I love my boyfriend but I’m tired of paying for everything (me – 20F, him– 23M)
I’m (20F) a college student and so is my boyfriend (23M) Financially, my situation is a bit better than him
I get pocket money from my parents and sometimes I also earn a little through my art
Because of that, I’ve kind of naturally ended up paying for almost everything in our relationship. Every time we go out, I pay. If we book a hotel room, I pay. Food, travel, even the smallest things or when he needs to pay someone….. most of the time, it’s me.
Sometimes I even end up paying when we’re sitting with HIS friends or seniors, I don’t even understand how that becomes my responsibility. Because I dont even eat with them…..?
The thing is, I understand his financial situation isn’t great. His family depends on his dad’s income and he only gets about ₹1k a month. So I feel guilty even thinking like this :(
But at the same time, it’s starting to affect me. I have my own expenses too, Lately, I’ve been feeling soooo drained. If I’m being honest, if I wasn’t spending so much on him, I’d actually have money left to buy things for myself. Right now, I don’t.
Tbh I don’t expect expensive gifts at all, but I wish he would do small things for me sometimes. Even something like saving a little to treat me once, or randomly ordering me food when I’m having a bad day.
I realized this more when I went out with a friend recently and he didn’t let me pay at all. It felt really nice to be taken care of for once, and it made me question why I never feel that way in my own relationship.
I really care about my boyfriend and I don’t want to make him feel bad about his situation. But I also don’t want to keep feeling like this and build resentment.
Am I being unreasonable here? How do I handle this without hurting him?
If you want to split or switch payments, then you need to at least sometimes do things within his budget. It's on him to communicate his budget or you plan dates you are fine paying with, and he plans dates he can pay for and you split it that way. If he can't afford to go out, he needs to be honest about that. There's no reason you can't have thoughtful and fun dates having a cheap homemade picnic in the park or finding creative ways to spruce up cheap ass ramen packets.
Er, why ARE you paying for his friends??? I'm sensing a pattern that you never use your voice here. Is someone holding a gun to your head and forcing you to pay for the group? Is he crying and claiming you don't love him if you don't pay for them? Is he voluntelling you that you'll pay for his friends, and you don't contradict him out of fear of embarrassment? Are you just offering to pay for his friends? What is happening??? Why do you never say no or just...not pay for them?
You're allowed to communicate "hey, it would make me feel loved and appreciated if you sometimes did some small acts of kindness for me, like saving up to buy me a treat or cheering me up when you know I'm stressed or sad". Have you ever let him know you don't feel appreciated or that you want to be thought of more?
It's often worth communicating issues to give them a chance to be fixed, but you don't have to be willing to give someone a chance if you're unhappy with them, especially if it's A) a basic courtesy you don't want to have to teach someone, or B) something that comes down to the way in which someone navigates their life and seems unlikely to change. You're allowed to leave a relationship because it isn't equitable.
As for your final question: you cannot control other people's feelings. He may or may not be hurt if a conversation is had. That's on him to manage and deal with. Why is it okay for your feelings to be hurt over this, but he should have to be shielded from the same thing when he's contributing to the situation? Hurt feelings are a part of life. Something like this isn't going to kill someone to be hurt over. It's an important skill for all of us to be able to handle hurt feelings and move on with things.
