how he hates his dad and he told me how he found the flower field.
I was at that flowerfield every Monday for five months. It felt like years. We just sat and talked about flowers or bugs or anything that made him smile, all I wanted was to be the reason for that smile. I admired him whenever the conversation stopped, that beautiful light brown hair and those dark brown eyes. I knew my parents would never understand. So I lied. I knew lying was wrong, a sin. I was also told the way I thought of him was sin. If this is a sin then why would God make him so perfect if he didn't want me to love him? I told my parents I was at choir rehearsal every Monday and they never questioned it.
On my 15th birthday I told my mom I was going on a walk since it wasn't a Monday. The air was chill and all I wanted for my birthday was to see him. My perfect boy. I got to the flower field and I was met with that smile and cheerful voice I dreamed of each night. He had brought me a present even though I told him I didn't need anything. It was a beaded bracelet with a flower and bug charm. It was the best thing I had ever been given and I knew I would never take it off it was perfect. I hugged him tight. The feeling of his arms around me made me understand what home is, I've never felt more safe and at peace the warmth spreading through me. When I started to pull away he kept me close and I could see the way he was looking at me. I knew it was wrong but I wished more than anything that he would kiss me. He did, and I kissed back instantly melting into it. This is what heaven feels like. I knew then and there I didn't care if I went to hell or internal suffering as long as I could keep kissing him.
Things were so perfect. I had him, I had my heaven. We talked and we kissed and I never wanted to leave that flower field. Our flower field. But nothing perfect ever lasts forever, it's always destined to fall apart. I walked home from the flower field and I felt a strange sense of dread. I didn't know why but I knew something was wrong. My parents were waiting in the kitchen and I felt my heart drop. I prayed that if God still loved me that they wouldn't know about him. It seems god didn't love me. They knew everything, the lies, the flower field, him. My dad yelled and my mother cried. I was banned from ever going back. I sobbed as they called me names and asked how I could sin like this, they didn't want a f@ggot for a son. I locked myself in my room and just cried and cried.
When they finally stopped yelling my mom opened the room. I couldn't read her face, her lips pursed in a thin line. She told me she made a call, a place that could fix me. I felt physically ill at the thought? Fix me? Just because I'm in love with someone who embodies heaven? I cried more and I begged her not to send me away, but she wouldn't listen. I told her I couldn't live without him and she told me that I would find a girl and feel better. It wasn't true. No one could ever compare to him, even the idea of kissing someone else made bile rise in my throat. I couldn't do it. What's the point of living if I don't get to do it with him? I would rather have no life than a life without him. He's like the sun, like oxygen. I knew what I needed to do.
I didn't bother with a letter, I'm sure my parents wouldn't give it to him. I waited until they were asleep and the house was quiet, the dark seeping in. I stood on that chair and contemplated my life. You would think I would have wished to have never met him, wished that my whole world hadn't changed to the point where I couldn't go on without him but that wasn't true. I'm glad I met him, that I fell in love. I would rather have those five months with him over and over than a long life, rather feel that happiness. I clutched the bracelet in my hand against my chest as tears fell down my cheeks. I'm sorry I'm leaving you. I'm sorry. I thought as I used my other hand to slip the rope over my head. My last thoughts were happy, I thought of his brown hair and eyes and the way he leaned up to kiss me. I thought of everything I loved about him, before I kicked the chair. I didn't struggle. I knew I would end up in hell, but I would rather go to hell for loving him than go to heaven.
He sobbed the same way he had when I found him that day as he started at the gravestone. His face was red and so were his eyes like he's been crying for a long time. I wished I could give him a sunflower again, make him smile again but I knew I couldn't. He clutched a sunflower to his chest and he brought its delicate petals up to his lips, kissing it before laying it on my grave. As if he was giving me a sunflower to cheer me up like I did him. Every day after that for years there was always a fresh sunflower on my grave.
If I had written a letter that day I would have said, "I'm sorry I have to leave but I'm more sorry they can't understand. This was my only option, no life is better than a life without you. My mom says I'll go to hell for sinning but I don't believe this could be a sin, how is love a sin? If it is, I would burn in hell for you. Maybe in another life we achieved all these dreams we talked about in our flower field. Love, Sunflower boy.”
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